Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

So if dad's wife can't even help him out as a 1 off then that to me suggests she doesn't care.

Or dad could book a taxi, rather than his wife doing a crazy 3 hour route to avoid motorways with a toddler in the back of the car. Toddler should not be stuck unnecessarily in a car for 3 hours.

So if dad's wife can't even help him out as a 1 off then that to me suggests she doesn't care.

It's not just one thing, she will be doing loads for him at present. And what does it matter if she cares deeply about this specific contact weekend going ahead? I certainly don't feel that deeply...

Maybe dad’s wife does care but she has boundaries and limits to how much she will do. I think that’s healthy and normal.

It does feel like whenever a stepmum says no to something, people can’t wait to tell her how much she doesn’t care about them. Talk about spitting your dummy out.

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou but he comes as a package what would you do if their dm ended up dying and they had to come and live with their df?

Well, what if OP’s DH had died or become permanently, rather than temporarily, physically incapacitated and not capable of transporting and looking after the children?! Would they have to live with their mother full time (which might impact on her weekend plans) or would you still expect OP to keep his contact arrangements herself because she married a man with kids and they came as a package?

would you still expect OP to keep his contact arrangements herself because she married a man with kids and they came as a package?
There was a thread about this last year and the newly widowed SM was torn apart by some for not wanting to continue the same contact schedule as she had a full time job and kids of her own that she was now 100% responsible for and it was all too much. But it wasn't fair on the ex that he went and died
They walk among us....

@Youseethethingis

I mean I'm actually floored. I'm not shocked but floored that people would say that to a grieving widow. It sounds like that women wasn't actually offered a choice ! Which is just grim

In terms of the question re SC if partner dies, from my perspective I probably would keep contact but that arrangement would have to change as I too work full time. However I realise I'm in a rather privileged position with DH ex and would worry about the impact his death would cause SD who isn't typical so to speak which makes my perspective unique only to my family . This wouldn't be the case for all and not something I would expect anyone else to do situation reversed. Having said that it's not something my DH or ex would expect or demand so I feel that the element of choice would be mine.

I wouldn't be backed into a corner on some type of moral debate about making up for a "act of god situation" and have my hand forced just because.

Not would I. Luckily I am confident that in the event of DHs death, his exs main worry would be that her child had lost her father, not that she had now lost her weekends off. It blows my mind that others claim the moral high ground as they go the opposite way.

I remember seeing that thread too. There are some really selfish and obscene people around.
I hope that op in that thread is doing ok and she did what was best for her going forward. She owed her DH’s ex nothing, especially when her own life had been turned upside down.

Personally I wouldn't just because she demanded I do. I would be willing to compromise I.e meet half way etc. They aren't your children so you are under no obligation to assist with contact.
I would be more worried about the fact that you'll end up looking after them all weekend if your husband cannot do much. If he cannot move then he simply cannot look after them, therefore they should stay with the mother.
"A free weekend" doesn't stop her being mum, it's not a part time job. Simply if the father cannot do it this time then so be it, they should stay with mum.
I'm a ex wife and a step mum so I see it from both points of view.
If my son's dad couldn't look after him or collect then I would keep my son and if I had plans perhaps try make alternative arrangements with my family to help.
If it was my step children, I wouldn't be driving 3 hours to collect them and then end up looking after them for that weekend.

@Youseethethingis

would you still expect OP to keep his contact arrangements herself because she married a man with kids and they came as a package? There was a thread about this last year and the newly widowed SM was torn apart by some for not wanting to continue the same contact schedule as she had a full time job and kids of her own that she was now 100% responsible for and it was all too much. But it wasn't fair on the ex that he went and died They walk among us....

Bloody hell!!

There are some absolutely horrible, nasty replies on this thread. As always.

