To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

@Willyoujustbequiet

It's her call and you need to respect it.

I'd be more concerned about your DH tbh and his apparent lack of a moral compass.

Eh?

6 years is a while. Do you think she'd feel more comfortable if it was within the UK?

Sounds like the DM refused permission to spite you, and put you in your place as "you're not their DM". She also seems very jealous of the relationship you have with the DD's.

Sounds like the DM refused permission to spite you, and put you in your place as "you're not their DM". She also seems very jealous of the relationship you have with the DD's

Is this purely based on refusing to allow her kids to go abroad with SM?

@SandyY2K

Sounds like the DM refused permission to spite you, and put you in your place as "you're not their DM". She also seems very jealous of the relationship you have with the DD's

Is this purely based on refusing to allow her kids to go abroad with SM?

Based on the description of the OP's relationship with her DSC's.

Based on the DM knowing that the DSD's would really enjoy the trip.

Based on the DM being happy for her younger age DS to go abroad with a random group of people that she doesn't know, albeit teachers (Rugby trip), but not with a DSM of many years.

It's sad for the DSD's not to be able to enjoy this kind and lovely thing their DSM wanted to do for them because their DM didn't want them to (I don't think I saw a proper reason given).

Based on the DM knowing that the DSD's would really enjoy the trip.
BS. The OP does not know what the DM knows or believes.

Based on the DM being happy for her younger age DS to go abroad with a random group of people that she doesn't know, albeit teachers (Rugby trip), but not with a DSM of many years.
False equivalence alert! So because the DM was happy to allow her DS pre-Covid to travel with trained teachers who will have first aid certificates and DBS and lots of experience taking kids abroad and in a team of teachers, you think she should be happy to send her DDs abroad during a pandemic with a twenty-something who has no training and limited experience of sole care of teenagers?

It's sad for the DSD's not to be able to enjoy this kind and lovely thing their DSM wanted to do for them because their DM didn't want them to (I don't think I saw a proper reason given).
I think it’s sad that the op hasn’t got any friends to do a girls weekend with. I think it’s sad the op’s DH uses her as childcare for his kids. I think it’s sad that some posters seem to be keen to encourage the op to create a rift in a seemingly previous good relationship with her DSC’s mum. I think op needs to step back and accept this with good grace. I don’t see any spite at all.

a twenty-something

Yeah cos we all know your brain doesn't grow until you're 35. Jesus Christ. You see people crying ageism all over this site but if you're slagging off someone young apparently it's fine

I think it’s sad that the op hasn’t got any friends to do a girls weekend with. I think it’s sad the op’s DH uses her as childcare for his kids.

I think it's sad you've made up this utter bull shit to try and prove your point.

@CaptainCaveMum

Based on the DM knowing that the DSD's would really enjoy the trip. BS. The OP does not know what the DM knows or believes.

Based on the DM being happy for her younger age DS to go abroad with a random group of people that she doesn't know, albeit teachers (Rugby trip), but not with a DSM of many years.
False equivalence alert! So because the DM was happy to allow her DS pre-Covid to travel with trained teachers who will have first aid certificates and DBS and lots of experience taking kids abroad and in a team of teachers, you think she should be happy to send her DDs abroad during a pandemic with a twenty-something who has no training and limited experience of sole care of teenagers?

It's sad for the DSD's not to be able to enjoy this kind and lovely thing their DSM wanted to do for them because their DM didn't want them to (I don't think I saw a proper reason given).
I think it’s sad that the op hasn’t got any friends to do a girls weekend with. I think it’s sad the op’s DH uses her as childcare for his kids. I think it’s sad that some posters seem to be keen to encourage the op to create a rift in a seemingly previous good relationship with her DSC’s mum. I think op needs to step back and accept this with good grace. I don’t see any spite at all.

Somewhat accurate. I have zero friends 😂

It's sad for the DSD's not to be able to enjoy this kind and lovely thing their DSM wanted to do for them because their DM didn't want them to (I don't think I saw a proper reason given).

She said she didn't feel comfortable with it. That's a good enough reason.

Based on the DM being happy for her younger age DS to go abroad with a random group of people that she doesn't know, albeit teachers (Rugby trip), but not with a DSM of many years.

Yeah..this really isn't comparable. An organised school trip is nothing like going abroad with your SM.

Based on the DM knowing that the DSD's would really enjoy the trip.

Just because you know your child will enjoy something, doesn't mean you allow them to do it.

3 nights away from home for an 18 and 14 year old, and people really believe they wouldn't enjoy it??? I guess you don't know many teenage girls then

OP has accepted that her DSD's can't go, I just think it's sad the DM is cutting off her nose to spite her face, because she can't get past her own jealousy.

