Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

[doritosdip]

Mum is poor is either code for I've already asked mum to pay for X this week so don't want to ask for this too or Mum is poorer than you (her Dad)

The £20pw is optional and a number chosen by him. Nothing stopping him sticking to £1500 or doing £1500 and a lower number.

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

If he wants to give her an allowance to blow that's all well and good, but why does he get to decide that effectively the mother is paying for it?

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I think if his dc are in uni I'd be paying them directly. Then his ex can choose to have them pay some keep out of that if needed.

[Sotiredofthislife]

I'm adding up now and I think income prob nearer 3k

Ah yes, the step mother who knows the ins and outs of the ex’s income.

As if.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

sotired
A few of us do know the ins and outs, actually.

Why do you frequent these threads?

[Sotiredofthislife]

Yes, you are party to someone else’s bank statements, mail, payslips etc. You can’t possibly know exactly what someone else has coming in/going out. You can guess, based on Form E’s and the passing of time, but you can’t know. Not really.

Sorry. Forget there’s a law against having an opinion different to most step mothers.

[SoupDragon]

In what way is she not being looked after?

You still haven't answered this.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorry. Forget there’s a law against having an opinion different to most step mothers.

There’s no law but you do seem to spend a lot of time on this board when most threads seem to make you very angry. You’re not the only one but it’s baffling why posters whose experience of step parenting is often based solely on not liking their ex’s partner or wife hang around here waiting to kick step parents.

It’s not helping the posters coming here in good faith for support/advice/insight from others in the same boat. It can’t be helping the individuals who find step parenting issues so upsetting they end up projecting their own pain and resentment on people unconnected to their unfortunate experiences.

[SandyY2K]

One or both parents should be giving her pocket money, but encouraging her to get a pt job.

Are you sure he mum isn't already giving her an allowance and she wants more money?

DD got a small allowance from me, but once she got a job, I stopped the allowance.

[Bluerussian]

I don't think a dad giving a 17 year old daughter £20 a week is unreasonable.

[MrsFoxPlus4Again]

@BlueRussian it’s unreasonable when the teenager doesn’t even want to work.

[Bluelightdistrict]

OP are you saying he pays £1500 child maintenance?

[Bluerussian]

MrsFoxPlus44, I don't know, I would have thought a dad giving £20 a week to his teenage child was normal, regardless of whether she works, unless there is great financial hardship. I've always felt that whilst children are in education, parents should support them and that means pocket money, not just 'keep'. She'll be out in the world of work soon enough and if she goes off to uni, she'll probably find a part time/evening job then.

However it is up to her father and I agree with others, whatever spending money he gives should not come out of the maintenance payment. I expect her mum gives her a few quid out of that or from her earnings, already.

This isn't going to go on forever, the girl will be independent sooner or later.

[christmasathome]

When I was 17 I didn't get an allowance or things bought for me by my mum either. I was actually working two part time jobs while at college and that paid for clothes, toiletries and socialising etc. Mum kept a roof over my head and food in my belly and when she could would help with college expenses (did art so always things to buy).

It is not for you to decide how your dh's ex spends her money and its not for him to divert some of that money to their daughter.

[AuntieStella]

It really does sound as if DSD is trying it on. She is certainly reporting inaccurately, either through ignorance or to manipulate. She isn't giving the whole picture.

Has your DH actually spoken to his XW about what DSD is saying. Things like amount of pocket money for a teenager are best agreed between the parents (as is whether to urge her to get a job).

DH will only cause problems of he makes unilateral changes to maintenance. He should definitely give XW notice of intenteded change. Especially as the upshot might be 'Please don't - she already gets £X a month allowance, ask to see her bank statements!'

"They have insurance but need to pay £40 excess-DSD says she is not asking her mum as mum is 'poor'"

Or DSD wants £40 from each parent, pocketing one? Or isn't asking her mum because she was on a final warning for repeatedly breaking phone through her own carelessness?

[Dontdisturbmenow]

I think you need to be very careful here that your dsd is not playing you up. It might very well be that her mum is saying no because she is acting irresponsible rather than because she doesn't want to spend the maintenance money on her daughter.

