My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

She is well within her rights to not want to have any sort of relationship with your adult daughter

Rights? Surely this is about having a healthy family relationship. Someone’s wife refusing to allow them to mention their child isn’t a ‘right’ and it’s pretty nasty and vindictive.

Someone's wife refusing to allow them to mention their child isn't a 'right' and it's pretty nasty and vindictive.

OPs wife does not like his daughter or want to be a family with her, so much so that she left ten years ago. She has allowed things to rekindle now that the children are adults so she is able to see him without needing to help "raise" the kids. They don't live together and he only sees her a few times a week.

He hasn't said it's a rule that they can't mention his daughter, he said it leads to arguments. We don't know what he says when he mentions her, we don't know if he's singing her praises or trying to convince OP to meet up with her in a way that irritates her and provokes arguments. We don't know if she rings often (we know the phone calls are not emergencies) and it interrupts their time together. As they don't live together and are rebuilding a relationship that ended some time ago, she may see them as still in the "dating" phase and be annoyed by him taking phone calls. Given the nature of why they split it would be tactful of OP not to be taking regular phone calls from his daughter during the time he is visiting his wife's home.

We're only getting OPs side of the picture and really have no idea what he says to her and how he handles the situation, to potentially lead to an argument.

We're only getting OPs side of the picture
As we do with every post on MN and we take the OP on good faith and respond accordingly. I don’t assume hes lying. If mentioning your child causes arguments with your partner, it’s not a good sign.

@MillyMollyFarmer

We're only getting OPs side of the picture As we do with every post on MN and we take the OP on good faith and respond accordingly. I don’t assume hes lying. If mentioning your child causes arguments with your partner, it’s not a good sign.

2 things, 1 I suspect you aren't a step parent and 2, there are always two sides to every story surely you are aware of that. It's so easy to paint a rosy picture of yourself on an anonymous forum. The daughter is no longer a child the wife no longer lives with them as an adult it's absolutely fine to choose who you spend time with family blended or otherwise.

it's absolutely fine to choose who you spend time with family blended or otherwise

It’s only fine if it’s fine with everyone and clearly the OP isn’t ok with the arrangement or he wouldn’t have posted.
Resenting someone for things they did as a child is a sign of some serious issues, step parents or not. I come from a blended family. I’m not a step mother no, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a valid opinion on the situation with what we know about it. Are you a step parent that doesn’t have anything to do with your step kids too then? I think that’s sad. I loved my stepmother and enjoyed our time together. The OP hasn’t painted a rosy picture of himself! Most agree the fault mostly lies with him

It’s only fine if it’s fine with everyone and clearly the OP isn’t ok with the arrangement or he wouldn’t have posted.

So are you saying that because he’s not happy with his wife not wanting to meet up with his daughter, she should just do it to keep him happy? It would all just be fake and awkward so why bother?

As we do with every post on MN and we take the OP on good faith and respond accordingly. I don't assume hes lying

I didn't say he is lying, I said it wasn't a very complete picture. When someone says something they said to someone else offended them/led to an argument, I naturally ask what they actually said to see if it could cause offence, rather than just assume the other person must be vile.

And I’d say that about any situation. Why keep pestering someone when they’ve made it clear they don’t want really want to talk to you or see you?

I recently tried getting in touch with a family member I haven’t seen or spoken to for 3 years. She went off me because of my reproductive choices as a grown woman that affects her in no way whatsoever Anyway, the conversation fell really flat and I was getting short answers, so I left it at that and won’t try again. Sometimes when people don’t want to bother with you, it’s time to move on and accept it. I don’t think she’s justified in her reasons for disliking me, but hey life goes on.

As comments have gone on I am having a lot more sympathy for the wife in this situation.
I don’t think it is as simple as saying they were a child and that holding onto the anger makes her a bad person... there are many people I knew as a child who were horrible people, bullies etc. And while it’s perfectly possible they have changed as they grew up, my enduring feeling towards them would be negative.
What if the dd bullied her own children? What if one of these “childish” tantrums actually put one of her children in danger but was dismissed when OP came home? There are so many what ifs and the OP has consistently taken his dd side suggesting the story is imbalanced.
It also doesn’t feel like he respects his wife as he has not defended her side at all or explained her perspective which he says he understands.

Wow people are really going in on the wife!

To be fair, there must be more to this for the wife to hate your daughter. Have you really really spoken to your wife about the reasons behind it? The fact is she doesnt know your daughter... who someone is at 20 is very different to who someone is at 9/10 and whilst I agree that she shoud make an effort to do so for your sake, maybe you need to get to the bottom of the hatred first!

I wouldnt say I hate my step son - actually I love him but I hate his behaviour and I have started to feel resentful towards him so I can kind of see it from her point of view but he has put me through a lot. Maybe you need a better understanding of what she dealt with 10 years ago before she can move on xx

There’s something wrong with your wife is she doesn’t have empathy for a child losing their mother!

She’s 20 now and has a better understanding of the world yet your wife obviously doesn’t!

I ditch the wife, I would rather be involved in my daughters and grandkids lives when she has them.

