Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

[Mrskeats]

That's rubbish steg
It seems 2nd wives are always at fault even though I'm bloody paying towards step kids
It's never enough anyway.

[Mrskeats]

And yes both kids should work
Both mine did/do will studying

[Stegosaurus1990]

It’s never enough! My DH and exW had a very short marriage and DH was generous in the settlement to ensure DSS was provided for. Which means no mortgage etc. ExW had £3k each month in the financial disclosure. Yet wasn’t enough. I honestly think she’s lost sight of the value of money and doesn’t see that my DH’s obligation is to DSS but also thinks he should maintain her lifestyle too.

I pride myself on being an independent woman and am glad that should me and exH spilt I can support myself and my son without having to keep asking for money beyond CMS. It’s nice having your “own” money. ExW treats DH like a credit facility.

I do think second families get the dregs.

[Tootyfruityfoo]

Wow that is a lot of money. Yes of course it's your business it's your family too. Is there a reason he agreed to such a high amount? Sounds ludicrous to me how does she justify needing this money with no bills and her own income? As for dsd I'd be saying she gets a job at her age and gently informed that her mother is far from poor she's not a child really. Giving her money is only encouraging her not to work. Also if she won't get a job and mother won't pay for phone tough luck imo. Sounds like your dh is a bit of a soft touch. How does he view all this? Can u sit him down and discuss these issues.

[AnnaNimmity]

I wouldn't be a second wife for anything! and I'm saying that as the first wife who receives a hefty chunk of maintenance for my children. The new wife is subsidising him because children are expensive.

But I'm not frittering away maintenance, I'm receiving a fair and not excessive amount (which was agreed with exH), and I'm parenting alone, so I don't feel too bad about it I'm afraid. But would I move in with a man with children? no.

[Iwantacookie]

I wouldn't rely on what the dc says on the money front dd told her dad that I hadn't given her any money to buy xmas presents.
In fact I had give her £80 towards presents and said she would have to put some of her own money in.

How do you know ew isn't paying an allowance for the dc that takes up the maintenance?
My dc get HALF of the maintenance I get in pocket money.

[Magda72]

@Mrskeats - I also wanted to add that what I do re pocket money is as follows: I give my 17 year old 20 a week - 10 from me & 10 out of what his dad pays me. This covers haircuts, cinema, coffee with gf etc. He has savings from his summer job so he uses that for things like phone repairs, items of clothing he wants but doesn't need iyswim. Using his savings makes him prudent with money as he sees how quickly the balance goes down if he doesn't watch it.
If he's wants to go on a night out on the weekends he's with me I give him a little extra if I'm happy for him to go out & if I can afford to. If he wants to do similar on weekends he's with his dad that's between himself & his dad & if his dad says no he knows not to ask me for money on his dad's weekends & vice versa - I handle my weekends & exh handles his. This has worked very well for us so far.

[Auberjean]

What astonishes me is the frequency with which second wives criticise the lifestyle and behaviour of the first.

[Mrskeats]

DSD insists that her mum doesn't give her pocket money
Good for you steg I work hard and know I could (and have) support myself and was a single parent for 7 years.

[Mrskeats]

The amount is very high I know-dh is a bit of a soft touch
It was higher previously as he actually paid all her bills!

[Mrskeats]

Only if the first is lying to her daughter by saying that we don't pay much auber. This is a lie. DH has spoken to his daughter and laid out what we pay.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

What astonishes me is the frequency with which second wives criticise the lifestyle and behaviour of the first

what astonishes me is the disbelief that sometimes first wives entirely deserve the criticism.

Believe me, I have had more criticism off dps ex than she has had off me. Any whinges about lifestyle and money come from her aimed at me!

[Magda72]

@Stegosaurus1990 - you could be me writing about exdp & his exw! I posted on another thread in the last few days about how high maintenance payments actually demotivate certain women from going back to work & being independent (especially when kids are school going age/teens etc.). Exdp's ex also had lost sight of the value of money & both she & the kids were treating him like an atm. It was sickening to watch.
My own exh's income has improved a lot since we split 10 years ago. Do I expect my maintenance to now increase? No. Do I expect him to spend more on my kids when they are with him? Yes, but ONLY if he's increasing his spending on his two kids with his dw. If he chooses to save all his income & teach the kids lessons about being frugal with money that's his prerogative - it's HIS money & it only becomes my issue if he reneges on maintenance/education commitments as per our divorce agreement, OR if he financially treats my kids differently to those he has with dw.
I am a first wife but for the life of me I cannot understand why some first wives feel their EX h has an obligation to fund their lives - it bewilders me. I do the majority of child rearing for my kids & yes it has exhausted me & tempered my career prospects but I CHOSE that as exh is great in many ways but can be very flakey & would still be flakey if we were still together - I was always going to have to be the more together parent no matter what the circumstances so me expecting recompense for majority childcare is unreasonable seeing as I chose to procreate with him .

[hsegfiugseskufh]

magda I wish all ex wives were like you. I think I would find step parenting so much easier if I was dealing with someone like you who I could actually have a rational conversation with!

[Stegosaurus1990]

@Mrskeats sorry, I wasn’t trying to be goady, it’s just this outlook that keeps me sane. I spent a few years being bitter and the anger doesn’t help.

[Mrskeats]

steg I wasn't being sarcastic at all. I was saying your attitude is good and it's a shame you have to spend less time with your son. I miss out on time with my kids/family as I work 50-55 hours a week now
Sorry confusion

[Mrskeats]

magda thanks for your post
It's refreshing to read

[slipperywhensparticus]

I never gave my kids pocket money still dont now I do buy them everything they need and a lot of wants too

[Gingerkittykat]

His maintenance should be coming out of his own income. He should be renegotiating if he can't afford it.

The money he spends on DSS is completely separate from maintenance money for DSD.

He can't legally take the maintenance and give it to DSD as an allowance.

I would also be trying to find out exactly what is going on re DSD getting money from her mum.

[Stegosaurus1990]

Magda - refreshing to read.

high maintenance payments actually demotivate certain women from going back to work & being independent

Think this is true. But maintenance doesn’t last forever and I think some women will be in a hole when they end!

[Betterversionofme]

There was done a lot of research work when child maintenance system was set-up. To make it work better for benefit of children. It's basically certain percentage of income based on number of children and paying parent income.
Child maintenance is to contribute to raising a child. For heating, food, rent/mortgage, socks, ... You don't give your child some pocket money and take it of child maintenance. Give pocket money by all means if you want, but on the top of child maintenance. And you don't speak to your child how much you give to their other parent. Unless you are kind of parent who tells own kid who is chewing croissant how much it costs.
Stop being preoccupied with ex's budget.
Do your part properly.

[Mrskeats]

do my part properly
I feel I am doing my part by working extra to pay towards step kids

[Betterversionofme]

In UK it is certain percentage. I think maximum 19% if you have lots of kids, less if 1 or 2 or have other children in your new relationship. Or are on benefit or really low income. I don't think it is fair to say that it is massive amount.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

better what is ops part, out of interest?

[hsegfiugseskufh]

better it can be a massive amount if the paying parent is a high earner, clearly!