Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

275 replies

blaisealex · 22/08/2021 19:01

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
blaisealex · 22/08/2021 20:42

@BungleandGeorge

I don’t think there’s any indication at all of how old she is? People are offering reasons why the Mum might have said no and why the Dad is not disagreeing with that. None of these kids have been abroad, I wouldn’t take 2 and leave the others. Other parents can make other decisions but that is the prerogative of those parents. I’m not sure why a 10 and 13 year old are any more hassle than a 14 year old? I’d be wondering what activities she wanted to do that wouldn’t be suitable for them. It’s actually quite important whether they’ve met or have a relationship because that’s where trust comes from, and it takes a lot of that to allow someone to take a child abroad.
I'm paying for this out of my own pocket and can't afford to take the three boys as well. The 10 year old is a very young 10 year old and the youngest is 3! Totally changes the dynamic. Rather than being a fun girly holiday and a first experience for them, it becomes me and the eighteen year old looking after the ten year old and the three year old. It's a girls only trip. 🤷‍♀️ How possible is it to do a spa, a day cruise with open (middle of the sea) swip stops, and lots of swimming with a ten year old and a three year old! Neither would be old enough for the day cruise. The ten year old can swim but does need supervision and isn't able to go as deep as the others. I've already said multiple times that I'd happily pay to take the boys at a later date. Even the following year once the 10 year old is at secondary but obviously DM will just say no anyway so it's a moot point.
OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 20:43

@BungleandGeorge

OP won’t answer the question of how much she knows their Mum. She isn’t even able to speak to her directly about this she goes through their Dad. Which may be the right way but have they even met each other? I think it’s quite normal to have some sort of relationship if the step mum is heavily involved in their life. If you want to take the kids away without their actual parent I think it’s unreasonable to expect to do that if you have no relationship at all with their Mum. I’m not suggesting they need to be best friends but are they strangers?
It's not normal at all when things are high conflict.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 20:44

And you know, she's married to their dad who is as much their parent as their mum is.

Original poster
blaisealex · 22/08/2021 20:48

I met the DSCs DM at a funeral. We acknowledged each other and agreed life was too short for awkwardness or trying to avoid each other. So we have met and are both able to attend mutual events but yes, the correspondence always goes through DH as it should.

OP posts:
UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 22/08/2021 20:48

Blimey Im sorry but it really seems petty… 6 years in their life and with adult sibling.
My mum happily let me go abroad with friends grandparent and sister who was about 20 I think. I was 13 had the best time and she was happy I got to go abroad and experience that as she’s never been able to take me anywhere like that. I think me and my friend even flew with just her sister (as they had a house out there). I also have siblings and it wasn’t a case of “you can’t go because they’ve not been invited” in fact another family friend took one of my brothers to Disneyland Paris too. Our parents didn’t deny him this experience because they weren’t taking us all!
Also at 18 loads of people go on holidays with just their friends (sun, sex and suspicious parents anyone Grin) the mum can’t control her daughter forever and also can’t blame Stepmum if she did get drunk abroad! She’s 18!

BungleandGeorge · 22/08/2021 20:52

There’s no suggestion it’s high conflict? If it is then Surely it would be a non starter without the father going.

The 3 year old isn’t relevant to the Mum as he’s not hers I don’t think? However inconvenient they might be I would t give 2 siblings a trip abroad and not the other 2.

Original poster
blaisealex · 22/08/2021 20:53

@BungleandGeorge

There’s no suggestion it’s high conflict? If it is then Surely it would be a non starter without the father going.

The 3 year old isn’t relevant to the Mum as he’s not hers I don’t think? However inconvenient they might be I would t give 2 siblings a trip abroad and not the other 2.

I've just told you I've met her. What other things are you going to come up with now? Equally, I've explained why I was planning to just take the girls.
OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 22/08/2021 20:54

Going with a friend who is your specific friend is not the same as a family group travelling with only some of the children. The 18 year old I agree is an adult and can decide herself

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 20:54

@BungleandGeorge

There’s no suggestion it’s high conflict? If it is then Surely it would be a non starter without the father going.

The 3 year old isn’t relevant to the Mum as he’s not hers I don’t think? However inconvenient they might be I would t give 2 siblings a trip abroad and not the other 2.

There is. Op said dh was reluctant to rock the boat as there had been a few rocky years.

I disagree that it would mean it's a non starter. Again you're thinking of the mum and not the kids here. It's irrelevant what their mum thinks of their step mum it's what's best for them.

Again just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't mean it's wrong. Op has said several times the boys will get a separate trip in a few years.

Whatinthelord · 22/08/2021 20:55

It’s hard to comment too much because dynamics in blended families can be so difficult and complicated.

It’s a shame she didn’t agree but I think it’s probably best to leave it. In a couple of years you can take them both without needing to involve her at all.

Maybe plan a uk trip for you all instead for now.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 22/08/2021 20:57

To elaborate they were family friends. They just decided to take us girls for that trip. Boy siblings from both families weren’t invited that time. Really wasn’t the end of the world to any of them.

