My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

It sounds as though your DD not only got a new stepmother but also lost her father for a large amount of time whilst still at a very young age, and undoubtedly whilst she was still coming to terms with her mother’s death six years earlier. This must have been difficult for both of them. The behaviour you describe is perfectly normal of a child and I wonder whether the reality is that your wife understandably couldn’t cope with four children on her own most of the time and placed the blame for it (unfairly) on your DD.

Admitting she wasn’t happy and moving out must have been over more than a child hiding a toy or trying on make up. I really think your wife should have decided she either accepted all of you or else you should have ended the marriage at that point. Her current feelings towards your daughter seem excessively over the top based on what you have said.

Your daughter doesn’t have a mother and her father loves a woman who hates her. What does that say to her? I really think your wife needs to either deal with her hatred or else the relationship should end. I’m another one who thinks there must have been far more to it when she moved out and that’s what needs to be worked around if it’s possible.

It’s not fair or healthy for the stepparent too

I know! I didn’t specify it was only unhealthy for the kid, but it will affect them more and they have no control.

She didn’t stay away, they don’t live together, that’s all that changed, they stayed together. In a way it’s worse. It’s a very direct: it’s her fault.

OK, let me see if I understand. You got married after your kids’ mum died. You left your wife in charge of your kids while you were away for long periods, she asked for help because the children started playing up while you were absent (not surprising you are the parent not her) but you minimised her concerns.

I’m not going to jump on the stepmother lynching so typical of Mumsnet, but may I ask you why you dumped bereaved kids with another person at the time they needed you the most? Their mum had died and their dad disappeared, how on Earth was that going to work?

It seems both you children and your wife had a really bad time while you decided to be away (yeah I know, you needed to work but you could have got perhaps a lesser job locally that enable to care for your kids, as most lone parents do).

I don’t think you need to dump your wife, but I think you need to acknowledge her feelings and go for family therapy. If the relationship is as strong as you say, things can get better for you all.

Yes but she got back with a man when she openly states she hates his daughter. She didn’t break up permanently

Imo, the onus is more on the father of the child not to get back with a woman who hates his child, not the other way around.

I could not be in the same room as someone who openly stated they hated my child let alone actually be married to them.

NC for this as may be outing but your post really got to me. My parents are both thankfully still alive but my Dad remarried a woman who really dislikes me and my older brother and who has managed to turn my Dad completely against my brother - who is genuinely lovely and has tried again and again to reach out - through her poison words and made-up grievances. I deeply resent the weakness in my Dad that allows him to believe the outright lies my step mother has told about us. I will never, never forgive her - or him for allowing her to treat us so badly as children - it really was emotional abuse - and for believing her over us when she lied about us. My brother and I have longterm emotional trauma from the experience of being hated and lied about by someone who had ultimate control over us as children. I manage to have a relationship with both but I will never leave my daughters with them for babysitting or a weekend away, despite them always offering, because to tell the truth I do not trust either of them to treat them with kindness or love.

All this, and i have a living and loving mother who I can turn to. Your daughter does not. At least you, unlike my father, acknowledge that your daughter is not to blame. My father is completely oblivious which is extremely hurtful. Please make sure your daughter knows that you understand she is not to blame. As for your wife she needs to own her feelings and seek professional help to see if she can move past them. If she's not willing to, i don't know what the answer is for you. I totally see you were bereaved, which is awful, and you have a right to be happy. But truly unless your wife can reconcile I don't see a good outcome here for you. Good luck, i do feel for you.

I’m not around my SD anymore so I’m now very happy and healthy. Unless you’ve lived in a toxic atmosphere caused by a SC you will never understand the misery they bring.

Where does it say his DD isnt to blame. It just says she’s nice now doesn’t it?!? I may have missed this.

@timetest what if your DC had done something, lots of things that were really bad. You may not hate your child but you would certainly hate what they had done, be disappointed, teach them right from wrong etc but as SP we don’t have that unconditional love so it’s very hard to keep repeatedly forgiving and forgetting.

Divorce. Your wife is not the only pebble on the beach. Your children are older now and you can have some fun, you don't have to move someone in all of a rush. Enjoy yourself, life is short.

Witchymclovely The OPs child had done nothing that I would consider “really bad”.

