My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

You don’t, on the quiet, get off on having the two most important women in your life effectively fighting over you, do you?

It may just be your style of commenting but you seem very willing to let this ride without making some decisions and taking definite action. @MillyMollyFarmer is right, this is down to you.

You sound a bit like my DB; he is mild and “a lovely man”, does what he’s told, keeps the peace, loves his children. Yet he’s managed to cause massive hurt in his two marriages (and therefore hurt his children) by being a moral coward and never showing a backbone. He’s left two wives always because he’s put himself in an unhappy situation by going along with things even though he’s knows he’s married the wrong person who he originally didn’t want to say “no” to. Then he jumps ship saying he was never happy. I wish he’d take charge and not flipflop around. I know it’s different from your situation but it’s an example of more hurt being caused by taking the mild peacekeeper role instead of making some difficult but strong choices for the good of those depending on you.

dump the bitch. Seriously.

Your wife is unreasonable and the fact you even have to ask is a concern.

I feel for your DD.

What happens when there is an event that you, your DW and DD are invited to and DW will enforce an ultimatum -"If you go, we are over"

Nip this behvaiour in the bud now. Who does not answer the phone to their daughter or see them because wicked step mum would get upset? I don't think your wife is very nice, at best immature and selfish - I think you could do better.

Your wife sounds deranged, honestly, if your post is the dead truth and there isn't a massive dripped that your daughter did something terrible.
Your daughter lost her mum tragically young. After you being the centre of her whole world for a while, you meet another woman and she suddenly has a stepmother and site-siblings - a huge adjustment for your daughter, and it sounds like it was tough for her.
Your wife moved out. But still seems to hold a grudge to the extent that you can't even mention your daughters name in her presence?
Your daughter is willing to move on and meet her and make amends, but your wife refuses? Wife sounds childish.

My honest view is you have to choose between them. Who you choose is obviously up to you.

Your wife sounds awful but you're also at fault - essentially dumping your daughter on a woman you'd just met to focus on your work and expecting her to parent your child in your absence.
The only person I feel sorry for in this scenario is your daughter.
It's not too late to put her first.

Wow. No wonder your daughter had a tough time. Losing her mum, dad working away etc, new woman and children in her life. She probably just felt confused about the world whilst she was still so young.

You say your daughter has turned into a lovely young woman yet your wife won't have anything to do with her? Ditch the wife. Your daughter sounds more of an adult than your wife!

I feel so sorry for your daughter. It sounds like you let her down badly.
I’m not sure wether your wife had the children dumped on her and struggled with a grieving child acting out (and handled it terribly) or she’s a total bitch. Either way if you want to make amends call time on the relationship with your wife and concentrate on being a good father for once.

Ask yourself @dad4, would your first wife and DDs mother have been Ok with your wife controlling the relationship you have with DD? With hating her, and showing it?

Tell your wife that your Daughter will be visiting and dropping in whenever the hell she feels like it

You missed the point. They don't live together; two independent households. OP lives in hbis home with DD and DS and says he will never leave them. IOW he has no intention of moving in with his wife, and equally clearly, she has no intention of moving back to his place. She spent years coping with 4 kids under ten, without his support, while he worked away, had "mood swings" etc.

       There  has to be  far more to  OP's cockeyed relationship  with the woman who left him .  He has mood swings. He didn't support her  as a parent to  FOUR KIDS UNDER 10.  He downplays (then and still now)  the family  problems she had as "just small stuff, childish things".  Now he wants to play lets-pretend  happy families all over again. 

         On his terms. Not hers.

Ops daughter is no longer a child she is a grown woman. Has your wife given reasons as to why she feels the way she does about her?

Blended families are hard it's not a case of the usual 'you knew what you were getting into' Kids change, they grow up and aren't the little darlings we might have fallen in love with when first embarking on a new relationship.

A child's needs come first not always their wants. There's a reason your wife feels like she does I'm not saying don't go your separate ways but an honest conversation between you is needed.

FYI - I never stopped parenting my daughter

Okay well firstly... You did. You did do this because you left your children for your wife to parent whilst you went off to set up a business. It sounds like she was resentful of that at the time and tbh I don't blame her, I would not want to be left looking after two children that weren't mine on my own all the time whilst their parent swanned off.

