DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague - IRRELEVANT

• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another) - IRRELEVANT

• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc - IRRELEVANT

• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17 - IRRELEVANT

• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else - Good as he should do. CMS does not come close to raising a child

• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now - Again good. A father should be open to his children at all time.

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc. - Not acceptable. A set amount (that actually covers half the cost of raising the child) should be agreed and nothing more or less. However it’s his child. His ex and his problem to sort.

Did he promise changes financially? Has he sent you the money for the credit card or said how he will pay his part of the wedding costs?

The ex & eldest DSD sound awful.

@Madwife123 - none of those points are IRRELEVANT as they all highlight the ex's mindset & attitude to op & her dp's finances, & to money in general.
Those points would only be IRRELEVANT if she never came looking for money for extras!
The cost of raising a child is subjective. I appreciate I'm not in the UK but here in Ireland maintenance is awarded to cover a child's necessities (food, heat, necessary clothing, schooling) & I would imagine it's the same in the UK.
Extras (non necessary clothing, holidays, hair colouring, hobbies etc.) are discretionary & dependant on individual parents values, mindsets & finances. Some parents can afford some or all of these things & choose to spend their money that way - other parents cannot afford these things or choose not to spend their money that way.
Op's gripe (I believe) is that her dp's exw expects her dp to pay for unnecessary extras that he cannot afford & which by constantly outlaying for is depleting op's own finances.
The reason none of those points are IRRELEVANT is that if the ex wants these things for her dc; if she places that much importance on trainers, hair colour etc. then SHE should get up off her arse and work towards providing those things for HER dc instead of expecting op's household to remain out of pocket.

The reason none of those points are IRRELEVANT is that if the ex wants these things for her dc; if she places that much importance on trainers, hair colour etc. then SHE should get up off her arse and work towards providing those things for HER dc instead of expecting op's household to remain out of pocket

THIS

@Madge72
It is entirely possible that the ex wife has expectations of the child's father without having any interest in or expectations of the OP or her household.

When my children ask me or their dad for something, they are not petitioning the household. They are simply asked their parent as all children have an absolute right to do.

Parents are free to say yes or no based upon what matters to them and how they wish to provide for their kids.

I don't think that any parent should expect a person who is not the child's parent to pay expenses of any kind for a child that is not their own. Kind and thoughtful step.parents , grand parents, etc do this all of the time because they wish to do so, but this should never be an expectation.

Children should always be permitted to ask their parents for the things that they wish to have. It is then up to the parent to make the decision as to what and how they are going to respond. The parent should never expect a romantic partner to have any financial obligation towards them are their children. That ceases to be romance/love and becomes more about money and finances.

Everything @Tattler2 said

Good luck @SpongebobNoPants… Personally, I’d be very tempted to take all his cards and pay him a bloody wage until he has paid what he owes and your credit card is back to black.

@Madwife123 those points are not irrelevant and CMS Iis worked out by officials who know exactly what it costs to raise a child with the basics! If people feel their children want more than the basics that's up to them to work out

@Tattler2 please go back and read some of my previous threads. His ex very much thinks I should be contributing financially towards his children.
I’ve had screams (literally screams) of “But you have 2 incomes and I’m not working!!”

I’ve also had it assumed that we would agree to huge luxury presents for the SDs and she expected her, DP and me to go 1/3 each… one of my previous threads was about her insuring we purchase £600 designer trainers for SD’s last birthday. Another thread is about how she ended up spending close to £1k on SD16’s prom outfit.

All the time expecting me to cough up funds towards it.

@Tattler2 you are being deliberately obtuse. It is plainly obvious the ex expects op's dp to fund 'extras' that she herself has NO intention of funding & if she or the dc are told 'no' abuse & tantrums ensue. In behaving in this manner it is clear they expect to come first in all dp's financials & in doing do expect op to take a financial back seat in her own household!
Yes the dp is to 'blame' but so is the ex who is a bully - plain & simple - as is the dd. I wish people on here would stop trying to rationalise or excuse the behaviour of women like this; women who cannot get it into their tiny brains that if you want treats or luxuries in life you have to work to earn money for them; that you can't just stamp your feet & they appear!

Ah @SpongebobNoPants so we had to literally move all of DH money into my account, have a spreadsheet of every bill (which gets ticked off as it comes out) and then say ok this month you have x left and my DH asked to be paid every week from that pot because money was running out.

Just before someone comes at me, my DH asked for this as he's useless with money and I said to him I'm sick of paying out for your inability to manage money and I need you to leave.

It involves work and frankly although it's frustrating to have to do it but in long term it's what works for us.

