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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want his ex at our wedding.

230 replies

malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

OP posts:
Interrobanger · 11/01/2022 11:04

You should invite all of your ex boyfriends OP. See how he likes that.

Asserting your own boundaries is not being an ‘uncool gf’. You’re entitled to draw your boundaries where you want and you’re entitled to expect your DP to respect them.

Tbh if he doesn’t, I’d be rethinking the whole marriage.

RedWingBoots · 11/01/2022 11:40

You should invite all of your ex boyfriends OP. See how he likes that.

This with bells on.

Also tell him they are going to be on the same table as his ex.

2me2u2u2me · 11/01/2022 12:11

@Ozanj

If she’s still friends with your DH then I think it’s unfair to ask him not to include her just because you’re jealous. He’ll be marrying you in front of her. There’s no bigger gesture that he doesn’t see her romantically than that. So if they are friends I do think you are being unreasonable.
OMG I'm lost for words at your ridiculous attitude here!!!
MrsPerfect12 · 11/01/2022 12:22

I think telling SD now that she can invite a friend if she wants and although grandma grandad cousins etc will be there she might want someone her own age to keep her company. Surely from that she would know her mum wasn't invited and if she asked you can say I think it would be strange, we all get on but you mum wouldn't want to come or something and I'm sure via the grapevine it would be fed back and she know where she stands well in advance.

RedWingBoots · 11/01/2022 12:46

@MrsPerfect12

I think telling SD now that she can invite a friend if she wants and although grandma grandad cousins etc will be there she might want someone her own age to keep her company. Surely from that she would know her mum wasn't invited and if she asked you can say I think it would be strange, we all get on but you mum wouldn't want to come or something and I'm sure via the grapevine it would be fed back and she know where she stands well in advance.
If the mother is unreasonable and doesn't have boundaries - and a few are - then her mother will turn around to say that she wasn't invited.

It's best not to lie to teens and tell them the truth if asked that social rules mean that ex partners, that someone has been in a long-term with or married to , aren't invited to their wedding to a different person.

Fifthtimelucky · 11/01/2022 15:53

I don't think ´social rules' say anything on the subject.

Obviously everyone is different but I was very happy for my husband's ex-wife to come to our wedding with their 13 year old son. It would have been different if we hadn't got on, but as we did I didn't have an issue with it.

Two of his ex-girlfriends came as well (and one of my ex-boyfriends).

GrannytoaUnicorn · 11/01/2022 16:11

YABVVVU to be that controlling & paranoid. If you don't trust him to keep his hands off her then why are you marrying him?!?

KylieKoKo · 11/01/2022 16:13

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABVVVU to be that controlling & paranoid. If you don't trust him to keep his hands off her then why are you marrying him?!?
Lol
GrannytoaUnicorn · 11/01/2022 16:16

@malificent7

I think what has bugged to is the fact that dp said he will have to take her to one side and "discuss" the fact that she is not coming to the wedding. I then very firmly had to tell him that we will not be discussing anything with her. He then said " I am not pussy footing around her" to which I replied that he does nothing but pussy foot around her! Then he cried about having to suck things up so he dosn't loose his dd. So yes...there are bigger issues. He said " I thought we were all ok. " Well yes we are but i still dont want it.

He has agreed though that no ex at wedding and his dd can hold her own. He sees his ex as part of the family as she's dda mum and I see her as extended family too BUT why do i feel weirdly fond of her yet not??!! I am fond of her as we get on but we sometimes have conflicting interests...im v confused!

He actually cried?!? Hmm
LublinToDublin · 11/01/2022 16:39

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABVVVU to be that controlling & paranoid. If you don't trust him to keep his hands off her then why are you marrying him?!?
What an extraordinary misunderstanding of what the OP has written Hmm
aSofaNearYou · 11/01/2022 17:01

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABVVVU to be that controlling & paranoid. If you don't trust him to keep his hands off her then why are you marrying him?!?
Aaaah I see these kind of comments are a theme for you Wink
SpaceshiptoMars · 11/01/2022 17:06

If you remarry, as a widow, etiquette says you don't invite your late husband's family. So, unless you really, really want the ex wife present for your own reasons, it simply isn't necessary.

Original poster
malificent7 · 11/01/2022 17:22

I am not paranoid at all....she's no threat but historically she put dp through the shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 11/01/2022 17:23

It's just complicated emotionally .