So after your whirlwind romance you dumped your two bereaved children on your new wife that so you could go and work away, and when you were around, in your own words you "had mood swings and was a pain to live with".

I really admire your wife for moving out and sticking to her boundaries, although her hatred for your daughter is misdirected and should be aimed at you for the awful situation you dumped her in.

I think your daughter has become a symbol to your wife of how appallingly you treated her. Moving out with her children was a huge thing for her to do so things must have been pretty awful for her. If you want things to work with your wife you need to acknowledge this.

That being said, I agree with whoever above said that your wife should not control your relationship with your daughter.

You need to assert your boundaries with this and should be free to speak to and see your daughter when you like without comment.

but as SP we don’t have that unconditional love

Actually some do, as do adoptive parents. It’s ridiculous to say you can’t unconditionally love a child if you’re a step parent. You can. If you don’t that is a problem.

Stop pussy footing around, she sounds spoilt and horrid. Either she gets her act together or you split up, I guarantee you’ll see a new side of her.

@millymollyfarmer you can but its not common and not doing isnt a problem. Hating is a problem but not having unconditional love is fairly normal

I guess I got lucky with my stepmother then. She loved me more than my father!

You caused the issue but somehow managed to come out of this as the good guy. Is there a part of you that enjoys the power balance that you hold? Do you at some level enjoy the compartmentalisation? There is a pay off for you in maintaining this situation, be open with yourself about that as once you are clear the resolution will follow.

If you want to get this fixed then it must be your sole aim, make it clear to both parties that you want it resolved. What does your wife need to resolve her hurt?
If the answer is nothing will ever be enough as she can't move forwards then you should end this marriage as it invalidates your children.

I doubt it's anything to do with what happened 10 years ago but more the fact that she really doesn't like her as a person.

It's very possible that tour DD has you wrapped around your fingers and making a statement to your partner but you can't see it. For instance, she might be telling you that she'd be happy to meet up with your partner only because she knows that will get you to believe that she's reasonable and caring when she only says it knowing your partner won't agree, and if she did agree, she'd just make excuses not to go.

Maybe your partner is not telling you everything because she doesn't want to upset you.

Saying all that, saying that you can't talk to her in your presence is a but extreme unless you have habit of going all soapy and talking to her for some time when you're in the middle of a conversation/dinner with your partner.

Actually some do, as do adoptive parents. It’s ridiculous to say you can’t unconditionally love a child if you’re a step parent. You can. If you don’t that is a problem.

Er no, it is not "a problem" if you don't love your partner's kids more than they do.

It’s ridiculous to say you can’t unconditionally love a child if you’re a step parent. You can. If you don’t that is a problem.

It’s not a problem. And I bet if you asked a million stepparents how they truly feel about their stepchildren, you’d realise that a lot of them feel very indifferent about their stepchildren. The answer would probably be, “Yeah they’re alright”. Rather than a big gushy answer about how amazing they are.

They don’t love them but don’t hate them. They like it when they’re there (if they have a good relationship) but they also enjoy it when they’re not there (maybe more so). In short, their life doesn’t revolve around their stepchildren. If the relationship ended they’d find it easy to get on with life if they went months without seeing their former stepchildren. They’d wish their stepchildren well but they wouldn’t be pining for them. See where I’m going? That’s not unconditional love.

Well no wonder so many kids of broken families are unhappy I guess.

I hate it when adult problems get blamed on children. Children are just children, and traumatised children can behave very badly at times. But they are still children. Holding a resentment for a decade against a child? That's ridiculous. Assuming she didn't do anything abusive or criminal? It beggars belief

I became a stepchild when I was 11. My mum’s partner has always been awesome. Same with my dad’s wife (officially stepmum now) who came in to my life when I was 18. She’s always been awesome too. But even at 11 I didn’t kid myself in to thinking he loves me as much as my dad does. Kids need help and guidance to be more realistic about stuff like this and adults do them no favours when they indulge unrealistic expectations.

The threads taking an interesting turn now. My DH told me last night that he wants me to love DSD. Thing is, I don’t even get so much as a birthday card from her because he obviously doesn’t think of me as being that important a person in her life. Which is fine, I’m not her mum after all. It’s the expectation that the unconditional love will just bubble from nowhere when I’m usually just the useful idiot fetching and carrying for everyone.

We are going to work on it