However, that does absolutely not excuse your wife's behaviour now (or for the past 10 years). I don't necessarily think moving out was a bad thing, she was showing you her boundaries, that she didn't want to be a mum to your children and wanted to leave the majority of care to you. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that. But hating your daughter? I don't get it. Why? My step kids drive me up the wall sometimes (similar age to your daughter at the time) but I don't hate them. I can't think of anything they could really do, in terms of general annoying children things, that could make me hold a grudge on them for 10 years.

What does your wife give as her reasons? Because she played up a bit 10 years ago and tried on her make-up? Really? Is that really why she hates her?

If it is then leave. I'd really be (and have been before) hurt if my dad stayed in a relationship knowing the other party hated me. I've been there before when I was a little younger than your daughter now, about 17 and my dad also wasn't allowed to speak to me without telling her, was told to take my pictures down because it looked like a 'shrine to me', I wasn't allowed to wear a nightie in front of my dad because it was inappropriate (a bog standard knee length nightie ) and loads of other things all designed to make me feel really uncomfortable. It was really awkward for me living in that house knowing how this woman felt about me for no reason. She treated me like the OW, it was awful. I too didn't have my mum, it was just me and my dad at the time. Thankfully he told her to fuck off in the end.

I feel sorry for your wife. I too hate my SD. I’d walk hot coals for her, I would jump in front of a bus for her but I hate her. I’m not a bad person, not everyone in life gets on and your DD obviously pulled a lot of crap to get this reaction from her. Your wife shouldn’t be judged, she knows it looks bad, she knows what she should be doing but for some reason she can’t forgive and forget. Previous posters are forgetting she left you and done the right thing. You came back to her. She’s got nothing to complain about, she’s happy now, she has her own home, a husband who loves her and no horrible children making her life a misery, why would she want to go back again. God if I never saw my SD again I would be so happy but I’ve chosen to put my DH first so I still put up with her presence occasionally but on the understanding if there is any nonsense she is not welcome in my home. Some people really have no idea how it feels to be so disrespected by your partners children. To keep giving, paying, to always feel a failure, it’s crushing. Your always told it’s not SDs fault, she’s just a child, her mum died, it was a trauma. Those sorts of comments just make you feel worse, it does nothing to resolve the situation. They are true facts and yes awful for any child to go through but just saying she was a child doesn’t help resolve anything. If it was me it would piss me off even more. I’d be thinking what about me, validate my feelings don’t just excuse her behaviour. My friend died two years ago, her children were brats before and they still are, I love them fiercely but I’m not naive to think they will not make any potential SMs life hell.

Tbh I can completely see why she feels that way if you went away for work and she was left looking after your kids, especially if they were hard work. That would be absolute hell for me. I think she is carrying a lot of resentment that she is misdirecting. You sound like you understand her POV which is a positive thing in terms of the relationship being salvagable, but perhaps the two of you would benefit from counselling to help her make peace with that part of her life and forgive the things you could have done better. If she can't do that then ultimately the relationship is doomed because the resentment is clearly eating away at her. But it could work if she was willing to open up about her honest feelings.

@Witchymclovely I wouldn’t walk hot coals or jump in front of a bus for my step kids. Maybe when they were younger but they’ve grown into little gits who neither my DH or I have anything to do with. SMS get a tough reception on here, it’s always our fault. But the OPs wife sounds unhinged in hating kids

Anyone, regardless of the relationship, who tended, watered, and ferilized a garden of anger, animosity, and grudges for 10 years, can only offer you the opportunity to stroll down Misery Lane with them.

If you want to be open to the joy and happiness that the future can hold for you, it won't be found with a partner or spouse who never stopped looking back.

Let this woman and her closely held misery go so that the 2 of you might both have a chance at finding a future untainted by old grudges and long cherished misery.

Life is not so long that you want misery to be your companion on that journey. You have the possibility of new discoveries and grand children to look forward to in your future. Your wife's journey will involve looking back and fertilizing old grudges.

Which journey do you wish to take?

@FlorenceNightshade I agree SMs do get a hard time. But I do hate my SD, I’m not proud of it but I don’t feel guilt anymore but I’m not unhinged, a bit weird maybe. I do wish things could have been different which must been I’m a nice person really.