The repair for the phone, maybe it's the 4th time she's broken it, maybe she doesn't look after it properly, maybe mum said that if she broke it one more time, she'd have to pay for the repair, and that would be the right thing to do to learn the lesson that she needs to look after her things.

The pocket money to go out, maybe mum gives her reasonable pocket money, but she doesn't budget it properly. Maybe she chose to spend it all on a designer outfit that cost £150 and has no money left for the drinks. Again, it would be very reasonable that her mum said no to extra money.

The fact that she doesn't want to even contemplated working does bring into question whether she is playing victim and acting like a princess. Her mum might be dealing with it the right way, but because she wants her way, she is crying to her dad and you, knowing that if she said her mum is refusing to give her anything, you'd go very annoyed.

Ultimately, mum might be fine with some of the money being diverted directly to her, so that she can herself reduce the pocket money she gives her already. It could very well backfire on dsd if indeed, she is being manipulative.

[Magda72]

@Mrskeats - I would take on board what the last 2 posters have said. I witnessed similar when with exdp. His 16 year old totally played him re pocket money saying his dm wouldn't give him money. Now, she wasn't giving him money (she was an expert at playing the poverty card) so dp set him up with a small allowance (extra to maintenance). He then kept contacting exdp saying he needed extra for school stuff & various other things & that dm refused to give him any money so dp doled out more. It transpired the money was being spent on drink & cigarettes - there was no school stuff etc. nor had he asked dm for money - he just saw dp for a soft touch. Exw was furious at dp (& rightly so in this case).
Your oh should really talk to his exw about dsd's spending habits before he goes any further with this.

[Bluerussian]

It's a very long time since I had a child in education - 22-23 years in fact and I only had one who was forty last month.

I remember I had what was called 'Family Allowance' money and when he was a teenager it was forty something pounds so when he was 14 I let him have that and topped it up out of my salary so he had £110 -120 a month until nineteenth birthday. That seemed fair enough. After nineteen of course I still gave him cash sometimes and bought him things but it wasn't an obligation.

He did work from 14, on a Saturday and during holidays, so he wasn't completely broke. I only remember out of his circle of friends only one other having a job, they all had allowances and managed on those. My son loved his little job, it was in a music shop and he is a musician so it was good for him. We didn't push him to work but when he saw the advert at the shop, he really wanted to. He also did IT work, website design etc, which supplemented his income and dad provided a lot.

I didn't work when I was at school, husband did in an off licence and when he got his driving licence at 17 he did deliveries in the off licence's van. He was still given pocket money though.

They're not kids for long. I doubt the op's husband will notice £20 a week, you'd spend more than that if you went to the pub.

All of us grew up to be hard working people - I can remember having two jobs at one point!

[Mrskeats]

I know the ins and outs of her money as they did mediation and you have to present all your financial details
Is that hard to understand?
I have taken extra hours on at work because of the huge amount we are paying

[Mrskeats]

This makes it my business

[Besidesthepoint]

If he is overpaying on the court ordered maintenance then why is your financial situation so bad that you need to take on extra hours? He could just pay less.

I wouldn't question what she is doing with the maintenance. She is probably using some for feeding and clothing the child. She might be using some for clubs, holidays or saving up for uni or whatever. Even if it makes her life better, it will make their lives better as well since they live in the same house.

[Besidesthepoint]

The amount of money that you are working extra to pay her is your business, but it is not your business what she spends HER maintenance money on. It is for her to use to maintain the household and children in the broadest sense of the word. She decides what needs to be bought or paid for. She is not a child that needs to ask if she can buy extra cheese for a sandwich.

[Stegosaurus1990]

OP-I am in a similar situation, I have to go back to work with an 8 month old and work more hours than exW does now with an 11 year old, having been a SAHM until DSS started school. She will ask my DH for more money saying she works PT to “be there for him”. Which I consider a luxury! I can’t be there. The income from DSS and CMS is more than I bring home. It sucks. But I can’t change it and being bitter wears you down.

[Mrskeats]

There is no court order as I've said several times
He agreed above cms