My Wife Hates My Kids

[dad4]

This is the first time I have ever posted about this and still not sure, but I would really welcome your thoughts if you don't mind.

I know I'm a dad...Am I allowed on here

I have kids and when they were very young their mum sadly passed away. I gave up work to look after them, then went part-time.

After about 6 years I met someone else, it was a whirlwind romance and everything was wonderful. I felt alive again after having nursing my wife through a horrendous illness. I started to smile again.

After being together for a while I proposed and she thankfully said YES . Everything was great at the start and my wife and her 2 kids (roughly the same ages as mine) moved in.

I started to spend a lot of time away as I was trying to build a business. I would come back and most of the time would receive the news that my kids had 'played up' while I was away, especially my daughter (9 years old approx).

Things went from bad to worse. I was not taking control of the situation and now I can completely see it from my wife's point of view. I could have nipped my daughters behaviour in the bud but on most occassions I would either side with my daughter or say 'she's only a child'.

She wasn't doing anything nasty, just perhaps testing my wife, perhaps she was jealous and thought my wife was taking over as her mum, I explained to her that would never happen.

Fast forward a couple of years and my wife moved out with her 2 children. I was devastated and tried to make up. Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

We are getting along better now than ever, we love each other very much and have a great time together. However, there is an underlying problem....

My daughter is now 20, my wife moved out when my daughter was 10! My daughter is the most caring, loving person but I cannot mention her at all in the presence of my wife without a massive argument. I cannot take phone calls from my daughter in the presence of my wife (heaven forbid she was in an emergency!). My daughter has said on many occasions that she will meet with my wife to move forward and is happy that I have someone in my life, however my wife refuses.

I hate this, it's tearing me apart, really.

I can understand my wife's hatred (and it is), but I keep emphasising that my daughter was just a child at the time, if she needs anyone to blame it should be ME for not handling the situation better.

I would welcome any comments or views. Don't worry, I can handle cold, hard truths, but I would appreciate an 'independent' view.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

It doesn’t say she rekindled once the child was an adult.

Thankfully after some time she allowed me back into her life but we lived in separate houses.

They never divorced. It’s been many years since they married and the child was 9? 10? So no the wife didn’t properly end the relationship and move on.

She doesn’t have to see or like her, but it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship to have your child and wife never together. That’s making the husband suffer literally for the rest of his life. I don’t know why he wants to, but I can’t see anything positive in a scenario like this. It’s damaging for everyone.

I am very glad that I haven't been judged (and hated) for how I've behaved in my worst moments, especially those when I was a child. Rational people don't do this. Kind people don't do this. You should be proud of your daughter in light of her offer, but please make sure she knows this isn't her fault and that she isn't being submissive as a result of low self-opinion as a result of her step mother's behaviour. You have my sympathy...

I am a big believer there is no smoke without fire. I would like to hear the Dw side of things as I just do not believe someone who has her own DC and clearly is nice enough you have wanted to stay in the marriage, would feel quite soo strongly about not wanting to see your DD over 'silly things' like not sharing toys etc.

That is such a frustrating and disappointing comment. Plenty of children are emotionally or physically abused by parents, including step parents, without doing anything to justify it. My father hated my half brother for no reason, he also hit him. And me. We did nothing wrong. My DH and his sister had a bitter and twisted SM that also had no justification for the hurtful abusive things she did to them, just because their father was so narcissistic he stayed. She refused to allow him to meet his own grandchild, as a baby, so she can’t have done anything to justify it either.
I’ve seen my sister mistreat her step kids, who also did nothing to justify it. It was borne from resentment towards their father. Nothing more.

It’s fine to want to hear the other side before making firm judgements. It’s not fine to say that a child must of done something to justify poor treatment in a scenario like this, simply because someone is married or has a child. It’s so obviously not the case in every family. Some people are so messed up, they are indeed nasty to children for no reason, and they continue along that path for the rest of their lives. There are plenty of people out their being nasty and vindictive for silly nonsense reasons.

I'm not sure the OP is still interested in the replies, but I'll offer a perspective.

1. When my SD started acting out, it was done when my DP wasn't present and I tried my best, until I couldn't take it anymore and by then, my anger was too strong and I always sounded like I was exagerrated and DP always dismissed my feelings.
2. SD almost always looked nice in front of my DP, so I was always the unreasonable one who hated his daughter.
3. Sometimes, when a person is traumatized by something (and that could be traumatized by the partner's lack of support), negative feelings accumulate and take a life of their own to the point when a person might not be able to do anything against them. It's called thoughtforms. In this case, maybe counselling can help.

