Ex not spending maintenance on kids

[Mrskeats]

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

†We are a family. It's family money whichever account it comes from*
Totally disagree with that. It is ultimately coming out of his share to the account. You opting to have joint accounts is your choice it doesn't make the contribution yours too. It has nothing to do with you.

You do come across much more interested in making this about the ex getting too much money from your oh and spending it in a leisure way for herself being neglectful of her dd rather than wanting to discuss the possibility that your dsd might not be telling you the full picture to suit her wishes. It's left with 'she told me so it must true just like she says it'

It is our concern if DSD's needs are not being met and if money provided is not being put towards her upkeep in what way are her needs not being met? People have asked you this question multiple times and you have refused to answer it. And no, going out with her mates is not a need, it is a desire which should be facilitated where possible

So exactly where are her needs not being met? Is she neglected? Do they go without food? Does she not have clean clothes? A bed to sleep in? Because those are her needs Her simply saying that her mother says there’s not enough money doesn’t mean her needs aren’t being met it likely means that her expectations are too high. But because your husband hasn’t addressed this with the ex you are spouting this hysteria about her needs not being met with absolutely nothing to go on other than a teenager’s constant requests for money.

Welcome to the real world. Teenagers constantly request money. Not being given it doesn’t mean their needs aren’t being met.

I’d quite like to live in a mansion and think that if I am unable to do that then my needs aren’t being met.... oh, wait.....

Stop the spousal maintenance now. Ridiculous.

Rather than pay his daughter he should have told her firmly to move in with him / get her own place so maintenance could be adjusted. I would bet the minute he said this the DSD would have refused because she probably is being supported quite well by her mum but just wants money from her dad. Alternatively have you considered there may be problems with the way dsd is spending money? My DC stopped giving her dd money because she was spending it on weed, her ex then decided to plug the difference after dd complained to him, and now the girl is in her third round of rehab and ss have gotten involved because they said the ex is enabling her.

He needs to talk to his ex before he changes any financial plans, and maybe take things to court if the money he’s already providing doesn’t reach his kids.

He needs to talk to his ex before he changes any financial plan

This with bells on.

Agree that you should not rule out the possibility of DSD trying it on until you have spoken to her mother.

If dsd is 17 surely there's only 9 or 21 months (depending on what school year she is) until CM ends?

OP are you going to clarify what needs aren't being met? If she eats masses when she comes to yours it's because she's a teen and they eat loads If it's about the phone being fixed maybe mum is trying to encourage dsd to save or she broke the phone as a result of being careless and she's being made to wait for a repair for Xmas? My teens know similar aged kids who frequently smash phones out of carelessness.

@Bollykecks

her "bills" as in her mortgage and her gas and electric etc aren't his concern, you're right. She would be paying them regardless.

Not true. She may get a smaller house / use less utilities / food. So CM will contribute to these.

She can do what she likes with cm, but its not her exs problem how she pays her bills!

He is paying for his child. How she spends it is her issue.

Ie if he gives her money and she doesnt pay her bills thats on her not on him!

I dont personally agree with your statement anyway bar the food because dss lived with us and when he moved out we didn't immediately downsize and get rid of his bedroom neither did our electric bill massively shrink.

There is no mortgage as I've said a few times
He basically gave her a house

Are you ever going to answer which needs aren't being met?

Mrskeats, I think you might be annoyed that your husband was too generous with the divorce settlement. You might be Right but you need To make peace with it and move on.

Set aside your annoyance with this lady (it might well be justified, but it’s not doing any of you any good) and focus on the step kids. The maintenance won’t be paid for much longer. If there truly are welfare issues then your husband needs to step up - if his daughter is being neglected he needs to act.

Pocket money and treats are discretionary, it is unfair of your husband to take them out of maintenance.

According to DDS they are 'poor' and she won't aka her mum for money for anything.
She says she didn't get to go out etc to answer your question beside
Who knows what's true and what's guilt tripping

Yeah she’s probably lying and I would bet only rates the relationship with your DH in terms of money (like my kids with nrp who value financial contributions over time spent tend to learn how to do).

Ok, so the issue is that your husband is very generous and/or a bit of a soft touch; he agreed via mediation to pay £1.5k per month to his ex. This is a third of his net salary.

His daughter says that her mother is too poor to give her an allowance so your husband has set up a £20 a week direct debit and deducted this from the agreed £1.5k.

You are working 50-55 hours to facilitate the above payments as a family. Your H is composing an email to his ex to outline all of the above and to ask that their daughter doesn't hear about how poor the ex is, when she isn't.

I don't get where the daughter's needs aren't being met. Sounds much more as if she's pushing her father to see what she can extract from him, knowing that he's soft.

Sorry if I have forgotten key bits.

That's a good summary lobster
We shall see what response to the email

He did not give her a house - he worked and she had kids.

You are one bitter second wife.

The asset split was likely to be 50:50 so I guess he retained his pension.

