DP’s ex’s constant demands for more money

[SpongebobNoPants]

Many of you will recognise me from previous threads about my SD’s mum.

Quick summary of relevant info:

• she’s nearly 40 and her and DP split nearly 12 years ago due to her having an affair with a colleague
• up until recently she had been unemployed for over 3 years through choice (no illness, was made redundant from old job and didn’t look for another)
• she has never had a full time job, again through choice as childcare options were available etc
• she recently got a job but has decided to only do part time hours even though SDs are 12 & nearly 17
• DP pays above CMS, for all phone bills, uniforms, bus passes, and at least half of absolutely everything else
• SDs officially come to ours EOW but are here several times a week for dinner or stay overs because they’re old enough to come and go as they please now

So, here’s my gripe. Every single month (sometimes actually weekly) without fail she’ll call / text or get the girls to get in touch asking for more money for different things. It’s often not small amounts either… £100 for this, £250 for that etc.

Most of the time DP will oblige because he would never see his kids go without.

We took youngest SD away camping (oldest didn’t want to come, we paid for her to go to the Reading festival instead). The day we returned SD17 told us she’d just tested positive for covid. She was fine but obviously had to isolate.

We therefore made the decision to keep SD12 with us as we didn’t want her to go back to a household with confirmed covid in it. 5 days into isolation their DM tested positive, then as soon as her isolation period was up she went on trip away with her friends because it ended on “our weekend” with SDs.

So all in all we ended up having SD12 for nearly 4 weeks solidly. Not a problem, these things happen etc and of course she’s always welcome here as this is her home too.

Here’s now my problem… SD12 has now tested positive for covid (asymptomatic so not poorly, just positive) and her DM is kicking off demanding money as she now has to isolate and can’t go to work.

DP questioned this as the rules have changed but it turns out she’s anti-vax and turned down the vaccine so under the new guidance still has isolate if a member of her household has covid. Due to her short working hours, SD’s age and the fact she’s not actually poorly - if their DM had actually got the vaccine there would be no reason why she would need to miss work.

She was literally screaming down the phone saying she’ll miss out on money from work as she’ll have to take unpaid leave etc. She thinks DP and I should pay her wage or at least give extra cash.

Firstly, we do not have the spare cash to do this. We’ve offered for SD16 to come and stay here to ease the burden etc.

Secondly, my DP cannot afford to keep giving her the extra cash all the time as it is and I’m constantly bailing him out financially towards the the of every month and it’s beginning to really piss me off. I’ve accrued some credit card debt forward funding a few joint costs which I seem to always be paying off singlehandedly.

I have my own 2 children to support (not DPs, from previous relationships) and I am becoming resentful of her lazy, demanding attitude.

I do not think it’s up to us help out other than with the children and the only reason she’ll now be out of pocket is because of her life choices.

-she chose not to work for so long
-she chooses to only work part time
-she chose to not get vaccinated

I fail to see how any of these things are our problem? If she’s short of cash this month then she’ll need to do what other people do… use savings or a credit card.

I have told DP I would have no issue him giving extra all the time if he could actually afford it but he can’t so essentially I’m subsidising her monetary demands and I’m not willing to do it anymore.

I swear to God if he caves and pays out to her I will ask him to leave. I’m that furious about it.

What did your DP say? Does he get it?

Your DP is enabling her by keeping on bailing her out. She sounds like she can’t manage her money and is using your DP as an overdraft. At 17 and 12 there is no reason she shouldn’t be supporting herself. Your DP would be better going halves on before and after school clubs so she can work and not offering anything beyond CMS, unless to DSC directly by way of things.

This is cascading down to you given you’re having to prop your DP up. What about your kids and their future? Why are you jointly responsible for his kids but seemingly solely individual for your own. That’s not how a household should run.

Your DP needs to look at his finances and figure out what he can actually afford (not what you can afford together) and start reining it in.

It’s not your job to compensate BM for loss of earnings. That’s life. She needs to cut her cloth accordingly like everyone else. The kids won’t starve, they can eat at yours!!

He needs to stop bailing her out, or expecting you to, rather. It's clear from all of your previous threads that she is delusional on this subject and enabling is just breeding more entitlement in an endless cycle. Time to draw a line and make a change. What does your DH say?

She’s obviously incredibly useless, unreasonable and demanding but I’d separate the issues.

