To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

@Bananarama21

Well it's not shitty of her is it. She's the mother you need to respect her wishes. I wouldn't allow my sons sm to take him away abroad on his own either I'd find it odd.

It's very shitty of her. Denying her daughters of a lovely opportunity with a significant figure in their life, no doubt simply because she hasn't been able to provide that experience herself. 0 ability to put her daughters first. Selfish.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

It is hypocritical though isn't it, happy for things that suit her that she doesn't want to do but unhappy when it only benefits her child. Sad really. Even sadder one us an adult and she's stopping them.

Ok so I'm ok with my parents looking after my child, I have to be ok with them taking him abroad? No, it doesn't work like that. You can have limits. And unless the mum is saying "You have to help out as you're their step mum" then saying "I don't want you to take my child abroad" is not hypocritical.

Maybe if you can explain the hypocrisy with an actual example that is hypocritical, then I will change my opinion. But allowing someone to do something they want to do, does not give them the right to do anything and everything.

@NoNoThankYou well put!

@RookieRoo

Also maybe it isn't personal. Maybe she just doesn't want her 14 year old abroad no matter who wants to take her. That's ok too.

Why is it ok, though? What if her daughters would like to go? Why doesn't their preference matter? They are hardly babies. I lived abroad, alone, ar 17. Robbing her daughters of opportunity won't serve her well in the long run

Maybe they would like to go, but at the age of 14 then it's the parents choice to allow or not.

I'm not saying I think it's fair on the girls I'm saying that the mother can say no if she wishes.

OP you say their mum has never been abroad, therefore I think it’s totally natural that she has reservations about her children being taken abroad. You offered, she didn’t give consent. I’d leave it there. Time to leave everyone at home and head off on hols with your friends!

@RookieRoo

Maybe they would like to go, but at the age of 14 then it's the parents choice to allow or not.

I'm not saying I think it's fair on the girls I'm saying that the mother can say no if she wishes.

Clearly she can say no, just as parents can make all kinds of self serving, selfish decisions. Doesn't make it right and doesn't mean others shouldn't question why her needs and wants come before her daughters

Getyourarse Judging from this thread, if the mother had given any detailed reason for her discomfort, the OP (and you) would have seen this as an opportunity to argue back against said reasons based on her own judgement of whether or not they were good enough reasons.

So we'd still end in a flounce.

The mother hasn't been rude. She's been very polite. You wouldn't consider it any politer if she'd given a reason that you disagree with and she'd still said no.

We'd still have this flounce.

The mother cannot win in your eyes without giving in entirely to what the OP (and you) want regardless of her parental instincts or boundaries.

If not, there will be a flounce.

And if the mother doesn't, the OP is going to refuse to do any fun activities that there has been no problem with, that only benefit the DSC rather than the parents, and which the OP had claimed to enjoy doing.

Well, that's up to her. But it tells me that either she hasn't actually valued the close relationship with her DSCs before now because she's willing to lose - and deprive them of it - it in order to prove a point to their mother sure to a single difference of opinion about suitable activities, or that she's silly enough to regret it very much but cut off her nose (and the DSC's) to spite her face nonetheless.

Sorry, I also just have to address the "hypocritical" point, though I know others have done so.

No.

Giving someone consent to do one thing doesn't mean it's hypocritical not to give them consent to do something else just because it involves the same people.

Obviously.

I could consent to someone looking after my child in a public place for an hour, at my home for the day, at their home overnight or abroad for a week. I might draw the "no" line anywhere along that line and it wouldn't make me a hypocrite. It's not hypocritical to say no to the last because I've said yes to the first. It would make my risk assessment of the different scenarios different.

@namechange7865

You were 17 when you and him got together and he had an 11 year old daughter, Christ.

These girls aren't your friends, you may be close in age but to do a "girl break" and leave out your other step children based on their sex isn't fair. You're not a teenager any more, they're not your children, holidays with adults (both) or listen to what mum is saying. I can very much imagine the dynamics going on here....it's ick.

How vile. Reported.

Your age is inevitably the issue. You say you don't drink or party, or she wouldn't know that. Add that she's hasn't been abroad, so that alone is probably giving her anxiety, she probably is imagining you taking the girls to do dangerous things.

I agree that it is a pity, especially at their age.

YADNBU. The DM is being selfish to deny her DDs the experience,just because she won't be there. They aren't babies, they are young women, I was shopping in Paris with my aunt at 14 & frequently travelling to various places on my own. My DM was working away from home at close to that age too

Parenting for some has gone nuts, so smothering & trying to keep adult kids as babies, I really feel for those kids & the parents too, who won't know their kids as teens if they keep treating them like babies, because they grow up whether you like it or not & if you can't roll with that & let them grow, they will still love you, but they won't be liking you very much or wanting to spend time with you when older teens

To those with the worries of kids going abroad without a parent. Give your head a wobble, it's perfectly easy & safe to do. These girls are clearly not babies

I took a friends 7 yo to Paris Disney for DDs birthday, we just needed a bit of extra paperwork, no big deal. The only issue we had is that the DD clearly wasn't ours as she's a completely different skin colour, so we were checked & questioned a lot more thoroughly, which I had no problem with when they explained it was to do with child trafficking, refugee kids etc.

I agree that your DH is being very weak & should speak up for his DDs rather than roll over & agree to anything the DM does for the sake of keeping peace, how does he even know It's going to cause a row, unless the DM has form for kicking off, withholding contact, which isn't something she can do at 14/18 anyway & doesn't sound that way from your posts.