The OP who has a young child of her own to look after and who is also a nervous driver has been coerced into doing a long trip to pick up DSC from a woman who deems her not worthy of speaking to or even meeting or acknowledging, but good enough to ferry her children around. She will then look after her own DS and the two other children and an incapacitated partner all weekend. And she's STILL getting berated. It's like some of you think that step mums (never step dads due to their magical penises) exist wholly to service other people, pay for stuff, and otherwise be silent and insignificant. It's like the twilight zone. It's like some sort of step mum handmaids tale, except the step mums aren't allowed to bear children and if they do the children are treated as irrelevant too.

I think you/your dh are right to sort it. It's really not the mums problem, it's his contact.

Sorry you're having to do this OP.

I hope she kicks of about the McDonalds and never asks you again! In fact I'd talk about it just before she arrive to collect them in the hope that they'd mention it 😁

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think you/your dh are right to sort it. It's really not the mums problem, it's his contact.

It's certainly more the mum's problem than OP's, who is not her husband's working legs.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think you/your dh are right to sort it. It's really not the mums problem, it's his contact.

I'm pretty sure the kids are more her problem than mine. And DH has tried to sort it.. ffs this place is weird.

I'm back with an update and thanks for those who gave me support.

She didn't help them with their bags.
So I got out the car and rang the bell she probably thought they'd forgotten something as she looked surprised to see me there. I said I just wanted to say hello as I was essentially looking after her kids for the weekend due to DH injury and I know she would probably feel better about this if she'd met me. She just sort of looked at me and said OK. So I felt I'd given her a chance there so I got a bit annoyed but held it in and in a jolly voice said ok we're off now then, we're grabbing a mcdonalds on the way home and headed off.

Got back and she'd messaged DH to say I was to never leave the car at her house (wtf is this a thing?!) and how dare I feed them junk food they need proper food.

So that's the last time I'm ever doing pickup. And I've told DH to not bother telling me what her messages say if they are about me as I don't care about her feelings anymore.

Siiigh

Honestly what a pathetic woman.

And if I were your DH it would now be tradition to get McDonald's every time he picks them up.

I would save McDonald's for 'special' demanded favours like this one! Just to teach ex that she would be better off dropping DSC herself

This goes to show just how mature she is. She should of been grateful you'd traveled that way to help HER. At the end of the day if the father cannot look after the children then the mother should. People are not a part time parents and your responsibility does not stop just because it's "your free time". Ultimately the only two people responsible for children is the mother and father. You should not be looking after their children for them, regardless of whether your helping your DH. It irritates me when people assume you want a parenting role of step children. You chose the husband, not children. You accept children and are nice and befriend them but do not need to "parent" them. They ready have a mother and a father.

Got back and she'd messaged DH to say I was to never leave the car at her house (wtf is this a thing?!)

I can confirm this is definitely not a thing. She's trying to treat you like a taxi driver !

Never ever do drop off again. She can swivel

@Lena007

I would save McDonald's for 'special' demanded favours like this one! Just to teach ex that she would be better off dropping DSC herself

No need because there will be no more special demanded favours, I hope anyway OP.

What an absolute wanker she is. Double McDonald's every weekend going forward!

Did she not even say thanks?!

@sycamoresue

There are some absolutely horrible, nasty replies on this thread. As always.

The OP who has a young child of her own to look after and who is also a nervous driver has been coerced into doing a long trip to pick up DSC from a woman who deems her not worthy of speaking to or even meeting or acknowledging, but good enough to ferry her children around. She will then look after her own DS and the two other children and an incapacitated partner all weekend. And she's STILL getting berated. It's like some of you think that step mums (never step dads due to their magical penises) exist wholly to service other people, pay for stuff, and otherwise be silent and insignificant. It's like the twilight zone. It's like some sort of step mum handmaids tale, except the step mums aren't allowed to bear children and if they do the children are treated as irrelevant too.

Yes to all of this. You can always tell who are the first wives/partners on these types of threads.

Well I hope all those saying how terrible the OP is have read her update about how blood rude and unpleasant the mother (i use that term loosely) was and feel a little repentance for their awful attitudes