DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Ellie56 exhausting doesn’t even adequately describe it.
I’m so anxious and stressed.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.[/quote]
You don't have to do it any more. You really don't.

Start thinking how much better life will be without this constant shitshow going on. And how much more money you will have!

You don't have to do it anymore. The reason he keeps screwing you over is because all the other women shout louder than you. You can take yourself and your children out of this shitshow. As i said, it's one thing if you're presenting a United front. You're not. He's not with you. He's actually taking money off you, to give to people who call you a cunt. Youre in debt so that his ex and daughter can choose not to work and get highlights. Your money. That's so fucked up.

Other than him being a total doormat to his ex we have a very happy life. This is what I’m struggling with.

But I’m rapidly losing respect for him.

He’s still paying for SD’s hair but has agreed to let his sister on Thursday. So essentially, even though I’ve got the desired outcome of not funding it, it basically reinforces SD’s foul behaviour.

She’s learning that the louder and more aggressively she stamps her spoilt little foot, the more effective she is at getting what she wants

Please remove yourself and your children from this situation. You are being used by all of them and I don’t think your DP is as innocent as you believe. To me it looks like you are being manipulated by him and are simply the ‘nurse and purse’. You don’t cause any problems for him yet you are being guilted into feeling bad because you don’t want to fund his family including him. If he cared about you he wouldn’t put all this stress onto you. Your children are probably getting a masterclass in how to become a doormat when they grow up and their own futures are being put last, right now, behind your DP and his children and ex. In the beginning I bet he was lovely, but slowly your current situation has been normalised by him. Please see this and put you and your children first. Getting permanently tied to that family and it’s crazy will destroy your children’s futures in ways you can’t see yet. If you met him today would you accept being treated like this straight up and want to marry into that? I don’t think so. Please get yourself and your children away from this OP. 🌸

*agreed to pay his sister on Thursday for the highlights I mean

Other than him being a total doormat to his ex we have a very happy life. This is what I’m struggling with.

You don't sound very happy.

Reading what you've written, you don't sound happy and you and your children deserve so much more. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in at all and he has undermined you by ultimately funding the hair colour. It doesn't truly seem like a united front approach. He owes you a lot of money, that should be a priority.

Have you asked your children if they are happy? They can probably see the difference in treatment better than you because he’s constantly gaslighting you and keeping you in a state of stress for his own gain. By making you think he is being hassled by his ex and children it is distracting you from seeing what’s really going on. Today he phoned you fully expecting you would be fine with him taking taking money from the joint account, because poor him doesn’t get paid until tomorrow, but you said no. He lumped you in with them saying he was getting it from all of you - like you are just another nuisance. This is the attitude these types of men have. Once you are married he will just take your money without discussing it because he will have you trapped. This is your chance to get out now. So many red flags and warnings here - please don’t ignore them.

Other than him being a total doormat to his ex we have a very happy life. This is what I’m struggling with.

This I totally get as that's how it was for me & exdp. However, I came to see that a) the sdc (getting older) were every bit as bad as their dm & while the day would come where she would no longer be on the scene, the dc would ALWAYS be on the scene - waiting with their hands out & their moods on the ready & that I would never have any peace with them.

*He’s still paying for SD’s hair but has agreed to let his sister on Thursday. So essentially, even though I’ve got the desired outcome of not funding it, it basically reinforces SD’s foul behaviour.

She’s learning that the louder and more aggressively she stamps her spoilt little foot, the more effective she is at getting what she wants*

All this 16 year old will do now is see this as a 'triumph' & I guarantee that having gotten her own way, after truly foul behaviour, she will up the ante on her demands.

@SpongebobNoPants I really do feel for you as it's so hard when in every other aspect your relationship & partner are fully functional. I used to feel exdp had a personality transplant after time spent with his dc or interacting with his exw.
However, I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that your dp thinks it's ok to do as his dd wants given how she's behaved. If my dc spoke to anyone like that, let alone their dm, I would be seriously, seriously mortified & all 'treats' would be stopped for a very long while.

She's an utter P taker, has known for years which way her breads buttered.

Went through something similar myself for 8 years I worked 2 jobs so his ex could drive a new Range Rover and live in a 5 bed detached
Still hate myself for it now

I'd be laying out the new rules ASAP, I think. No end of month handouts, no contact with the ex or SD, all the while planning to leave. I know everything else seems to ne ok, but this will never change. She won't change.

I’m going to go and stay at my mum’s for a couple of nights I think

I feel so sorry for you. I am afraid your DP has made this problem by allowing it over the years.