If he had an expensive hobby he couldn’t afford that meant he was spending money he didn’t have and expecting you to get into debt to compensate for it would you support that? No. That’s what this effectively is. She’s a money pit, he’s doing neither her nor the kids any favours by behaving like this and he’s jeopardising your relationship at the same time.

At the core he’d rather upset you than her.

So yes, draw a line this instant and don’t sub him a penny. If he pushes back then end it.

Imagine the unadulterated joy and peace of mind if you could enjoy your life with your children and weren’t wasting time, money, energy and emotional labour on this shit show. I bet it would be even more amazing than you expect.

As aside I wouldn’t be combining finances with this man. He doesn’t respect you enough.

No just no. If it was only affecting him then that’s his problem but it’s affecting you financially. It stops or him and his kids are gone

The most reasonable thing to do is to tell him that your finances are separate and that he has to pay his share of the household finances regardless of what his other expenses (mandatory and elective,) may be.

Indicate that his share of your household expenses must be paid on time and that you will no longer be able to subsidize his share of the expenses.

It should not be your concern that he provides " extra money " for his children or the fact that his ex does not work. What should matter in your household is that he is failing to meet his agreed upon expenses in your household. Maybe he can solve both interest by finding a second job.

The fact that the ex does not work is not your concern. Your concern is his meeting his agreed upon financial responsibility in your shared household. If he had a roommate or a different landlord, he would meet his obligation and they would never involve his children or his ex in any discussion related to his financial obligations to them . Financially, you should treat your financial agreement in the same manner that any other roommate or landlord would do.

I think that in any situation where there is a financial agreement it is best to maintain that agreement separate from personal or relationship agreements.

I have no real idea what my husband spends on or related to his children and would not matter to me whether his ex worked or not, and the same is true for him. He neither knows nor cares what I spend on my children. What matters is that we both meet our share of the agreed upon household expenses.

I think you loose the ability to deal realistically with the issue at hand when you bring in his children and his ex. Your concern should not be what he is doing for them rather it should be what he is not doing in your household.

You would be in exactly the same situation if instead of giving the money to them he were going to the races and betting on horses or giving the money to his parents or some other family member.

It should not be up to you to find a solution for him. You only interest and involvement should be in insisting that his share be full and timely paid.

Let's give the ex wife an award for cheeky fuckery, I mean Jeez!!!!

I've been where you are OP, more often than not topping up the joint account or subbing DH because the kids have cost him more than expected. We didn't have direct request such as this, they would have made my blood boil.

I think it's important for you and DH to sit down and have a chat about where the budget constraints are. For both of you I mean.

As for this request, give it the consideration it needs IE all of 2 seconds. Then send a firm no. No discussion, no guilt tripping enabled from her to you, just a flat no.

In my experience these types often milk a situation just because they are belligerent and have an audience. Take the audience away and you're done

To be clear, DP isn’t using “joint” money as such, but he does seem to over stretch himself financially to appease his ex’s demands which often leaves him short towards the end of the month so I end up helping him.

I have forward funded a holiday, some wedding deposits and some bits for our house on a credit card which he had committed to help paying off. My argument was why the hell should I accrue interest on money he should be paying back to me as previously agreed, to allow his ex to have yet more money from him because of decisions she’s made for her life which I had no control over.

he does seem to over stretch himself financially to appease his ex’s demands which often leaves him short towards the end of the month so I end up helping him.

From today you need to stop enabling him.

Set your own boundaries with him. Talk to him about it and put something down in writing.

When he ends up owning you money for two months whether it is a partial amount or not then end the relationship.

When’s the wedding..?

That is using joint money, Sponge. He's shuffling between pots, but even if the money never reached the joint pot in the first place and you made up the difference, it's still joint money he's used. Money he's taken from you and your kids.

Not your problem I’m afraid.

She’s chosen not to get the vaccine, so even if dc12 could come and wait things out at yours until her isolation is up it would make no difference.

If DM had come into contact with someone at work etc with covid she’d still have to isolate. The issue is the same. She couldn’t expect you to fork her wages. She’s using Dc as an excuse to try and get you to pay.

@Tattler2

I think that in any situation where there is a financial agreement it is best to maintain that agreement separate from personal or relationship agreements.

I have no real idea what my husband spends on or related to his children and would not matter to me whether his ex worked or not, and the same is true for him. He neither knows nor cares what I spend on my children. What matters is that we both meet our share of the agreed upon household expenses.

I think you loose the ability to deal realistically with the issue at hand when you bring in his children and his ex. Your concern should not be what he is doing for them rather it should be what he is not doing in your household.

