DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

I have said it all today.
I’m sick of being the last in his list of priorities.
I feel like I’m being massively taken advantage of.

Right now I’m not sure I want to go through with the wedding.
I don’t know how I can deal with this for the rest of my life.
They treat him like a doormat and he just says “ok, here’s what you demanded”.
It’s sickening.
I can’t live my life like this. I’m on a knifes edge constantly waiting for them to kick off.

I’m financially fucked again after being completely debt free only 6 months ago. I’ve had 2 promotions and big pay rises but seem to be worse off somehow.

I do 90% of everything around the house, literally everything for my kids on my own, I take on the full mental load for everything all the time AND work full time in a busy, stressful job. I may as well still be a single mum… except I’m supposed to be getting married

[quote GloomAndDoom]@Dollyparton3 that's awful! It treats the DSC as if they are only part of the family when times are good but as soon as times are bad they are most important and shouldn't be affected.[/quote]
Yep. Sadly DH has had years of similar bullying to the OP where the ex wife and SD have treated him like a walking cashpoint. If SD didn't get what she wanted she withheld contact so it was a classic case of SD screaming loudly enough over the years to get what she wanted

You can accept that it is his choice and a part of his life you don't really want to share. If that's the case, you need to come to an agreement that finances are all separate and you compromise by not questioning how he spends his disposable money, he compromises by never asking you for money even as a one day loan

Are finances are mostly separate. We have our own accounts and transfer the money to cover bills / food into the joint account.

Also, am I being unreasonable to expect some of his disposable income to go towards maintaining our relationship and occasionally treating me?? I literally ask for nothing and I’ve noticed I’m paying for every single date night. I can’t remember the last time he spoilt me or took me out anywhere.
I feel utterly taken for granted.

OP it sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes.

You need that money back ASAP so you are not in debt. Your partner is leaching/stealing from you to keep his unpleasant children and ex partner in highlights and iMacs. Your own children deserve your money. Don’t let any of them have a penny more from you.

Once you have got the money back - from the joint account if necessary - you need to consider leaving him. This won’t ever change.

This is awful. You need to leave OP as you are being used as a cash point. Your partner will never stand up to his ex-wife and kids, so if you marry him, you will continue to fund them, to your detriment.

Are you a Friends fan?
I'd do a Ross and wrote a lists.
That's a long "Cons" list already. Does he have chubby ankles?
What is on his "Pros" list? Does it balance the Cons?
What would your kids write on a Pros/Cons list?

Once you have got the money back - from the joint account if necessary - you need to consider leaving him. This won’t ever change

I can’t take it out of the joint account, we literally only put in enough to cover the bills, there’s very little surplus because DP uses up whatever is left in the account at the end of every month… it’s not much but there may be say £250 left over and then he uses it up.
We have no savings and he hasn’t saved a single penny towards our wedding.

I don’t even know how this has happened?
I earn less than DP.
I put £1k into the joint account every month and he puts £1.5k.

That leaves me with around £1k every month and his £1.5k.
Out of my £1k left over I pay for everything for me and my kids… childcare for my DS6, dinner money / bus pass for my DD11. All clothes, uniform, haircuts, phone bills for me & DD, petrol, car tax, car insurance, any treats etc.

He pays his ex £400 direct, then phone bills for him and both kids. He has no petrol costs, car insurance, car tax because he has a company electric car.

So he has committed bills of maybe £600 from his “own” money. Where the fuck is the rest of it going??

It’s looking more abs more like financial abuse TBH

I honestly don’t think he’s trying to swindle me over or be horrible to me. He isn’t a bad person, but he isn’t the man I thought he was.
He’s a weak jellyfish of a man who is terrified of saying no to his nasty ex and spoilt children.

But I’m not a fucking doormat and I won’t put up with this.

I’m financially fucked again after being completely debt free only 6 months ago. I’ve had 2 promotions and big pay rises but seem to be worse off somehow.

This is so telling @SpongebobNoPants. An increase in income for you & all that's happened is you're paying out more!!!

Also, am I being unreasonable to expect some of his disposable income to go towards maintaining our relationship and occasionally treating me??

Absolutely not! This really got to me with exdp too. He was giving so much of his income to exw & dc that he had nothing left to spend on Us. We either stayed in and stayed put or I paid for us both.

His dc got 3 week Florida holidays but I paid for our few weekends away!
Honestly when I look back I don't know wtf I was thinking.

I think we all have a tipping point @Spongebob & it sounds like you've reached yours.

I think I was under the misapprehension that the ops children were his. I would say if you decide to split up don't leave the house
Ask him to leave

Also, am I being unreasonable to expect some of his disposable income to go towards maintaining our relationship and occasionally treating me?? I literally ask for nothing and I’ve noticed I’m paying for every single date night. I can’t remember the last time he spoilt me or took me out anywhere
Of course you're not unreasonable at all but am starting to wonder if your annoyance is misdirected.

