Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

[Mrskeats]

He's paying over cms

[crimsonlake]

Well said MzPumpkinpie

[Mrskeats]

I sud it comes out of our family money
No one reads posts

[hsegfiugseskufh]

It may well do but it was presumably agreed before you were on the scene?

If hes that bothered he could go back to court?

Does the spousal maintenance stop when dsd turns 18?

[Mrskeats]

Nope spousal carries on
No court order
Mediation he agreed over cms

[Mrskeats]

And he pays extra for son of 21 at uni

[MzPumpkinPie]

Honestly I would suggest your H arranges a polite meet-up with his first wife and sits down to get to the bottom of why DD feels she's not getting what she needs.
My feeling is that being a typical teenager she has ridiculously high expectations and wants that are not realistic.
Her needs are being met and she's playing them off against each other.
Look on the bright side , once she leaves full time education he will only have to pay the spousal support and you'll have more income coming into your household.
Some teenagers can be beasts honestly!
He should stop the standing order and have the chat.
If you're both worried about DD not being looked after then ask her to live with you and then you'll see how all of the little things add up !

[Teenangels]

Your DSD is 17 and at uni?
He is taking off the money he pays his for maintenance?
If over full time education, he should be not paying his ex child maintenance, only spousal maintenance if agreed.
He can then set up an allowance to your step daughter at uni.

[Mrskeats]

I think what's made dh a bit annoyed is DSD won't get a job in sixth form either.
Both my kids worked and she has refused when he's suggested that

[BestOption]

Is the amount court ordered or just an agreement between them?

[Fairylea]

Dsd definitely needs to get a job. I suspect she’s realising things cost a lot of money and is having the typical teenager “it’s not fair” moment.

[Drabarni]

it's family money, when it's the same family, all one family. That's what people mean, on other threads.
It is really none of your business, but you say "we" pay.
You shouldn't have to pay for someone else's child, your dh should be doing this out of his own money.

[MzPumpkinPie]

I agree all teenagers should have a job , unless they have SEN.
I had a part time job from the age of 13 until I started full time employment but none of my husbands nieces and nephews work and expect this outrageous Instagram worthy lifestyle.
That's why I'm suspicious of this girl saying she's not being looked after.
However my family in America , all of the teens have jobs and pay for own cars etc because my Dsis has the same attitude as me.
Your H should stop the money and his DD could easily get a Christmas job now and save a bit for extras.

[LonginesPrime]

Maintenance isn't for treats! It's to meet all the boring costs of raising a child, including food, heating, socks, haircuts, etc.

Parents and teens often disagree on what counts as essential. Parents will usually prioritise bills, food, clothing and will budget for upcoming expenses, etc whereas many teens would be happy to miss a couple of utility bill payments to get some really cool trainers.

By giving the money direct to the DC, you could be preventing the mother from making sensible decisions and leave her unable to meet the financial demands of raising the child in question.

I often have to tell my DC that I can't afford treats and fancy things they want as I don't have much money - it's not because I'm spending their child maintenance on frivolous things, it's because raising teens and running a home is bloody expensive and teens always think they're hard done by compared to everyone else.

I would advise DH not to change the payment setup unless he's sure that the mother is exploiting the situation - otherwise, he needs to trust that the adult responsible for his DC knows what she's doing and stop interfering.

[MzPumpkinPie]

@Mrskeats I hope you're not paying a penny towards the maintenance and spousal support?
If so that's not on at all.

[Drabarni]

Maintenance isn't for treats!

So kids from broken homes who might be traumatised from their parents shouldn't have treats.
Lovely.

[titchy]

Is she at university or sixth form? It's not clear. Assume sixth form as she's 17. I suspect when she says she doesn't get anything from her mum what she means is she only gets for H&M clothes and she wants Ralph Lauren.

[doritosdip]

How much pocket money are you considering giving to dsd? It's totally the norm here for Sixth Formers to have jobs. Dad is enabling her not to work.

Most teens would say that they didn't have enough money regardless of how much they got. Is it possible that she knows that mum and Dad don't communicate so she can tell them different things? What sort of lifestyle expectations does she have?

Many parents support their uni aged kids- especially if they can't get the full maintenance loan because of their parents income.

[Stegosaurus1990]

Is your DH actually concerned by this?

It’s not really “family money” it’s an ongoing expense of your DH’s that he’s committed to. If the amount needs changing he needs to address that, but you did not post about affordability, just the allocation of funds.

[titchy]

So kids from broken homes who might be traumatised from their parents shouldn't have treats.
Lovely.

Wtf? If funds are low then obvs maintenance should be prioritised to cover rent food and bills first. How does that equate to children of separate parents don't deserve treats

[Techway]

I assume if this was agreed at mediation then the Ex wife presented her monthly costs and your DH agreed they were reasonable. I assume he also knew the impact on his finances of agreeing. If this is documented in a consent order and sealed by the court he has to pay unless Ex agrees.

I think your anger is misdirected towards the Ex when this seems like a parenting issue. This is also a really expensive time which will pass in a few years.

Are you angry because your children had tighter budgets?

How much money is it? Worth asking yourself if it is worth getting het up about.

[Mrskeats]

I'm not angry
I wanted advice
My kids weren't on tighter budgets
I have a better relationship with my ex h and we sorted all this out

[doritosdip]

It's hard to say whether or not ex is using maintenance on the kids. I think you'd see clues if she wasn't like tatty clothing, holes in shoes, weak from malnutrition, makeup and toiletries from unheard of brands...

[AnnaNimmity]

Maintenance is paid to clothe, house and feed the kids. It's not for treats. The maintenance I receive very adequately does that, but still my kids want more. They ask their dad (probably) and I think probably complain that I am mean or broke or whatever.

It's up to him whether he gives them any money - but my answer to them all is to get a job to pay for the constant uber eats, clothes, trips and going out. I think he would be wrong to knock this off the maintenance because that goes to living costs and essentials - I'd be most pissed off it my ex did that . And I'd be really pissed off if his partner started expressing a view on this. It's between me and him.

[doritosdip]

How much is dad asking for?