Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

[Doyoumindifislytherin]

I'm confused? Surely your DP was paying this amount to his ex DW BEFORE you and him got together?? So this sum should have been deducted from his income already so how can you class it as family money? How was he managing to pay it before? Why now that you are together as a family with 2 incomes, is he struggling to pay this amount so much that it's impacting your personal finances and you have had to increase your hours?

It would seem to me that perhaps you should look at at your family budget to see what has changed so dramatically that you are now struggling to meet these payments and are so resentful of them...

[hsegfiugseskufh]

stray if her husband is giving the dd pocket money (ie they are giving her pocket money) I would say that a terrible report has everything to do with op.

Would I hell be giving an allowance to a child who'd done shit in school (and whos attitude on the whole doesn't sound fantastic!) regardless of whether they were my step or biological child.

[Straycats]

Op-Add to the shocking school report... that has nothing to do with you, your husband and his ex need to talk through things civilly. This latest from you feels like you're trying to put the knife in and enjoying it. Naughty.

[Magda72]

@doritosdip - I can't speak for the op but my reading of her op is that given the amount of money the exw is receiving & given the dsd's comments about the dm saying she's poor it seems likely that (bar the dsd playing one parent off against the other) the exw is not using the money for the kids as what she's receiving should cover pocket money. With that level of maintenance dsd shouldn't HAVE to come to her df for weekly extras.
I am aware teens can be manipulative which is why I and many others advised op upthread to try suss out if what the dsd is saying is fact.

[Mrskeats]

They both do all that over
Add to this shocking school report today

[overandouttime]

It's unlikely that a teenager would exaggerate, manipulate or make stuff up

[doritosdip]

Magda- people immediately defended the xw as op has not explained how the mum isn't spending maintenance on the dd (the title). I expected to hear stuff like her shoes have holes in them, she has to walk because mum's not bought a bus pass which is evidence.

Also from experience teens can be grabby /manipulative. I remember my son telling me I was tight for not buying him £200 trainers. (He was wearing £90'ones boo hop) and I can imagine him complaining about how I spent my money because I couldn't accommodate this. If I had to money I would buy £200 shoes but I'm not buying that sort of thing on credit because he feels entitled to it.

There's no indication of what the child wanted money for. If she was buying necessities like stationery then a stern word to mum would be in order but I'm assuming it's to spend on having fun which suggests that Dad is a soft touch rather than the mum
Is neglecting the dd. As others said what if mum was restricting money because the dd was buying weed ? Dad's money is sabotaging her mum's efforts.

Of course the mum is unreasonable to demand more money. No doubt about it. But this thread has been a long drip feed with the numbers not coming until much later.

[heidiwine]

I’m in your situation and could have written your post (except the sums are higher). I had to get so mad but I don’t anymore. It’s DPs problem. Not mine. It doesn’t become my problem until it has an impact on our household money.
Detach yourself from this crap and separate yourself from him financially.

[Magda72]

@Sotiredofthislife if your children are adults & your ex wants to give them money that's his perogative - but personally I wouldn't like my children receiving extra money I know nothing about to spend as they please - it gives them too much power; spending power and power to play mum & dad off each other.
Furthermore my last buy one post was not directed at you specifically but at the general attitude to exh's & maintenance that most first wives on here seem to have & it seems to me that most first wives/partners on here are a hell of a lot more bitter than second wives/partners.

[Magda72]

So all you people dissing the op & championing the exw in this - can you genuinely give any reasonable explanation as to why someone who has just received 1600 in maintenance feels it's ok to then turn around and ask for more?

[Straycats]

You're still not listening, being bitter and pushing your own agenda is not a good trait. This is between your husband and his ex, who need to discuss this in a civilised way.

[Dollymixture22]

Okay - say no to the child and no to the mum.

Make your husband do this - you can Ignore it.

His family, his problem.

[Mrskeats]

Oh ok choc
I will maybe just crack on and give ex all my salary then shall I?
She had 1600 on Friday and wants more today
Perfectly reasonable. Silly me.

[Chocmallows]

OP to give you another perspective, my DC SM does herself no favours by showing them that she has no respect for me. When I found out about their affair (she was the OW) I was worried that she would be lovely and my DC would prefer her. I was scared of losing them.

I need not have worried as her constant resentment for me receiving maintenance payments means they don't like her. I have never felt the need to run her down as she does that everytime she is negative about me. So crack on with bitterness if you like, but know it doesn't help you!

[Mrskeats]

It was the ex asking for more
Usually she just uses her daughter to do this
Same old same old

[Dollymixture22]

So tell the child no. For god sake your husband needs to parent😊.

However this does prove it’s not the ex’s fault. No matter how much money this child is given it won’t be enough.

Maybe your husband can stop blaming the mum now😊😊

[Mrskeats]

If circumstances change ie through inheritance then that obviously does affect maintenance so not sure why people are surprised by that.
Anyway back to normal.
Full maintenance paid on Friday, pocket money to dsd and yet first demand tonight for more money.

[Sotiredofthislife]

Please tell me where I have said
a) child maintenance is for the mother to spend on herself
b) that an ex should expect to have her lifestyle funded by her ex husband
c) that a divorce settlement isn’t a fixed thing.

