DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

@SpongebobNoPants do you get CMpayments? If not do you think your DP is making a point? Ie "look what a great father I am compared to your ex"?

No @spacejam is correct, it’s based off any one individual’s income in the household being more than £50k. DP’s was last year so I’m not entitled to it.
He may breach £50k this year too due to doing over time and night shifts which come with a bonus.

@Carolinesyear I get nothing at all for my DD (her dad lives in Australia, no contact now) and £200pcm for my DS. So not much at all.

No I don’t think he even thinks of my kids in his reasoning, he just does pays out constantly because he thinks it’ll give him an easy life if he just concedes to their demands.

He’s a total conflict avoider, but him giving in to demands saves conflict in the immediate moment but generates more hassle down the line because it’s fuelling this awful dynamic between everyone.

@Tattler2

Housing is different in the UK to the States. One considerable expense is Council Tax, for local taxes like education, health and police. This is based on 2 adults in the house. If there is only one eligible adult (not in education), it's reduced by 25%. For a large house, that reduction could be £1000 a year or more, depending on location.

Also, we have far less bungalows than the US and these are highly sought after by seniors. So to get that one extra bedroom, large enough for 2 teenage girls, you will also be paying for an extra reception room downstairs and probably an extra bathroom. It is a big jump, mortgage and bills wise from a 3 to a 4 bedroomed house.

@SpongebobNoPants he's definitely not helped himself, is he completely transparent? I wonder if this goes on a lot but men hide it from their partner. My partner could definitely be giving extra cash to his ex and I'd never know about it. Those girls never and I mean NEVER turn up in the same outfit twice, she's a big spender I know that much.
How is he with your children, is he generous and caring towards them, have the recent upsets caused him to withdraw towards them too?

@Carolinesyear
He’s kind but not generous with them, no. Like I said I pay for absolutely everything for them on my own. He knew I was struggling for uniform for my DD as she’s just started secondary school and every item has to be school branded so it’s mega expensive.
He saw me struggle and decided to give extras to his ex yet again.

He does withdraw from them (and me) when his ex and his kids are behaving badly. It’s totally unfair as I feel like I’m being punished for his ex’s behaviour

Op I hope you manage to clear the air tonight. You need to have a really frank and detailed conversation and things need to change starting today. Anything less and I would be reconsidering this relationship.
You deserve better than this, he is a spineless man and I hope he realizes what he could loose if he doesn't sort his shit out.
Agree with pp the extra £250 in the joint account goes straight to paying off the CC, no excuses.

@SpaceshiptoMars thank you. I don’t think tattler quite gets the difference between our countries. I could get a suitable 3 bed house for £200k where I am with £150pcm council tax.
Our 4 bed was a bargain at £300k and council tax is £291pcm

He’s kind but not generous with them, no. Like I said I pay for absolutely everything for them on my own. He knew I was struggling for uniform for my DD as she’s just started secondary school and every item has to be school branded so it’s mega expensive.
He saw me struggle and decided to give extras to his ex yet again.

He does withdraw from them (and me) when his ex and his kids are behaving badly. It’s totally unfair as I feel like I’m being punished for his ex’s behaviour

This too I can fully identify with.
One xmas I had to ask exdp to leave & not come back to ours until the kids had all gone back to school/college. He was having a bad xmas with exw & dc & while in the house was withdrawing from me & my dc. None of us had done anything wrong & yet we bore the burst of the mood incurred by HIS exw & dc.
Before anyone says I wasn't sympathetic enough - I spent YEARS being sympathetic but got fed up of me & my dc being the ONLY ones being kind to him (his own kids didn't even buy him birthday or Christmas gifts (because they "had no money" - all teens I should point out) & having it all taken for granted.
I hope your chat goes well @SpongebobNoPants but listen to your gut if it's telling you he's being easy with words.
I'd also be a bit wary of the 'you don't need to know - I'll handle ex & dc' attitude. I'm only speaking from my own experience but exdp said & did that too but all that happened was he kept spending on them & 'We' still had no money.

[quote Magda72]@Blueskythinking123 I agree with you fully & that's how I operate with my exh.
What a lot of 'first families' you read about on here fail to realise is that post separation/divorce joint parenting does NOT equate to joint household! 'First families' no longer share the same household either physically, emotionally or financially & therefore this assumption that exes & dc are entitled to everything in someone else's household is absolutely wrong & it gets perpetuated by BOTH parents.
In this case Spongbobs dp is basically using THEIR household to prop up and fund HIS ex & dc.
My exh, his dw & their dc are a completely separate household to me & I would not dream of taking anything from that household to fund mine. They feed & care for our dc when there & they decide what holidays they can afford etc. It has NOTHING to do with me.
He gives me nominal maintenance & we go halves on everything else that's necessary, & if dd wants an expensive hair colouring she saves up her chore/pocket money for it.
If these men are going to stay in thrall to the dynamics of their exes & dc I honestly don't know why they bother to 'move on' as they & their exes (& often dc) do nothing but create misery for all involved.[/quote]
I feel the same.

