Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

I meant DSD not dad

No maintenance he agreed before you got together is not your family money, and frankly what she spends it on is none of your business.

I also suspect that he’s being had by the teenager whose definition of “doesn’t have enough money” equals she can’t pay for her latest app subscription or designer clothing. If you think he has the right to know what the ex spends the money on doesn’t he also have the right to know exactly what his DD is spending it on?

I receive both spousal and child maintenance and I know that my ex’s GF begrudges me every penny because she feels it should rightfully be her’s including her child who is not his.

I know my ex also begrudges me anything, to the point that when DC went on holiday with him recently for the first time in around three years and wanted to buy presents for friends, he told them that he would pay as long as there were no presents for me.

However he does pay without fail so as far as I’m concerned they can begrudge all they like. Her opinion is especially not valid given they got together after we agreed maintenance and the reason DC don’t stay there is because of her.

I suspect if you gave DSD all of the CM it would still not be enough.

As the girl is still in education I think both parents should give her an allowance. If that's not sufficient for her needs she could get a part time job - maybe (you said she didn't want to). 'Pocket money' allowances have nothing to do with maintenance.

I presume your husband will no longer have to pay maintenance once the children leave full time education - or at least it will be voluntary.

DSD 6th form
DSS in uni

She should definitely get a job. I think she’s playing both parents.

Is this child maintenance? Is your dad in university?

If so its classed as voluntary further education so he can give any money he wants to his daughter directly now.

He can stop paying ex directly

Dad not dad!

Oh ffs! DSD

DSD in 6th form
Older son at uni

You need to keep paying maintenance to ex for dsd but not dss then. Hope that helps.

Yes obviously
The question was about allowance etc

Has DH actually spoken to Ex? I wouldn't be happy if I was the mum and DH suddenly decided to remove part of the agreed maintenance and instead divert it to DSD for treat money at 17 when presumably she is still living at home. DSD needs to get a job for extras. Surely this is a matter that the parents should communicate about and clarify what has been said and what the reality of ths situation is.

So he’s just taking money from what’s supposed to clothe, feed and house her, to spend on any old rubbish without even talking to her mum?

So it’s entirely possible she has plenty of money but spends it? And her mum will be expecting money for bills that then won’t arrive?

My DD would tell you she’s no money either, despite having no actual outgoings, receiving a student loan, wages from her part time job and having borrowed money from me this month, it doesn’t mean she’s being neglected FFS.

Who said anything about neglect?

My ex pays maintenence to me and pocket money to our kids. I give pocket money to our kids too.
1.5k of maintenance - how much pocket money were you thinking of? Is it for frivolities like Uber Eats or necessities like a bus pass?

You said she's not taking care of dd.

It is his business if his child is not being looked after when he pays a lot of maintenance.

OP
Your DSD is old enough to get a job, if her Dad wants to give her an allowance them that’s up to him, but he should not reduce the maintenance he gives his ex.
I am a step mum and have my own children my partner gave his child over and above what he should have paid.
My partners ex has very different views to me on what the maintenance was spent on.
Unfortunately for her that money has now gone to my partners child as they are at uni, the abuse we have had, the emails etc that she needs money to provide a home etc etc. Your partner has less than 9 months to give his ex maintenance for the children and then they can be given if directly

Maintenance isn't for treats! It's to meet all the boring costs of raising a child, including food, heating, socks, haircuts, etc.

Maintenance is for the NRP to contribute to his child in a manner reflective of his own lifestyle. If the NRP earns £100k then the child is entitled to be supported in a way that reflects that- just as if the parent was still living with them- they would benefit from that income. If NRP is having no treats then the maintenance is likely to be a very low figure and not allow for treats but if the NRP is managing to treat themselves to the odd pint, a season ticket, a weekend away then of course the child maintenance should allow for treats too!

The kids need to get jobs.

I had a saturday job at 15. When I went to university I worked to help pay my way.

Providing an allowance will do nothing to help those kids learn the value of money.

I have just had a similar situation with one of my sc. She is 16 and asked us for 60 a month into her bank account. Her mum also puts 60 a month into her account.

Here's the funny bit. Mums 60 is for doing a list of chores each week. If sc doesn't do one of the jobs a portion gets knocked off etc.

When sc come to our house they do nothing. No chores at all. But apparently we should give 60?!

We told them to either get a job or come to us with a list of chores they will do for the money. No such list has appeared yet...

If DSD is currently, fed, clothes & housed that money is going towards her care. Maintenance isn’t there to give a 17 year old pocket money.

@frankola that's your decision - if you want to tie pocket money to chores then do. My ex can choose whether or not to give the children pocket money, just like I do. But he can't reduce the maintenance if he does so. Maintenance isn't there for that.

@doritosdip the Op is his DW though, it’s a household income so relay yes I think it is her business.

OP you are totally right, these threads bash you for having an interest but any threads about income and joint accounts etc are all about the ‘household income’.

Don’t blame your DH for knocking it off the maintenance, what are the ex’s thoughts on it being reduced?

How much is he thinking of giving her?
It's hard to say if anyone's unreasonable here without the numbers.

@AnnaNimmity oh here we go again

OP has just directly tagged me and said she isn't asking about maintenance. She is asking about an allowance on top.

Get off your soap box about maintenance! Read the comments before wading in! You did this on the other thread too...

He shouldn’t be deducting it from maintenance though. Just because his teen has whinged about having no money! They all try that one if he wants to give her extra money directly that’s fine. But by deducting it from maintenance he’s spending his exes money.