Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

Wow. Well, no good deed and all that...

What a grade A bitch she is. Imagine getting a perverse pleasure out of being as unpleasant and disrespectful as possible to another human. I would want to send her one very shitty text message and then block but you're right to ignore and never help her again.

@HollowTalk

She certainly has a lot of hostility towards you. Were you the OW?

Fucks sake

@HollowTalk

She certainly has a lot of hostility towards you. Were you the OW?

Ohh there is is. Did we get 15 pages without someone asking, how did that happen?!

I'm pretty sure op said they met after they divorced.

She sounds horrible op. Well done for doing that favour for her and your DH. Don't do it again. Leave her and her batshit messages to your DH from now on. He has let you down a bit here too I think, by making you go, but maybe he didn't realise how nasty she'd be. And I know he has a broken leg which clearly isn't on purpose, but still. This shouldn't have been left to you at all and clearly their mother will do nothing to help. So you DH needs to find someone who she will be civil to and about to help from now on. That isn't you.

And even if she was the ow and the exw can't bear to look at her, then don't ask her to be your kids' taxi service involving a pick up from your house? Christ.

@HollowTalk

She certainly has a lot of hostility towards you. Were you the OW?

no (ffs)

@candlelightsatdawn I beg to differ...DHs ex told him I was never to be seen at pick ups and drop offs (she tried originally to say I wasn't allowed to be in the car!)...so he used to have to park at the bottom of the street if I was in the car and walk up to the house with the kids so she didn't have to see me. One day he'd left me in the car as per the diktat and walked up to the house, not knowing that she wasn't in. 2 minutes later she comes round the corner, must have been coming back from somewhere. Had to walk past me in the car as she came into the street and was absolutely furious about it, her face went beetroot red as she walked past me, and then gave him a mouthful of abuse because of it. And no I wasn't the OW before anyone asks. Some people are just really fucking weird and bitter.

OP you've tried to do the right thing and I applaud you for it, you didn't have to. But as they say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. That would be the absolute last time I got involved in anything to do with the logistics of transporting the children about. She can shove it up her bitter twisted arse the weirdo.

It's all good. I can handle her. Maybe she's got stuff going on in her life. Whatever. I don't care about her feelings anymore so I'm just going to treat her like one of those angry customers I get at work and she can talk to the complaints department (DH) and I don't need to know.

It's just so counterproductive of her though, some people would let mum's attitude affect their feelings towards the DSC. I try hard not to, if anything it usually makes me feel sorry for them. I mean it must be so confusing for them to have their mum pretty much ignore me when I'm very much in their lives.

[quote duckiemonster]@candlelightsatdawn I beg to differ...DHs ex told him I was never to be seen at pick ups and drop offs (she tried originally to say I wasn't allowed to be in the car!)...so he used to have to park at the bottom of the street if I was in the car and walk up to the house with the kids so she didn't have to see me. One day he'd left me in the car as per the diktat and walked up to the house, not knowing that she wasn't in. 2 minutes later she comes round the corner, must have been coming back from somewhere. Had to walk past me in the car as she came into the street and was absolutely furious about it, her face went beetroot red as she walked past me, and then gave him a mouthful of abuse because of it. And no I wasn't the OW before anyone asks. Some people are just really fucking weird and bitter.

OP you've tried to do the right thing and I applaud you for it, you didn't have to. But as they say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. That would be the absolute last time I got involved in anything to do with the logistics of transporting the children about. She can shove it up her bitter twisted arse the weirdo.[/quote]
Your husband was absolutely ridiculous to even pander to this nonsense in the first place by parking round the corner.

@duckiemonster omg that is awful! I can kind of understand walking up to her door might have been a bit much of me if she's got issues but I thought it was ridiculous for me not to have said hello and introduce myself. Maybe she was unhappy with me picking them up but she still let them get in the car with me so clearly not that upset.

People like her actually think they are in the right with their behaviour.
Demanding you pick them up and then doesn’t say hello.
Then she actually goes on to think there will be a next time that you go out of your way for her.

