To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

You sound like a fantastic SM OP.

Here you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

As for the DM wanting a 1st...she's had 18 years to arrange a holiday abroad!

Have a great holiday.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

But isn't step mum bingo the point of this thread? Dripfeeding information about there being more DCs. Ignoring any questions that could make the mum's stance seem reasonable. Equating a beach trip with a first holiday abroad. It's all about the OP. The DCs' wishes are completely absent.

What a load of old shit. She hasn't equated a beach trip with a holiday abroad. She's given MANY examples of her spending time with these children doing both fun things and boring parenting this. The DCs wishes are not absent at all. This says much more about you than it does about op.

I’ve maybe missed it but if you have their father’s permission then you can take them during his contact time? You don’t need the mother’s permission if dad has PR.

If they have never been abroad before maybe this is a "first" that their DM would like to do with them? You could be stepping on her toes by offering.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

But isn't step mum bingo the point of this thread? Dripfeeding information about there being more DCs. Ignoring any questions that could make the mum's stance seem reasonable. Equating a beach trip with a first holiday abroad. It's all about the OP. The DCs' wishes are completely absent.

What questions haven't I answered? Yes, there are more DCs. Including my own DC who I'm not taking away. I'm not excluding the other DC. I was planning a girls trip, just for the girls. I already explained the boys would be having a fun weekend with their Dad that same weekend. Doing boy things they like to do. I have already said I'd be happy to take the boys separately once they're older. Youngest DSS is only 10 and still at primary. So I would be waiting until he is a similar age to the youngest girl at 14. I wasn't equating a Beach trip to a holiday abroad. I was simply explaining that I spend a lot of time alone with the DSC. I have a good relationship with them, etc. It's all context.

No one has to ask her permission for the 18 year old. Ask the 18 year old if she wants to go. Tell the 14 year old you will do a trip with her when she is 18. All this "having dh ask is 18 year old can go" is ridiculous. Why give her power over something she has no power in?

You haven’t answered whether you are much younger or whether you have any relationship with their mum at all?
I wouldn’t allow someone I didn’t know to take my kids abroad, a 14 year old is still a child and needs a responsible adult around rather than a ‘girls weekend’. How does she know any of that if you have no relationship with her? I also wouldn’t take 2 children away abroad and not the other 2. Surely the compromise is that you all go together? You can still swim and whatever and if you want to do a spa or similar then you could do that one day.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

No one has to ask her permission for the 18 year old. Ask the 18 year old if she wants to go. Tell the 14 year old you will do a trip with her when she is 18. All this "having dh ask is 18 year old can go" is ridiculous. Why give her power over something she has no power in?

Yes, I know. I just thought it was more respectful toward their DM to ask first about the 18 year old.

@Reallyreallyborednow

I did wonder about asking DM if just the 18 year old could come but I feel terrible for the 14 year old because we all get on so well and equally, as sisters, they are best friends. It seems cruel to go without her

Chances are though if you invite just the 18 year old they will both put pressure on the mum to let the other go.

Exactly what I thought!

Just tell the 18yo you are going and will pay for her if she wants to come.

Tell the youngest she would be welcome but her mum doesn't feel comfortable but you'll do the same for her when she's 18.

If they have never been abroad before maybe this is a "first" that their DM would like to do with them? You could be stepping on her toes by offering

She’s had 14 years to take them away if it’s so important to her as a “first”. The
18 year old can go on her own if she wants, so it’s unlikely that will happen now.

Think she’s missed the boat on that “first”.

@BungleandGeorge

You haven’t answered whether you are much younger or whether you have any relationship with their mum at all? I wouldn’t allow someone I didn’t know to take my kids abroad, a 14 year old is still a child and needs a responsible adult around rather than a ‘girls weekend’. How does she know any of that if you have no relationship with her? I also wouldn’t take 2 children away abroad and not the other 2. Surely the compromise is that you all go together? You can still swim and whatever and if you want to do a spa or similar then you could do that one day.

Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean it's wrong. And I actually think the age thing is offensive. I am younger than dps ex but I'm a much better parent than her. Age is irrelevant unless up is literally a child herself, which she clearly is not.

@Reallyreallyborednow

If they have never been abroad before maybe this is a "first" that their DM would like to do with them? You could be stepping on her toes by offering

She’s had 14 years to take them away if it’s so important to her as a “first”. The
18 year old can go on her own if she wants, so it’s unlikely that will happen now.

Think she’s missed the boat on that “first”.

Of course, because everyone has the disposable income for passports and trips abroad especially if they are a single parent.

