My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

@charmsofasimplelife

My goodness I feel sorry for your daughter.

You seem besotted with your wife and you come across and trying to please her....but at the expense of your daughter?
'God knows what would happen in an emergency' seriously?

Your wife sounds like a piece of work. You sound like you need to grow a pair.

Well I did say I can handle home-truths lol!

I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, always have and always will. Yep, you're right about growing a pair

From this I read, your daughter made her daughters life miserable. She then left you as you wouldn’t resolve the situation and she couldn’t let her daughter live in that environment. Nobody would have such strong feelings against a child over taking the odd toy or trying on her make-up.

There are some glossed-over parts in your story that I suspect might shed some light on what's actually going on.

You said that it was a "whirlwind romance" and that "after being together for a while" you proposed and she moved in. Was this quite a short timeframe? Reading through the lines, it sounds like neither you or your wife really thought through what this romance would mean, nor did you really prepare your kids for the change.

You say that you "started to spend a lot of time away." Was it fairly quickly after your wife moved in? What does "a lot of time away" really mean, and what was your new wife expected to do while you were away?

I can imagine something reasonable, but I could also imagine that she moved in quite quickly, and that a few months after you married you started leaving for weeks at a time, leaving your new wife with her kids, your two kids, a job, and a house to manage. Your daughter, at an age where kids test boundaries and dealing with an enormous amount of change, pushes those boundaries while you're gone. And when you come back, instead of having your wife's back, you play down her difficulties.

You don't have to answer any of these questions for us. But you should answer them for yourself.

Where I entirely agree with you, though, is that your wife should have been angry with you and not with your child. It wasn't your daughter's fault--it was a bad situation (of your own making, but you seem own that a bit). I don't blame her in the least for leaving. I do think her anger is misdirected, and at this point irrational and petty.

If there's any hope of this working, I'd try some family counseling.

TBH someone who felt that way towards my child would not be in my life..

if it is as you say then my DS has done those things, i love the bones of him...

The fact you say you had nood swings, was away from home, none of that was created by your DD, Idon't think you have a future together.

@dottiedodah

I think your wife is being unfair here TBH. However she may have felt threatenend by your DD and the close bond you have with her .I dont think much will change really ,and probably become worse as your DD gets older has her own DC and so on .Blended families are very tricky to navigate ,and are sometimes worse if the child has one parent who has died .That parent becomes eulogised and the Step mum or dad can do nothing right! I was in a similar position as a child as well!

Thank you @dottiedodah - Yes, I think about nothing else regarding my kids growing older and starting their own families

Did you have any other children besides DD. If so, how were they treated and were they hated as well. warning signals here ten years ago.

@tornadoalley

Your wife sounds horrendous. How on earth can an adult woman/mother 'hate' a 10 year old child and carry on hating her for 10 years? Thats incredibly nasty.

You obviously see something loveable in your second wife (god knows what) so you have no choice than to see your daughter separately and give up all hope of a relationship between them. If you are prepared to put your marriage on the line, you can demand your wife at least allow you to mention your DD and take calls and talk to her. You can't force a meeting, but you can demand civility from your wife.

Good point @tornadoalley, thank you for your comments.

honestly it was just silly child things, stealing the odd toy from my wife's daughter, trying on their makeup. She certainly did not injure anyone or any pets. She was just being a child

If that’s the level of your DD’s past behaviour I don’t really understand why you can ‘understand’ your DW’s hatred of your daughter? Is there a bit of the story missing here because if that is all it took then your wife is a pretty cruel woman. And actually even if your DD behaved in a far worse way (Which would be totally understandable as a bereaved and displaced child), it still wouldn’t be acceptable behaviour from your wife.

What makes your wife’s behaviour understandable?

Not exactly the same but my DSD had the most awful tantrums last night and when she’s like that I’d quite cheerfully never clap eyes on her again if I’m honest. She’s lovely most of the time but when other people children play up it’s harder to tolerate than with your own, so I get your wife’s perspective on that.
What I don’t get is holding on to anger against a young child for more than a decade. That’s a conscious decision taken everyday single day of your wife’s life, long after the child has grown up into what sounds like a lovely young woman. Why has she wasted so much energy on this? What has it cost you, and will it cost you in the future with regards to adult relationships with your children and potentially their families one day? Is she worth it?