There will be someone better out there for you, just look a little.

I can understand two people living separately if they cannot blend their families successfully. But where it gets damaging is in the fact that you cannot even mention your daughter or take a phone call from her, in your wife's presence. I'd not be very tolerant of that if I was your daughter.

Are you a step parent that doesn’t have anything to do with your step kids too then? I think that’s sad.

What are you basing your assumption on? That I don't agree with you? be a step parent before spouting how awful his wife is. Wear the other shoe for a while. Also find some compassion for a woman who walked away from her husband for the sake of his kids. You have a very skewed view on the term 'family'

@aSofaNearYou

As we do with every post on MN and we take the OP on good faith and respond accordingly. I don't assume hes lying

I didn't say he is lying, I said it wasn't a very complete picture. When someone says something they said to someone else offended them/led to an argument, I naturally ask what they actually said to see if it could cause offence, rather than just assume the other person must be vile.

You’re right, @aSofaNearYou

So many holes, even in the subsequent posts.

Im a stepmum. Its pretty much a thankless job tbh.
Its a slightly different situation but I've spent the last 3 years watching one of my DSC being manipulated by their mother and her now Ex husband. having to cope with and support my DH, my other DSC and my own DC with the hurt, confusion and rejection caused by their actions.
Do I hate DSC for this? Of course not.
Its not their fault. They are a child and tbh anyone who can hold a grudge like that for a decade against the actions of someone who was a child doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be married too.

Having read through the thread nowhere does OP say that his wife has said she hates her DSD. He uses hate as a descriptor of what he perceives as his wife's behaviour towards her but stops short of saying "my wife says she hates my daughter."

I went through a very difficult time with my own DSD and moved out for a couple of years because having escaped an abusive relationship I was less resilient to deal with the abuse I faced from DSD (and it was abuse, just because it was at the hands of a child doesn't make it any less destructive - just ask anyone who was bullied at school). DSD and I get on fine now she's an adult but had I been pressured to reconnect whilst DH still insisted on minimising what happened I'm not sure where our relationship would be.

As an adult I have rejected facebook friend requests from the people who bullied me at school. I don't give a shit if I'm accused of holding onto grudges against children (as they were at the time) - I have no desire or mental capacity to include those people in my life now, even very distantly.

@MyCatHatesEverybody he says it in the title

@Tyersal where? The thread title is "My wife hates my kids."

I might seem like I'm nitpicking over the language but the way OP brushes over the difficulties his wife faced (especially as he buggered off and left her to it whilst refusing to back her up) I'm also wondering whether his perception of his wife's current attitude is off a little. My exH was 100% genuine in his perception that I left him out of the blue but whilst he physically heard the words I was saying he didn't listen them. I very much get a sense of that here.

Or are you projecting a bit?

All of us project our own experience hence the many posts on this forum from non-step parents complaining about their own step parents, or from mothers whose exes don't see the children or pay child maintenance when the thread clearly states regular access and maintenance payments etc.

My point is if we take OP at face value he sounds like a useless father (leaving his bereaved kids in the care of a new wife, and wanting to pursue a relationship with someone who supposedly hates his kids without reason) and a useless husband (as per leaving her to look after his DC and refusing to support her in that, as well as his moods). Yet it's his wife with the issue?

@MyCatHatesEverybody is right, he's only said she hates her as his interpretation.

I don't know why people think you can't hold a grudge against a child. There are plenty of people I knew as children that I wouldn't want anything to do with now, and I didn't live with any of them at the time and wasn't expected to look after them. She can choose to not want to rekindle any kind of relationship with his daughter and probably feels he owes her space from any pressure to do so given he left her to look after his kids before and it led to the breakdown in their relationship.

She hated looking after your child..and has continued the hatred despite moving out.
She's deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you.

She knows your DD will always be in your life - so what exactly is your wife upto?
If you divorced tomorrow - how much of YOUR money/assets/pension would she claim?

OP if you do come back and tell us your wife says she hates your daughter (btw where is your other child in all this?) can you explain what it is she says she hates? She clearly didn't start out that way towards your DC or you wouldn't have left her to do the main caring of them for 2 years.

The other possibility is that your wife is indeed a cold heartless individual in which case not only do you need to accept you ought to separate but you also need to teach your daughter some boundaries instead of encouraging her time and again to reach out to someone who hates her.

There are plenty of people I knew as children that I wouldn't want anything to do with now

That’s a very different scenario, kids at school v a step parent hating their step child. Not the same.

That's a very different scenario. Kids at school v a step parent hating their step child. Not the same.

No it isn't quite the same, a step parent has to live with and personally take care of the child they don't like, making it all the more likely the dislike would intensify through extreme exposure. I've met plenty of kids as an adult that I don't like at all, I imagine I would grow to dislike them even more if I suddenly had to provide childcare for them.

And what does a step parent do when they don't like their step child? They leave, which is what OPs wife did, and only rekindled the relationship once the child was an adult so she didn't need to have a "step parent" relationship with them. It's a reasonable boundary to set, but if OP doesn't want to have separate relationships with them then that is his prerogative. She doesn't have to see or like her.