My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Your wife sounds horrible.

Get rid of the wife. Someone who has carried a grudge for 10 years about a child isn't worth knowing.

I'm confused here. Did you have more children with your 2nd wife?

DId your 2nd wife end up raising your first children while you were away working?

Would family mediation be something you could all agree to go to?

You sound self-aware. That goes a long way. I think acknowledging what could have been done better really helps. Even if it's too late to go back and do it right and do it better, it does help. So keep on acknowledging that you wish you'd been there for your daughter and for your wife. Your time sounds like it was ALL taken up and they were probably competing for scraps of attention.

I'm 50 and I am still wishing my mother would just acknowledge what was handled poorly and what could have been done better, but she won't, she gets angry. You sound a lot more aware and willing to look at what went wrong and why.

You sound like you love your wife and your kids.

Maybe it can be sorted out but I think everybody has a right to their perspective so any advice on here aimed at your feelings is only going to be a third of the solution.

I would suggest mediation for better communication and hopefully healing the old wounds.

Sorry, you said in your post that your wife has her own DC. I meant to delete that line asking if you'd had more kids! I did read your post!!

Your wife is not coming out of this well OP. And neither are you, if you are enabling her behaviour towards your daughter. If she can't put the past behind her and move on then I don't think there is a future for you.

Your daughter is more of an adult than your wife.

What's going to happen when your daughter has children, is your wife going to stop you being with your grandchildren?

Get rid of your wife. Your daughter was a little child going through huge trauma. Even if you’ve got rose coloured glasses on, if they have Had no contact in 10 years, your wife doesn’t know her, and is being Utterly unreasonable

Your wife sounds like a wicked stepmother from Cinderella. I would understand if she just preferred not to be actively evolved into your daughter's life, but forbidding you to answers her calls?! How ridiculous

Your daughter is more of an adult than your wife.

This was my thought too. Unless there’s more to your daughter’s behaviour than you’ve said in your post (eg she deliberately injured one of your wife’s children, that sort of thing), then it is really awful to hold a grudge against someone for their behaviour as a child. And your daughter was a grieving child at that.

@ChaChaCha2012 makes another good point too - how does this play out over the long term?

I agree with @ispepsiokay

Your wife does not sound like a reasonable person. Your daughter was 10 years old at the time AND it’s been 10 years since your wife moved out, yet she’s still holding your daughter’s childhood actions against her. Awful!

I took too long to post my original comment! I also agree with the four comments above mine. Your daughter is more adult that your wife. How does your wife (and you?) expect this to play out??

What kind of things did your daughter do? How long for? Your DD was going through a trauma at the time with very complex emotions. It sounds as if she has become a mature, lovely young woman.

Your DW however sounds as if she still sees a young child rather than adult. Your DW needs to have some counselling/therapy to work through those issues. It's much easier to blame someone else (your DD) rather than the person that you love (you). Some DC can be awful to SPs - I heard of cases were a SC has made up accusations that could cause someone to lose their job. But your DW almost needs to start from scratch again with your DD. Would your DD apologise for her poor behaviour at the time (depending how bad it was)? Would that help your DW?

Your wife sounds dreadful. I've had a very difficult stepdaughter who made up lies about me and my dd, said awful things to me (eg she hoped her baby sister got ran over by a car and died) and then denied it to her dad and said I was making stuff up because I hate her. We tried living together for 6 months but once these issues became apparent we gave up and lived apart. But even now I don't hold any grudge against her, and she still treats us dreadfully when we occasionally see her (stealing out of my purse, spitting at me when noone is looking etc). I understand that she is an 11yo little girl with major issues, I wont have her in my children's lives as she isn't a safe person to be around them, but I care about her and when she gets better I will be happy to build a relationship with her. Unless your daughter was significantly worse than that (eg seriously harming her kids or pets, false accusations to police or anything on those lines) then I think your wife is unreasonable and you need to get rid of her.

Your self awareness is brilliant. Your child was just a child but further I have no time in my life for people who hold onto negative energy. It’s a trait I can’t stand and is often accompanied by other negative traits.

Are you sure you are not holding onto your second wife because you feel you owe her something because she brought you back to happiness. If you looked at this objectively there is no way you would build a future with that much negative energy towards your daughter.

The daughter is a theat to your wifes future inheritence and the love and time she expects from you.
Leave the wife.

So the way your wife feels about your daughter is because of her behaviour when she was a child? Wtf.. is this for real? What exactly did your daughter do that could have an adult holding a grudge against a kid for so long.. weird and I know who's side I'd be taking.. wouldn't be married anymore that's for sure.

I think you working away when your children were small and her having to parent them was too much, and I am glad your daughter has done ok, she sounds great. I think your wife has located her resentment of you at this time in your daughter and that is unfair.

My goodness I feel sorry for your daughter.

You seem besotted with your wife and you come across and trying to please her....but at the expense of your daughter?
'God knows what would happen in an emergency' seriously?

Your wife sounds like a piece of work. You sound like you need to grow a pair.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).
This was the problem. Your daughter had already been bereaved, then you had a whirlwind romance, moved in new wife and her DC and then went away leaving your daughter with them????????No wonder your DD played up, she must have been in a terrible state.
But your wife sounds horrible, uncaring and unkind. What is it about her that you love?

Also..maybe there was a good reason your daughter acted out the way she did in the first place(besides losing her mum) Your wife sounds horrid.

I think your wife is being unfair here TBH. However she may have felt threatenend by your DD and the close bond you have with her .I dont think much will change really ,and probably become worse as your DD gets older has her own DC and so on .Blended families are very tricky to navigate ,and are sometimes worse if the child has one parent who has died .That parent becomes eulogised and the Step mum or dad can do nothing right! I was in a similar position as a child as well!

You say you understand your wife's hatred. I'm shocked!

You understand why a grown woman hated a child? And continues to hate her?

Your wife sounds awful.

Your daughter might be 20 but you need to put her first. Personally I feel she was too young when you had this 'whirlwind romance' with your wife and think you should have put your children first rather than this monster of a wife.

You can try and make it up to them now by ditching her.

I'd love to hear this from the ex wife's point of view.

Your wife sounds horrible. Put your daughter first, answer calls, meet up with her, if your wife doesn't like it she can jog on.