DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

Sorry if my post was confusing OP, in our case we would spend on meals/days out for the kids on the joint account until we realised that the joint account contributions were calculated in a relatively meagre way. You only need a couple of meals out on the joint account and suddenly it's all out of whack and he had nothing left. So muggins was topping it up.

Then take a school trip or a birthday and suddenly I was DH was cleaned out and I had to give him £150 here or there to get to the end of the month to put fuel in his car to get to work.

It's a slippery slope basically and I didn't pick up on it in the early days.

I recently posted about our "freedom day" and the end of maintenance. Yours is coming soon (ish) but it seems as though the ex is already rambling up the financial dependency. You need to stamp that shite out now if possible.

As other posters have said it's her choice not to financially support herself, and to not be vaccinated. That doesn't mean you're the credit line that doesn't get repaid to enable that

Ask him what he would do if you weren't there to subsidise him, then tell him to do that.

Otherwise it sounds like that is exactly the position he will soon himself in.

*he will soon find himself in

@SpongebobNoPants this is absolute BS, I suspect this has been a build up to this. The fog on the pot situation, you helped out once on smaller matter, asked to help out again, then again and now your at boiling point and neither the mum or DH can understand why now you have had enough. I feel for you I do.

But you have to circle around your finances. I'm not going to reiterate what other have said about enabling because I agree and I think the message would have landed.

However If you are going to help him (because let's face it there will be times SM pay for stuff bad things happen ect), it might help you feel a bit more in control if in your mind (and I wouldn't share with this with anyone) say ok if my monthly budget £100 is set aside for "the drama pot" and there's no more money to help.Depending on whether you think that month DH has enforced behaviours with mum depends on if you help bail him out. If he's been weak then say I'm sorry love but no money to help, and I'm sorry your dealing with this. Become a boring broken record. You will feel less helpless and more in control. Expect everyone's anger levels to rise as you hold tight. Don't budge.

Unfortunately for him to change you need to first change your behaviours. He has to feel the pain of no money and fall out with mum for this to end. This will cause a awful few months and a headache for a while but worth it.

I suspect somewhere in your past you were told you responsible for other people's mess ups/emotions , and it was your duty to help. I think honestly you would be worth getting some counselling to help try and fight against this engrained behaviour. I was a bit like this and honestly still am but it helps remove the guilt to have my mind reset.

Having boundaries especially with money is important. Think of it as a life lesson for DH, and @Magda72 was spot on remember every penny that gets spent takes away from your own kids. I often put myself last place but my kids I will fight tooth and nail for. Second families don't mean second place, that includes you.

Also the thread dolly mentioned about freedom day is a lovely read and may make you feel a little less alone with this BS.

You can do this !!!

I haven't read the whole thread so you may already have this information, but the covid vaccine passport on the NHS app is available for people who can prove natural immunity from a recent covid infection - I think it lasts 6 months? So I would double check if that natural immunity rule also exempts her from isolating.

DH needs to grow a pair and just pay the minimum for a few months to concentrate her mind.

It's not fair on you and your DCs for her to leech off you as she does.

@Magda72

He's enabling her & you're enabling him. As a pp said you helping him out at the end of the month IS joint money. You need to stop bailing him out & he needs to stop bailing her out. From what I know of your set up his dc want for nothing & she knows this & is playing on it. She won't stop until it's made clear to her that the ATM is no longer doling out cash. My exdp's exw was like this & honestly I couldn't bare it. He had no money left to spend on our joint life as she bled him dry monthly using the dc (who were spoiled rotten) as a hook. I would be so wary of marrying into that dynamic as it will only solidify in her head that YOUR money is there to be used on her and her dc.

Exactly this.

The PP saying it’s not your business must be have read a different thread to me. You are regularly picking up his financial shortfall because he has such terrible boundaries with his grabby ex.

Serious talks required before you get married as this will not resolve itself.

When his child support payments halve in a year and then disappear completely in another few, I have no doubt the ex will still be asking for handouts.

Your expectations are completely reasonable.

Just a quick update in this ridiculous saga.

This week alone:

1. We have been called evil for not letting SD16 here because her sister has covid. DP calmly explained that we did offer to have SD16 here for the duration of the SD12’s isolation as they had not at that point been in contact since SD12’s symptoms started which was refused. However, for a multitude of reasons we’re not comfortable having SD16 going between houses whilst SD12 is still positive - vulnerable family members, my DS’s birthday is this week etc.