@SandyY2K

It's sad for the DSD's not to be able to enjoy this kind and lovely thing their DSM wanted to do for them because their DM didn't want them to (I don't think I saw a proper reason given).

She said she didn't feel comfortable with it. That's a good enough reason.

Based on the DM being happy for her younger age DS to go abroad with a random group of people that she doesn't know, albeit teachers (Rugby trip), but not with a DSM of many years.

Yeah..this really isn't comparable. An organised school trip is nothing like going abroad with your SM.

Based on the DM knowing that the DSD's would really enjoy the trip.

Just because you know your child will enjoy something, doesn't mean you allow them to do it.

What is she going to do when her 18 year old simply realises she is an adult and stops listening to what her mum is "comfortable" with?

There's nothing inherently dangerous about a DSM of many years taking DSC's abroad, though I may be missing something here. I realise the OP and eldest DSD are only 7 years apart, but are people thinking she'll be taking them out on the lash together or something??? I think I read earlier she doesn't drink!

If my DC were that age and had a DSM, I'd be pleased that she was so lovely to think of them. As I've split with my DP, and DC under 6, it's probably likely to happen in some form, and I really wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Ask the girls to work on their Mum. She may say yes.

Good god, people are bellends on here sometimes. I think it's fair enough that their mum says no but personally, I would have said yes. An 18yo can surely be trusted to look after herself. Christ, she can holiday abroad alone if she wants. That's two adults with a 14yo. Really cannot see a problem.

Something isn't sitting right with me on this. You keep going on about how much you've spent on the sc, and how disappointed they'd be to miss out on stuff, and you wanting to do things as a family. Well, the mum is part of the family too. Maybe deep down she's feeling she can't compete with you. You seem very invested in the kids/older child - emotionally and financially (you bring up money alot). There is alot of passive-aggressive energy going on between you, the husband and the mother, none of you are being honest with each other. But if she says she's not comfortable with you going away with her daughters and their father isn't disagreeing then leave it. Bringing it to Mumsnet is a bit weird, too. You obviously want people to agree with you and cuss out the mother which I think is out of order. Like I said, passive aggressive energy.

I think she's probably feeling jealous or something. As a mum, you do really need to push past it for the sake of the children, but it isn't easy accepting that as you are separated from their father that there will be things you aren't part of - going abroad for the first time being one of them. Doesn't mean you have every right to say no to everything, but it can't be easy to say crack on and take them, esp as it's not with their Dad and with their SM instead.

Hopefully she'll come round?

@GrownPersonHere

Something isn't sitting right with me on this. You keep going on about how much you've spent on the sc, and how disappointed they'd be to miss out on stuff, and you wanting to do things as a family. Well, the mum is part of the family too. Maybe deep down she's feeling she can't compete with you. You seem very invested in the kids/older child - emotionally and financially (you bring up money alot). There is alot of passive-aggressive energy going on between you, the husband and the mother, none of you are being honest with each other. But if she says she's not comfortable with you going away with her daughters and their father isn't disagreeing then leave it. Bringing it to Mumsnet is a bit weird, too. You obviously want people to agree with you and cuss out the mother which I think is out of order. Like I said, passive aggressive energy.

This is unfair. The DC's DM is of course their family, however she is not the OP's family at all! In the 7 years I was with EXDP, I never met or spoke to DSS's DM as that was EXDP's relationship to manage.

The OP has also mentioned this time it was a girls trip, and she'd planned to take the boys (including her own DS, who she is leaving behind this time) on another trip in a few years. This doesn't seem indicative of an obsession to me.

There's nothing passive aggressive about giving background and context to a post on MN. As for deriding the OP for bringing it here, if you read any number of posts on MN on any given day, they range from conversations around coping with death to lighthearted ones about whether to wear a certain pair of shoes. It's perfectly valid for the OP to have asked the question about whether it was reasonable on MN, given the DM's refusal amounts to "I don't want them to go".

You may be lucky and have lots of people to talk to about things that concern you in real-life; not everyone does. I didn't know any other DSM's to talk to when I first got together with my EXDP. If I'd read some of the threads on the step-parenting board before, I'd probably have ended my relationship after the first year or so, when some of the signs of Disney Dad, and expectations of me as a DSM emerged, instead of going overboard trying to be a perfect DSM for years following. It's a mistake many of us make in an effort to bring harmony to the family.

