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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I just go and get them?

425 replies

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 16:32

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

OP posts:

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PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 15:25

I'm aware of what the OP is @Evesgarden I was responding the general idea that it's never okay to ask the other parent of your child to help with them on your time.

Discussions do branch into other things not just strictly the OP sometimes.

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 15:31

why be a step parent at all?

People become a "stepparent" (hate that title) because they want to be with the parent. People aren't desperate to become a step parent, it's just accepted as a requirement of being with the person you want to be with.

I think people's expectations vary hugely as to what that role has to mean. To me it means not getting involved in much of the parenting side of things because their parents (and the children) don't need nor want it. Sure I'd help out in an emergency but the first port of call would be the other parent, not me. Same with DHs ex. The first port of call for her if she needed help with the kids would be him, not her partner. That's the way they co parent, it's not wrong just because some people would sooner ask their wife/husband instead of their child's other parent.

Youseethethingis · 09/09/2021 15:34

@Evesgarden
I have yes, thank you.

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 15:46

I'm doing all the cooking and washing etc. DH can sit with them and watch netflix/snooze/just about get to the loo.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 15:49

And I "accept" them. I enjoy having them here. This was simply a grumble about why is it down to me to pick them up?

OP posts:

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 15:53

- refuses to say hello or acknowledge you - yes
-is demanding a big favour - i think the argument is its a favour for my DH.
-is making you take a toddler on a three hour trip- I guess that's my fault really for having a toddler!
probably won't even let you into the house for a wee (forcing you to use a lay-by as you said above) - it's ok i'm going to go to mcdonalds and I wouldn't want her in my house so I get that bit.
doesn't seem to care that she's putting two arguing children into a car with a nervous driver only on the motorway I'm going the long way.
will get cross if you get a McDonald's drive thru to make the drive easier I'm going to go in and let them go nuts and choose whatever they like.
seems to think all of this is expected of you because you're married to her ex yes I am to do it for the sake of the family..

OP posts:

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 16:17

OP did your DH get a response from the ex about helping with the bags ect ? just asked him he said he got a 👍

OP posts:

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 16:29

I guess that's my fault really for having a toddler!

No it's not.

Your toddler is a human being in his/her own right and matters just as much as the DSC. It's a big ask to take them on a 3 hour trip. She (and your husband) is lucky you've agreed to do that with your child.

SecondRow · 09/09/2021 17:31

Exactly – it raises an eyebrow that he can't Netflix and snooze with the toddler. They have Peppa pig on there . For the sake of the family, as the OP says... We all have to do things with kids when we're not feeling 100%.

OnceUponAThread · 09/09/2021 17:56

@Avocadodo

- refuses to say hello or acknowledge you - yes -is demanding a big favour - i think the argument is its a favour for my DH. -is making you take a toddler on a three hour trip- I guess that's my fault really for having a toddler! probably won't even let you into the house for a wee (forcing you to use a lay-by as you said above) - it's ok i'm going to go to mcdonalds and I wouldn't want her in my house so I get that bit. doesn't seem to care that she's putting two arguing children into a car with a nervous driver only on the motorway I'm going the long way. will get cross if you get a McDonald's drive thru to make the drive easier I'm going to go in and let them go nuts and choose whatever they like. seems to think all of this is expected of you because you're married to her ex yes I am to do it for the sake of the family..

Saint I tell you, positively saintly.

And I still firmly maintain (for all those reasons I said) that this is definitely a favour for her, because there were alternatives that might have suited you / your DH better but get in the way of her plans. So this whole drive is to suit her.

So please ignore all the rapid posts saying you're a horrible stepmum and you must hate the kids and hate your partner and all that nonsense. People are mental on this board I tell you.

funinthesun19 · 09/09/2021 18:02

eh? It was a bloody lift? You never give any one a lift?

It’s a 3 hour lift. Not a lift to the supermarket. And no I wouldn’t run anyone down the motorway if I wasn’t confident.

PeeAche · 09/09/2021 18:11

Hey OP, I’m late to the party on this one. My DSC live miles and miles away too and we have them EOW and most of holidays. I have done The Drive (as it is called in our house) a few times over the years, even though I hate it. Once because DH’s car broke down and he wasn’t insured on mine and twice because he had a broken ankle. It sucks but I just do it when required because it breaks his heart to miss any time with the kids and I love them to infinity and beyond!