The isolation period is up on Thursday just in time for “our weekend” and we have said either/both girls can continue to freely come and go as they please from ours from then onwards.

I have been repeatedly called a c*nt by their DM and she has sent some seriously vile messages to DP.

1. We’ve had demands for food money for SD16 for college, new clothes etc over and above what DP already gives.

1. We’ve had messaged insisting we buy SD16 a brand new Mac book pro for college even though

I.) the college doesn’t recommend them as some of their programmes / apps don’t function as well on Apple devices II.) SD has been given the use of one of the college laptops for the duration of her course III.) we have offered to put some money towards a new laptop if SD really wants/needs one but it will be part of her Christmas present from us. We can’t afford to just buy one outright and the other girls had their laptops as birthday / Christmas presents so it is unfair for SD16 to receive one “just because”. Their DM also doesn’t want to contribute and expects us to pick up the entire tab.

1. demands again for more money from DP’s ex for new trainers for SD12, even though she had money for new trainers last month because the school has no said the pair she bought for her are unsuitable for sport as they are fashion trainers.

1. SD16 has booked in to hand her hair coloured and cut on Wednesday without prior checking with us. DP normally pays for her to get her hair done but doesn’t get paid until Thursday. He said she can either move her appointment or ask her DM to pay for it and he’ll reimburse her the next day once he’s been paid.

Again we’ve been called c*nts and a whole host of other expletives by DP’s ex and SD16 has screamed that I should pay if her dad can’t. I’ve said no… cue texts from her saying “I’m done with you” to her dad.

It’s so exhausting.

And I thought I'd had a bad week. Sorry @SpongebobNoPants you win, hats down. This sounds just awful, I don't know how you put up with it.

SD16 has booked in to hand her hair coloured and cut on Wednesday without prior checking with us. DP normally pays for her to get her hair done but doesn’t get paid until Thursday. He said she can either move her appointment or ask her DM to pay for it and he’ll reimburse her the next day once he’s been paid.
Again we’ve been called cnts and a whole host of other expletives by DP’s ex and SD16 has screamed that I should pay if her dad can’t.
I’ve said no… cue texts from her saying “I’m done with you” to her dad.*

I honestly cannot fathom ever paying for my child to have their hair done again after such an outburst, which it sounds like has happened already in the past.

If I were your DP I would be massively cutting back what I am willing to spend on these kids, because of their own behaviour, completely aside from their mother's.

I love DP dearly, we’re due to be married in 6 months.
I’m having really cold feet right now because I don’t know if I can deal with this drama for the rest of my life.

DP is a good, kind and generous man. He is standing up for himself but it doesn’t stop them.
I’ve advised him to not respond to texts or calls from their DM anymore. It’s unnecessary as the children are old enough to communicate with directly now. He doesn’t need to speak to their DM unless there’s a dire emergency.

*I honestly cannot fathom ever paying for my child to have their hair done again after such an outburst, which it sounds like has happened already in the past.

If I were your DP I would be massively cutting back what I am willing to spend on these kids, because of their own behaviour, completely aside from their mother's.*
This!
They sound spoiled rotten & not even slightly grateful!

Oh I forgot to mention… After all of DP’s Ex’s ranting about having to isolate again and missing money from not being able to work, she’s carried on her life as normal in every other respect.
She’s been to pubs, her friend’s houses and shops etc but just not to work.

He needs to grow a spine and very very fast.

I wouldn't be marrying him as he will likely drag you into debt funding his DCs forever as he is incapable of saying no.

But @SpongebobNoPants it sounds like your dp's generosity is turning them into mini versions of their dm. Cutting contact with her will help but it won't stop the girls' demands.
I say this as that was my experience with exdp.
The kids just picked up where dm left off & even now (we chat from time to time) they are still bleeding him dry & he lets them because anything else causes moods & rows.
It's no way to live & I honestly think he will be an ATM to them until the day he dies - & then they'll be wanting inheritance!

It's no way to live & I honestly think he will be an ATM to them until the day he dies - & then they'll be wanting inheritance!

DP is considerably older than me and has accumulated no wealth of his own. It is highly likely I’ll outlive him and trust me, they won’t receive a penny of it. DP knows this by the way, instead he has a 2nd life insurance for which they are the joint beneficiaries

I would immediately block anyone who ever called me a c*nt.

I would also be telling your DP that he need not waste his breath asking me for a single penny whilst he was handing over money to someone who was that vile about me.