Potpourri23 · 22/08/2021 21:05

It sounds like she's simply jealous that you have a good connection with them and make the effort to do fun things 🤷‍♀️

RedMarauder · 22/08/2021 21:18

@BungleandGeorge

Going with a friend who is your specific friend is not the same as a family group travelling with only some of the children. The 18 year old I agree is an adult and can decide herself
You are just making up things now to be difficult.

If the OP can do things that are risky e.g. looking after competent swimmers who are a teen and an adult in the UK while they swim in the sea. In addition the OP doesn't actually drink, what harm do you think they are going to come to in another Western country?

The answer is none.

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2021 21:19

Really? You think o/p is taking them away out of spite so she gets to do it first?

I didn't actually say that at all. Please learn to read @Reallyreallyborednow

I said this could be the reason the mum said no. Nothing about 'spite' at all.

nevergoesaway · 22/08/2021 21:26

Op I just wanted to say you sound like such a wonderful stepmum, and so kind to offer to do this. Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives. I think the DM is being really unreasonable personally.

BungleandGeorge · 22/08/2021 21:54

@RedMarauder i doubt she knows much about her after speaking to her only once at a funeral? It’s speculation why Mum said no as the OP appears to have only spoken to her directly once. It could be she doesn’t know her, it could be that she doesn’t want only some children taken, it could be that she doesn’t want the disruption of travel with covid, it could be that the 18 year old has a level exams, it could be that she’s worried about who else is going (OP says she was going anyway, not clear if that’s alone), it could be that she’s jealous. Not all of those reasons are valid for the OP to be annoyed with Mum. Honestly I’d just pick up the phone and have a conversation

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 22:06

[quote BungleandGeorge]@RedMarauder i doubt she knows much about her after speaking to her only once at a funeral? It’s speculation why Mum said no as the OP appears to have only spoken to her directly once. It could be she doesn’t know her, it could be that she doesn’t want only some children taken, it could be that she doesn’t want the disruption of travel with covid, it could be that the 18 year old has a level exams, it could be that she’s worried about who else is going (OP says she was going anyway, not clear if that’s alone), it could be that she’s jealous. Not all of those reasons are valid for the OP to be annoyed with Mum. Honestly I’d just pick up the phone and have a conversation[/quote]
Ah yes sounds like a brilliant idea. Seriously what do you think that would achieve? She doesn't want to give op a reason what makes you think a phone call will help?

And tbh I don't think any of those are valid reasons!

Pebbledashery · 22/08/2021 22:07

You are a good step mum op. Whilst I agree partly with the mums decision.. I think those kids are extremely fortunate to have you care for them. They obviously love and respect you too.

DancesWithTortoises · 22/08/2021 22:08

You sound lovely, OP. And the mother sounds very selfish. A shame the girls have to miss out because of her attitude.

Ignore the daft posts saying you should take the boys. Totally potty some people.

ImprobablePuffin · 22/08/2021 22:17

I'm having to skim the thread so sorry if this has been asked but why do you go through your DH to speak about DSC's? I have a stepdaughter and just text her directly about stuff. I'd feel like a naughty child if my partner and his ex were discussing me between themselves about what I can and can't do.

ImprobablePuffin · 22/08/2021 22:27

As an aside if I was the 18 year old I would be so pissed off that all these decisions were being made for me without me even knowing.

Just text and ask the adult 18 year old directly.

MessyLifeCleanHouse · 22/08/2021 22:55

@Bananarama21

Well it's not shitty of her is it. She's the mother you need to respect her wishes. I wouldn't allow my sons sm to take him away abroad on his own either I'd find it odd.
You sound so bitter Blush
RedMarauder · 23/08/2021 05:55

@BungleandGeorge the 18 year old doesn't need her mother's permission to go on holiday with another adult.

The OP can simply contact the 18 year old herself as ImprobablePuffin said.

Oh and if the mum kicks the 18 year old out or causes trouble the teen can move in with her father and the OP.

People on MN forget that you should be careful with teens over 15 and not treat them like younger children, especially if they have another parent they can live with.

NoNoThankYou · 23/08/2021 06:23

I'm curious to know what you're hoping to get out of this thread, OP.

Their mother has said no and, while you may be disappointed (and think your DSC would be disappointed if they knew), she will have her reasons. Whether they're good or bad reasons, nobody on here can tell because noone knows you or her. Your DH would like you to drop it and will have his reasons for that too, whether you truly know them or not, and whether you would think they're good or bad.

The picture you've painted here of a happy family lead largely by you on their dad's side sounds lovely. Maybe it's the full picture, maybe not. Everyone on here can pat you on the back and say what a wonderful mother figure you are and cast virtual side-eye at your husband's ex wife based on the very limited information we have here, but what does that achieve?

Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 06:45

Forgive me if I am not understanding the Covid situation over your side of the world, but isn’t it risky to travel overseas during a pandemic? What if the country you go to suddenly shuts its borders and you have trouble getting back home and have to stay in quarantine? Who knows if things will be better or worse next year in May. Times are so uncertain right now. Under these circumstances I wouldn’t let my dc go overseas without me.