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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

275 replies

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:01

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ShitShop · 22/08/2021 19:32

Sorry x post about the boys.

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:34

I don't think she thinks I'd be out partying with the eldest. I don't drink. And I don't like partying. It would just be a girly weekend abroad basically, all inclusive, swimming, sunbathing, nice meals, a paid for day cruise Excursion as part of the package, etc. All on me.

OP posts:

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 22/08/2021 19:35

You wanted to take your DSDs but not your DSS? I'd imagine that's influencing her decision too. Maybe it's just your posting style but it's all sounding a bit odd.
Your DH is right that you should drop it.

WeAreTheHeroes · 22/08/2021 19:35

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go.

I think the fact they've never been with her is likely to be a factor.

HeddaGarbled · 22/08/2021 19:36

I suspect there’s more to it than the safety aspect. I would imagine there’s all sorts of reasons why it wouldn’t sit right with her.

It was a lovely idea, but your H is right: don’t cause trouble between them all.

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:37

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

Read all my comments. There are three boys including my own son but they are all a lot younger. The plans was for them to have a weekend camping trip with DH whilst I went away with the girls. Then once the boys were older, they would also have the chance to go abroad either with DH as a boys only thing. Or I'd take them myself as I planned to with the girls.

OP posts:

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:38

@WeAreTheHeroes

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go.

I think the fact they've never been with her is likely to be a factor.

Yes, I think so too. But I do think that's a little selfish to deny them the opportunity because she wants to be the one to take them but she can't or wont which means they don't get to go at all.

OP posts:

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 19:39

When we tried to take dsd away her dm said it wasn't fair she had a good time without her there to see it..
Bonkers...
Now if you had let slip you were having a trip away alone I would assume she would have gone batshit..
You can't win op.

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:40

@HeddaGarbled

I suspect there’s more to it than the safety aspect. I would imagine there’s all sorts of reasons why it wouldn’t sit right with her.

It was a lovely idea, but your H is right: don’t cause trouble between them all.

I'm not going to cause trouble. I won't tell the girls. Because I know they'd be disappointed.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2021 19:43

That’s a real shame for them OP. She’s causing her children to miss out on something really nice.

It’s not like she doesn’t know you. You’ve been around for a while now.

I can understand how annoyed and probably how deflated you are. Just makes you realise you’re “just” the stepmum doesn’t it? Great for convenience, but nothing else.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 22/08/2021 19:44

I'd not be comfortable with it either tbh.
I'd happily wave them off if their father was going too but I do think a parent needs to be present.
Good chance she's also envious of your position and can't afford a holiday with her dc herself?
She may not be completely be happy with your parenting style and worry that, for eg, you won't supervise a non-swimming dc in the pool?
Worried about Covid and worries you could be reckless in relation to this somehow?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 22/08/2021 19:45

I'll be honest and say it doesn't sound like your Husband is overly keen on you taking them either.
Sorry

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/08/2021 19:46

If you're DH is telling you to drop it, then you should drop it. Whilst it might not seem fair to you, if neither of the actual parents are supporting the trip, then that should be the end of it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/08/2021 19:46

*your - hate when auto correct incorrectly changes my spelling!

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2021 19:47

They've never been abroad before

That's the issue. You want to do 'first' with them.

AlmostSummer21 · 22/08/2021 19:47

I just genuinely thought it would be such a lovely thing for the girls

Which is why she doesn't want them doing it with you!

Selfish, silly cow!

Your DH is just as bad, not concerned about his girls, just rolling over for the Ex. FTS.

excelledyourself · 22/08/2021 19:49

Perhaps the rugby trip was considered okay pre-Covid, but now the pandemic has unsettled her.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 19:50

@Noshowwithoutpunch

I'd not be comfortable with it either tbh. I'd happily wave them off if their father was going too but I do think a parent needs to be present. Good chance she's also envious of your position and can't afford a holiday with her dc herself? She may not be completely be happy with your parenting style and worry that, for eg, you won't supervise a non-swimming dc in the pool? Worried about Covid and worries you could be reckless in relation to this somehow?

They're 14 and 18. I'd be surprised if either of them can't swim! She's being selfish.

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:50

@funinthesun19

That’s a real shame for them OP. She’s causing her children to miss out on something really nice.

It’s not like she doesn’t know you. You’ve been around for a while now.

I can understand how annoyed and probably how deflated you are. Just makes you realise you’re “just” the stepmum doesn’t it? Great for convenience, but nothing else.

Yeah, exactly. I took all four of them swimming to the beach by myself Friday Night. The boys too. We had such fun. DH stayed home. Then Sunday we all went to the beach as a family, I popped to the shops to buy them some things for the beach, packed hot chocolate in flasks, etc. Think of all those little things to make things fun that DH doesn't think of. Have them the extra odd night even when DH is working. I spent an entire Saturday morning phoning companies for one of them struggling to find a work experience place, I offered to drive them further afield so there were more options as neither Mum or Dad were able too. Dh and I are paying £3k to take them on a UK glamping holiday next summer. I got them to help pick somewhere and choose the activities they wanted to do, etc. I've cleaned them up when they've had accidents, cried, couldn't sleep, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:51

@AlmostSummer21

I just genuinely thought it would be such a lovely thing for the girls

Which is why she doesn't want them doing it with you!

Selfish, silly cow!

Your DH is just as bad, not concerned about his girls, just rolling over for the Ex. FTS.

I'm quite annoyed with DH. I asked him one more time just to ask her nicely if perhaps just the q8 year old could come, he point blank refused. Said he didn't want to cause a war and drama.

OP posts:

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:51

They can both swim competently. All three of us have been swimming in the sea all weekend as we love it.

OP posts:

Reallyreallyborednow · 22/08/2021 19:52

That's the issue. You want to do 'first' with them

Really? You think o/p is taking them away out of spite so she gets to do it first?

They are 14 and 18 ffs. It’s more than likely that they’ll be doing these “firsts” by themselves before the mother does it.

They aren’t babies. One is an adult, the other is 14. My ds is off to reading next weekend at 16. I’m certainly not going to stop him because I can’t be there to see the first time he goes to a festival.

InFiveMins · 22/08/2021 19:52

She's being pathetic and denying her daughters the chance of a nice time away out of spite.

Original poster

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:52

@JacquelineCarlyle

If you're DH is telling you to drop it, then you should drop it. Whilst it might not seem fair to you, if neither of the actual parents are supporting the trip, then that should be the end of it.

DH waS supportive and wanted me to take them but he wants me to drop it now because he doesn't want to start drama.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 22/08/2021 19:53

I think you are in the wrong for thinking you could just take them without their mother knowing.

But your dh is fine with upsetting you and depriving his kids to keep his ex happy..

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