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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want his ex at our wedding.

230 replies

malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

Keep*

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 10/01/2022 10:53

Don't invite her if you don't want her there. Are you being pressured to include her by anyone?

Pinkyxx · 10/01/2022 10:53

Perfectly reasonable to not want his ex at your wedding. I can't imagine why she'd want to attend, and it would seem incredibly awkward for all involved if she did.. My DD attended her Father's wedding at 3 without me..

It's your day!

Dillydollydingdong · 10/01/2022 10:53

Fair enough, it would be a bit odd to have her at the wedding. Surely she wouldn't want to come anyway?

LublinToDublin · 10/01/2022 10:56

Does he want her there?

I don't think you are at all unreasonable in not wanting her as a guest at your wedding.

It's great you all get on and hopefully that will continue but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be any boundaries.

Mrsjayy · 10/01/2022 11:01

Why would she be invitedWho is even considering this ? Invite a friend for your step daughter if you think she will be lonely her mum doesn't have to be there.

Ozanj · 10/01/2022 11:03

If she’s still friends with your DH then I think it’s unfair to ask him not to include her just because you’re jealous. He’ll be marrying you in front of her. There’s no bigger gesture that he doesn’t see her romantically than that. So if they are friends I do think you are being unreasonable.

CMhater · 10/01/2022 11:04

I think telling dsd she can invite a friend would be a great idea.

ineedsun · 10/01/2022 11:04

Surely it’s up to you. For those saying why would she be invited, we invited DHs ex to our reception, her kids were bridesmaids and best man and it was nice for her to see them all dressed up. Doesn’t mean you need to do that though.

TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 11:05

Echoing what everyone else has said. At 14 your stepdaughter is old enough to understand you don't want your SO's ex and therefore her mum, at your wedding. It's your wedding, invite whoever you want.

TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 11:07

@Ozanj

If she’s still friends with your DH then I think it’s unfair to ask him not to include her just because you’re jealous. He’ll be marrying you in front of her. There’s no bigger gesture that he doesn’t see her romantically than that. So if they are friends I do think you are being unreasonable.
Sorry but this take is so absurd I don't even know what to say. Stepmothers are now unreasonable for not wanting their SO's ex at their wedding. There is no other scenario where this would even be considered. But since you're a stepmother unfortunately your feelings about your own god damned wedding are unreasonable.
Winniemarysarah · 10/01/2022 11:09

@Ozanj

If she’s still friends with your DH then I think it’s unfair to ask him not to include her just because you’re jealous. He’ll be marrying you in front of her. There’s no bigger gesture that he doesn’t see her romantically than that. So if they are friends I do think you are being unreasonable.
The op’s wedding shouldn’t have be about making a big gesture in front of his ex wife. The op doesn’t want her there, that’s reason enough regardless of whether that makes her ‘jealous’ or not. I don’t get why it’s assumed she would be invited in the first place
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2022 11:11

You shouldn’t have anyone there you don’t want. Who’s saying she should be there?

backaftera2yearbreak · 10/01/2022 11:13

My ex husband wanted to invite me to his wedding. I declined. They day was not about me and him and the fact we still got on. The focus of the day needed to be on him and his new bride. If that woman had any clout she would decline to attend!

BlingLoving · 10/01/2022 11:21

Is your DP's ex someone he considers a friend? Because surely that has bearing? A colleague got married recently and her ex absolutely came, even though her DC are teenagers. They are still friends, co-parent very effectively etc etc. Completely different if all they do is co-parent.

Having said that, is it because your SC wants to see happy harmonious relationships which could have some bearing too?

seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 11:29

@backaftera2yearbreak why would you being there have not made the day about the bride and groom? Unless you were asked to be a bridesmaid and were planning on dressing in your old wedding dress, I'm not sure why you'd think the day was about you? I don't mean that in a goady/sarcy way BTW.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 11:31

Totally reasonable to not want his ex at your wedding.

godmum56 · 10/01/2022 11:31

Its not just your wedding but your H to be's too.....discuss it with him.

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 11:31

Is someone suggesting you invite her?

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 11:35

@godmum56

Its not just your wedding but your H to be's too.....discuss it with him.
Oh FGS, it might be his wedding but he can show some bloody consideration, no doubt as a step mum OP will have made many concessions during their relationship for his sake.
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/01/2022 11:39

The last thing I’d want to do is go to ex’s wedding! Ds is 15 and (like your dsd) will cope fine without me. I like the idea of giving the dsc a +1 though, so they can bring a friend or date to keep them company.

RedWingBoots · 10/01/2022 11:42

@Ozanj

If she’s still friends with your DH then I think it’s unfair to ask him not to include her just because you’re jealous. He’ll be marrying you in front of her. There’s no bigger gesture that he doesn’t see her romantically than that. So if they are friends I do think you are being unreasonable.
Are you trying to start a new bingo card of what shit step-parents need to put up with? As you are doing a good job.

Would or did you invite all your ex-partners to your wedding? No? Did your spouse do the same? No? Have a good think why not.

RedWingBoots · 10/01/2022 11:44

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

The last thing I’d want to do is go to ex’s wedding! Ds is 15 and (like your dsd) will cope fine without me. I like the idea of giving the dsc a +1 though, so they can bring a friend or date to keep them company.
I thought the entire point of going to a wedding or whatever as a teen without your parents full attention on you, is if you wanted to get up to something e.g. sneak a drink you are very likely to get away with it.
Sally872 · 10/01/2022 11:45

I think the norm is not to invite ex to wedding. Has dp suggested otherwise?

Tattler2 · 10/01/2022 11:46

Two people who cannot agree on something as elementary as who can watch them get married, quite possibly have bigger issues. If the sanctity or status of your wedding is determined by the guest list than maybe a wedding should be postponed a bit until you are certain that it is the participants rather than the observers who matter in the actual marriage.

It seems as though the bride and groom are not starting off on the same page. If your initial thoughts are so different, it may suggest that your perspectives and outlooks may not be very compatible.

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