She clearly sees herself as some sort of victim. She’s far from it.

Don’t do her any more favours. And yes before anyone says anything, you did do HER a favour. She is an equal parent to your DH and if he was unavailable to pick them up for a medical reason then it’s down to her as their other parent. You went out of your way for her so that she could go ahead with her plans and there wasn’t so much as a thank you.

She’s really cutting off her nose to spite her face isn’t she? In fact I think she’s already gone and done it.

She insisted you do pick up and was then annoyed you got out of the car? What a test?!

OP I just found this thread and was surprised at some of the comments you received (even taking into account MN is not v SM friendly) but you did a nice thing in not very nice circumstances so at least you know you are a decent human being.

My DH's ex can be a bit like this. Has sent me nasty text messages, swearing and calling me names, and I have had a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing I have never done that. I either send a polite response answering her or simply delete.

Yes. DH picked up the slack with our home and child last year while I was failing in my responsibilities by nearly dying
Exactly my point. When your OH can't do something, it's normal in a loving responsibility to go and do it for them.

Would the response be the same if it 2as apparent rather than a child?

If it was your mum who needed to be taken to an appointment which you normally did but couldn't, wouldn't you expect your OH to help? I certainly would and did a number of times. I did it to help my OH because I love him and we are in a relationship where we help eachother.

I think as always, this just about the ex because even though it's about helping the nrp, it's somehow still deemed as helping the ex.

Some people are just very strange Op. Well done for not letting it affect your relationship with the DSCs but I agree with you - no favours for her in future whatsoever!

Yes. DH picked up the slack with our home and child last year while I was failing in my responsibilities by nearly dying

Exactly my point. When your OH can't do something, it's normal in a loving responsibility to go and do it for them.

No, he is 50% responsible for my home and child as they are his home and child too. He looked after our son because he's a parent and the other parent was not able to discharge their normal duties. He wasn't doing me a favour.
I am 0% responsible for DSD. Her mother is first port of call, as the other parent, if and when DH is unable to do his bit. If and when both are unable, anything I do to look after a child I'm 0% responsible for is a favour.
And not one I'd be doing if I was being treated like the shit on the shoe of the person I was helping, as OP was.

If it was your mum who needed to be taken to an appointment which you normally did but couldn't, wouldn't you expect your OH to help? I certainly would and did a number of times. I did it to help my OH because I love him and we are in a relationship where we help eachother.

A mum is different to a child though.

A mum is on her own in the world really, whereas a child has two parents to look out for them legally and morally.

Also have you read the OP’s update? Whether I loved a husband or not, I wouldn’t be doing that trip again as it sounds horrendous.

Why is "I wonder why she's so hostile, were you the OW?" etc always deemed as an unreasonable question on here?
It's pretty relevant isn't it, to possibly explain why someone may hold a particularly nasty grudge towards someone? It can't be nice to have your DH cheat on you, move away from their children and watch him and his new lady have a family life with your children? I can't say I've been in that position, and I'd like to say I'd try and get past it, but I fear it would definitely cloud my judgement- we're only humans after all.

I think it’s only in mumsnetland you get people saying his kids, his problem You’re married-can’t you just help him out and get them? I assume it’s his planned weekend with them so it’s not unreasonable for his ex to have made plans. Can’t you just take the opportunity to do your husband, his children and the mother of his children a kindness?

@Subbaxeo
I would suggest reading the OPs posts at least, as it is a long thread to trawl through at this point.

the mother of his children a kindness?

Pity the mother of his children can’t do a kindness.

The OP already went for the children and did do a kindness, and the mother was extremely rude to her and about her.

Just read your update. Some people make it very difficult to be nice. What a horror she is.

It’s a lesson to read the whole thread.

@Subbaxeo

I think it’s only in mumsnetland you get people saying his kids, his problem You’re married-can’t you just help him out and get them? I assume it’s his planned weekend with them so it’s not unreasonable for his ex to have made plans. Can’t you just take the opportunity to do your husband, his children and the mother of his children a kindness?

Rtft ffs.