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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

So fed up of being a mug!!

29 replies

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 21/09/2021 18:00

Sorry but I just need to vex.

I care about SC I really do, I have 3 sc and my own DD. They are great, the youngest SS is 15. We have him EW, He is with us while his mum is away for 21days, we are only 3days in. I'm sick of repeating myself. I'm sick of being his f#@king maid and chef. I have to act all kind about it or it gets reported back to mum that I'm a nag. I ask for the bare minimum which is bring your laundry down and clean up after yourself. Never happens. Working nearly over 42hrs a week at the mo in a hospital and I'm already sick of coming home to his spillages and wet towels all over his room. Let alone absolute zero manners
Don't get me wrong i expect the same good behaviour from DD 15 and if she's lazy or has CBFA attitude which doesn't happen so much now, but she gets told to help and she does.

I'm a victim of of a very nasty stepmother, who mentally abused me and I make sure I go out of my way to make them feel cared for and welcome but I'm just sick of the piss being taken.

Dp is a "let kids be kids" kind of guy. And if I ask him to tell ss to buck up his ideas and help he's like "no I'll just clean up, leave it to me".
Great life skills for them hey.
It's hard enough if your bio kids are like this let alone kids that have only been in your life 5years.

I'm genuinely tempted to book a flight out for the next 14days and let his dad deal with it.....what do you reckon?

OP posts:

Igmum · 21/09/2021 18:13

Book a flight. They are just doing what teenagers do but agree the step-Mum dynamic makes it far worse for you and it doesn't sound like your DP has your back. Pack a case, head to the coast and drink wine while you watch the sun set.

Original poster

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 21/09/2021 18:18

I feel better for writing this down now.
I know it's teens being teens but it's like they are getting worse for each generation..Zero respect for others and the world owes them.a favour.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 21/09/2021 18:22

Leave his shit where he drops it unless it's in a communal area if it is move it to his room

Let his dad deal with it for 21 days

Elieza · 21/09/2021 18:29

His dad needs to deal with this so get him told.

Being easy on kids just makes them a nightmare for their partners in later life. I had a guy like that. Left everything at his arse. Never cleaned the house. Took the bins out once a week and thought that was his share done. He had potential as I loved him but he was dumped as I’m not a skivvy.

Get the dad told that not teaching him to respect the house too is bad. Leaving wet towels around damaged things.

Branleuse · 21/09/2021 18:34

Book the flight x

RandomMess · 21/09/2021 18:35

Well if he doesn't put his clothes in the laundry basket don't wash them.

Don't enter his room. In communal area heap abandoned stuff in a pile or if preferable outside his bedroom door.

Tell him manners matter and if you don't say thank you for your meal you won't cook for him again.

Natural consequences.

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/09/2021 18:36

Throw the wet towels on his unmade bed. In fact, shove all his stuff on his unmade bed and repeat. He'll soon have something to say when he has no clean clothes and his bed stinks.

Akire · 21/09/2021 18:38

Stick to guns nothing washed or moved. If his room is tip so be it. I’d be telling DH if he Dosnt offer maid cleaning and valet to your daughter then he shouldn’t be to his son either. Basics of family life laundry in the basket.

ZenNudist · 21/09/2021 18:42

Is booking a flight an option? Sounds tempting.

Let your dh deal with them. Don't worry about their life skills. Must insist he treats all dc the same.

RandomMess · 21/09/2021 18:44

I think you need at least 3-4 preferably 7 days away in the middle where DP is left to deal with house and everything else.

Tigertealeaves · 21/09/2021 18:44

My teen SS behaves the same way. Top set at school, lots of adult privileges, but apparently can't find the laundry basket, put things back in cupboards, unload the dishwasher, or do anything for others (so he will get out 1 knife and 1 fork for himself at meal time and pour 1 glass of water, and if he is asked to do for others too, he will scoff and protest).

Parenting to blame obviously, my partner has the same attitude as yours and yet always complains how much housework he has to do Can I join you on your flight??

bigbaggyeyes · 21/09/2021 18:55

So what if he tells his Mum you're a nag, her opinion of you is none of your business. If you're a nag for expecting him to have the same manners as your dc whilst he is with you, then so be it.

It just leave his shit all over the place and tell your dh to cook, clean up after him. 'Dh, your ds wants tea'
When your ds wants clean clothes direct him to your dh.

Jobsharenightmare · 21/09/2021 19:06

Who cares if his mum thinks you're a nag? How will that come back on you?