And actually, I'd be pretty furious that he allowed her to speak of me like that and didn't pull her up on it. It's disgusting.

Looks like 16 year old is going the way of her charming mother, based on the Cut/colour conversation...manipulative and abusive. Nice.

Listen to your gut. It doesn’t sound much like he’s standing up for himself. No one calls my husband or me a cunt. Just no.

Even if he’ll accept this for himself surely he should want better for you, his infinitely supportive partner who he’s meant to love, cherish and respect.

No more comms with the ex, no fucking haircuts, trainers or extras. No fucking MacBook. Block the ex, both of you. Have serious words with both his horrible spoilt abusive kids and maybe he needs to see them elsewhere this weekend. They may have been saddled with a nightmare mother but he’s feeding the beasts here and I’m afraid I wouldn’t have either of them in my home or around my child after this outrageous disgusting series of tantrums.

Put off the wedding. You’re right to worry. Things won’t get better, they’ll get worse. Do not hitch your cart to this horse. Prioritise yourself. Prioritise your son.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Listen to your gut. It doesn’t sound much like he’s standing up for himself. No one calls my husband or me a cunt. Just no.

Even if he’ll accept this for himself surely he should want better for you, his infinitely supportive partner who he’s meant to love, cherish and respect.

No more comms with the ex, no fucking haircuts, trainers or extras. No fucking MacBook. Block the ex, both of you. Have serious words with both his horrible spoilt abusive kids and maybe he needs to see them elsewhere this weekend. They may have been saddled with a nightmare mother but he’s feeding the beasts here and I’m afraid I wouldn’t have either of them in my home or around my child after this outrageous disgusting series of tantrums.

Put off the wedding. You’re right to worry. Things won’t get better, they’ll get worse. Do not hitch your cart to this horse. Prioritise yourself. Prioritise your son.

Op - this , all this

EVERYTHING @AnneLovesGilbert said! Spot on with it all!

Surely if you get married and you die first (it could happen even if he’s older than you) then all your estate will go to him instead of your children? Even if he says he’d make sure they get money, it doesn’t sound like he can stand up to his ex and a lot of it may end up going to her and her children instead. Have you considered that OP?

Oh OP this sounds painful for you but don't give up on the person you love because of others. Could you set up an expenditure sheet of what he needs to pay back to you/ bills/ fuel/ cms and general expenses allowing him to see how much he has left over. It may help him manage his money more?

@thefourgp no, luckily my money is tied up in trusts so if I die first he gets the house but that’s it

And shares… I get dividends. If I die they go then my children are the beneficiaries

@SpongebobNoPants oh bless you. Ok let's pick this apart a bit.

We had the "I'm done with you" texts from my SD and that was shortly after I'd put my foot down firmly about something very serious that was affecting me that she didn't give a shit about that she had caused. This was after 8 years of serious pushing from SD. The minute I stood up for myself and DH backed me she pulled out the ultimate gun to his head.

That was when we sat down for a very long serious chat and he saw the light.

All of a sudden he had to make a choice between SD's wishes of getting her own way about seriously bratty and dangerous behaviour being ignored or him/us, as a team saying hell no.

We even talked about what she wanted. She told him I needed to go away, because she was his daughter and would be there forever. We'd been together nearly 10 years and were married and I'd sacrificed shedloads over the years to keep the balance. So what she wanted in this instance was for her dad to be a pushover whenever she wanted something but for him to sit for the rest of his life, single and lonely.

None of that happened. Because you know what? No 16 year old regardless of daughter or stepdaughter has the right to abuse and threaten their parents in that way.

Our situation escalated massively after that and SD just showed herself to be an entitled bully. I still take no shame in saying "no" to her and watching her explode with venom.

You and your DH need to find the time to talk. Support each other and come up with a strategy. I don't believe your DH is gutless, probably shocked, embarrassed and massively worried about what you're thinking right now.

Our strategy was to stonewall the batshit and give ourselves headspace to work things out. You can do this too. Now that everyone has calmed down DH sees the whole dynamic differently. Yes it's been frustrating and yes it took a while for us both to confide in close friends and understand that we hadn't caused any of this. You can do the same too. The most important thing is to remember that you two live together and have built a life together. Don't let irrational wants and entitled bitter people tear that down.

We're now 6 months on from the big event that nearly destroyed us. I feel supported, loved, respected and my bank balance is a lot healthier for it. You can get there