Curious - Just wondered if I am normal to feel like this ??

[babbi]

Hi ,

Am new here and just wondered if I am normal to feel put out by this ?

Met DH 18 months after wife left him with two kids , now 8 years ago.
Have SS 22 (who lives with DH and I and always has done ) SD 20 who now lives with her mother. Always have got on great with both Skids - never any issues with them.
Now DH and I have 2 YO DD, who both Skids love dearly.
However ex- wife refuses to have DD in her home ( she allowed Skids to take DD there once just to see her) - DD is simply not welcome there and SD has advised that she asked her mother to explain why she felt like that about her baby sister - Mother apparently said "I don`t know why I feel like that - I just do !"

However my sister recently had a DD and asked my SD to be Godmother (as I said Skids , myself, my family etc all get along famously ). Said God daughter (my niece) is most welcome at Ex`s home to the extent that at only nine months has spent the night there ! SD and her mother babysat my niece overnight ! Then enjoyed a full days shopping outing with them the next day !

I feel really annoyed that my niece is extremely welcome , but my DD is not !

I know that I shouldnt let it bother me but as sis and I are so close , DD and niece are together almost daily I cant help thinking that before long DD will ask how her cousin can go and she can`t ??

I know I am being silly and sensitive but feel a bit better at writing this down- thanks for taking the time to read this far !

Am I over sensitive ??

I got halfwaythrough and thought - well if ex feels like that then let her get on with it - your dd is no relation to her after all, but then i read on....and I can see why you're upset. However it probably is your relationship to ex (via her exdh) that is the crux - your sis's dd is no relation either but is ex's dd's goddaughter.(confused? I am) So you might have to just lump it - or ask sd to be your dd's godmother too, and see how far that get's you? Personally I'd leave ex well out of it, your dd will have other people she can stay with that neice won't.

I wouldn't want your dd to be at mine regardless of any situation. But thats just my view. It is her ex husbands child with another woman after all.

Message withdrawn

She had no qualms in letting you be a mother to her children so it's not like she wants no involvement with you full stop.

She is a bitter old boot. Be pleased to not have this woman in your DDs life.

It's not a great feeling to have your dd excluded while another family member is made to feel welcome but the bottom line is that you can't change how she feels. I don't have any expectation that ds would be welcome in dh's ex's house. Her feelings may change over time but I'm sure it is one thing to see your ex with someone and quite another to watch them have a child together.

YANBU to feel as you do but don't spend too much time worrying about something you can't change.

I can see why your feelings would be hurt by this, so you are not being oversensitive.

But just remember that these are her issues (ex wifes) and nothing to do with you or your dd personally. The fact that she said "I don`t know why I feel like that - I just do !", implies she has personal reasons but can see it's not really rational.

I think all you can do is accept it and be happy about the fact that your DD has a good relationship with her SSisters.

It's because it's her ex husband's child, I think. Perhaps she feels it should have been her child. Your niece is not so emotionally loaded.

hard for you, I have a lot of sympathy.

Thanks very much to all for taking the trouble to reply .
I can see a good bit more clearly now !
I thought I was making a nice "gesture" in sending gifts to ex from little one at Xmas etc, ensuring all were aware that I was happy for DD to visit there etc as I thought ex would be feeling really left out as SS and SD are so involved with DD - I kinda thought that I would hate to be excluded from such a big part of my kids lives and thought she might enjoy being included ! Also Skids love taking DD everywhere ! It was to make things easier to rebond with their mother for them .
It was well intended but I feel a bit stupid now !
Can now see that she might be struggling as she has said that leaving ex and having no contact with her kids for years was the biggest mistake of her life (only told to me this morning ) - maybe to see DD ( double of her Daddy and therefore SD also at same age ) maybe too much memories of happier times ?
So sorry , I had presumed she was happy with her lot , feel shitty for whinging now !

Thanks to all - really appreciate your help x

Babbi - just curious/nosey, but when you send gifts to ex from your dd, who do you address them to? Dear stepmum-once-removed? Dear half-step-sisters-mum?
Just nosey.

Hi Sparky babe

Just put to EX name from DD Name , she was happy with that and sent a nice little card back , then followed it with a little gift for DD`s birthday . So a little indirect contact seems to be ok .
Maybe just seeing DD is too much ??
These things maybe just take time ??

Bab - maybe she just wants to see dd as one of her more - peripheral - family? I don't really see what the prob is, but I can seee that you are being really nice to her!
More than I would be in your situation.