We have no idea if she is single

Oooft as a single mother who’s never been able to afford to take my DDs (13 and 10) abroad (we went twice with ExDP before we split up, but they were 4/2 and 5/3) that would sting like fuck but - if their SM had been in their lives for 6 years with no issues then I’d absolutely let them go, because DCs are the ones that would be the most hurt by a flat no from me.

@54321nought

You could possibly have difficulty at any border you tried to cross with a 14 year old who is not any blood relation

She's in a relationship with their father and he just writes a letter of permission.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

But isn't step mum bingo the point of this thread? Dripfeeding information about there being more DCs. Ignoring any questions that could make the mum's stance seem reasonable. Equating a beach trip with a first holiday abroad. It's all about the OP. The DCs' wishes are completely absent.

Because the D.C. haven't been asked Not even the adult one who could go without any adult permission

I have mentioned a girly trip abroad to them before and both have jumped at the idea. I just didn't mention it to them specfically when I was going to book it incase their Mum said no because I didn't want them to be disappointed!

@itsgettingwierd yet women on the Lone Parent board are repeatedly told that they must seek permission of their child’s father who has been absent for years before even considering taking their child abroad, but on this board there is never a letter from the other parent needed? This place is strange at times.

ExDP has taken our DCs abroad multiple times since we split and I’ve always written a letter, however he hasn’t been stopped once, nor were his parents when they took DDs abroad .

[quote SpaceBethSmith]@itsgettingwierd yet women on the Lone Parent board are repeatedly told that they must seek permission of their child’s father who has been absent for years before even considering taking their child abroad, but on this board there is never a letter from the other parent needed? This place is strange at times.

ExDP has taken our DCs abroad multiple times since we split and I’ve always written a letter, however he hasn’t been stopped once, nor were his parents when they took DDs abroad .[/quote]
I split from ds dad when he was a baby's and we moved back here when he was 2.

No idea where his dad was address wise for years but do know he lived in Germany with his now EW for a few years.

I travelled abroad with ds every year for years.

I was quite surprised when MN was adamant I'd never be allowed to take him from the country without his fathers permission

Hang on - why does the Mum get the final say? Presumably their father/ your partner says yes?

@Bananarama21

It's different if their dad was coming who had parental responsibility incase anything happened abroad.

My kids variously have been abroad with scouts, a music project, a friend’s dad (and friend), extended no n blood family.

None of whom had parental responsibility.

This is their step mum.

Yes, of course her wishes have to be respected. But that doesn’t mean her decision isn’t shitty for the kids.

I don’t think there’s any indication at all of how old she is?
People are offering reasons why the Mum might have said no and why the Dad is not disagreeing with that. None of these kids have been abroad, I wouldn’t take 2 and leave the others. Other parents can make other decisions but that is the prerogative of those parents.
I’m not sure why a 10 and 13 year old are any more hassle than a 14 year old? I’d be wondering what activities she wanted to do that wouldn’t be suitable for them. It’s actually quite important whether they’ve met or have a relationship because that’s where trust comes from, and it takes a lot of that to allow someone to take a child abroad.

@BungleandGeorge

I don’t think there’s any indication at all of how old she is? People are offering reasons why the Mum might have said no and why the Dad is not disagreeing with that. None of these kids have been abroad, I wouldn’t take 2 and leave the others. Other parents can make other decisions but that is the prerogative of those parents. I’m not sure why a 10 and 13 year old are any more hassle than a 14 year old? I’d be wondering what activities she wanted to do that wouldn’t be suitable for them. It’s actually quite important whether they’ve met or have a relationship because that’s where trust comes from, and it takes a lot of that to allow someone to take a child abroad.

Realistically most people don't have a relationship with their exs wife do they? But most people recognise that their exs wife has a good relationship with their children (if they do of course!) And that is what matters.

You don't need to be pally with someone to realise they have a good relationship with your children.

@itsgettingwierd yes, because passport control have nothing better to do than try to track down absent parents to check they’re okay… I have DD5 and I’d piss myself if he attempted to stop me taking abroad

I wonder if the ex is worried about the combination of 18/14 - one wanting to go off to clubs, what if she just fucks off? How would you find her? What if she got horribly drunk and needed medical attention? (Just musing over what I would have done at 18/19/20 but then I was a bit of a horror bag!)

OP won’t answer the question of how much she knows their Mum. She isn’t even able to speak to her directly about this she goes through their Dad. Which may be the right way but have they even met each other? I think it’s quite normal to have some sort of relationship if the step mum is heavily involved in their life. If you want to take the kids away without their actual parent I think it’s unreasonable to expect to do that if you have no relationship at all with their Mum. I’m not suggesting they need to be best friends but are they strangers?