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 17:31

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABVVVU to be that controlling & paranoid. If you don't trust him to keep his hands off her then why are you marrying him?!?
Um.. she's not saying she thinks he'll run off with her ffs. She just doesn't want him there. Seems fair enough.
KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 17:32

@malificent7

I am not paranoid at all....she's no threat but historically she put dp through the shit.
Not even sure why DP would want her there then. Your wedding is about you not your relationship with the 1st wife.
pictish · 11/01/2022 17:33

Hmm…I dunno. I think maybe you want him to issue a statement by not inviting her. You have residual insecurity about your status because of the muddied waters at the beginning (understandable) and you want your wedding to illustrate that she is old news. Is that right…or am I on the wrong track?

TheWickedStepmum88 · 11/01/2022 17:43

@pictish

Hmm…I dunno. I think maybe you want him to issue a statement by not inviting her. You have residual insecurity about your status because of the muddied waters at the beginning (understandable) and you want your wedding to illustrate that she is old news. Is that right…or am I on the wrong track?
I honestly couldn't roll my eyes any harder if I tried. SO would be making a statement by inviting his ex. No rational person on this earth would think anything of it if she wasn't invited. There's no statement to make by not inviting your ex to a wedding and the fact that this even needs to be said is just proof AGAIN that this website is ridiculous and everyone here is so unfathomably insecure about the notion that stepparents exist
KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 18:37

@pictish

Hmm…I dunno. I think maybe you want him to issue a statement by not inviting her. You have residual insecurity about your status because of the muddied waters at the beginning (understandable) and you want your wedding to illustrate that she is old news. Is that right…or am I on the wrong track?
WtF.

This is a really weird response

KylieKoKo · 11/01/2022 18:48

@pictish

Hmm…I dunno. I think maybe you want him to issue a statement by not inviting her. You have residual insecurity about your status because of the muddied waters at the beginning (understandable) and you want your wedding to illustrate that she is old news. Is that right…or am I on the wrong track?
Are you married? If so how many significant exes of your husbands attended?
EllaPaella · 11/01/2022 18:50

Step daughter does not need her mother there. She has her father and presumably all his side of the family to keep her company.
No-one should feel obliged to invite anyone to their wedding that they don't want there, ridiculous to suggest anything else.
It's not a sign of 'coolness' of emotional superiority to invite your ex to your wedding.

KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 18:55

I think what has bugged to is the fact that dp said he will have to take her to one side and "discuss" the fact that she is not coming to the wedding. I then very firmly had to tell him that we will not be discussing anything with her. this would piss me off too. Why does he even think she'd want to be there for a start.

Your marriage is nothing to do with coparenting his child and needs to get this into his head.

Interrobanger · 11/01/2022 19:01

If he really believes that she will deny him access to his daughter if she’s not invited to your wedding then he has a massive problem on his hands and inviting her to his wedding is the least of them.

My DH used to be terrified of his ex ‘taking his DD away’ and that he’s never see her. I could never understand it. As far as I could see, it suited the ex down to the ground to co-parent with him - she got half the week off to do whatever she wanted. Why on earth would she cut off her nose to spite her face?

This all sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. Especially if he’s in tears over it. Fuck’s sake. He should be over the moon that he’s marrying you, not crying that his ex might have hurty feelings because she won’t be invited.

Maybe83 · 11/01/2022 23:56

One of my ex s was at my wedding. I have been to several other weddings that have had ex s at them. Some of them who share children attending as guests but not the bride or groom.

It tends to happen if you have the same friendship groups for a long period of time. So it isnt that strange.

My ex was not the father of my child though. Neither he or my ss mother were at our wedding. We have though all attended weddings that we were guests at.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable having either of our children's other parents at ours because I think its an important day for the family unit we created together.

He doesn't owe her an explanation I don't think most ex s expect an invite in these circumstances. I think suggesting your dsd brings a friend is a great idea.

I wouldn't entertain any further discussion or give it any more head space.

pictish · 12/01/2022 06:34

Not sure why my post has been picked out in particular…I don’t think it’s a weird response.

Also, whether exes attend the wedding to a new spouse or not, depends on the relationship and individual circumstances, not some arbitrary rule that says they shouldn’t.