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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bio child doesnt want to see stepson

26 replies

Felic23 · 11/11/2019 20:06

My partner and I have been together 5 years. His Son lives with him full time. His Son does have some anger issues (attends special school) but has improved massively and is almost fine now. The problem is the older my Son gets (10yrs) the less he want to see Ss. Hes never really wanted to spend time with him but they got along ok and made some good memories. My ss has no issue with my Son and will ask to see him. My Son said the other day totally calm not in anger that he hates him!
Im finding it very awkward as my partner wants to do stuff all of us and I dont weather to keep involving my Son when he doesnt want to spend time around his Son.
We only get to see each other with kids sometimes so would mean seeing a lot less of each other. Does anyone have any experience of this situation?

Thanks

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 11/11/2019 20:24

Why does your son hate him? That’s a strong emotion for a child so what’s the back story?

FabulouslyGlamorousBat · 11/11/2019 20:38

I imagine if his anger issues warrant a 'special school' then he is probably quite volatile and possibly unsettling for your son to be around.

I have no advice other than in a couple of years you will be able to leave your son alone for a few hours whilst you see your partner

Original poster

Felic23 · 11/11/2019 20:51

His son was agressive towards my Son when they were younger and his anger issues were very apparent but since then they seemed to have got passed that and get on ok 70% of the time. They are worlds apart in personalities and interests. I guess when kids are younger they play with anyone but as they get older differences are more noticeable.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 11/11/2019 21:38

They boys are not blood related and you aren't married to your partner so there is no reason to force your son to have contact with the other boy if he doesn't want that contact.

Just make polite excuses for why your son isn't around/you are not available when your partner wants them to both meet up.

Original poster

Felic23 · 11/11/2019 23:09

Thanks for your reply. Ive been doing that lately. I think it will have to be that way as your right i dont want to force him.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 11/11/2019 23:12

Maybe he’s actually using the other boy as an excuse for you not seeing his father?

TiceCream · 11/11/2019 23:21

If your son doesn’t like your partners son and doesn’t want to spend time with him it seems unfair to force him. Maybe occasionally he could grit his teeth and be polite but I don’t think it’s reasonable to make him be friends or hang out on a regular basis. Especially if there’s a history of past aggression or problem behaviour, I wouldn’t want to be forced to be around someone like that.

Do you leave the boys alone together or insist they play together and be “friends”? Perhaps your son feels the other boy is being forced onto him?

Original poster

Felic23 · 12/11/2019 00:01

No ive told him its okay if he doesnt like him. His Son doesnt have many friends. I think children dont know how to take him. They have spent times together througout the years on holidays and days out etc. But my Son has never been overly keen but will take part and seem to have fun on many occasions. As hes got older last 6 months or so he just doesnt want to spend time wuth him. He really likes my partner i know its not him thats any part of it. Just wanted to know what other ppl opinion were. Its hard to not do things together as were in a serious long term relationship. But they are few and far between as i dont want my Son to have to spend time with him.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 12/11/2019 06:33

Your son has every right not to spend time with someone who has been aggressive towards him. I'd just be honest with your partner.

Original poster

Felic23 · 12/11/2019 09:12

Id understand more if since the aggression he had not want to spend time but that was yrs ago they have been fine after the behaviour settled down its just recently he has decided he doesnt want to spend anytime with him. We have had a short holiday recently and that was ok and im sure my Son would say if there were any problems and he always has in past and its been dealt with seriously by myself and partner.

OP posts:

IdiotInDisguise · 17/11/2019 12:09

Your child is getting older, at that age they sometimes do not want to join with all the family stuff they didn’t mind before.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 12:13

Even though the anger issue has reduced, that doesn’t meant the boy is someone your son likes. People have different personalities and some of them just don’t gel. Your son shouldn’t have to socialise with someone just because you’re dating their parent. If they got along then sure, no problem, but they don’t so you’ll just have to date without involving your children.

Original poster

Felic23 · 17/11/2019 18:14

Thanks for replies. I am keeping get togethers to a minimum just special occasions like x mas etc

OP posts:

Branleuse · 17/11/2019 18:28

I think this is going to be tricky. I think if you have a long standing relationship with this man, and his child has disabilities and has progressed then it wouldnt do your son any harm to be tolerant, even if they dont get along.
My children can all be very intolerant of each others difficulties, but its not as if I can agree that they just dont see each other, and I dont see why this should be different with step siblings within reason.

ColaFreezePop · 17/11/2019 20:39

@Branleuse your children are related. These children are not in any way. The only thing they have in common is that one of their parents is dating their other parent. If you aren't related to someone then there is no reason to spend time with them if you don't want to.

