Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

@PeeAche thank you. Yes it sucks. I'm doing it. It's just nice to hear it acknowledged that it sucks and she she has no right demanding things off me

@Youseethethingis

Now if you cared you wouldn't want the kids to miss out on time with their dad Careful there, the logic follows that that mother doesn't care as she refused to do the drive because it messed with her plans. The difference is the OP backed down and the mother held firm. So who care more about the kids based on your previous statement?

Thank you. This place is so confusing sometimes. Why am I meant to care about their contact time with their dad more than their own mum? After all contact time is meant to be in the kid's best interest.

Right so she moved... ok in that case I'd be asking her to drive half way regardless. The parent that moves is the one who should do the majority of the driving IMO. However if it's just one weekend a fortnight, ?, it's not too much to ask. I'm sorry but I don't have much empathy with your DH though and his inability to not be able to do much this weekend. I'm a single mum to three with a disability and a few weeks back had a severely infected foot/leg, could barely walk without crying. Still managed to look after the kids two older but one younger, do the housework, cook, work, drive etc as there was no one else to do it! Plonk an ironing boarding on a low level in front of a chair and get him to sit ironing if he can't do anything else 🤷‍♀️

@gogohm

Step up, sorry but it's the old cliche, you married someone with kids! Sometimes we need to go the extra mile. I've picked up dp's dd many times

Typed a really long post in response to this but I don't think it posted. Possibly because I swore. Or maybe as I waffled on about making a cottage pie who knows.

aSofaNearYou but he comes as a package what would you do if their dm ended up dying and they had to come and live with their df?

I'm sorry but I don't have much empathy with your DH though and his inability to not be able to do much this weekend I do as I've seen how much pain he is in. He cannot drive. He might manage low level ironing though good shout thanks.

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou but he comes as a package what would you do if their dm ended up dying and they had to come and live with their df?

Wow, nobody's ever asked me that before! 😱

Seriously though, I'd cross that bridge when it came to it, because it isn't likely.

I might be being dim here, but what precisely is the issue with both of them being put in a taxi which your DH pays for?

Then ex doesn't need to drop off, you don't have to do a ridiculously long round trip to collect and everyone is happy.

Yes, it will be quite expensive but presumably the trip is a lot shorter than 90 minutes if you're not avoiding motorways and the petrol for a 3 hour round trip would cost you a bit anyway.

And yes there is potentially a very small safeguarding risk but there are two of them, they'll have a named driver and that needs to be weighed against the safety risk of them being driven by a less than confident driver on unfamiliar roads.

And yes there is potentially a very small safeguarding risk

taxi drivers with a licence are dbs checked. Should be fine.

@Bananarama21 there was a whole thread not long ago on what step parents would do if the kids came to live full time, fro memory the majority would vote with their feet. Go have a read I've a feeling it will really wind you up, all those people daring to take their own happiness and wants and needs into consideration

taxi drivers with a licence are dbs checked. Should be fine.

Sounds fine, then. And by the time you've knocked off the £20 or so you'd be spending at McD's on the four of you, that's quite a large chunk of a taxi paid for.

You both are responsible for your children, if one can't do something (for a genuine reason) then the responsibility falls to you as that child's other parent. It doesn't matter who's "time" it is.This whole mindset of "nothing to do with me on exes time" is absolutely ridiculous imo

Well in my case, I have managed every emergency for the last 12 years - my own health issues and those of my children, those of my mum for whom I had caring responsibilities and anything at all that came up. I have also worked full time whilst my ex fannies around with self employment to avoid paying any maintenance at all. So no, we are not both responsible and responsibility never falls to him. It's all on me. And somehow, I have coped. But apparently NRP can't cope when in pain or sick because it hurts a bit too much and they need their rest.

