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Original poster

DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

223 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 23/09/2021 06:18

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

  • she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
  • up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
  • she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
  • she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
  • DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
  • SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 28/09/2021 20:27

I got paid 5 days ago and now only have £200 to my name until the end of October and a credit card with £2,600 on which I’m now accruing interest on,

You're being pushed into financial hardship to appease rude, entitled and spoilt little Madams who show you zero respect. It's completely unfair on you and your two children. You deserve better.

RandomMess · 28/09/2021 20:31

You need to be a one track record

"Neither of us can afford how much you are giving your ex and the DSD, it is unaffordable"

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 20:43

@Carolinesyear

Why did his relationship with his first wife break down? According to him and what you think went on? I'm very curious

She was never his wife, they were together 4 years in total. She had several affairs because DP worked away, the last affair was OM who she subsequently ended up engaged to but they split up after a year or two.
This is all true, we have lots of mutual acquaintances

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 20:44

@RandomMess that’s exactly what I am saying. I’ve said “no, we can’t afford it. Not as individuals and not as a household”.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 20:57

So sorry Sponge Flowers

Every penny he’s taken from you, to appease three people who treat you both like shit, is a penny that can’t be spent on your children. And he knows it.

You’re horribly angry and upset now so do whatever makes you feel a bit less crap - cuppa, wine, biscuit, hug from your kids - and try to take your mind off the shameful shit show.

Tomorrow, put pen to paper and think about what life away from it would look like. Imagine the life you could give your children if all of your time, money and emotional energy could be invested in just them. The peace and calm. The things you could plan together.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/09/2021 21:14

Tomorrow, put pen to paper and think about what life away from it would look like. Imagine the life you could give your children if all of your time, money and emotional energy could be invested in just them. The peace and calm. The things you could plan together.

This is brilliant advice! Honestly OP, I couldn't stay in this relationship. He is happy for you to be repairing a raincoat for your child as you can't afford a new one, but expects to take joint money for his daughter to have her hair cut after she called you both cunts and told you she was done with you??? Has he had a blow to the head? He's pathetic!

Can you and your kids go anywhere for a few days for some peace? Any friends or family, just to get your bearings and enjoy some downtime.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 21:20

I would like to point out that DP’s sister is the hairdresser doing her hair tomorrow… she has and always will cut her nieces hair for free, but understandably will not colour it for free as it costs her a lot in time and materials.

SD16 could still get her hair cut, just not coloured. I’m of the opinion that if you’re old enough to want highlights or colour of any sort then you’re old enough to pay for it yourself anyway. Being blonder is not a necessity

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 21:21

I also haven’t had a cut or colour since April. My hair desperately needs it but I can’t afford it right now.

OP posts:
GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 21:22

That's even worse. If she can get a free haircut she should be doing this. She's going to end up in a lifetime of debt.

Carolinesyear · 28/09/2021 21:32

@SpongebobNoPants I can't believe he's bending over backwards to accommodate this woman that treated him so badly!! I was sure there must have been a guilt aspect. The older daughter sounds like she takes after her mother.
Have you ever threatened to leave before? Is this as bad as it's ever gotten? I would go to couples counsel if I were you and then he might see it better from an outsiders perspective. No matter how good and fair SM are they still have the wicked persona shoved onto them and it's definitely one that's perpetuated by spoilt step children, above all you must remain reasonable in his eyes and this is the best way to do it. And ask yourself if you want to be with this man, if you do it's worth a good fight and this might be the first step in winning!

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 21:40

@Carolinesyear no neither can I quite believe it to be honest. She won’t even be civil to him. I hear her often speaking to him like he’s absolute dirt and unfortunately his daughters replicate this behaviour too.

They’ve learned that whoever shouts the loudest gets what they want.

Except me of course. I feel like I’m bottom of the pile of priorities and I’m the only person who doesn’t treat DP badly.

If I try and say “Your ex/kids/the dynamic is making me really anxious” then I’m met with whataboutme cries and somehow the conversation becomes about how hard he has it??

But none of these things were my fault or due to my decisions. I have no control over how his ex lives her life or behaves.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 28/09/2021 21:41

No no no. Stick to your guns about this. It’s a ridiculous situation. If you don’t throw the towel with him, then he had better get your credit card cleared ASAP. You are way more controlled than me, l would text his ex “get a job lazy cow”.

thefourgp · 28/09/2021 21:41

Stay strong OP. Your partner, his ex and the daughter are all using you for money. Don’t let them do it anymore.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 21:41

I just know the eldest and her mum will end up doing something awful to blight the wedding too. I feel sick with worry about it.

I couldn’t afford to live in this house without DP even though all the equity is mine, so I’ve been looking at what I could afford and although the house would be much smaller, it would be all mine.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 28/09/2021 21:43

Sucks to be him because he's going to be alone, skint and miserable when he's driven you away and these vicious little bitches have drained all the money and self respect out of him.
Please don't let this be your future, Sponge Flowers

thefourgp · 28/09/2021 21:44

Your problem isn’t the ex or her daughter, it’s your partner. He shouldn’t be trying to guilt you into backing down. He should be able to see things from your point of view. He shouldn’t be taking you for granted because you don’t shout as loud as the ex does.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 21:44

@EL8888 she does have a job now, although she’s been there for 6 weeks and only worked 2 of those weeks so far due to covid related isolation periods.
She only works 20 hours a week through choice though and I doubt it’ll last.

She works less than 5 mins away and you’d think she was working 17 hour days and doing international travel the way she complains about “how hard it is”.
I have zero sympathy.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/09/2021 21:53

@SpongebobNoPants

I would like to point out that DP’s sister is the hairdresser doing her hair tomorrow… she has and always will cut her nieces hair for free, but understandably will not colour it for free as it costs her a lot in time and materials.

SD16 could still get her hair cut, just not coloured. I’m of the opinion that if you’re old enough to want highlights or colour of any sort then you’re old enough to pay for it yourself anyway. Being blonder is not a necessity

I can’t believe he was paying for a 16 year old to have her hair coloured as a regular expense in the first place.

I’m trying to imagine this conversation firstly with my own dad when I was a teen, and also if a teen of ours tried to have it with my husband.

It’s the kind of expense that’s for one-offs, birthdays/treats or saved for from pocket money/allowance, surely?

EL8888 · 28/09/2021 21:53

@SpongebobNoPants l had forgotten that bit -l stand corrected! I don’t think it computed as she always seems to be grabbing her ex’s money, rather than providing for herself. I’m guessing her plan is to spin out the part time work forever. 20 hours is so little, it’s the exception if l don’t do double that and never mind the travel time

BigRedDuck · 28/09/2021 21:54

Oh OP. What a cluster fuck this is. Well done for sticking up for yourself. No advice at all but thinking of you.

Ellie56 · 28/09/2021 22:10

This all sounds absolutely exhausting.

I wouldn't marry him. I'd dump him and all the aggro and baggage he's brought into the relationship in one fell swoop.

Think how peaceful it will be.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 28/09/2021 22:25

@Ellie56 exhausting doesn’t even adequately describe it.
I’m so anxious and stressed.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 22:27

You don’t have to do it anymore Flowers

We’ve all got your back. Better days can lie ahead x

RandomMess · 28/09/2021 22:28

You have a massive DP problem.

Thanks
aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2021 22:30

He's clearly in denial about the fact that the amount he is trying to give to them is outside of his and your means, so it's hard to get him to even acknowledge that part, but in reality he needs to take some responsibility for what he's been doing to you financially (and emotionally), which is actually really unacceptable.

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