I did forgive SD, but only because her behaviour improuved. If the wife in this case continues being resentful, it's either bc SD is not as nice as the OP thinks she is or her personal issues/negative associations are too strong.
I would have a heart to heart conversation to actually understand what's going on and try counseling.

Well that’s what my DH’s dad did, as o mentioned earlier, and it was the cause of some serious resentment clearly but it wasn’t from the actions of the children. I think you’re getting at a similar possible scenario, but I’d say again that still doesn’t justify the hatred or refusal to be around the daughter. If the actions of the dad caused the resentment, I wonder why SM’s take it out on the children but stay with the Dad. I agree with you, counselling is needed regardless of if they stay together, because this kind of behaviour isn’t healthy or acceptable regardless of the cause. My DH suggested counselling for his family many times, but the SM refused and the dad accepted that. Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do if someone chooses to hold resentment, especially if it’s against a dead parent.

You rather over invested in this thread milly you really seem to have a point to prove.

You rather over invested in this thread

Oh am I? I didn’t realise there was a limit on comments! Awfully sorry. How many am I allowed before the personal insults arrive? 5? 10? 20?

You sound like a nice guy, there are honestly plenty of other potential wives out there.

I would bet a lot of money on the idea that if you put your daughter first and exit this relationship, it would be a very important and significant step for your relationship with your daughter. You might be underestimating how much this affects her. She won't want to risk losing you by telling you that. She sounds really lovely. Difficult situation. Good luck with it all.

I don't understand why you didn't prioritise your DD and her relationship with your DW as a prerequisite to rebuilding your marriage after DW left.
I don't understand how you can trust or want a relationship with a woman who is prepared to forgive you (an adult) and find ways to move forward, but who cannot forgive a grieving 10yo child. Both of your priorities are really warped.

This is a man who prioritised himself. And now he comes on here with a potted history of how he sees things. His replies are wishy washy. I get the feeling he just needed people to say aw poor you when I read it as all being his fault for not recognising the situation and the people in it who were all clearly disturbed.

I feel sorry for the wife. I feel sorry for the daughter. I feel sorry for all the children, but I am guessing his daughter is a manipulator and is still doing it now with his blessing.

Whatever the case here may be it's dysfunctional and going to get worse, cut your losses and divorce OP. Stick with your kids and everyone move on.

this sounds so extreme, and OP's replies so strange, i'm finding it hard to follow...

Will your wife be civil with her if they were to end up in the same room or would she refuse to do even that? If yes then I guess that's something you should try to do as much as you can and hope that they might start to talk again and if no then leave her. I would've lost patience a long time ago but if you've been together 11+ years then it's obvious that you love each other and you both want to find a way to make it work. With the much earlier issues aside, they might actually get on very well. Maybe your wife is just a little bit immature. Held a grudge against you're daughter for a while when it happened and she's now realised it was silly but she doesn't want to admit that as she's scared of the embarrassment

I agree with the last few comments tbh. I read this thread last week and simply thought, no, this doesn’t add up.

I also find it telling that the OP has specifically quoted and copied posts where his wife is (basically) bashed. Really op? If she was this much of a cold-hearted bitch and your child was ‘just being a child’, then why haven’t you binned her already?

This isn’t the full story and based on your posts, I can guarantee that there has been some core dysfunction here and it’s not of your wife’s generating. If it was, you wouldn’t have a good relationship with her children. She’s established that, telling me that the healthy behaviour is with her.

Why would she then refuse to have anything to do with your daughter? Don’t be so willingly naive/ blind OP. These issues run deep and tbh I’m surprised your wife has put up with you. I hope she’s a MNetter and comes on here, reads this and serves you with a divorce petition.

It sounds to me like you moved in with your wife and promptly dumped the responsibility for parenting your two children onto her, so she was doing most of the parenting for 4 young children. You viewed her as a glorified babysitter to facilitate you in your work rather than a person in her own right.

She found it tough looking after 4 children, including your grieving DD who needed lots of support. Rather than backing her up and being there more, you undermined her to your DD and allowed your DD (who really needed more of your time) to continue her challenging behaviour.

Your wife realised she had no authority as a step-parent and was doing most of the parenting leg work and decided she didn't like what her life had become... and so she moved out with her own children.

Where your wife is in error is in focusing her resentment of the situation on your DD rather than on you.

Why was it your wife's role to care for all the children? Were you supporting her to stay at home? Or was she working as well?