You would be in exactly the same situation if instead of giving the money to them he were going to the races and betting on horses or giving the money to his parents or some other family member.

It should not be up to you to find a solution for him. You only interest and involvement should be in insisting that his share be full and timely paid.

I agree with this.

His agreement with what he spends with his kids needs to be seperate.

He has half of household costs to meet and what he pays for his kids outside that is his business.

If he can’t afford to do things like a holiday etc, then you go without him, with your kids. If he can’t afford that due to subsidising his ex, that’s his problem and it might make him realise.

The problem here is that he’s enabling her, but then you are enabling him. It has to stop.

I have a similar situation in that my DP pays to both his exes way over what he should, he pays no set CMS because 50/50 but then funds all uniform, clothes, clubs etc etc. Sometimes this too was leaving him short. So I spoke to him about that he needs to meet his 50% with me. I am not a bank so he can pay over the odds to other people. That’s not fair. I told him I don’t care what you spend on your kids, as long as you meet 50% as you should for what we pay. If you can’t, then I do have an issue with you paying way more than what you need to as you then can’t afford it.

Since then there hasn’t been an issue. I mean he could still be paying over, and not have enough, but that’s his choice, and his consequences.

He needs to know you aren’t bailing him out anymore and he needs to stand up to his ex.

I think I can be pretty harsh on this stuff and I know it’s hard to break up from someone you may have been reliant on, I know my DPs ex was a SAHM for a long time when they were together. But that was her choice at that time, and now her situations changed, she can’t do that so has to work. If that’s held back her career/progression, again that’s the way it is when you make those choices. I’m not saying I don’t feel bad for her, I get it. But personally I have never put myself in that situation even though I could have, for these reasons.

You have to learn to stand on your own 2 feet when you are a single parent and that will mean changes or having less and spending less.

I think in your position I would be taking control of the money. I’d set up savings plans in my own name for things such as wedding, holiday, bills, food etc and then agree with DH hoe much he will transfer at the start of each month for you to pay into each pot. Then what he has left is up to him how he spends it, but this way joint household expenses and savings are made at the start of the month and he can clearly see how little or much he has left to do what he wants with it. However this is short term strategy, he needs to stop enabling her and let her sort her own money issues

Does your DH not even remotely see it as a problem to just keep throwing money her way. I'd be livid.

@Blendiful you aren't harsh.

You have just established your boundaries.

Lots of couples split up because of arguments over money, and you are avoiding this pitiful by stating clearly how financial affairs are dealt with between you.

Its not your DH's job to make up her lost earnings. They aren't together anymore. Why is he letting her have so much power over him.

She sounds like a handful! No way should you be subbing him when you have your own children to support.

Your DP needs to stop enabling her...and make it clear that this wont be happening again.

DP needs to tell her he already lays above what is required and is not now paying anything else. Obviously he may want to for certain thing's but should be laying that direct not via her

,it’s her choice not to get vaccinated, and as an adult she is aware all actions have consequences and her not being able to go to work is the consequence of her actions so she sucks it up

Stop giving your dh money, and insist he gives you money he agreed for your costs before he pays any extra to his ex or the kids

He's enabling her & you're enabling him. As a pp said you helping him out at the end of the month IS joint money.
You need to stop bailing him out & he needs to stop bailing her out.
From what I know of your set up his dc want for nothing & she knows this & is playing on it. She won't stop until it's made clear to her that the ATM is no longer doling out cash.
My exdp's exw was like this & honestly I couldn't bare it. He had no money left to spend on our joint life as she bled him dry monthly using the dc (who were spoiled rotten) as a hook.
I would be so wary of marrying into that dynamic as it will only solidify in her head that YOUR money is there to be used on her and her dc.

It's really simple. You just say no, and then you ignore. I speak for experience. Dps ex was/is like this too.

@Magda72

👏👏👏 Spot on.

The ex is very cheeky and I totally sympathise with hiw you're felling. But people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. So your DPs ex treats him as an ATM and even though he may say one thing, through his actions he's told her that he's fine with that. You can't then be surprised, or even blame her, if she carries on treating him as an ATM. You've been bankrolling his actions so now he expects that that is part of your financial set up. You needed to have been stricter with your financial setup from the beginning before he started to take your money for granted. You didn't so its time to do it now.

@SpongebobNoPantsThis is possibly one of the most outrageous one I've read from you on here. I mean really? If I were him, I'd just put the phone down. I can't imagine having the patience tbh. She's ridiculous!