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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want his ex at our wedding.

230 replies

malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

OP posts:
TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 12:38

It is NOT stupid for feeling triggered at your SO even suggesting it and frankly I find it appalling that he is not offering you more support.

Your wedding is not the time to appear to be a 'cool gf'. Your wedding is not the place to show other guests how amazing and supportive you both are for allowing the ex to be there. NOT at the expense of your own comfort at your own wedding!

As a stepmum, trust me I get it. We are often concerned with how the rest of the world perceives us because the bar is set impossibly high. If you agree to this, it won't change a thing. You are sacrificing and compromising so much already.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 12:42

@TheWickedStepmum88

It is NOT stupid for feeling triggered at your SO even suggesting it and frankly I find it appalling that he is not offering you more support.

Your wedding is not the time to appear to be a 'cool gf'. Your wedding is not the place to show other guests how amazing and supportive you both are for allowing the ex to be there. NOT at the expense of your own comfort at your own wedding!

As a stepmum, trust me I get it. We are often concerned with how the rest of the world perceives us because the bar is set impossibly high. If you agree to this, it won't change a thing. You are sacrificing and compromising so much already.

Yes, completely agree with this!
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 10/01/2022 13:04

It's odd and inappropriate to have an ex at your wedding, in my opinion. I have had several step-parents and I'm divorced myself. I would never consider this.

Isgooglebroken · 10/01/2022 13:12

@malificent7

He didn't suggest it 1st.
He might not have intended to invite her in the first place then.
Mrsjayy · 10/01/2022 13:43

If he hasn't suggested it then don't mention it, you don't have to be the cool anything.

KiloWhat · 10/01/2022 17:39

There is absolutely now reason for her to be there. You can be civil without having her at your wedding.

nevergoesaway · 10/01/2022 17:56

You’re not being unreasonable OP, and if your fiancé is pressuring or guilting you into letting her attend, I don’t think you should give in to this, in fact that seems like a red flag to me.

Skeumorph · 10/01/2022 18:00

‘No, not appropriate for any of us. Would be awkward for her too and I don’t want anyone - any family, us or perhaps especially her or DSD - to end up feeling out of place.’

Original poster
malificent7 · 11/01/2022 08:23

I think what has bugged to is the fact that dp said he will have to take her to one side and "discuss" the fact that she is not coming to the wedding. I then very firmly had to tell him that we will not be discussing anything with her.
He then said " I am not pussy footing around her" to which I replied that he does nothing but pussy foot around her! Then he cried about having to suck things up so he dosn't loose his dd. So yes...there are bigger issues. He said " I thought we were all ok. " Well yes we are but i still dont want it.

He has agreed though that no ex at wedding and his dd can hold her own. He sees his ex as part of the family as she's dda mum and I see her as extended family too BUT why do i feel weirdly fond of her yet not??!! I am fond of her as we get on but we sometimes have conflicting interests...im v confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 11/01/2022 08:24

Bugged me*

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 11/01/2022 08:25

He does realise that her not coming to the wedding won't ruin their coparenting relationship.

OP posts:
SpindleyCrow · 11/01/2022 08:29

So his ExW will just assume she’s invited?

candlelightsatdawn · 11/01/2022 08:43

I get on with my DH ex wife and my god I would rather stab my eyes out with a needle than have to explain the logistics of why I wouldn't want her there (nothing personal just would give me the ICK)

I have said to my ex and his partner if they ever got married please for the love of god don't invite me because then I would have to decline.

You never know she might not want to come and this is massive projection on DP part.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 08:48

No unreasonable to want to enjoy your wedding day without having his ex's eyes on you.

I think you've articulated why it would be uncomfortable for you very well, knowing you had weak boundaries to begin with.

It's a good idea to tell his SD to take a friend along so she'll have company.

Make sure the invitation is phrased so that it's clear.

GoGoGretaDoll · 11/01/2022 08:54

He doesn't need to discuss anything FGS, she will have no expectation of being invited. He just needs to say or text: hey just to let you know about the wedding, we're thinking of inviting to see DSD all done up that would be fine.'

Personally, ime you don't really notice anyone apart from your groom during the actual ceremony, so unless it's tiny I'd give her the chance to pop into that. You honestly won't notice her.