I'm a step mum and I'd just go with the natural consequences approach here too.

Magda72 · 21/09/2021 19:10

As a pp said - get EVERY single dirty item he's used (towels, clothes, mugs, whatever) & put them in black sacks his bedroom. Keep doing this until he has no clothes etc. left.
My sis used to do this with her two & it worked.
All that being said I agree with you that modern teens are (generally) bone lazy & very entitled) & unless his dad is prepared to tackle this he may not improve.

carolinesbaby · 21/09/2021 19:12

My DSD was similar. She was with us 3 days a week to age 15, then full time.
She was rude, lazy and downright horrible to both me and DH but I got the brunt of it as I was home more as DH worked away.
She would unload clean wet washing out of the machine and leave it in a heap next to the cat litter tray to put her own things in, because she refused to add hers to the communal laundry basket to be included in our wash. She would eat everything in the fridge and leave the kitchen a stinking mess for me find after a 12 hour shift. She burned holes in the bedroom carpet ironing on the floor because she wouldn't get the ironing board out. She called me a slut when we told her I was pregnant with DD, in front of DH.

She's 30 now and lovely. It does pass.

Original poster

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 21/09/2021 20:21

I hope it passes.

Yep I'll book the flight if it's the same. In two days. I'll max out the credit card but I won't max out my mental health.

OP posts:

HogDogKetchup · 21/09/2021 20:32

It’s all very well your DP thinking kids should be kids if he’s not dealing with the consequences. Ok kids can be kids but he can wipe their arses then.

Pinkyxx · 21/09/2021 20:33

It really doesn't matter if he tells his Mum you're a nag.. you're asking for a tiny bit of basic courtesy. Hardly unreasonable..

I'd pile it all in his room and have his Dad explain the basic household rules.

Tattler2 · 21/09/2021 23:30

Relax. If his dad is willing to clean up behind him, please ask dad to clean up behind his son before you come home. I would not be checking his room on a regular basis. I would not stress over who does the cleaning. I would only care that it be done.

I would not stress about the life skills that dad is or is not teaching his son. I would make it clear that I am not cleaning up behind his son if that is your position but that I expect the communal areas to be clean. Opening his bedroom door when you know that it is likely to messy is self inflicting aggravation and annoyance on yourself. Let your husband tidy up and forget it.

There are probably things that you do for your daughter that he does not do for his son. He cleans about after his son that is not one of those things that you do for your daughter.

Sometimes, it is in the best interest of your own mental health to ignore things that you have no real ability to change and which in the grand scheme of things are relatively minor.

Husband vs son washing son's clothes, does it really matter as long as you are not expected to do, it? You work in a hospital. Surely you see things that really matter. Try and put the issues with son in perspective to some of the very significant issues that the people with whom you service have to face on a daily basis. This may help you be less stressed by your stepson's somewhat slovenly behavior. It's not worth stroking out or stressing out over a slovenly teenager. Most of them tend to outgrow that behavior or if not they grow up and take it into their own abodes.

Beamur · 22/09/2021 06:56

My DSD was a little bit like this (but without the rudeness) I found the best way to deal with a messy room was a shut door
Clothes had to be put in a bin in her room to be washed. Clothes on the floor stayed there.

timeisnotaline · 22/09/2021 07:02

We will check in in two days on how you’re going op!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/09/2021 07:08

Definitely leave their dad to it, whether that means booking a flight or not! I suspect your husband will get fed up of picking up after him and make him do it himself eventually.

Goingbackto5oh5 · 22/09/2021 07:16

Take that holiday OP, where are you thinking of going away?
Your DP wants to let kids be kids and he'll deal with it so you just put your feet up and let him see the reality of what he's saying.

Dollyparton3 · 22/09/2021 08:25

Been there for the t shirt OP. You need to detach from the stress of all of this in your head and mentally give the load to your DH. I did during lockdown when I suddenly became the default housemaid.

Do as everyone has said. Put the mess back in his room, stop instructing him on what needs to happen and let him work out the consequences. You'll feel a million times better once you've emotionally detached from it all

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2021 08:29

I agree with PPs saying it really doesn't matter if he tells his mum you are a nag. Don't go down the route of modifying behaviour due to that, you know you are being fair.

I would stop chasing up after him, leave his bedroom to him and his dad. And stop putting pressure on yourself to be overly nice, you are not your "evil stepmother" and you will be avoiding giving him necessary life lessons similar to what his dad is doing if you are trying to compensate for your bad experience.

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