Both parents should be able to rely on the other to do their agreed share of parenting. Parenting is split and both parents make arrangements around that - whether that be work, appointments, shopping, a social life. They also make arrangments for childcare where necessary to be able to work, go to appointments, do the shopping and have a social life. There is no insurance (that I am aware of anyway) that you can take out to insure you against your ex breaking his leg and not being able to have his children for 8 weeks because he can't drive and you therefore having to cancel, say, a trip you had booked 6 months ago to see your favourite musical, dinner out and a night in a hotel and train travel. So really, in all but those exceptional circumstances (and we don't know if this counts as I don't think the OP has said what is wrong) you should be able to rely on the other parent to do their bit. You need contingency plans - lord knows I have had to have them. Why shouldn't my ex? Why shouldn't the OP's partner? Why has HE not sorted this out. Why is he just sitting around waiting for the women to sort it for him?

@Avocadodo

I'm sorry but I don't have much empathy with your DH though and his inability to not be able to do much this weekend I do as I've seen how much pain he is in. He cannot drive. He might manage low level ironing though good shout thanks.

Get him peeling potatoes and veg if you're having a Sunday roast too, lots you can do sitting down!

But apparently NRP can't cope when in pain or sick because it hurts a bit too much and they need their rest
Given that you do not have access to this man's medical notes, this comment reeks of bitterness.

Bloody hell, pick the kids up! “Not my kids not my problem” is a horrible way to talk.

@Goldbar

taxi drivers with a licence are dbs checked. Should be fine.

Sounds fine, then. And by the time you've knocked off the £20 or so you'd be spending at McD's on the four of you, that's quite a large chunk of a taxi paid for.

Thanks good thinking. DH said to put McDs on his credit card though so we're doing that.

@cavatron

Bloody hell, pick the kids up! “Not my kids not my problem” is a horrible way to talk.

I AM!!!!!

But apparently NRP can't cope when in pain or sick because it hurts a bit too much and they need their rest.

He can't drive. Even if he could get into the car the there is the small matter of the painkillers making it bloody dangerous for him to get behind the wheel.

I'm going to bow out this conversation now as it's making me more stressed. Thank you for everyone who has appreciated this is just a bit of a rant and not had a right go at me.

[quote Sweettea1]@purfectpaul I don't demand anything from my ex of his wife however if my ex is working or can't drive for whatever reason his wife will step in and collect ds. She has messaged me plenty of times to arrange her work holidays around the time my ds is off school. Like I say she actually likes her stepchild unlike so many people on here.[/quote]
The point is, it doesn't sound like you're horrid to her. Can you really not see why a SM with an ex who treats her like shit may not be as willing and your kids perfect step mother?

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou but he comes as a package what would you do if their dm ended up dying and they had to come and live with their df?

This is pointless, and comes up repeatedly.

If my DSCs Mum died I accept there is more I'd likely have to do.

But she isn't dead. So what is the point of this comparison?

My husband could lose his job or die tomorrow leaving me to look after our DC alone. So shall I just tell him he doesn't have to bother doing anything for the kids now? I'd have to do it all if he died so why not? It's a ridiculous whataboutery stick to beat SMs with

So no, we are not both responsible and responsibility never falls to him. It's all on me. And somehow, I have coped

With all due respect, so what? I am sorry your ex is a pathetic parent but it doesn't make it right. So because your ex is rubbish and doesn't help you out no one else should ever ask their childs other parent for anything?

Plenty of parents who should pay, refuse to pay maintenance and the RP ends up having to do it all alone. It doesn't mean anyone questions whether it's right to pay maintenance or not and tells other people they shouldn't be claiming it.

It is right imo, that if one parent is unable/ is struggling to do something (for a genuine reason) then it should be the other parent of the child that steps up. The fact your ex doesn't, whilst shit, is irrelevant to that belief and doesn't change the fact I think it's the right thing to do and the right way to co parent.

You seem like an absolute joy. Lucky kids.

@cavatron

You seem like an absolute joy. Lucky kids.

Lucky yours, both your comments have been awful.

Lucky yours, both your comments have been awful.

Agreed.

Mum is collecting them to take them home as it had been arranged so dad should arrange the transport to take them as he should of been collecting them. So if dad's wife can't even help him out as a 1 off then that to me suggests she doesn't care.