I have been through divorce. What I got (was what I had worked hard for) has no relevance whatsoever going forwards. My ex has to pay maintenance for his children. I am well-off in my own right due to inheritance which my ex uses as an excuse to not pay maintenance. He too would tell you he bought me a house. He didn’t, not by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, but it suits him to have engineered the story that way. And he absolutely doesn’t need to tell me he’s giving money to the children. His choice. Nothing to do with me.

[Magda72]

@Sotiredofthislife if an nrp wants to give extra to minor kids it should be discussed with their other parent as to why & what for as it presents an inconsistency in parenting. Rp could thinks child has enough, child doesn't, child taps nrp with sob story, nrp gives extra without discussion, child spends on drink/other, rp gets pissed off!.
Secondly what an ex gets in divorce IS relevant going forward. At least here in Ireland what gets agreed on in a divorce settlement doesn't change unless there's a significant change in circumstances due to something like illness. It's not an open ended thing. And if an ex is getting maintenance for children it is up to that ex to spend the maintenance on the children not on herself. CHILD maintenance is NOT to fund an exes lifestyle. If ex chooses to work or has another means of adding to her kitty that's great, but if she doesn't that's not her ex husbands fault or issue & it is very unfair to expect any divorced person to fund the other divorced person's sitting on their arse because they feel like it!

[Sotiredofthislife]

Well I think one persons dig is another persons background/context

But as background it's irrelevant, isn't it? What the ex got in the divorce does not negate a father's responsibility to provide for his children going forwards. Not legally nor morally. Besides, it would be highly unusual for one party to walk away with nothing at all from a divorce, for example but the 'she got the house' comment is always used as 'evidence' that the other person drew the short straw. You never see 'she got the house but as he had put away £500k in his pension pot, it seemed reasonable he kept that and she kept the house equity'.

Trying to second guess someone else's income, particularly after several years have passed after divorce, is also indicative of trying to shoe horn in a reason why extra money shouldn't be paid and therefore many would interpret that as bitterness.. Regardless of the PWC earnings, a NRP is responsible for paying maintenance so it's a pointless argument.

And even if the ex-PWC is a millionaire who walked away with everything and the ex-NRP is living in absolute poverty (unfortunately in my experience, poverty is the domain of the PWC, not the NRP), that doesn't mean the NRP doesn't want to treat their child directly every now and again or that they should be discouraged from doing so just because the other parent could afford to give the child more. It seems to be step mother rhetoric to count every penny rather than acknowledge that parenting isn't always about the amount given but more being able to give something directly to the child. I'm not an NRP but I can still see that even if I had to hand over my hard earned cash to my ex, I might still want to give something directly to my children, just because. I sincerely hope there is no partner standing over me demanding that I count that money to the nth penny should I ever be in that position.

[Straycats]

MrsKeats, you're not listening to the general consensus. You're sticking your nose in and stirring, it's only between him and his ex, I learned that it was best to stay out of conflict at the beginning of our marriage, my husband dealt with his family and I with mine. Thirty years now and am pleased I did so, lead's to better family harmony.

[Magda72]

Well I think one persons dig is another persons background/context. If it's such a a hot air topic why are you commenting? Why don't you ignore it instead?

[stuffedpeppers]

Magda - OP is bitter, the whole thread is full of digs.

At the core of this is a 17yr old who asked her Dad for money and gave him her reasons. OP and her DP have gone off at a tangent and blamed the mother, believing the daughter. I have seen my son work both his father and I for monies by lying to each of us - aged 8. He could have asked the mother what allowance she was giving as he wanted to ensure she learned some financial responsibility etc

However, the digs about the split, her bills, the house etc etc etc - are indicative of bitterness

Sorry this is a hot air story of nothing.

[Magda72]

@stuffedpeppers the op doesn't sound bitter at all. She sounds frustrated & worried that her dh is been taken for a ride by his ex &/or his daughter!
This archaic attitude that men have to shoulder the financial burden in intact & separates families is really damaging; just as damaging as the attitude that women have to shoulder all the housework/childminding!
Either way in this instance we are talking about a 17 yr old which hardly equates with 'having the children' & for the life of me I cannot understand why this man is expected to give extra to an almost adult while the dm (if the 17 year old is to be believed) plays the poor mouth card. She got a very good settlement & is hardly stuck in the house with a bunch of toddlers 'unable' to work outside the home!
This expectation that men should provide endlessly for everyone is crazy & it's no wonder there's such high levels of male depression & male suicide! I say this as the mother of 2 young men & what I always say to them is find a woman who values her financial independence & IF they end up with a partner who wishes to not work outside the home - a woman who wants to sah full time with kids - make sure they are BOTH aware that the lifestyle they once had will change! Money does not grow on trees, contrary to what some exes on here seem to believe! I also say to them that if either of them end up being a sah dad to make sure they at least maintain a little bit of part time work to give THEM some financial independence from their partners.
It's the 21st century ffs, yet some of the attitudes on here are positively medieval!!!

[Techway]

The asset split was likely to be 50:50 so I guess he retained his pension.