Money doesn't grow on trees and the reason why your SC and the ex can do this is simply your income. DH would have to say no if he didn't have you.

You can make this work if you want to but remember you and your children have value too. Keep us posted ! Xx

I'm glad your talk went well.

@Madwife123

she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague - IRRELEVANT

Not irrelevant. These are the questions SM’s are continually asked on this board. I was directly asked why they split up by another poster, I didn’t just throw it out there for fun.
The length of time they're been split up is also 100% relevant because it’s demonstrates that she’s had ample time to adjust to the split family situation and has moved on emotionally from it.
There is no excuse after nearly 12 years of separation to still be so financially reliant on your ex partner. Quite frankly it’s embarrassing.

up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another) IRRELEVANT

Again, not at all irrelevant. It paints a clear picture of who she is, her level of entitlement and her work ethic which is zero. This is a woman who has shown she is lazy and thinks the world owes her a living without her having to earn it.
This attitude extends to her view of my partner.

she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc IRRELEVANT

Please see previous point. She’s lazy, work shy and entitled.

she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17 IRRELEVANT

Again, not irrelevant. This is a life decision she has made which affects her earning potential. If she wants more money for her household she needs to work full time like every else. Instead she chooses to work part time and whine about having little money whilst also expecting my household to pick up the slack.

DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else - Good as he should do. CMS does not come close to raising a child

You cannot possibly know that. Child raising costs are subjective and I don’t see why my DP should be contributing more financially towards his children than their mother. These costs should be split, not solely burdened by one parent regardless of which way around it is.

SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now - Again good. A father should be open to his children at all time

What am I meant to say? Thanks? Of course it’s good, because he’s a good father and I’m a good stepmother. Your comment on this was IRRELEVANT.

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc Not acceptable. A set amount (that actually covers half the cost of raising the child) should be agreed and nothing more or less. However it’s his child. His ex and his problem to sort

Yes it is hugely unacceptable. What DP pays via CMS and the extras is more than half. Also they spend a lot of time at ours too so those costs borne by this household need to be taken into consideration too. They don’t sleep on boxes or eat fresh air, and I’ve never once heard their DM offer to reduce the amount when we’ve had the girls for extended periods of time.
It works both ways.

The cost of feeding, housing and school related costs are 100% covered. The problem is his ex and SDs want to live beyond their means and think it’s acceptable to demand more money from DP to fund this lifestyle.

• demanding a Mac air book
• demanding £600 trainers
• demanding a third winter coat
• demanding a 2nd pair of trainers because the 1st pair they bought aren’t suitable for school
• demanding the latest iPhone midway through SD’s phone contract and expecting DP to pay the early upgrade fee
• demanding a £575 prom dress from a 16yo
• demanding we contribute towards their holiday as well as our own
• demanding we pay for half of literally every single expense… on a previous thread I even described how we got a text from his ex last year saying we owed £3.50 towards a Halloween costume she’d bought for the youngest.

Honestly, it’s beyond a joke.

And yes, although I agree this should be DP’s problem to sort out, it’s ended up becoming my problem too. Hence the thread.

I hope that things change for you after the chat. I hope he apologized for lumping you in with them as making his life difficult. Hopefully he's going to pay off the credit card with all that money he earns over and above what you do.

Hopefully the wedding is still a nice long way away so you've got time to really really think about whether you want to shackle yourself to this weak man for the rest of your life to the detriment of your own children.

Realistically you've got 6 more years of demands from the ex before maintenance stops. After that, I'd bet my life's savings that you will enter a new era of adult SDs making constant demands and dragging DP into debt. You see threads like that on here all the time.

It will never stop. The only way this has any hope of working out is if he completely changes his approach and puts his foot down, or you completely seperate finances. Otherwise, you're bound to end up separating in ten years time when they're 27 and demanding money for rent/cars/weddings/holidays with their mates. If I were you, the misery of watching him putting himself through it, and lack of prospects for us as a couple, would ultimately make me too resentful. He would simply need to grow a spine and change the way he deals with them, or I could not stick around to watch.

To be honest, I think you need to tell him you need to go back to a lawyer. He has been contributing more to the joint account in order to earn equity in the house, but the truth is that he has been effectively taking money from you to fund that, given that you have a credit card debt to fund his spending on his DDs. In reality, he hasn't earned that equity. If you spell this out and stop him pretending he is funding his equity and his kids on his own, I think he will start to understand what he is doing and grow more spine. If not, you have a choice - marriage will be for poorer and you'll have to accept that to a degree. You seem like a nice person - protect yourself.

