My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Your daughter was obviously a great judge of character.

Totally agree with @occa.

Your daughter lost her mother and was left with a strange woman and her children. That poor child.
It doesn't matter what she 'done' when she was a lost little girl of nine years old. She sounds like a decent mature 20 while your wife is still resenting that 9 year old girl
You need to start advocating for your daughter.

It’s not clear what your DD did 10 years ago and whether you were reasonable to defend her or whether you wife was reasonable in expecting more support in parenting her.

Can your other child shed any light on what happened? Do you see her two?

But..... I agree with others that 10 years is a huge amount of time for an adult to bear a grudge like this against a child who had lost a parent. You not being allowed to mention her or take a call from her is not acceptable.

Is she rejecting your daughters suggestion to meet? If so, I would struggle to get past this and stay with her. It would affect my view of her as a person and a partner in a highly negative way.

Totally agree you should make a will to avoid your wife inheriting everything automatically, especially as you know none of it will reach your children via her!

Id say this isnt about your daughter at all and is about you and the fact you didnt back her up...

Your daughter is a trigger. This is about you. Make amends for not backing her up properly. Heal them wounds...then the rest will fall into place

I was going to suggest living together so soon was a bad idea and you working away and leaving the children with your wife.How old are your children now? How old are your wife’s children? Do the children not have contact with each other?

It’s unfair of your wife as 10 years have passed and like you say your daughter was a child. Your wife sounds controlling.

I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

How do your other children feel about all this?

Hang on. I've just re-read your thread title. Your wife hates your kids so not just your daughter.

What are the others meant to have done?

I do find pp’s comments that your wife is horrible quite naive to be honest. Children are just children but they can be calculating, manipulative and drive a wedge.

It must have been bad for your wife to pick up her own children and walk away from her marriage. People on here always advise people to put their children first and not their partner and that is precisely what your wife did. Those calling her abusive and controlling are short sighted. If you were married but left to look after your step children full time with no support from their parent (you said that you were away and would always make excuses for her behaviour instead of setting boundaries and showing your wife the respect she deserved), you would always remember the nightmare you experienced. Every person has their breaking point.

Your wife does hold resentment towards your daughter, but if she wants to move on with you and you with her, she needs to address these feelings and try and move on. Family mediation as a pp suggested is a good starting point.

Many thanks for all of your comments. I really do appreciate seeing all the different takes and for you taking the time to respond. You are all wonderful.

FYI - I never stopped parenting my daughter, perhaps my original post wasn't clear. I have always remained in my house with my son & daughter.

I will stay over at my wife's periodically.

The way I look at things is that my kids have been through enough, going through life without a mum, I'm never going to abandon them....PERIOD!

Thanks again everyone, it means a lot

Why are you ok with your wife hating your daughter? What on earth did she do to warrant it? Your daughter lost her mother when she was really young and she should've received compassion and love but its seems to me she got anger and resentment from a stepmum and an absent, ineffectual dad.
You need to put your foot down and tell your wife to grow up and accept your daughter is family whether she likes it or not.

I hope your Will is utterly watertight, if you wish your daughter to see a penny of it

Your poor daughter lost her Mum, she had a Dad that worked away, she must of felt terrible no wonder she ‘played up’! Chuck the wife and rebuild the relationship with your daughter. Your daughter was a little girl going through a terrible time, she needed patients and caring for not a ‘whirl wind romance’ and a new family to take into consideration.

@Mischance

The word "hatred" jumps out at me - that is a very strong word.

As others have said, 10 years is a ridiculously long time to hang onto blame for the actions of a 10 year old child who had lost her mother.

10 year old children can be a real pain at times, especially if they have had serious life events to deal with - loss of Mum, adapting to a step-Mum etc. I am surprised that this is still an issue. Did she have problems when her own children played up? Has she forgiven them for behaving like children, when that is what they were?

I am not trying to belittle the challenges of being a step-parent, but to bear a grudge for so long seems frankly pathological.

Yes 'hatred' is a strong word but it is a good descriptor, it's exactly how she feels. 10 years is a long time, I'm very much in the NOW, I don't forget the past but I can't live my life in the past. Yes, my wife agrees that this is a thing she needs to exorcise but it's proving very difficult.

Not quite the same as your situation, but some similarities.
My Dad remarried, his wife has always refused to have anything to do with me.
My Dad has made a dogs breakfast out of the situation ever since. I have run out of patience with him and am now low contact. He would like more contact but the issues will not be resolved and I am sick of the way he treats me. Reconciliation is unlikely.
Do you want this?
One of the women in your life will tire of this eventually. I wish you good luck. It's a hard one to resolve now.

Can you give a single example of something your 9 year old child did to deserve this level of hatred? Did she garrotte her step-siblings’ rabbit? Sell your wife’s jewellery and spend the money on sherbet dib-dabs? Forge a letter of resignation to your wife’s employer?

Most hatred is about the person doing the hating. Your poor daughter. I honestly would split permanently with your wife and tell your daughter it’s because you don’t like the way your wife treats her and you should have acted sooner. Or you’re condemning her to seek out long term relationships with very low standards

I genuinely thought you were making up w post linked to Cinderella at the beginning (probably due to binge reading Land of Stories)

Your wife hates your daughter presumably because she was difficult being left with her alone after her mum died

You have to make a choice OP hopefully your daughter

What's wrong with you this woman is a bitch and treats youre children like second class, what would their mother say?

Read Cinderella. You have a classic evil stepmother on your hands.

In fairness to the wife, she agreed to marry and move in with a man who was working part-time and was doing all of the parenting for his children.

Once she'd moved in, he then decided to start up a business and "started to spend a lot of time away". When her step-children misbehaved, her DH just sided with the daughter.

If she'd posted on MN, we'd all have been telling her to leave. Where she went wrong though was in blaming the whole shitshow on the DD and not her DH.

@Advicewouldbeappreciated

The daughter is a theat to your wifes future inheritence and the love and time she expects from you. Leave the wife.

Jeez, I wish I had plenty to give lol

Why does your wife say she feels this way? What happened?

@rebecca102

So the way your wife feels about your daughter is because of her behaviour when she was a child? Wtf.. is this for real? What exactly did your daughter do that could have an adult holding a grudge against a kid for so long.. weird and I know who's side I'd be taking.. wouldn't be married anymore that's for sure.

Thanks @rebecca102, honestly it was just silly child things, stealing the odd toy from my wife's daughter, trying on their makeup. She certainly did not injure anyone or any pets. She was just being a child!

@choli

I'd love to hear this from the ex wife's point of view.

Of course @choli, that is important. Life was not a breeze for her, I had mood swings and was a pain to live with.

Sounds like you are living a half life.

No family get togethers, summer BBQs what’s going to happy if any of them get married or have children?

Someone has to give and it sounds like your DD is prepared to do that. You wife will make it very difficult as and when babies arrive.

Sounds like your daughter wasn't ready for you to be in a relationship at that time and being left with someone who she didn't personally feel connected to without any say in the matter would understandably make her "act out".
Your daughter seems to have turned out to be a great person regardless of this and if your wife can hold a grudge for 10 years then I can't see her getting any better.