If it were me, I'd be tearing DH a new one, given that you are clearly very hands on with your DSC. I'd be very upset that I was good enough to take up the parenting slack from him, but not to be trusted on a mini break. That would make me very cross & he'd know about it.

Not sure what you can do, but I don't blame you for being upset

@NoNoThankYou

Sorry, I also just have to address the "hypocritical" point, though I know others have done so.

No.

Giving someone consent to do one thing doesn't mean it's hypocritical not to give them consent to do something else just because it involves the same people.

Obviously.

I could consent to someone looking after my child in a public place for an hour, at my home for the day, at their home overnight or abroad for a week. I might draw the "no" line anywhere along that line and it wouldn't make me a hypocrite. It's not hypocritical to say no to the last because I've said yes to the first. It would make my risk assessment of the different scenarios different.

"You let your sisters boyfriend hold your baby, he MUST be able to have them overnight in another country otherwise you're a hypocrite! You let him hold him when it suited you!"

Yep

Woah. Okay, to clear up a few things here. I was feeling annoyed and deflated yesterday. I'm certainly not going to be walking away from the relationship I have with my DSC. Things will continue as normal. Our relationship isn't going to change because of this. I'm planning some fun things for next weekend as it's the Bank Holiday weekend. We are still full steam ahead with our UK family holiday plans for next August. Nothing is going to change because of this. Despite the fact sometimes it doesn't feel appreciated by DH, all that I do. It doesn't matter because I don't do it for him. I do it for them.

Another point to address by a PP, yes, I would have arranged adequate travel insurance with enhanced covid cover and I would have made sure I had spare money available for our trip for emergency situations.

Fair enough, OP, it was your post about stepping back, leaving them to it and just focusing on your own child but I appreciate that we all say things in a moan that we don't really mean!

I'd honestly just let this go as something disappointing but not really something to read much more into. Good luck to you.

I hope you're ok Op as you sound very taken advantage of by your DH - you were very young when you got together and he already had quite a few children (4 I think, from my understanding of what you've written here). That's a lot for a 17 year old to take on. Please take care of yourself.

@Bananarama21would you let your children go on holiday with an aunt or uncle?

Also, without wishing to patronise you, I tend to agree with Jacqueline.

Is it at all possible that you're projecting a legitimate grievance you may feel towards your DH if you take on the bulk of childcare while his children are at your house onto the children's mother because it's less complicated to see her as the issue?

No need to answer me, of course, just one to think about.

I’m not sure why I’m bothering because op is determined to feel a martyr and paint her DSCs mum as a nasty witch but…

My niece is 27 and mother to a three year old, she is absolutely lovely, and a brilliant mum. When she wants to take my teens out for the day, I’m grateful. It’s good for all of them. But if she wanted to take them abroad on holiday I would 100% say no, because

1. it’s a huge responsibility
2. Parenting teens is different from parenting little kids
3. I’m not confident she could enforce proper boundaries on her own overnight
4. I would be concerned that if anything went wrong, she might not have the life experience to manage it
5. I think my teens would not feel safe as she’s a fun relative rather than a serious one
6. She doesn’t have parental responsibility so legally if there was a health or legal problem, there might be an issue.
7. I would think she hadn’t thought it through.

It’s possible that one of these is op’s DSC’s mum’s issue - or something else. Op seems determined to think the mum just hates op and wants to be a cow. It doesn’t seem a very healthy dynamic for the kids.

Unfortunately for op it’s the right of the actual parents to make this decision for the 14 year old. It might be better if she just accepts it with good grace.

Oh and I have a DSM, who is lovely and in fact see more than my actual mum, so don’t start with the ‘you’re a SM hater’ BS, thanks.

I went away with people who weren’t my parents when I was a teenager. I went abroad at 13 with my friend and her parents.
Really what is the difference? My friend’s mum could have been on her own and my parents still would have let me go.

It would be interesting to know what the ex would say if the op’s ILs offered to take the children away. Somehow I bet that would be seen differently.

I’d be twitchy about my 14yo going. Sounds like you want quite an adult girls’ break and see them more as friends than people you’re responsible for (I mean, obv this is more appropriate with the 18yo). I’d worry about boundaries and be concerned the girls might end up in situations they couldn’t handle.

I must say, you are very young to have an 18yo step daughter. You won’t be the first or last but as a mother to a little girl I’d be horrified if ExH wanted to introduce my 11yo to an older girl still in her first round of full time education as a caregiver. You sound like you do a lot for them- I hope you’re not being taken advantage of and have time to maintain your own friendships around childcare.

@CrumpetsForAll

I’d be twitchy about my 14yo going. Sounds like you want quite an adult girls’ break and see them more as friends than people you’re responsible for (I mean, obv this is more appropriate with the 18yo). I’d worry about boundaries and be concerned the girls might end up in situations they couldn’t handle.

I must say, you are very young to have an 18yo step daughter. You won’t be the first or last but as a mother to a little girl I’d be horrified if ExH wanted to introduce my 11yo to an older girl still in her first round of full time education as a caregiver. You sound like you do a lot for them- I hope you’re not being taken advantage of and have time to maintain your own friendships around childcare.

That is thoughtless and a little mean.

It's her call and you need to respect it.

I'd be more concerned about your DH tbh and his apparent lack of a moral compass.

Lack of moral compass?!