But it does really suck. And we ALWAYS get a Maccies!!! Ha ha

Sweettea1 · 09/09/2021 18:27

@purfectpaul I don't demand anything from my ex of his wife however if my ex is working or can't drive for whatever reason his wife will step in and collect ds. She has messaged me plenty of times to arrange her work holidays around the time my ds is off school. Like I say she actually likes her stepchild unlike so many people on here.

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2021 18:32

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou why be a step parent at all? Honest question but surely if your getting into a relationship with your partner than also extends to developing a relationship with existing children, they are an extension of their df at the end of the day, it bodes the question why get together with someone who has kids if your not willing to accept them? It comes across sometimes more step mothers online have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to being part of the family unit. I get the laundry and tea aspect but surely that's down to your partner not the step children? Alot of step fathers tend to play a more active role in their step children's lives as they often or not live with them, they just tend to get on with attitude. DH wouldn't think twice about helping DS he's one of the kids same as his own.

Sorry I've just seen this.

Why be a step parent at all? I didn't aim for the position, I just fell in love with someone that happened to be a dad. I also don't view children as an extension of their parents. They are seperate people.

I do accept them and I have developed a relationship with them, I just don't accept the level of responsibility for them people on here want me to. And I wouldn't consider getting together with someone that had their kids there a majority of the time, as the step dad's who "get on with things" do. It's much easier for me to live a fulfilling life where I'm not just getting on with things with somebody with an EoW arrangement, or I wouldn't have considered it.

Sweettea1 · 09/09/2021 18:33

@Avocadodo

Thank god my ds has a fantastic stepmum and wasn't landed with some stepmum of here.

You know nothing about what kind of a stepmum I am other than I've said I don't really do the parenting usually. Just because I let their parents parent doesn't make me a bad stepmum.

You are being spiteful towards the mother fair enough but it's the children missing out. Mum insisted after you said no in the first place! Now if you cared you wouldn't want the kids to miss out on time with their dad.

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2021 18:34

[quote Sweettea1]@purfectpaul I don't demand anything from my ex of his wife however if my ex is working or can't drive for whatever reason his wife will step in and collect ds. She has messaged me plenty of times to arrange her work holidays around the time my ds is off school. Like I say she actually likes her stepchild unlike so many people on here.[/quote]
Maybe you have a particularly likeable kid?

Youseethethingis · 09/09/2021 18:44

Now if you cared you wouldn't want the kids to miss out on time with their dad
Careful there, the logic follows that that mother doesn't care as she refused to do the drive because it messed with her plans.
The difference is the OP backed down and the mother held firm. So who care more about the kids based on your previous statement?

gogohm · 09/09/2021 18:44

Step up, sorry but it's the old cliche, you married someone with kids! Sometimes we need to go the extra mile. I've picked up dp's dd many times

Tinpotspectator · 09/09/2021 18:45

Nobody can "insist " that you collect their children, whoever they are.

Youseethethingis · 09/09/2021 18:46

I pick up DHs DD every time, but I utterly reject this idea that I don't have the right to refuse to do it if it doesn't suit me. The buck doesn't stop with me, but with her parents.

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2021 18:47

@gogohm

Step up, sorry but it's the old cliche, you married someone with kids! Sometimes we need to go the extra mile. I've picked up dp's dd many times

Well you don't "need" to. You choose to. Others choose not to.

Tinpotspectator · 09/09/2021 18:48

Also, all this "step up" talk is drivel. If he were single, he still wouldn't be able to do it. You do not owe your time to anyone other than any dependent children of your own, plus your employer.

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 18:48

@SecondRow

Exactly – it raises an eyebrow that he can't Netflix and snooze with the toddler. They have Peppa pig on there

. For the sake of the family, as the OP says... We all have to do things with kids when we're not feeling 100%.

I'm not leaving the toddler with him. At some point they will need feeding/do a poo/want playing with and he will struggle to do it. I will also resent having to leave my child at home to go and pick up someone else's so I'm bringing LO with me and we will all have mcdonalds and have a lovely time.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2021 18:50

Mum insisted after you said no in the first place

Lots of people insist after the other person says no, it doesn't make insisting in any way more reasonable, usually the contrary.

Original poster

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 18:53

Now if you cared you wouldn't want the kids to miss out on time with their dad. they are having time with their dad. But the alternative would be time with their mum. So I don't think they will mind either way. It's not a trip to Disneyland. It's coming here where dad will be trying his best to put a brave face on and watch netflix with them and they will have to eat my latest attempt at cottage pie.

OP posts:

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