My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Dump the wife she's awful. My DD was awful as a child to my DH, but he was a grown up and dealt with it. Now she's an adult they have a lovely relationship. There's no way he would have hated her, and he had good reason to, because he loved me and knew how much I loved her.

Your wife sounds horrendous. How on earth can an adult woman/mother 'hate' a 10 year old child and carry on hating her for 10 years? Thats incredibly nasty.

You obviously see something loveable in your second wife (god knows what) so you have no choice than to see your daughter separately and give up all hope of a relationship between them. If you are prepared to put your marriage on the line, you can demand your wife at least allow you to mention your DD and take calls and talk to her. You can't force a meeting, but you can demand civility from your wife.

I agree with everyone else Op, sorry but your wife sounds horrible. She obviously sees your daughter as a threat - whether for your love, your money or future inheritance etc but whatever the reason, it's not good. Your poor DCs having lost their mum and then ending up with a real life wicked stepmother. Please don't let it continue - either insist your wife changes her behaviour or leave her. Don't ruin your relationship with your DD. Good luck Op.

Do not allow your wife to dictate your relationship with your DD

you daughter unless she hurt someone on purpose was a child prob still grieving and dint have her dad around played up a bit and your wife still hates her over ten years later?

what was so bad that she uses the word hate for a child

You say you understand your wife's hatred. I'm shocked!
I'm not.

You understand why a grown woman hated a child? And continues to hate her?*
Considering some of the step child behavior that is deemed acceptable on MN

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is),

I can't.

Sorry but either your wife needs to act more normal/compassionate or you need to divorce. She needs to respect that you have a daughter in your life, she is part of your life and she either accepts that or she can fuck off. It is massively controlling that she is trying to destroy your relationship with your daughter (because that is what she is actually ttying to do). It's ultimatum time here.

Your then 9yr old Daughter had lost her Mother and her Father was leaving her for long stretches of time with a Step Mother who probably barely bothered to try to hide her dislike of your child. I think you're very lucky to still have a relationship with your Daughter, she could have grown up to be very resentful of the hell she was obviously put through during her childhood.

You need to sit your wife down and explain to her how things are going to be in the future, I'm sorry but STOP BEING A WET LETTUCE AND GROW A SET OF BALLS! Tell your wife that your Daughter will be visiting and dropping in whenever the hell she feels like it and that your will be calling her and taking calls whenever the hell you feel like it. If she doesn't like it she can lump it, she's a grown arse woman and has done enough damage to your family already!!!!

@dad4 you understand your wife’s hatred? Of YOUR child? What could your daughter have possibly done to be be HATED by an adult nevermind her stepmother?

Toxic doesn’t even begin to cover it

I agree with others OP, your wife sounds horrible! But if you effectively split up 10 years ago when she moved out why are you still chasing a relationship with a woman who hates your DD? Your DD isn't going to go anywhere, so all I see is a future full of acrimony. Unless your wife can grow up and put this behind her (which, after 10 years of holding a grudge so bad you still can't even mention your DD's name in her presence, I'm not hopeful), then I really see no future for you.

Ultimately, this is on your wife, so what is the chance of her saying 'You're right, your DD was only 10, it was ten years ago and I need to get over this for the sake our relationship' and then working towards making that happen? If you can't see that happening (and from what you've said, I can't), then I'd accept that your marriage is over and move on.

You need to make sure you have a will. If the worst was to happen everything would go to your wife and your daughter will have nothing.

Your poor daughter. She lost her mum and was a child. What a nasty woman your wife is. Why didn’t you stick up for your daughter years ago?

I feel sorry for the wife in this situation, you left her alone to parent your child, didn't support her when she struggled, in fact did the opposite to the point she felt she had no choice but to leave. You should have solved the problems before they got to that point. What did your daughter do?

I think there are people that simply aren't cut out for step parenting. Your wife had an ideal situation really - there was no ex brooding away in the background, saying stuff, being difficult. There was no one to be jealous of, no money removal from the household budget for child maintenance or extras. No agonising over who should get the smaller bedroom and how that looks/feels or drama over a trip to Alton Towers and who gets to go(or not).

Somewhere along the line, as adults you made a mess of the blending of families. But even with you taking responsibility (which it sounds like you are), your wife is refusing to face up to her side of things. It's not reasonable to hold a grudge about the behaviour of a child some 10 years later. But you know what? It tells you a lot about your wife. She's not the OW, lied to and manipulated, having to 'take on' children she'd rather not. She entered into a relationship with you and your children freely and knowing that in the circumstances, she had no choice but to accept the children and take on some of the parenting responsibility. But actually, she's behaving like the OW - selfishly demanding 'her or me' (and yes, that's common in affair situations, a demand that children are abandonned or seen as little as is humanly possible) and refusing to compromise.