@AllsortsofAwkward

Youre wife sounds like a bitch, youre poor dc lost their mother had there dad to themselves then a woman comes in moves in with her dc hates them and they are left with them whilst their fsther works away. Has the makings of a cinderella story tbh. I think you failed to protect youre dc from this vile woman and continue to put her before them. How you could be with someone you can't even allow you meantion her name or take a phone call. What happens when you're dd has children will the grandchildren be treated like this. How do you treat her children.

I treat her children very well and have a great relationship with them

What are you hoping from this thread OP? Stop trying to excuse your wife’s behaviour, your daughter was a child and may have been a pain however, your wife was and still is an adult but it nasty about your child. She doesn’t love you, anyone who hates your children can’t love you. It’s not about handling home truths but how you handle dealing with the situation you are in now. If I was your daughter I would be totally upset that you happily spend time with someone who hated me (and continued to judge me) due to how I was at 9-10, especially as you say it was a whirlwind relationship and doesn’t sound like you took your time to introduce her to your children.

@tornadoalley

Do not allow your wife to dictate your relationship with your DD

This!! With bells on!! Your daughter sounds an amazing mature woman despite everything, don't ruin your future with her and choose that spiteful wife.

To me it feels like you need to take more responsibility for what happened. You started working away and left your children with your wife and gave her no support.

Have you told her that was wrong of you and apologised. Have you told your kids that was wrong of you and apologised.
Your wife clearly ha unresolved feelings about that and sadly they are aimed at the wrong person. I think your relationship needs to end and you both need to realise that this is because of the way the blending of your families was handled. She addressed it to a certain extent by moving out and prioritising her kids wellbeing. You have wanted to continue the relationship without dealing with these underlying issues and now it feels too late. It’s tragic really

I've read your update, you sound like decent person and have obviously done a great job with your kids. So please tell me why you're with that vile human being, like a pp said she must have nice features, but really you can't get much bette than her.

What about when the grandkids come along, she'll be seething with jealousy. Maybe you need some counselling as to why you're putting up with this toxic behaviour.

You can get much better than her!

Im sorry to read this OP, Im sorry for that grieving 9year old child left with her brother with a new Wife and step siblings in her home, her Mothers home, her safe haven. Im sorry your 2nd Wife felt her hand was forced into leaving that home and Im sorry she blamed a 9 year old grieving child, for that situation. Im also disappointed that even after 10 years your Wife is still living independently from you and is still blaming your now 20year old daughter. I would be interested in hearing your Wife's 'own' version of events because the reasons you have given don't appear to justify such an extreme response of setting up another home. I do feel your Wife has manipulated this entire situation to her own benefit, there is no other reason to hold this 'grudge' other than it suits her narrative and lifestyle. As it stands I agree with everyone on here who says, you should have divorced your 2nd Wife long ago. This is not your Daughters fault, you must see this now OP, you have been played like a finely tuned fiddle . 🌺

I feel sad reading your posts. My lovely kind amazing husband lost his Mum when he was young, and his father moved on very quickly to an extremely childish narcissistic person. Like your wife. The step mother made childhood sad and difficult, and as they became adults it only got worse. His Dad would continually ask him to try, apologise for ridiculous things etc but the SM would never ever be satisfied. His Dad died, with his wife next to him, but not his eldest son or the grandchild he wasn’t allowed to meet. The narcissism and paranoia of a sad woman, deprived a lot of people of a happy family. But my husbands biggest disappointment is the lack of respect he had for his father, he could never imagine putting anyone above his child.

To be blunt, this is on you. Your wife clearly has problems but you are the one that didn’t prioritise the happiness of your own children above your own. That’s what this is about. Your desire for your wife or your marriage, clearly at any cost. I’m afraid I don’t think people like you are even aware of the damage you cause your children, but I’m not sure you’d change if you did. Your wife isn’t the problem, you are. I’m sad for your daughter. I hope she is still able to manage successful relationships in her own life.

