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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

extra days extra work for me only

25 replies

Chatnel36 · 28/11/2018 00:40

My DH keeps offering to take my SD extra days, yeah that's nice for him but he leaves for work early and gets home late so it's up to me to : get her breakfast, get her ready, make her lunch, school run etc. I also have a 2 year old and work full time.
I don't want to sounds like bitchy step mum by complaining about having her but how would you handle this? I understand he wants to spend time with her but he just let's her play on ipad all night anyway.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Blendingrock · 28/11/2018 01:26

How old is she?

Original poster

Chatnel36 · 28/11/2018 03:26

almost 8

OP posts:

swingofthings · 28/11/2018 05:08

On these days he should sort out with his job for stsrt/finish work/work from home with his job. Expecting you to do it all is unacceptable. If it is really not possible whilst you can and its a one off, he should ask if you are OK to do it, show is appreciation and do all what he can, ie. set breakfast, arrange her clothes and school bag etc... before he leaves.

Firefliess · 28/11/2018 07:37

Why is he doing it? If it's because his ex needs it because then that's hard to refuse, though he should talk it over with you first. If he's offering just so he can see more of her, there's no need for that if he hardly see her.

Firefliess · 28/11/2018 07:38

Sorry that should have read because she's working

WhiteCat1704 · 28/11/2018 07:53

What swingofthings said.

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 07:57

Nope not on, he should be consulting you before agreeing unless he’s there to do all the childcare himself.
Why do we never hear stories like this about Stepdads? It’s always the women that end up with the short straw.
He’s taking advantage (and so is his Ex if she’s aware)

Spanglyprincess1 · 28/11/2018 08:27

I don't do this. Dp tried it once when I was WFH over school holidays.expected me to have the kids and work. I refused and went to my mom's to work - it's impossible with three kids in the house.
He sulked but never ever did it again without asking me first.
I'd speak to him and not do it if he didn't ask/make arrangements to do at least 50%

hamabr86 · 28/11/2018 09:36

No chance, tell him if he wants to do it he can go into work late. His kid, his grunt work, unless he fancies paying you the going rate for a nanny. Why do men always try and do this??

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/11/2018 13:56

He’s taking advantage (and so is his Ex if she’s aware)

Even if she does know about it, it's still not her issue to sort, is it? As far as she's concerned, she's asked her ex to care for their children when she is unable to. Many dads would give anything for that to happen. It's not her responsibility that he only says yes because he knows he can put the responsibility of childcar onto his new partner. That's between them.

SandyY2K · 28/11/2018 14:02

Why do we never hear stories like this about Stepdads? It’s always the women that end up with the short straw.

Totally agree...but if you allow it, it continues to happen.

Tell him...he has to discuss it with you and get your agreement ...as you are the one doing the work.

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 16:53

ohreally I know what you’re saying but I’ve seen on these threads before that there are situations where the ex deliberately is pushing the kids onto the SM for free childcare and both parents have colluded in it.
I worked in a term time only position up until relatively recently and I would often get DP’s Ex texting asking me to help out with the youngest SD. Occasionally I don’t mind doing it if she’s really stuck but it became clear she was using me as free childcare to save herself paying for kids clubs etc.
In the end I made it clear to her and DP that the reason I worked that job was so I could spend quality time with my own children and just started saying no.
My kids are from a previous relationship so I think that made it easier to refuse as I wasn’t caring for one sibling and not another.
Sly Ex then started getting SD to FaceTime my DD and lay it on thick about how much she would rather be with us than the childminder etc, how she would love to come to cinema/ice skating/zoo wherever we were going. Or how if she stayed at our house she could see her dad for a bit (he leaves for work at 5.30am and comes home around 7.30pm so he’s never had them during the week. Funnily enough SD wasn’t bothered about seeing him extra at the weekends, only on the days mum was at work!
In the end I asked DD to not answer her FaceTime calls unless they were at the weekend. It was awful and made me feel so guilty... but at the end of the day it isn’t my responsibility to provide her mum with free childcare

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2018 16:57

Yep, tell dh he’s taking you for granted and you are going to stay at a friends the night before she comes so he has to do the morning and drop off and pick up. This will be the arrangement until he respects your time.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/11/2018 18:41

It might. It be your responsibility, but it is the father’s responsibility to take his fair share of the hassle of childcare and your post suggests he really isn’t doing that Instagram?