@stuffedpeppers the op doesn't sound bitter at all. She sounds frustrated & worried that her dh is been taken for a ride by his ex &/or his daughter!
This archaic attitude that men have to shoulder the financial burden in intact & separates families is really damaging; just as damaging as the attitude that women have to shoulder all the housework/childminding!
Either way in this instance we are talking about a 17 yr old which hardly equates with 'having the children' & for the life of me I cannot understand why this man is expected to give extra to an almost adult while the dm (if the 17 year old is to be believed) plays the poor mouth card. She got a very good settlement & is hardly stuck in the house with a bunch of toddlers 'unable' to work outside the home!
This expectation that men should provide endlessly for everyone is crazy & it's no wonder there's such high levels of male depression & male suicide! I say this as the mother of 2 young men & what I always say to them is find a woman who values her financial independence & IF they end up with a partner who wishes to not work outside the home - a woman who wants to sah full time with kids - make sure they are BOTH aware that the lifestyle they once had will change! Money does not grow on trees, contrary to what some exes on here seem to believe! I also say to them that if either of them end up being a sah dad to make sure they at least maintain a little bit of part time work to give THEM some financial independence from their partners.
It's the 21st century ffs, yet some of the attitudes on here are positively medieval!!!

Magda - OP is bitter, the whole thread is full of digs.

At the core of this is a 17yr old who asked her Dad for money and gave him her reasons. OP and her DP have gone off at a tangent and blamed the mother, believing the daughter. I have seen my son work both his father and I for monies by lying to each of us - aged 8. He could have asked the mother what allowance she was giving as he wanted to ensure she learned some financial responsibility etc

However, the digs about the split, her bills, the house etc etc etc - are indicative of bitterness

Sorry this is a hot air story of nothing.

Well I think one persons dig is another persons background/context. If it's such a a hot air topic why are you commenting? Why don't you ignore it instead?

MrsKeats, you're not listening to the general consensus. You're sticking your nose in and stirring, it's only between him and his ex, I learned that it was best to stay out of conflict at the beginning of our marriage, my husband dealt with his family and I with mine. Thirty years now and am pleased I did so, lead's to better family harmony.

Well I think one persons dig is another persons background/context

But as background it's irrelevant, isn't it? What the ex got in the divorce does not negate a father's responsibility to provide for his children going forwards. Not legally nor morally. Besides, it would be highly unusual for one party to walk away with nothing at all from a divorce, for example but the 'she got the house' comment is always used as 'evidence' that the other person drew the short straw. You never see 'she got the house but as he had put away £500k in his pension pot, it seemed reasonable he kept that and she kept the house equity'.

Trying to second guess someone else's income, particularly after several years have passed after divorce, is also indicative of trying to shoe horn in a reason why extra money shouldn't be paid and therefore many would interpret that as bitterness.. Regardless of the PWC earnings, a NRP is responsible for paying maintenance so it's a pointless argument.

And even if the ex-PWC is a millionaire who walked away with everything and the ex-NRP is living in absolute poverty (unfortunately in my experience, poverty is the domain of the PWC, not the NRP), that doesn't mean the NRP doesn't want to treat their child directly every now and again or that they should be discouraged from doing so just because the other parent could afford to give the child more. It seems to be step mother rhetoric to count every penny rather than acknowledge that parenting isn't always about the amount given but more being able to give something directly to the child. I'm not an NRP but I can still see that even if I had to hand over my hard earned cash to my ex, I might still want to give something directly to my children, just because. I sincerely hope there is no partner standing over me demanding that I count that money to the nth penny should I ever be in that position.

@Sotiredofthislife if an nrp wants to give extra to minor kids it should be discussed with their other parent as to why & what for as it presents an inconsistency in parenting. Rp could thinks child has enough, child doesn't, child taps nrp with sob story, nrp gives extra without discussion, child spends on drink/other, rp gets pissed off!.
Secondly what an ex gets in divorce IS relevant going forward. At least here in Ireland what gets agreed on in a divorce settlement doesn't change unless there's a significant change in circumstances due to something like illness. It's not an open ended thing. And if an ex is getting maintenance for children it is up to that ex to spend the maintenance on the children not on herself. CHILD maintenance is NOT to fund an exes lifestyle. If ex chooses to work or has another means of adding to her kitty that's great, but if she doesn't that's not her ex husbands fault or issue & it is very unfair to expect any divorced person to fund the other divorced person's sitting on their arse because they feel like it!

Please tell me where I have said
a) child maintenance is for the mother to spend on herself
b) that an ex should expect to have her lifestyle funded by her ex husband
c) that a divorce settlement isn’t a fixed thing.

I have been through divorce. What I got (was what I had worked hard for) has no relevance whatsoever going forwards. My ex has to pay maintenance for his children. I am well-off in my own right due to inheritance which my ex uses as an excuse to not pay maintenance. He too would tell you he bought me a house. He didn’t, not by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, but it suits him to have engineered the story that way. And he absolutely doesn’t need to tell me he’s giving money to the children. His choice. Nothing to do with me.

If circumstances change ie through inheritance then that obviously does affect maintenance so not sure why people are surprised by that.
Anyway back to normal.
Full maintenance paid on Friday, pocket money to dsd and yet first demand tonight for more money.