To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

Why not tell the girls?
Let their DM explain why she is refusing this opportunity on their behalf. My DCs had done school trips abroad and within UK by this age, I never went (obviously).
Is the DM very anxious and afraid to travel herself and extending this to cover the DDs? Does she not know how to go through an airport?

I would absolutely offer to take the 18 year old. She will then hopefully persuade her mother to allow the 14 year old to go too.

I think you are in the wrong for thinking you could just take them without their mother knowing

Eh? You might want to read the thread properly.

Are you very young OP? As a PP said it seems neither of the DCs parents are pushing for this to happen. Taking them to the local beach isn't comparable to taking them abroad. And deciding the girls are old enough to go abroad but the boys aren't- is really a parenting decision.

Called DH a wet spoon for not at least asking her if the 18 year old could come and he said "I have! I texted her 5 mins ago!" Well, he didn't tell me 🤣

Yeah, exactly. I took all four of them swimming to the beach by myself Friday Night. The boys too. We had such fun. DH stayed home. Then Sunday we all went to the beach as a family, I popped to the shops to buy them some things for the beach, packed hot chocolate in flasks, etc. Think of all those little things to make things fun that DH doesn't think of. Have them the extra odd night even when DH is working. I spent an entire Saturday morning phoning companies for one of them struggling to find a work experience place, I offered to drive them further afield so there were more options as neither Mum or Dad were able too. Dh and I are paying £3k to take them on a UK glamping holiday next summer. I got them to help pick somewhere and choose the activities they wanted to do, etc. I've cleaned them up when they've had accidents, cried, couldn't sleep, etc.

That’s a lot of stuff. And you can’t even take your teenage dsds away for 3 days on your own. Yeah I think the parents are being very unfair.

You could possibly have difficulty at any border you tried to cross with a 14 year old who is not any blood relation

It's a shame as you seem like a lovely step mum. Step kids are lucky to have you.. However, I can sort of understand where she's coming from, without wishing to offend, you aren't legally their parent.. Its completely normal for you and their father and them to go away as a family.. But step kids with just a step parent is a bit odd.. Also. She may not say it, but she might be put out that you'd be the first to take them abroad before her.. And I can understand that a bit.

@Reallyreallyborednow

That's the issue. You want to do 'first' with them

Really? You think o/p is taking them away out of spite so she gets to do it first?

They are 14 and 18 ffs. It’s more than likely that they’ll be doing these “firsts” by themselves before the mother does it.

They aren’t babies. One is an adult, the other is 14. My ds is off to reading next weekend at 16. I’m certainly not going to stop him because I can’t be there to see the first time he goes to a festival.

Where did @KatherineJaneway say that?

She obviously meant that is how the DM is feeling.

Just to reiterate DH was incredibly supportive and really wanted me to take the girls away. He really wanted it. He just doesn't want to keep pursuing it with their DM because they, finally, after some rocky few years get on well and he doesn't want to rock the boat.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

Are you very young OP? As a PP said it seems neither of the DCs parents are pushing for this to happen. Taking them to the local beach isn't comparable to taking them abroad. And deciding the girls are old enough to go abroad but the boys aren't- is really a parenting decision.

She didnt say it was about them not being told enough. She wanted to do a girls holiday with them. It's changes the dynamic completely taking younger boys also.

Op how long were they split when you met him? You’re not the other woman?

I agree with your husband, drop it. She said no, there’s no point causing drama between your husband and his ex.. It’s a no, leave it there.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

Are you very young OP? As a PP said it seems neither of the DCs parents are pushing for this to happen. Taking them to the local beach isn't comparable to taking them abroad. And deciding the girls are old enough to go abroad but the boys aren't- is really a parenting decision.

How patronising.

You could possibly have difficulty at any border you tried to cross with a 14 year old who is not any blood relation

As long as you have a loco parentis form it’s no problem. How do you think school trips and sports trips work? We used to regularly take my cousin abroad with us without a problem.

@Reallyreallyborednow

I think you are in the wrong for thinking you could just take them without their mother knowing

Eh? You might want to read the thread properly.

The op said she didn't want the mother asked..

Op how long were they split when you met him? You’re not the other woman?

Here we go . Step mum bingo.

I haven't had time to RTFT but I'd be tempted to take this with good grace as I think that maybe the DM may change her mind after she's had some time to think.

You could ask DSD if they genuinely want to come and if they do approach DM to ask about her concerns and see if you can offer any reassurance.

Being a SP is tough, I'm not one myself but my DH is a SP to my son, and my son also has a SM with his dad's girlfriend. Having caring loving SPs in my son's life is wonderful.

I think that you sound very entitled and transactional. As though the amount of money you have spent on these girls gives you any sort of entitlement at all? It really doesn't. Take the money out of the equation. Dont even think that gives you any sort of sway or that you are owed anything because you really are not. What we are hearing is very one sided. If the mother has reservations about her 14 year old going overseas with someone she doesn't know very well, that is her right. Aim to take the girls somewhere in the UK, within driving distance, perhaps on a day trip, you may then get the answer you are looking for from her. I don't know you op but do you think the mother may resent that you are a Disney step mother? I think you need to chill out, calm down, and sort of know your place a bit more I think. I'm sure you probably have a great relationship with the girls so just continue to focus on that, and possibly invite the girls overseas when they are both adults. I think when other posters encourage you to cause friction between the girls and their mother, that is all kinds of wrong.

No she didn't @SunshineCake ?

@Bluntness100

Op how long were they split when you met him? You’re not the other woman?

I agree with your husband, drop it. She said no, there’s no point causing drama between your husband and his ex.. It’s a no, leave it there.

No, I'm not the other woman.

@Missdotty

I think that you sound very entitled and transactional. As though the amount of money you have spent on these girls gives you any sort of entitlement at all? It really doesn't. Take the money out of the equation. Dont even think that gives you any sort of sway or that you are owed anything because you really are not. What we are hearing is very one sided. If the mother has reservations about her 14 year old going overseas with someone she doesn't know very well, that is her right. Aim to take the girls somewhere in the UK, within driving distance, perhaps on a day trip, you may then get the answer you are looking for from her. I don't know you op but do you think the mother may resent that you are a Disney step mother? I think you need to chill out, calm down, and sort of know your place a bit more I think. I'm sure you probably have a great relationship with the girls so just continue to focus on that, and possibly invite the girls overseas when they are both adults. I think when other posters encourage you to cause friction between the girls and their mother, that is all kinds of wrong.

Lol did you read any of the thread or just make all that up? Projecting are we?

The mother is jealous. She doesn't want them to like/love you or doesnt want you to take them on holiday if she herself cannot or will not.

Her comments about why she didn't want them to go would be perfectly reasonable for primary school aged children...

However, for a 14 year old teenager and an actual 18 year old adult....come on! That isn't being "strict", that is being controlling and petty.

Such a shame that mum has let her own feelings override her DDs chance of a lovely foreign break.

The op said she didn't want the mother asked

Well I’m missing something then, i’ve read o/p’s posts and can’t see that at all.

She didn’t want the girls told as she suspected the mum would say no, the intention was always to ask the mum first.

But isn't step mum bingo the point of this thread? Dripfeeding information about there being more DCs. Ignoring any questions that could make the mum's stance seem reasonable. Equating a beach trip with a first holiday abroad. It's all about the OP. The DCs' wishes are completely absent.

Ime simply tell her you will just take your own dc..
Bet she soon changes her mind..