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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to have said no, just because I don't want to.

29 replies

FloppingDisaster · 15/12/2020 22:18

Last minute tonight, about 8pm, DH has been asked to take the children to school tomorrow (they are at their mums).

When they are with us, I take them 9 times out of 10 to school.

But you know what, I just don't want to tomorrow. I'm tired, I can't be arsed getting up to do the whole breakfast routine (they'll get dropped off early morning), sitting in traffic trying to get home for 9am to start work and so on.

I've said DH will have to nip home from work and do it this time. He starts early but can leave to do this and only works round the corner.

Mostly it's just because I don't want to this time and I think for once he can. Especially as it's so last minute.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JayAlfredPrufrock · 15/12/2020 22:19

His kids.

funinthesun19 · 15/12/2020 22:22

Yanbu. Don’t do it! They’re his kids so he can do it.

SecretRedhead · 15/12/2020 22:44

Absolutely not unreasonable. Not your problem at all. This is mums time, arranging school drop off is her job. If he agrees to help, HE helps, not you.

slipperywhensparticus · 15/12/2020 22:46

He agreed to parent his own children he can parent his own children

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2020 22:47

Did he agree to help her out because he planned on you doing it?

You’re absolutely right to say no. What was his response? No reason you should be doing it 9 out of 10 times. They have two parents, you’re not either of them.

Hope you get a lie in.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 22:48

I don't know why you're taking them to school so much to begin with, honestly. I would be changing that. His kids, his responsibility.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 15/12/2020 22:49

Of course YANBU. They’re his kids = his responsibility.

Why do you usually end up doing it 9 times out of 10?

SandyY2K · 16/12/2020 00:27

If you didn't do it it 9 times out of 10, what would he do? Why does it fall to you?

YANBU

Blacktothepink · 16/12/2020 00:31

His kids his responsibility. Don’t do it anymore, these men take the piss with this shit.

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2020 00:31

YANBU.

I never understand why women (& it is always women), take over the major drudgery of childcare of their partners children.

No you shouldn’t if you don’t want to. Is he incredibly greatful that you do 9 times out of 10?

Youseethethingis · 16/12/2020 17:00

What did your DH actually say when you said he’d have to do it?

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 17:03

9 out of 10 times doesn’t mean much if spread over three years for example! How often?

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 17:05

* His kids his responsibility*

Legally. But if you actually want to build a family with a new family that is harmonious in the long term, this stance isn’t compatible with that.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 16/12/2020 17:11

YANBU , if he chooses to say yes then he does it.

My DP is brilliant and before this year and working away a lot he regularly took DC to school ,at one point just before lockdown more than me because my work hours were nuts.

However if I agreed to something like this then he would be completely within his rights to say I needed to do it. He wouldn't just to be an arse but that's not what you are doing . You are tired and don't want to. It's totally fair to say no.

Absolute rubbish that this stance isn't compatible.

It wouldn't be compatible if you refused outright ever to do it , if you share a home and a life with a parent it's not unreasonable to do it when available , happy to , in general normal family life. However why can't you say no in this situation , being a step parent doesn't mean being a doormat.

For what it's worth I am the resident parent living with (unmarried) a step parent and I would view this as fair.

Youseethethingis · 16/12/2020 17:13

Ok then.
“My kids = some woman I just mets responsibility”

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 17:25

@Youseethethingis

Ok then. “My kids = some woman I just mets responsibility”

Responsibility to respect her rules whilst in her home, whether that be no TV before 6, do certain chores, refrain from sweating, not to have technology at the table etc.

So his, responsibility but if a different kind.

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 17:29

Swearing!

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 17:29

so yes, responsibility, but if a different kind

RedMarauder · 16/12/2020 17:32

@Hellotheresweet

* His kids his responsibility*

Legally. But if you actually want to build a family with a new family that is harmonious in the long term, this stance isn’t compatible with that.

Actually, step-parents need to make their boundaries clear from the beginning to have a harmonious long term future.

If the OP's DH can't be bothered to find out if his wife is free when he agrees to look after his own kids from another woman, then he needs to look after them himself.

pringlebells · 16/12/2020 17:33

Yanbu

Songbird232018 · 16/12/2020 19:25

Why can't mum??

Hellotheresweet · 16/12/2020 20:03

Agreed
But she hasn’t set the boundaries (9 out of 10 times)

Longdistance · 16/12/2020 20:05

Not your problem.

funinthesun19 · 16/12/2020 20:24

Legally. But if you actually want to build a family with a new family that is harmonious in the long term, this stance isn’t compatible with that.

I’ll tell you what stance isn’t compatible. The dad agreeing to do xyz when the mum asks, and then his partner is left to do it. There is nothing harmonious about that.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/12/2020 21:28

But she hasn’t set the boundaries (9 out of 10 times)

How hasn't she set boundaries? OP says "When they are with us, I take them 9 times out of 10 to school."

The DC aren't due to be with them, it's purely as a favour to mum in this instance. It has zero to do with the school run arrangements OP's household makes during their scheduled contact times.

I never cease to be amazed at the determination that some posters show in order to twist every conceivable scenario around to being the step mum's fault.

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