I don't think you have much choice other than to end your relationship. You could try counselling to see if, with some help, she will come round, but 10 years is a long time for this to continue. But I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Has your wife said exactly why she hates your daughter? In detail nit just a broad "because of how difficult she was".

Have you asked your daughter if anything happened while her step mother was raising her?

Your wife sounds a bit abusive to be honest. Controlling whether you're allowed a relationship with your child, and you even said she'd play heck up if your daughter called you in an emergency.

What if your daughter were to give you a grandchild? Would you allowed a relationship with her then?

You've spent 10 years trying to reconcile this relationship, and it's not happening. Your wife still hasn't committed to you, and you're still living apart. You're basically not even married at this point.

And trust me, I've thought some kids were little shits but I couldn't HATE them, especially kids who had lost their mum at an age that they will remember. Especially if I were then their new maternal role model. It's abusive and irresponsible.

Why are you still with her? Divorce her, move on, find someone who is actually kind.

One thing we don’t know is what your daughter did back then. Your wife may be a grudge-bearing jealous harridan or she has a reason for the strength of her feeling.
Until we have more detail it’s impossible to offer a valid opinion.

Youre wife sounds like a bitch, youre poor dc lost their mother had there dad to themselves then a woman comes in moves in with her dc hates them and they are left with them whilst their fsther works away. Has the makings of a cinderella story tbh. I think you failed to protect youre dc from this vile woman and continue to put her before them. How you could be with someone you can't even allow you meantion her name or take a phone call. What happens when you're dd has children will the grandchildren be treated like this. How do you treat her children.

Youre first wife would like be mortified about youre dd treatment i know i would.

Dump your wife...that's the harsh true.

Your daughter has done nothing to deserve 'her hatred'. To blame a 9 year old who has lost her mum for acting up is bad enough but to still hold a grudge years later and refuse to try to be at least civil is unacceptable.

Your wife is behaving like a child throwing a tantrum while your daughter seems to have mature into a responsible adult.

I personally would have nothing to do with a partner who state that they 'hate' my child.

I couldnt even be in the same room as someone who openly hated my child, let alone have a relationship with them or fuck them. Wheres your loyalty to your daughter?

You need to put your daughter first. At 20 she is still young and needs love and reassurance. You cannot allow your wife to hold you to ransom. I cannot help but feel that she is actually jealous of the fact that you had her with your wife, who you clearly loved. I bet that there's a degree of insecurity here. You need to stand up to her and call your daughter when she is around and invite your daughter around. How awful for your daughter to know that she is disliked by an adult and that her father is sticking with the person who dislikes her. I appreciate that your daughter has left home and that leaving your wife would impact hugely upon you as you would be on your own again. However, this is no reason to stay. What about her seeing her step siblings too? Presumably she was cut off from them? I think that you need to think about the long term repercussions. What will happen when your daughter gets married and wants you to walk her down the aisle? What about when she has children and you are a grandparent? You are all that your daughter has. The fact that she's willing to work through this shows that she still very much needs you.

Well, OP, you are going to have to choose. Your happiness with a woman who hates your own daughter (and this will never ever change) or your DD. Bearing in mind that your DD has already lost one parent.
Whatever your DD has done to deserve all this hatred, she’s done as a child. For an adult to continue hating her and not even consider giving her an opportunity to apologise all these years later is very telling. I know we all want love and companionship but not at the cost of having to give up your own child. Nobody is that desperate, surely.
Oh, and I hope you have a will just in case the worst happens.

You are so, so lucky that your DD is still
in contact with you at all. Her mum died and when you got together with someone else you basically seem to have stopped parenting her at all. You almost abandoned her to someone who didn't even like her, let alone love her. Poor girl.

You need to be much, much firmer with your wife and tell her she's going to need to compromise her stance if there's any hope of a way forward for you. If she refuses, it's over.

And absolutely make SURE your will is sorted in favour of your DC, or they'll get screwed over again.

The word "hatred" jumps out at me - that is a very strong word.

As others have said, 10 years is a ridiculously long time to hang onto blame for the actions of a 10 year old child who had lost her mother.

10 year old children can be a real pain at times, especially if they have had serious life events to deal with - loss of Mum, adapting to a step-Mum etc. I am surprised that this is still an issue. Did she have problems when her own children played up? Has she forgiven them for behaving like children, when that is what they were?

I am not trying to belittle the challenges of being a step-parent, but to bear a grudge for so long seems frankly pathological.