If DSD isn't a bridesmaid then ignore all of that!

aSofaNearYou · 11/01/2022 09:25

@GoGoGretaDoll

He doesn't need to discuss anything FGS, she will have no expectation of being invited. He just needs to say or text: hey just to let you know about the wedding, we're thinking of inviting to see DSD all done up that would be fine.'

Personally, ime you don't really notice anyone apart from your groom during the actual ceremony, so unless it's tiny I'd give her the chance to pop into that. You honestly won't notice her.

If DSD isn't a bridesmaid then ignore all of that!

None of that is necessary, and she may well notice someone who makes her uncomfortable entering during the ceremony. A picture would be more appropriate.
aSofaNearYou · 11/01/2022 09:29

@malificent7

I think what has bugged to is the fact that dp said he will have to take her to one side and "discuss" the fact that she is not coming to the wedding. I then very firmly had to tell him that we will not be discussing anything with her. He then said " I am not pussy footing around her" to which I replied that he does nothing but pussy foot around her! Then he cried about having to suck things up so he dosn't loose his dd. So yes...there are bigger issues. He said " I thought we were all ok. " Well yes we are but i still dont want it.

He has agreed though that no ex at wedding and his dd can hold her own. He sees his ex as part of the family as she's dda mum and I see her as extended family too BUT why do i feel weirdly fond of her yet not??!! I am fond of her as we get on but we sometimes have conflicting interests...im v confused!

I think it's really unreasonable and pushy of your partner to expect you to see her as family on any level, or indeed to expect you to be fine with him doing so, tbh. Don't let him fool you into thinking that's the norm for step families, it isn't and he's putting you in a really unfair position with all his sulks about it.

I couldn't be with someone with thos mentality.

Crumbs22 · 11/01/2022 09:34

I think it's reasonable for you not to invite the ex. If I was the ex, I simply would not want to go anyway just for the sake of diplomacy. A good idea if to invite a friend or 2 of your DSD.

Ariela · 11/01/2022 09:48

I would suggest that DSD can invite a friend or two, on the grounds it'll be much more fun and seem more grown up for her to have someone her age to dress up and do make up with, to dance with etc.

mangowithasqueezeoflime · 11/01/2022 09:50

My ex came to mine (high school BF) first love but stayed friends for years. Husband met him and not bothered at all.

Ten years later the marriage ended. Can't say that I'm friends with my ex husband but my high school BF and I still are.

Do you know why?

Because we are legit friends. 20 years this year. I missed his wedding last year (pandemic) and we live in different countries. I met his partner, he's met mine several times. We have kids the same age and it has been so nice to have that parenthood journey together.

I waited and hoped for years for this woman, his now wife, to come into his life. She is perfect for him. I truly want him to be happy and she is the first one to treat him right and see him for who he is. I want their marriage to last (and thrive) and I know he wants the same for me.

People can be friends with their ex. If there was love, it changes. But it is a commitment and it takes work to get both sides to the point I have described above.

Ask yourself- have they done the work?

Kbyodjs · 11/01/2022 09:50

Christ no! It was suggested that maybe we would need to invite DSDs mum because she’d indicated we would be invited to her hypothetical wedding and I said a flat no. Just no.
Also my DSD would have found it really awkward; she doesn’t like mixing of the two sides and she had plenty of family at our wedding so it wasn’t exactly like she was on her own

caringcarer · 11/01/2022 10:06

Personally I think it is very odd to invite any ex's to your wedding. I know royal family seem to do it but can't think it is common place unless a shared child is very young 6 or under if 7 or above child could attend with dgp. If your fiancée is demanding his ex has to attend his wedding to you it does not bode well for your marriage if he prioritises her feelings over yours. It is a massive red flag. I would say no and if he insisted refuse to marry him.

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2022 10:13

I got invited to my exes wedding I said no I mean why would I want to go! She kicked off saying it was important that I went and took DD I arranged for his mum to take dd and said no (this is all coming through my ex and his mum I've never met her) apparently it was important to her that I saw them get married so I knew he and I were over.....umm we are over get married

I've honestly never met her why would I go to her wedding

daisyjgrey · 11/01/2022 10:43

Over my cold dead body will either of our ex partner's that we have children with, be at our wedding. I'd turn down an invite to theirs as well.

Aderyn21 · 11/01/2022 10:51

I think it's weird to invite an ex spouse to your wedding, no matter how well you all get on. It inevitably invites comparisons. It just feels wholly inappropriate to me.