Please don't marry him op. He's taking food out of your kids' mouths in order to treat his own to luxuries. This is not the behaviour of a loving , caring partner. You deserve better.

Imagine a life without him , his exw and dc spending your money. That's what you could have.

@SpongebobNoPants I think @aSofaNearYou's last post says all you need to know really.
This is where I ended up with exdp. He tackled the exw & blocked her - fine. However, he only half tackled the dc & kept sliding. All I could see ahead of me was a future/retirement/old age being dictated by the financial demands & entitlement of 3 lazy adults.
I think I've mentioned before how during one of my last chats with exdp he mentioned that he'd bought, taxed and insured a car for his eldest so he won't be dependent on public transport. This guy is now 22 & has not worked a day in his life - no Saturday job, no summer job, nothing. He's on his second college course all fully & solely funded by exdp, as is his accommodation, living expenses & petrol. The last time I spoke to exdp he was waiting for his 18 year old to pass his test so he could get him a car! Same story - has never worked a day.
Exdp justifies this by saying cars make them independent! Maybe if you've worked for them - but not if they're handed to you on a plate!
This is the man who couldn't afford weekends away with me!
Just be really, really careful here as the ex is really only one third of the problem.

I would seriously rethink getting married.

[quote Magda72]@Madwife123 - none of those points are IRRELEVANT as they all highlight the ex's mindset & attitude to op & her dp's finances, & to money in general.
Those points would only be IRRELEVANT if she never came looking for money for extras!
The cost of raising a child is subjective. I appreciate I'm not in the UK but here in Ireland maintenance is awarded to cover a child's necessities (food, heat, necessary clothing, schooling) & I would imagine it's the same in the UK.
Extras (non necessary clothing, holidays, hair colouring, hobbies etc.) are discretionary & dependant on individual parents values, mindsets & finances. Some parents can afford some or all of these things & choose to spend their money that way - other parents cannot afford these things or choose not to spend their money that way.
Op's gripe (I believe) is that her dp's exw expects her dp to pay for unnecessary extras that he cannot afford & which by constantly outlaying for is depleting op's own finances.
The reason none of those points are IRRELEVANT is that if the ex wants these things for her dc; if she places that much importance on trainers, hair colour etc. then SHE should get up off her arse and work towards providing those things for HER dc instead of expecting op's household to remain out of pocket.[/quote]
Exactly.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Tattler2 please go back and read some of my previous threads. His ex very much thinks I should be contributing financially towards his children.
I’ve had screams (literally screams) of “But you have 2 incomes and I’m not working!!”

I’ve also had it assumed that we would agree to huge luxury presents for the SDs and she expected her, DP and me to go 1/3 each… one of my previous threads was about her insuring we purchase £600 designer trainers for SD’s last birthday. Another thread is about how she ended up spending close to £1k on SD16’s prom outfit.

All the time expecting me to cough up funds towards it.[/quote]
Sounds like his e x never learned the value of money!

The problem is if the ex is setting the status quo on how to handle money aka daddy will pay for it and the kids just mimic it.

It's the same reason why abusive parents often create children that either accept or mimic this behaviour in adulthood. It's all they have ever learnt. However generational bonds can be broken in adulthood with a lot of therapy and hard work. However entitled people don't go to therapy why would they ? They benefits from having the world spin around them.

Another option is to sever the financial ties that bind and if he gets into debt well that's his debt. I would say get a prenup but frankly in this country they don't seem to be worth the paper they are written on unless water tight.

I know this isn't how you wanted to go into a marriage.
You can't control how he's gonna behave, only your reactions to his actions or lack of.

Also to the people saying that the back info about the ex being irrelevant- you can swivel. Your the same people who would be saying op was drip feeding info and saying not enough background info was supplied so there's so sides to every coin.

The way the ex is acting is giving mums a bad name (I would never treat my ex like cash machine because I have respect for myself and him)

Yeah fuck that, I would not be marrying him, your partner needs to grow a spine and say no to them, or start selling his organs on the black market, this is ridiculous, there is being supportive as a step parent and there is plain old taking the piss, life is too short for this shit.

Please don’t marry him. Put it off for at least a year. I suspect he’s saying all the right things because his gravytrain is leaving the station and he’s staring at the machine and knows he has no clue how to buy a ticket and legitimately get on board. He’s flubbed his way through with Mr Nice Guy words so far, but his actions haven’t added up to being your true adult partner have they? His kids are not your kids or your responsibility and he has not had the balls to tell his ex this because he doesn’t want this or BELIEVE this. If he truly believed you were his partner, it wouldn’t occur to him that joint money would be used to fund his ex or his kids. Partnership involves equality.