If indeed he has £1500 a month for himself, £900 free money after his own bills, where does this go? Your OH seems to have an issue with budgeting his money and his paying extra to the ex or agreeing to any demand seems to only be a symptom of it.

This is completely untenable, Sponge. Why ever do you want to marry him? What is in it for you? If you died, and he got the house - would he then pass it on to these monsters in turn?

Do you have bedrooms in the house for the DSC? Could you carry on there without DP if you took in students for a couple of years?

@SpongebobNoPants

I honestly don’t think he’s trying to swindle me over or be horrible to me. He isn’t a bad person, but he isn’t the man I thought he was. He’s a weak jellyfish of a man who is terrified of saying no to his nasty ex and spoilt children.

Sometimes you can treat people in awful ways unintentionally. He may not have been deliberately swindling you, but he has been swindling you, and the only reason he hasn't noticed is because he's been burying his head in the sand and focusing purely on their demands. That's not ok just because he was too preoccupied to notice what he was doing to you.

I think that the a significant part of the problem is asking where the partners money is going after he has paid his agreed upon share of the household expenses. If he pays 500 more towards their household expenses, he is in effect helping to support and subsidize his partner's children who live essentially full time in the household.
Neither partner should ever need to explain how or what they choose to do with their discretionary income. If the household expenses were underestimated that is a problem that needs to be reconfigured.

Perhaps the new partner expectation is that he would continue to provide for his daughter in the same manner that he always intended to do. He no longer has an obligation to his ex, but in truth his financial and emotional intentions towards his children were never a part of the divorce process.

If Spongebob and her partner agreed that a ratio of 1000 to 1500 would be the equitable contributions to allow them to manage a life together, those are the parameters in which they should live.

It is unreasonable of her partner to expect her to subsidize his discretionary shortfall , and it is unreasonable of her to question how he chooses to spend his discretionary income.

It is not a first family vs second family problem. It is totally a financial allocation problem, but to be honest her partner is making the greater monthly contribution to their household. .

Perhaps the problem is that they both are choosing to live a lifestyle that individually neither could afford and for some reason their agreed upon contributions are not enough. If the combined 2500 joint contribution is not covering household expenses, that is where the adjustment needs to be made.

It is a mistake to plan on marrying or living with someone when the parties agree on what each is bringing to the table financially but then have unstated expectations and assumptions about the other's discretionary income.

The immediate solution to to the problem may be to reconfigure the household budget ,and this would mean that you increase the monthly
contribution that each of you make. You then should neither question nor subsidize the other's discretionary spending.

@Tattler2 no he is not subsidising my children. He pays more towards the house because I put down the full deposit and paid for 90% of its contents.
Living with him has also meant I cannot claim child benefit - so I automatically lost out on £140 month.

The agreement was that he contributes more towards the household joint account to make up for these differences in initial contribution.

Neither partner should ever need to explain how or what they choose to do with their discretionary income I think the problem here is the discretionary spending is all being spent on DSC and then that's not enough and demands are being made on Spongebob's money. And quite pressured demands.

If the combined 2500 joint contribution is not covering household expenses, that is where the adjustment needs to be made
It does cover “household expenes” i.e. mortgage, council tax, utility bills, internet, food, water and dog related expenses. These are joint expenses that both DP and I are equally responsible for.

We have our own separate accounts which are for other expenses such as our children and personal bills like mobile phones.

He is not subsidising me in any way.

The immediate solution to to the problem may be to reconfigure the household budget ,and this would mean that you increase the monthly

I cannot increase what I already put into the joint account, all of my money is allocated for bills and child related expenses bar perhaps £200 which I need to retain for emergencies.

I can’t understand how he doesn’t see the problem with how he is treated. I think you deserve better.

Tell her she is on a low income and as she will suffer financially from having to isolate she should apply for the £500 (in England, £750 in wales) isolation support payment. It's made for situations like hers.

Now onto her specifically. Your husband needs to stop being a drip and stop coughing up money for everything, at her whim.

@SpongebobNoPants
By paying a larger percentage of the household expenses, he is subsidizing everyone who lives in the household. He is paying a greater percentage of the mortgage, utilities etc that everyone uses and benefits from. He has fewer people in the household but he pays the greater cost. Your children benefit from his portion of the mortgage payments and utilities, etc.

If he leaves, you are going to be 1500 short in a situation where you are having trouble maintaining with his 1500. It just may be that your current living arrangements may need to be scaled back to accommodate your combined monthly contributions.

You might also consider that it is not very realistic to plan a wedding for which you have to go in debt (long term or short term) to cover .

It seems that the financial stressors could be reduced by cutting back on life style ( i.e. smaller mortgage and scaled back wedding plans).

It is never going to work financially if the 2 of you cannot maintain some level of agreed upon financial autonomy. You have to give up looking at what he chooses to do for his daughter with his discretionary funds and he cannot expect you to float him loans to cover his discretionary spending.