Sorry if you've mentioned this before and I have the feeling this has gone way past this now as there's the emotional impact to consider, have you sat down with him and put all your income and expenditure on a spreadsheet? I did this once when I was explaining to DH that he was spending more on his DSC than our own LO and I wasn't going to have a joint account with him until he reined it in.

But like I say I feel your situation has gone way beyond this noe

Good idea to stay with your mum. This jumped out at me.

He lumped you in with them saying he was getting it from all of you - like you are just another nuisance

I would feel so betrayed if it were me. You're just like them, according to him. And yet you've bent over backwards to support his relationship with them all to your own detriment. But because you said no, once, that makes you as bad as them in his eyes.

Things are good then, when you're not making his life difficult by asserting your boundaries.

@SpongebobNoPants

I also haven’t had a cut or colour since April. My hair desperately needs it but I can’t afford it right now.

Oh OP, this descended rapidly for you, I'm so sorry.

During lockdown my DP carried on paying the £70 petrol allowance for my SD to go to uni even though her uni was closed.

Meanwhile we had to take a 5 month mortgage break because my company all had to take a voluntary pay it to keep afloat. When SD suddenly appeared with £195 hair extensions I went batshit.

It took a lot of convincing for my DH to understand where the priorities were but boy did he NOT want to cancel that allowance for her

I feel so sorry for OP because everyone is encouraging her to leave him but I suppose we don't know the real people behind the stories and there are OPs children too. I just wish I could shake DH and tell him to wake up and prioritise the person that matters most... his wife! My DP can sometimes be like this with his children and ExW but he does listen and tries to be as fair as possible, he's definitely got guilt that comes into play too. I try to ease this guilt as much as I can. I've maybe got all this to come as DSC are only 7 and 9, I dread it

I think it does depend on the ExW and the step children.

I have never asked my ex for a penny above maintenance (partly because I know he can't afford it) and my DC have also never asked him.

I'm not saying I'm the perfect Ex, but I would not apply guilt and I certainly would not allow my DC too.

I would like to believe that the majority of ExW behave like me and we only hear of the worst cases on MN. After all we are all adults and we all need to move on once we have separated. Just to add my maintenance isn't huge (also not a small amount like I read on here). For two DC I receive £400 per month. I have covered everything for them with that money and by working full time myself.

This mans actions have driven OP into debt, caused her to be unable to afford essentials for herself and her children, caused her to be verbally abused, caused her great anxiety and stress, and the man himself does not see the problem with any of this and if now blaming OP for wanting it to change.
Why oh why oh why would anyone advise her to stay @Carolinesyear

OP you cannot continue to have a joint account with this man and you cannot marry him.

You need to acknowledge that he is taking money from your children's mouths.

As a parent it is your duty to protect your children.

You are not doing this as you are allowing a man to take money away from your children needs to supply his children's wants.

You e got two choices, accept or walk away. Trying to change what is ultimately the person he is, too kind, desperate to see and utterly stressed and anxious when he can't, is not got to happen, at least not without him under so much pressure that he becomes unhappy.

You can accept that it is his choice and a part of his life you don't really want to share. If that's the case, you need to come to an agreement that finances are all separate and you co.pro.ise by not questioning how he spends his disposable money, he compromises by never asking you for money even as a one day loan.

If that's not possible, then you might to accept that the relationship is not going to work.

@Dollyparton3 that's awful! It treats the DSC as if they are only part of the family when times are good but as soon as times are bad they are most important and shouldn't be affected.

The fact you haven’t had your hair done in months also struck me too. Does your DP not see the irony of that specific example rather just not getting the general issue of you and your children going without while you prop up his finances?

I think a few days away at your mum’s is very sensible. I’m not necessarily piling in with the leave him chorus (even though I would personally) but I’d think very long and hard about the wedding and I’d separate your finances completely.

@Blueskythinking123 I agree with you fully & that's how I operate with my exh.
What a lot of 'first families' you read about on here fail to realise is that post separation/divorce joint parenting does NOT equate to joint household! 'First families' no longer share the same household either physically, emotionally or financially & therefore this assumption that exes & dc are entitled to everything in someone else's household is absolutely wrong & it gets perpetuated by BOTH parents.
In this case Spongbobs dp is basically using THEIR household to prop up and fund HIS ex & dc.
My exh, his dw & their dc are a completely separate household to me & I would not dream of taking anything from that household to fund mine. They feed & care for our dc when there & they decide what holidays they can afford etc. It has NOTHING to do with me.
He gives me nominal maintenance & we go halves on everything else that's necessary, & if dd wants an expensive hair colouring she saves up her chore/pocket money for it.
If these men are going to stay in thrall to the dynamics of their exes & dc I honestly don't know why they bother to 'move on' as they & their exes (& often dc) do nothing but create misery for all involved.