It’s a minefield, I understand and I would never personally presume on the new partner. I do, however, expect my ex to deal with it (he doesn’t so I pay for 20% more childcare than I technically need to cover my self) and if he puts on a new partner, that’s for her to deal with!

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 19:13

That’s unfair to assume... He does but he only gets 4 weeks of holiday a year so he can’t cover half of the school holidays.
Ex however claims working tax credits with the childcare element and only works 3 days a week so really it is down to her to cover the shortfall, not expect me to cover it so she can pocket the cash.

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 19:16

Oh before anyone asks how I know she can claim for the holiday period, the childminder is a friend of her family and they fudge bills etc so it appears she paying more in childcare and more frequently than she is.
Highly illegal and immoral, but nothing to do with me.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/11/2018 19:17

There are 13 weeks holiday a year. Why should she cover 9 of them? She too is working and her tax credits do not cover the full cost of childcare and may not cover the holidays at all (as you can’t claim for a change that lasts less than 4 weeks so you need an annual total which isn’t always easy to come by). The ex still has to cover her working days even if she is part-time. Why does dad get to throw his hands up and say ‘not my responsibility?’.

ZenNudist · 28/11/2018 19:20

Tell him to stop offering you out to do free childcare. Also he needs to step up and alter his working hours so he can do more with dsd. Poor kid. I always feel sorry for stepchildren who are expected to spend time with their step parents rather than their actual parents.

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 19:29

He doesn’t, he covers 4 weeks worth which is 28 days... a full week at Christmas, a full week in the summer, and lots of days here and there because she only works 3 days a week
I’ve just explained how I know it covers the holidays, childminder does higher bills pro-rata which covers the holiday periods (even the time DP or other family members have SD) which Ex claims back 70% of.
She’s in profit from it some months, we know this because she suggested I did this with my DD before I went term time only a few years ago.
So for example if weekly after school care for SD came to £30pw and holiday cover was £120pw then the childminder adds £30 x 49 and £120 x 13 then divides it by 12 to give a monthly bill - so it’s a false amount ae SD doesn’t go there 13 weeks of the year.
As childminder is a family friend she’s not bothered if SD doesn’t go and Ex pockets the cash.
She’s claiming 70% of the inflated figure

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 19:29

Sorry my comment above was in response to @ohreallyohreallyoh

InstagramPork · 28/11/2018 19:30

Sorry £30pw x 39 I meant

HeckyPeck · 28/11/2018 21:44

He’s taking the right piss!

TooSassy · 29/11/2018 12:28

Not on. Lazy parenting and not acceptable. If he has made plans to see his DC more then he needs to flex his work so that he’s at home. Or he needs to arrange for childcare.
It’s one thing if he asks you to help out and it’s pre agreed, but even then everything should be done and ready. So lunch made night before. School bags ready. Uniform clean.

My DP helps out very occasionally with my DC but everything is done for him and it’s rare that I ask him. I bite the bullet and pay for a nanny even though I really don’t necessarily need to. Why? Because I expect him to do the same for his DC. We will always help each other but we are not each other’s lackeys

Cherries101 · 29/11/2018 12:31

Suggest that he hires a nanny or childminder for both kids before and after school; cleaner etc. You’re not a housewife, you also work as many hours as he does and are then expected to pick up after them at home: that’s not acceptable.

MachineBee · 15/12/2018 22:41

It got ridiculous with my DSCs so that one Xmas I ended up leaving them all to it and went to my Dad’s instead. There were other issues re the way my DSC treated me and my DH didn’t do a thing about it, so I decided to leave them to it. When I got back, he’d had a miserable time. His DCs had been as rude and obnoxious to him as they had been to me and finally he realised that he had to step up and be a better parent.

It didn’t improve overnight but it has been getting better bit by bit.

Sometimes you need to make them realise where their responsibilities actually lie.

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