My gosh your poor daughter, lost her mum then had a cold hard stepmother not be kind to her and still bears a grudge. Daughter wins this one all day long. Poor girl she sounds lovely. Wife should know better especially if she has kids of her own

She’s allowed to not be happy about the past. She’s entitled to those feelings. She’s not going to look back at when your daughter was a child and think “Oh what happy wonderful memories they were looking after my stepdaughter all the time when she didn’t behave for me and my partner never stuck up for me.” That will hold some resentment towards both of you. Your daughter was a child, but your wife also had and has a life too. I’m glad she moved out and out herself and her child first if she was that unhappy with the situation.

I do think that if she wants to be with you, she will have to accept that she will at some point be in the same room as your daughter and you will do things with her and talk to her on the phone. I think it’s unrealistic of her to expect that to never happen. But she also doesn’t need to go out of her way to meet up with your daughter for lunch or phone her for a chat. It just needs to stay polite and simple.

and no horrible children making her life a misery,

Wow. How on earth can you call these children ‘horrible’, there’s nothing here to validate that. Anyone who hates their stepchildren should do them a favour and leave, permanently. Hate is a strong word, using it for your partners children is truly awful. You can’t be with someone if you hate their kids, that’s just not fair or healthy.

@MillyMollyFarmer The Op’s wife did exactly that - she left her husband, took her children and moved out of the house. People don’t do something like that on a whim. The OP’s daughter lost her mum and was grieving. Whilst she may have had a reason for acting out, it doesn’t mean that the person on the receiving end should have to put up with it just because it’s a child. How many people do you know who leave their husband because their child took a few toys or played with make up? The Op is clearly not being entirely honest about what happened and to what degree his child made his wives and her children’s life difficult. I do really feel for the daughter as she must have been suffering but for the wife to have this level of dislike, there must be much more to the story.

Sunshineandsparkle Yes but she got back with a man when she openly states she hates his daughter. She didn’t break up permanently.
No I’m afraid that not all step parents ‘have a good reason’, I’m sorry to say. My father was utterly horrendous to my half brother and he was a normal kid. My husbands SM just couldn’t let her resentment for his dead mother go, they never did anything to warrant her disdain. I find it hard to accept children are at fault in situations like this, it’s rare that it is the issue. They’re children. It’s usually something going on between the adults they project onto the children. What kind of grown adult blames a 10 year old kid.

[quote Sunshineandsparkle]@MillyMollyFarmer The Op’s wife did exactly that - she left her husband, took her children and moved out of the house. People don’t do something like that on a whim. The OP’s daughter lost her mum and was grieving. Whilst she may have had a reason for acting out, it doesn’t mean that the person on the receiving end should have to put up with it just because it’s a child. How many people do you know who leave their husband because their child took a few toys or played with make up? The Op is clearly not being entirely honest about what happened and to what degree his child made his wives and her children’s life difficult. I do really feel for the daughter as she must have been suffering but for the wife to have this level of dislike, there must be much more to the story.[/quote]
I share your view @Sunshineandsparkle. The OP’s follow-up comments have been far from elucidatory.

Blended families can be tricky.
We only have one persons view point on here and it is hard to tell what’s what. Everyone in this family unit will have had a part in this situation and a view on the cause and effect. However, to move forward I would seriously consider some kind of family mediation here if you all truly want this family unit to work.

Anyone who hates their stepchildren should do them a favour and leave, permanently.

Luckily for the wife she did that and she stayed away which was an extremely smart move.

Hate is a strong word, using it for your partners children is truly awful. You can’t be with someone if you hate their kids, that’s just not fair or healthy.

It’s not fair or healthy for the stepparent too.

But you know what, it’s not easy when you have an unsupportive partner or a lazy partner. It sucks any scrap of joy out of stepparenting and it does affect the way the stepparent feels towards their stepchildren. The parent of the child has a massive part to play in the way it’s going to go. The role becomes more of a chore than a pleasure when it doesn’t go well.

A lot of the time, it isn’t just as simple as the stepmum hating the child. There’s usually something going on in the background. And for a lot of stepmums, it’s not about hate. It’s about being exhausted and unbearably miserable in the role that they’re in. There’s a huge difference. But either way, the stepmum doesn’t need to live that life.

The role becomes more of a chore than a pleasure when it doesn’t go well.

The stepparenting role, that is.