Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

Oh op, never do anything for that woman again. You shouldn't have done it this time. The children have two parents and you're not one of them!

I had the same with dss mum. Hates me with a passion but happy to have me run round after her and dss when it suited. You can't argue with stupid honestly.

OP you are a far far bigger person than me. I’d have told her to shove it right from the offset.

And I am a member of the first wives club.

I also do not think DSC are the responsibility of new partners.
DC are always the responsibility of their parents. And if one parent is out of action through illness/injury/some other matter of urgency the parents sort out their childcare issues. They do not get to dictate to and order around the current partners of their ex’s.

OP has done the ex wife a massive favour. If she hadn’t done pick up and now the childcare, the ex wife would have had to lump it and cancel her plans.
She’s an utter idiot not seeing past her bitterness and jealousy to realise she’s just lost a source of support and emergency help for her DC.

no favours for her in future whatsoever!
And there goes the evidence!

It's easy really. It's not about responsibility towards the child, it certainly is not a favour to the ex, it's doing something that your OH should but can't do. It's a favour to HIM.

Blimey-she is so rude! I would never have done it.

Have you got to take them back again on your own tomorrow?

OP has done the ex wife a massive favour
She hasn't at all. She's done a favour to her OH. It was his responsibility to pick up his child. It's him who failed his responsibilities. Of course the favour was to him.

Or do you consider that if the kid step father comes and pick the child up one Sunday evening because the ex can't, would that be him doing a favour to OP's OH?

@vivainsomnia

OP has done the ex wife a massive favour She hasn't at all. She's done a favour to her OH. It was his responsibility to pick up his child. It's him who failed his responsibilities. Of course the favour was to him.

Or do you consider that if the kid step father comes and pick the child up one Sunday evening because the ex can't, would that be him doing a favour to OP's OH?

Of course she has because she is not their parent. Imo, if one parent is incapacitated which here the dad is, then the other parent has to take responsibility. Not someone else who is not the parent.

Of course the latter comment is true, he would be doing him a favour because the responsibility should fall to the other parent. Why wouldn't it?

If these were my children yes I might be put out having to cancel my plans, but that's exactly what I would do, or if I was that bothered I'd ask a family member myself. Not my exs wife.

@vivainsomnia

OP has done the ex wife a massive favour She hasn't at all. She's done a favour to her OH. It was his responsibility to pick up his child. It's him who failed his responsibilities. Of course the favour was to him.

Or do you consider that if the kid step father comes and pick the child up one Sunday evening because the ex can't, would that be him doing a favour to OP's OH?

Failed his responsibility by being injured?

Would you say that if mum was injured? I bet you bloody wouldn't.

Could they not get public transport themselves?

@duckiemonster that is depressing and ultimately not that shocking now I come to think about it. But I'm a ex and I would never expect this or kick off if SM was in the car. All I can say is I'm sorry. Because in my head this is completely batty.

I just don't understand the logic. You would. Put your own issues aside for the sake of the kids right.

Personally it's screams insecurity and jealousy on the ex wife's part. Not the greatest look on a fully grown women.

The OW question is just ridiculous as per. The matter of the fact is, you created a life with another, you have to pull big girl socks up and deal. You don't have to be friendly or besties. Hello, goodbye and that's it.

I say this as someone who was cheated on my ex and if she had ended up as SM, I would have never been besties but I would have been able to say hello goodbye ect

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@duckiemonster that is depressing and ultimately not that shocking now I come to think about it. But I'm a ex and I would never expect this or kick off if SM was in the car. All I can say is I'm sorry. Because in my head this is completely batty.

I just don't understand the logic. You would. Put your own issues aside for the sake of the kids right.

Personally it's screams insecurity and jealousy on the ex wife's part. Not the greatest look on a fully grown women.

The OW question is just ridiculous as per. The matter of the fact is, you created a life with another, you have to pull big girl socks up and deal. You don't have to be friendly or besties. Hello, goodbye and that's it.