Branleuse · 17/11/2019 20:47

Yeah but they've been together 5 years. Hardly a new relationship either or an aquaintances kid.
In the real world, children sre generally encouraged to try and get along with family members including stepfamilies, barring abuse etc. Not pander to everything.
I know there are limits and the child should have boundaries respected, and wouldnt make them share a room or move in together etc, but to never have to see them because they upset you a few years back due to their disability, I think id be speaking a bit more about tolerance and trying to make some compromises instead, personally

Original poster

Felic23 · 17/11/2019 21:00

They compromise we have made is not moving in together. I feel like if we can see each other without boys then we will do that as the first option as we are not forming a new family we are in a relationship where we both have a child. If we cant get babysitters then we will do the occasional sleep over but i dont want to force my Son into spending time with a child he doesnt want to as i know i would really not like that.

OP posts:

StickyToffeeTart · 17/11/2019 21:03

Sorry if I've missed it somewhere, but how old is your stepson?

Original poster

Felic23 · 18/11/2019 10:23

Sorry I didnt say he is 9 so a year younger than my Son.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 18/11/2019 18:44

@Branleuse I think what you're describing is right - in theory. I went into my relationship with my ex dp thinking that if all our teens didn't automatically click with each other they'd all make an effort to get on socially as that's what's polite & well mannered & what you do for your parents. It's what I've done for my sons' gfs etc.
I couldn't have been more wrong! My kids became friends on social media with exdp's nieces & nephews whom they met at family occasions but they could not gel with his own kids no matter how hard they tried. They didn't have much in common but the wall dp's kids put up was massive & my kids got to a point where they ceased to make an effort. I think both sets of kids would have been less entrenched in their attitudes to each other if they'd just met any old way but the fact that their parents were together added a layer of complexity to the situation that I never saw coming. Dp didn't want to force his to spend too much time with kids they had no interest in being around & I eventually got fed up with my guys making great efforts but being constantly rebuked - so, we generally kept them apart bar get togethers & a city break or two which were fine & we were always hopeful that the fun stuff would thaw the ice a little. However, we tried a holiday last year which was a disaster & we eventually decided to split - we too had been together 5 years.
I'm not one for pandering to kids/teens but it's very hard to force your child to be in the company of other kids if they're feeling uncomfortable.
@Felic23 - I doubt your ds actually hates your dp's son but I'm sure his negative feelings towards him are heightened by the worry he probably has regarding this boy's potential to become a permanent fixture in his life. Cousins, friends etc. you can get a breather from, but he's probably very worried that a boy who was mean to him is going to end up in his life on a daily basis so he's 'exaggerating' his dislike to ensure distance.
As I see it you can either tackle it head on while they're both quite young or keep dating as you're doing.
However, if my experience has taught me anything it's that kids/teens get even more entrenched in how THEY want things as they get older - it's the nature of the beast so to speak, so you could be dating for a very long time.

Original poster

Felic23 · 18/11/2019 20:38

Thanks @Magda72 for your message. Really helpful to hear another story of a similar situation. Its really hard as my Som seems to already be at the age where he feels strongly about not spending time with him. He will go and he will be polite and there wont be moody faces or rudeness so its perfectly bearable. We have accepted we cannot live together, the way the boys are and me being full time step Mum will no doubt have a negative response from my Son and worsen eveything. Can i ask Magda72 did your children not getting along impact the relationship so much so you decided to split? I hope we can continue to have a strong relationship but it is hard when family life is so separate.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 18/11/2019 20:46

@Branleuse Just because one has a disability the fact the children don't get on shouldn't be treated differently.

Someone with a disability is still a person and if you don't get on with them because of their personality then you don't get on.

I've spoken to parents, step-parents (including de facto) and older children where siblings, including half and step, don't get on and forcing it doesn't make it any better.

In fact the parents and step-parents of children where one has a disability pointed out to me the one without it will volunteer or even work professionally with other people with disabilities including the same disability but just dislikes their own sibling/half-sibling/step-sibling.

Branleuse · 18/11/2019 21:46

@colafreezepop Most autistic kids are screwed then arent they if noone is going to encourage children to have tolerance and kindness or flexibility towards them I guess arent they.

Original poster

Felic23 · 18/11/2019 21:59

I just wanted to clear up the fact he doesnt have a disability. He has been tested for Autism and ADHD etc and has neither. He has a temper and finds it hard to get along with other children at times. He goes to a special school as he was excluded from mainstream school.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 18/11/2019 22:07

@Branleuse nope as kids with ASD don't all behave the same way.

Interestingly enough the kids where their sibling dislikes them don't have ASD.

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