The OP wanted to do what any ordinary, responsible person would want do for their DC/DSC, assuming they have a good relationship, and the means to do so. She hasn't asked the DM or the DF for a contribution to costs, yet she's still in the wrong. It seems as if DSM's are always the villain, no matter what they do

If the 18 year old is doing a levels, no way would I take them away in May half term, that's just before they start (well some might be before half term too)

@Starseeking
I never used the word 'obsession' at all, I said 'she is too invested' - completely different point.
And its not the case of being lucky enough to have lots of people to talk to, really the most important person she should be saying all that to was her husband and the mother - as 3 responsible adults, they should be able to get to together and discuss what is okay to do with the SC. Actually, the 18 year old could be involved with the conversations too as she is a young adult.
But there is this unspoken rule that mums and step-mums shouldn't talk to each other and everything should be done through the dad as the mediator. Really? They're gonna put all that responsibility on a man who has to be a go-between with the two most important women after his mother, his wife and mother of his children? Sometimes just having a normal conversation with a man is too much for him LOL. I would imagine he doesn't want to deal with the 'drama' because look where they are now? That's why they should all get together and hash it out! But instead they're not talking to each other about it, the OP is here on Mumsnet asking if the mother is unreasonable, the dad said just 'leave it, he doesn't want the drama' and mum is saying she's 'not comfortable'! This is why I say passive-aggressive - on all fronts, not just OP. They're all indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them, the definition of passive-aggression!
Why not TELL the mother she is being unreasonable and ask her why she is not trusted to take the girls away? Why isn't Dad taking a more active stance on this as the other parent of the kid/YA?
The mother and step mum don't have any type of relationship and this is why OP is in the situation she is now, because the mother doesn't know her well enough, she doesn't feel comfortable enough with her daughters being with her abroad.
I wasn't going to bring up her age (OP) as she is an adult, but I do find it strange that she didn't answer straight away how old she was when being asked multiple times her age until someone else saw her age on another post then she admitted she is 25. She obviously feels some type of way about being considered too young, that her age might have been a factor in the mother's decision. Even if that wasn't the case, are we forgetting that we are still in the middle of a pandemic? People are going to be more cautious about where they go nowadays - and parents have to make hard decisions for their kids sometimes. But not for other people's kids, even if they're married to the one of the parents, without a proper discussion. Okay, if the 18 year old wants to go, then fair enough. But the 14 year old? With a 25 and 18 year old? Abroad? I'd have reservations too. I'm sure if OP thought about it and put herself in the mothers shoes, she would too.

Apologies @GrownPersonHere, I thoughtlessly interchanged too invested with obsession because that's how your comment came across. I'll update that to say it really doesn't read as if the OP is too invested in her DSC. If anything, it's good that she takes an interest and is involved, rather than trying to push the DSC out as can happen in blended families.

I agree that the lack of relationship between the DM and DSM probably don't help, my situation was similar. This IS entirely down to the man in the middle, as unfortunately you cannot force him to allow a cordial relationship to develop between the women if that is not what he wants. My EXDP was adamant that we be kept separate as "he didn't want his EXDW's toxicity affecting our family". Now, I see that as a red flag, and would do in future relationships. If I'd asked on here before getting involved with him, it could have saved me a traumatic time.

I just don't see the OP as being in the wrong here, she wanted to do a nice thing for DC she enjoys spending time with, and it's unfortunate that the DM couldn't support that.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

What is she going to do when her 18 year old simply realises she is an adult and stops listening to what her mum is "comfortable" with?

Every 18 year old is different and it depends on their relationship with their parents and how much they seel approval.

Some will still listen to their parents. My DD was in her first year at university and asked me about going on a trip to Europe. She lived away from home and I wouldn't have known if she went without running it past me. I told her I didn't feel comfortable and stated why....she didn't go on the end.

Perhaps the mum will feel comfortable with it in a few years. One must bear in mind covid has changed views on travel abroad.

3 nights away from home for an 18 and 14 year old, and people really believe they wouldn't enjoy it???

Oh yes, they'd enjoy it. I'm not sure why people think they wouldn't.

I just think it's sad the DM is cutting off her nose to spite her face, because she can't get past her own jealousy.

It's really speculation to say she's jealous. You don't know that to be a fact.

It's possible that it makes her feel insecure, but it takes an understand of the dynamics of step and blended families to realise this isn't uncommon.

Some separated parents feel this way about the other parent taking the kids away or doing things they're not in a position to do.

You were 18 when you got together with a man with 4 children. Age ranges from 3-11? Do you have a life outside of him and your family?

It would have been lovely. You're lovely. I wouldn't personally have an issue with it. If they were young kids and you were on your own I might be a bit uncomfortable with it but not at their age, no. Essentially she's acting out of spite in my opinion, which is only damaging to her girls.