I say this as someone who was cheated on my ex and if she had ended up as SM, I would have never been besties but I would have been able to say hello goodbye ect [/quote]
It's not a ridiculous question, just because you would cope with it?! It's very relevant.

MN is generally a one sided story, SM comes on, says what's happening, gives her side of the story, cue lots of people calling the ex wife evil/deranged without having any idea as to whether there is a background there etc. I personally wouldn't hold a grudge towards my exes new lady, I'd blame him totally, but I'd find it pretty tough to put it all to one side. Not everyone would be able to do that.

My ex was an utter dick, he didn't cheat (as far as I'm aware...) but left me with a newborn and huge debt. It has taken me a very long time to get over that, I have worked hard to put it to one side and move on, but it's been very hard, all whilst I watched him set up family again leaving me to pick up the pieces. I'm not a bitter ex, I'm a human being. I imagine some wouldn't be able to move on from that at all, and I wouldn't judge them for that.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Yes I realised my mistake and had acknowledged it.

Another thing I noticed here-people feel they can swear at other people for mild errors.

MN is generally a one sided story

It is literally hilarious that you've read this thread and come to that conclusion. Op has taken a right beating.

And it's okay to be upset or bitter about your ex but a good parent puts that to one side and prioritises what is best for their children.

Well clearly, that's right, lots of people would be angry and hostile towards the OW, even in front of their DC and even (maybe) after they'd asked OW to their own home to collect their kids to take them on a long car journey on her own wih a toddler. But it doesn't make it any more right than if she wasn't the OW. Either way the ex in this case is being an utter dick. I'm sure she is hurting about something, but that doesn't excuse acting like a dick, regardless. But yes, it might explain it. But op isn't the ow. She's already said, so it's a moot point. If you want to start another thread about it you could do that maybe.

@sofakingcool I mean of course it is because that's like most things people share. One sided. However the OP has taken such a beating and it's not right.

My contract as it were was with my ex. Not with any other person. The blame lies where the blame lies but not on some poor unsuspecting person who didn't do me wrong. Even in the case of the OW (which this OP is not) unless she held a gun to his head, and forced him to do all the bad stuff then sorry she's not the one who people should be angry at. I would flame the man, he wasn't stolen away was he.

Why do we give men the get out clause to do this ? Esp if he's likely to do this to her. Pity her yes, but treat her like a taxi no.

If you have to speak to your ex and he did you wrong, I understand giving him the cold shoulder, but someone who literally owes me 0, no that's misplacing anger.

It's hard watching your ex play happy families but you know making the SM life hell for my own issues doesn't seem very grown up to me.

I'm sorry about your ex he sounds like a 🛎 end and I would personally hang him out to dry.

We can all aim for civil. This situation wasn't civil and there's no excuse for it. If the ex wife can be civil to ex HB for the kids, then she can be civil to the women who didn't do her any harm.

Just because your hurt doesn't mean you get to hurt others (especially people who didn't cause the hurt)

She hasn't at all. She's done a favour to her OH. It was his responsibility to pick up his child. It's him who failed his responsibilities. Of course the favour was to him.

Of course she’s done her a favour!
The mum is just as responsible for her children. So when her children’s father can’t collect them for a medical reason it then becomes her job to step up as a co parent. If she wasn’t petty as fuck then she would realise this.
The op did the mum a huge favour for this reason. She took the responsibility away from the mum and enable the mum to go ahead with her plans.

Or do you consider that if the kid step father comes and pick the child up one Sunday evening because the ex can't, would that be him doing a favour to OP's OH?

Yes! Because it’s saving the op’s DH a job if the ex can’t! Of course it would be doing him a favour.

It's easy really. It's not about responsibility towards the child, it certainly is not a favour to the ex, it's doing something that your OH should but can't do. It's a favour to HIM.

Favour to BOTH. Corrected it for you.

I’m an ex, a mum, an rp and I think you’re so wrong. The only people responsible for my children are me and my ex. Everyone else chipping in is an option for them. My parents play a huge part in my children’s lives, but none of it is expected.
My ex was supposed to be taking them swimming this morning and failed to do so. Frustrating for me but as their mum I had two choices: take them myself or sit and stew about it and say it’s not my responsibility. If he had a partner I assume you think it would be her responsibility rather than mine??