Our household operates with me and DP paying our share. I get some money (minimum amount) from exH. He pays over the odds for his DC as he has 50/50 but funds everything apart from clothes at their houses (all uniform, trips, clubs, phones, hair etc) but as long as he pays his half that’s his choice.

I don’t ask exH for a penny over what he pays even though what he pays is laughable for what the kids cost. ExH is happy to live in a house with his DP, no other kids and spend on himself for lavish holidays, just bought a new big house etc, whilst paying the minimum for his kids, and having them the minimum too. I don’t want a penny more of someone who thinks that is fine! So I work full time and pay for everything they need myself topped up by his laughable maintanence. I would never go begging him for money for things, unless there was absolutely no other option and the kids didn’t have the essentials. And even then id probably rather sell a kidney, haha!

So I don’t get it either. Parents who are happy to run to the ex and remain reliant on them and entitled even after separation.

@SpongebobNoPants

No *@spacejam* is correct, it’s based off any one individual’s income in the household being more than £50k. DP’s was last year so I’m not entitled to it. He may breach £50k this year too due to doing over time and night shifts which come with a bonus.

You don't automatically lose at £50k. It's a sliding scale down to a loss at £60k. Plus if your DP makes any contribution to a workplace pension that might take him under the limit.

You need to check and claim. ASAP.

Plus if he's close to earning £50k a year his take home should be more than the £2,700 you quoted above so he's having a laugh with you there too.

I know you said £44k/£2,700 a month but later you said with shifts and stuff close to £50k. Either way you should claim CB and find check his wage info. Something is not quite right.

He’s not lying about his payslips, I’ve seen them. His wage is £44k but he’ll likely do night shifts soon and over time during the winter period so that’ll probably take him over the threshold.

I know it’s a sliding scale I’m not sure he’ll agree to me claiming and him paying the tax.

He has a company car so being heavily taxed perhaps, pay extra into his pension?

I would claim CB, his responsibility to do a tax return plus if it all goes tits up then it will be quicker and easier to claim any other help/benefit you are entitled to.

@SpongebobNoPants.

This is all so one sided isn't it? He knows you struggled to kit your DD out for secondary school with essential stuff , but didn't contribute a penny to help, yet you're expected to subsidise him at the end of the month because his Ex and his daughters want unnecessary extras like hair extensions?

The more you post the more awful he sounds. I don't know why you're even with this spineless waste of space. Why does his Ex get more than you when you're the one he's supposed to love and is planning to marry?

Quite frankly, he is just taking the piss and using you as a cash cow. You can do a lot better than him. I would dump him. It won't get any better.

@SpongebobNoPants

He’s not lying about his payslips, I’ve seen them. His wage is £44k but he’ll likely do night shifts soon and over time during the winter period so that’ll probably take him over the threshold.

I know it’s a sliding scale I’m not sure he’ll agree to me claiming and him paying the tax.

Does he need to?? The guy can't have it all ways.

Youre struggling to pay for your kids school uniform, you're now over £2500 in debt BECAUSE OF HIM.. and you're the bad guy for saying no to hair dye.

Id be cancelling the wedding and clawing back as much money as possible from that to pay off the credit card. How can you love him when he treats you this poorly?

He doesn't have to agree to you claiming child benefit you just do it.

You could agree to pay the tax element or it be a family cost 🤷🏽‍♀️

If you both have £250 a month left over after bills and he's spending that, rather than saving it, then in your shoes op I'd put £125 a month less in the pot.

This is all so one sided isn't it? He knows you struggled to kit your DD out for secondary school with essential stuff , but didn't contribute a penny to help, yet you're expected to subsidise him at the end of the month because his Ex and his daughters want unnecessary extras like hair extensions?  The more you post the more awful he sounds

This. I really don't understand how he can not see that this is really skewed.

Well we’ve had a long chat this evening. He’s saying all the right things… let’s just see how it pans out in reality

Glad the chat went well but from all else you've said (especially him seeing you struggle financially and not helping out), I think you probably know deep down that he's not the right guy for you. You deserve so much better.

@SpongebobNoPants

Well we’ve had a long chat this evening. He’s saying all the right things… let’s just see how it pans out in reality

A toons speak so much louder than words though. You need to think about what he has actually done to show you that he is willing to make the necessary changes,

Also, this really stood out for me:

*He hasn't saved a penny towards the wedding.
*
Think about why you want to marry him. You've said on this thread and previous that's he's a good man, and you have a great relationship other than the dynamics of his EXDW and his DC, however as you have found out, that has a HUGE impact on your household and life. The stress it can bring is immense, particularly when the NRP is in denial about how the situation affects life at your house.

If you feel you'd like to continue the relationship with your DP, I'd put the wedding on hold for now, and engage in some couples counselling/therapy, so you can work through the points of conflict with an independent third party. Perhaps that's what it will take for him to truly see that you are at your wits end, and are close to walking away.

*Actions speak so much louder than words