You don’t take phone calls from your DD because your wife doesn’t like it?!

Man up FFS!!

I can understand my wife's hatred

Can you? That’s super alarming. If someone hated my child it isn’t something I could possibly understand.

I agree with pp that there appears to be holes in the perspective you give and that these holes can only be filled in by your wife’s perspective on them.
In her position she probably felt abandoned with two grieving children who didn’t want her and her own dc to raise and her partner who was responsible for those children left and when he was around downplayed behaviour issues and didn’t listen to her leaving her no option but to leave.
Anger and hurt can turn to hatred if not addressed and grows over time. I do not blame your wife (who doesn’t seem to have had your support though much needed and in a traumatic position herself) or daughter (who obviously was suffering trauma), who were doing the best they could... you’ve conceded you could have done more. Unfortunately I don’t think things will turn out how you want. You say you live in the now but right now your wife hates your daughter and doesn’t want her in her life. She’s made that clear to you and if you want to continue with her you need to listen to her, the only way I see this happening is as you are doing and keeping them separate and as others have said make sure your will is very clear.

Your daughter must feel so let down by you. Imagine how she feels knowing her only parent is carrying on his relationship with a woman who hates her. Where's your loyalty to your daughter? Why are tolerating this woman disrespecting and being so cruel to your daughter like this?

You put 2nd wife in a terrible situation, caring for four disrupted kids while you swanned off on business. Leaving her to cope with the aftermath of your kids losing one mother and getting a substitute. When entirely predictable problems arose, you failed to support her. You let your daughter rule the roost, call the shots, and you're still minimising what DD got up to.

When that burden became unbearable for W2 and no doubt equally horrible for her kids ,she had to disrupt them and move home for a second time . YOU "were devastated". Imagine how W2 and her kids felt.

I'm not very surprised that after such a bitter experience she will never risk any repetition with your DD.

Can you not see that you're repeating your past mistake? W2 says "It's too much for me, I can't cope with her". While lovely person DD is playing the virtue card; so yet again, you lay all the blame on W2. Yet again, in your eyes, W2 lets you down, and fails to make the grade as a stepmother.

She has  been there before, no wonder  she  has decided never to go there again.   

Those are the terms on which she can continue her relationship with you. Not perfect, but neither are either of you.

This time why not listen to W2, believe her, and respect her POV.
Or risk she cuts you out of her life, like last time.

As a 'step mum' who's had to put up with some very difficult behaviour from DSS for 4 years (he told his Mum and grandparents lies about DP & I and used to play DP and his ex off against each other amongst other behaviours) plus DP's lack of support in dealing with the situation until recently I can honestly say that at no point have I hated DSS. Resented his behaviour - yes; got fed up and considered walking - certainly. But he was (is) a child whom is behaving in a way the adults around him have allowed him to.
If your wife hated and resented you for the lack of support that I could understand but to 'hate' a child for 10 years and not be able to let things go and move forward is not reasonable.
When things hit their worst point with DSS I had to make a choice - walk away or stay. In order to stay I couldn't harbour long term anger or hatred about what happened - I had to move on from it. I made it clear to both DP and DSS (who was 12 by this point) that I did not deserve how DSS was behaving towards me and would not continue to live like it but that if DP and DSS were prepared to work on things I would too. Your wife needs to make that choice too and if she cant let go then maybe you need to choose what future you want.

I do not blame your wife

Well she absolutely does have some responsibility for it! They were both responsible for raising the children. When you marry someone with kids, you know what you’re getting into.

Your poor daughter,so she lost her Mother then had a stepmother and absent Father!!!

You should have been there for your children when they were small,you are lucky your daughter is still in your life at all!

Your wife sounds horrid,but you need to take a look at your own behaviour,why are you letting her get away with it?

I lost my husband and I had three teenagers,I gave up my job to be with them,they needed me more than ever.I would never have left them in the care of anybody else.