I think of it this way.

If OP had had plans herself, who would have been expected to drop the kids off?

Would OP have been more responsible for cancelling her plans to pick them up or would the Mum then have been the most reasonable person to expect?

Imo, it would be far more ridiculous for OP to have had to cancel plans than the children's mother because she is equally as responsible as the children's father and far more so than OP.

If the mum had a broken leg and came on here posting that her ex/ kids dad wouldn't come and pick the children up, I imagine the answers would have been quite different...I can't quite see loads of people insisting that it's her new partners job to take them, particularly if the ex had been rude to him in the past. Everyone would be beasting the dad for not stepping up for his kids, regardless of whether he had plans or not.

@Avocadodo

She moved. They both lived even further away together then she moved to the other side of the country. DH is actually nearer now than he would be if he'd stayed where he was but can't afford to live any nearer.

This is the most relevant part. The ex moved 1.5 hours away but never travels? That’s so wrong.

YANBU OP. I don’t get the hard time you’re having on this thread.

If the mum had a broken leg and came on here posting that her ex/ kids dad wouldn't come and pick the children up, I imagine the answers would have been quite different...I can't quite see loads of people insisting that it's her new partners job to take them, particularly if the ex had been rude to him in the past. Everyone would be beasting the dad for not stepping up for his kids, regardless of whether he had plans or not.

Agree 100% with this.

So basically, some people expect more of stepmums than the children’s own mum.

@funinthesun19

If the mum had a broken leg and came on here posting that her ex/ kids dad wouldn't come and pick the children up, I imagine the answers would have been quite different...I can't quite see loads of people insisting that it's her new partners job to take them, particularly if the ex had been rude to him in the past. Everyone would be beasting the dad for not stepping up for his kids, regardless of whether he had plans or not.

Agree 100% with this.

So basically, some people expect more of stepmums than the children’s own mum.

No, it would be more like if the mum broke her leg and said she couldn’t drive to pick them up so they will have to stay there until the pot comes off.

So basically, some people expect more of stepmums than the children’s own mum.

You’ve got to be kidding

Sorry your husband's ex is such a dick OP.

If your husband is still unable to drive for the next contact, there would be zero chance I'd be offering to help out.

The same would apply if she says she can't pick them up after this weekend and wants you to drop them off.

It was definitely doing her a favour as it stopped her from having to cancel her plans.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

MN is generally a one sided story

It is literally hilarious that you've read this thread and come to that conclusion. Op has taken a right beating.

And it's okay to be upset or bitter about your ex but a good parent puts that to one side and prioritises what is best for their children.

I wasn't talking about this post - I was saying about, why IMO, the question "were you the OW" is relevant when trying to work out why a ex wife is being a shit. OP has taken a beating, and no where on here has that been from me.

The one sided point was that MN is one sided. People post on here with their opinion, their feelings etc and usually not the other peoples in the equation - fair enough.

Absolutely people (parents) should put their differences to one side for the sake of the children, but doesn't stop them feeling like shit.

@YouDoYouBoo

Well clearly, that's right, lots of people would be angry and hostile towards the OW, even in front of their DC and even (maybe) after they'd asked OW to their own home to collect their kids to take them on a long car journey on her own wih a toddler. But it doesn't make it any more right than if she wasn't the OW. Either way the ex in this case is being an utter dick. I'm sure she is hurting about something, but that doesn't excuse acting like a dick, regardless. But yes, it might explain it. But op isn't the ow. She's already said, so it's a moot point. If you want to start another thread about it you could do that maybe.

I don't want to start another thread, and it is a moot point, I was responding to someone asking up thread if the OP was the OW and the usual sarky responses happened

You’ve got to be kidding

Not really. They expected the op to go and pick the children up rather than their own mum.
Certainly when it comes to stuff like this, the mum isn’t expected to run around but the stepmum is.