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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to book a week away without DSS

26 replies

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 10:42

No flaming please!
We have just returned from a long weekend away with the kids DS age 1 and 3 and Dss age 8. We are going away in June ( all of us ) also for a week abroad and it will be our first family holiday abroad.
MY question is i have found a cheap deal for a week away in August giving our 3 year old free child place and as the baby is only 1 he goes free anyways WIBU to book this. DSS mum is going on holiday with in the summer also with DSS.

The holidays would be within days of each other as my husband and her partner get the same trades weeks of in summer.
WWYD?
I dont want to upset him but i also dont want our children missing out.

OP posts:

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ourkidmolly · 09/02/2018 10:49

Why wouldn't you?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 09/02/2018 10:52

We go away every year without my step children we can't afford to go in school holidays and are making the most of our little ones not being at school and going away in term time. Dsc understand and they get a 2 week holiday abroad every year with their mum and we take them for days out over the holidays and my OH takes them camping for a couple of nights throughout the year.

Lovely456 · 09/02/2018 10:55

I would personally.

Original poster

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 10:59

ourkidmolly- I wouldnt want him to think he was being left out , but thinking logically hes not misssing out as he would have just come back from a week with his mum and we should jump at the chance as next year the baby will have to pay.
smilling- We do lots as a family days away etc we have him almost 50/50 shared and if we do have a day away that we know he would like he will also have extra time with us and come.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 09/02/2018 11:04

I’m not sure we would take our DD away and not take DSD especially in the school holiday as I would feel that she might feel left out and excluded but then we did used to go away just us two so maybe it’s not that different to that.
I kind of think even more so reading that you have nearly 50/50 care he might feel upset. However you know him best and my DSD doesn’t get taken away by her Mum which is part of why we wouldn’t do it.

ChelseaDagg3r · 09/02/2018 11:07

No. Never in a million years. And your partner shouldn't be allowing it either. I know he's not your child but he's your partners child and he should be treating his own children equally.

Doesn't matter that this little boy is going away with his mum. His father should take all his kids away or not at all.

lunar1 · 09/02/2018 11:09

I think it's easy for people to kid themselves that it's fine and they are going away with Mum so it doesn't matter that dad goes off with new family.

It hurts, but step children become very good and hiding emotions they think would upset either parent.

ourkidmolly · 09/02/2018 11:13

Sorry no don't buy that. Different children need different things at different times. Treating them equally doesn't mean always doing the same thing for all. I meant get take one child somewhere abroad for their sport etc. Another dc doesn't get to go. If you a holiday then you need a holiday. Kids aren't entitled to everything. No reason he should get twice as many holidays. Too much angst over this stuff, sounds like you're decent and kind. That's all you can do.

Zampa · 09/02/2018 11:15

As a step-mother myself, I wouldn't take a foreign holiday without my two DSC. It would feel like they were being excluded from a family event. We only do weekends away on non-contact weekends if it's for a specific event.

However, we only go away once a year. As you have two trips planned, one with your DSS, it may not be an issue for one to exclude him.

I'm not sure why your two would be missing out though, as surely they're going on the family holiday in June?

DontDIY · 09/02/2018 11:16

How are your children missing out if they’re already getting a holiday in June? They’re 1 and 3 and won’t even know. But at 8, he’ll know that you choose to leave him behind for the August holiday.

Original poster

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 11:18

Ive actually looked at the price for the 5 of us to go its not actually that much more, i think i will give him the option and see what he would like to do.
I haven't had a lengthy chat about it with his DF im just having a wee look this morning whilst baby napping.
I have come in to money recently and wanted to do something nice with it, wouldn't normally be able to afford to go abroad let alone abroad in hols . It was maybe a bad idea, i just couldnt believe the price for August.

OP posts:

CougheeBean · 09/02/2018 11:42

He's 8. How would he understand why he's only sometimes part of the family? Even up to 12-13 I found it miserable finding out that my dad and SM had gone away without us. Obviously it's more practical, cheaper, time for "your" family without the outsider etc etc etc but how can you reconcile that with the hurt you could cause? Kids don't count up the holiday days and think 'oh well if mum takes me away for 7 days then my half-siblings are owed 7 days away without me' - you're literally just going on holiday and having a lovely time leaving him at home from his perspective.

Sorry, I have strong feelings about this, I'm an adult now and my dad's family still forget to invite me to most family events because I was left out so often as a kid. My uncle mistook me for my brother's girlfriend last year. Start excluding him now and where will it end.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2018 11:46

I think as its a rare treat I would ded include him. Also would he see you between the two holidays or would he have to go a fortnight without contact?

Original poster

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 12:05

It was as a one off. Can i just clarify every we holiday day out and event we go to together.
We will give him the choice.
As i said earlier i was just having a look i haven't booked it.
After reading the comments it's clear that it wouldn't be the best idea. Which is fine.

OP posts:

Rainboho · 09/02/2018 12:12

I couldn’t do it myself. We all go and that’s the deal. I would feel terrible if my or DPs DDs felt left out.

Ex-H goes on holiday with GF (who has not got children) for a week or two in the sun, but doesn’t take DDs or take them away at any other time. Then sends pictures of his holiday to DDs saying what a lovely time he is having. Twat.

Original poster

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 12:18

Coughhee- he's not an outsider ?he's my step child whom i will look after during the holidays whilst his parents work, who i treat equally in the house , who gets love and respect .
Clearly it was wrong to consider it. I just saw it as a cheap week away before had to pay for the 1 year old .
I don't see it as he has so many days with his mum so our kids have so many days with us to match. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child, it must have been awful. Seeing what people have wrote has made me realize that it would be wrong to book it without him.

OP posts:

Justoneme · 09/02/2018 13:55

Sorry I don’t understand ,.... so DSC will be going on holiday with their mother (so they will have two holidays) .... and you are asking if you shouldn’t go on holiday with your own child and DP?

So if you go you, your DP and DC will also have two holidays... if you don’t you will have one holiday....

I would say go on holiday without the DSC.... no one is missing out.

CougheeBean · 09/02/2018 14:29

Sorry that was a bit of a slip, I didn't mean that's how you see him - more that it's easy to feel that way when you're in the step-child position.

FWIW I think it's great what you're doing and that you're giving him the choice, I just see often on here people justifying leaving out the step kids and as I said I do have very strong opinions on it... enjoy your holiday

swingofthings · 09/02/2018 17:38

The only thing that matters is how he is likely to react to this. Some kids would have no issue whatsoever with it, in which case, you'd be stupid not to take the opportunities, some kids though would feel strongly rejected, in which case it would be wrong.

The thing to consider though is what plans is in place in terms of who has the child over the summer holidays. Clearly the holiday would need to be taken at a time his mum wouldn't be expected your OH to have him.

Original poster

Whatafrickennightmare · 09/02/2018 18:10

Well we have chatted about it over tea we are going to not go at all and save for a special holiday for all of us next year as it's my 40th!

OP posts:

Winteriscoming18 · 09/02/2018 21:56

I’m so glad my ex includes ds in all their holidays regardless if he doesn’t live with them he’s still a value member of their family they are family of 4 not 3.

The1975 · 10/02/2018 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlippingFoal · 10/02/2018 13:16

If this is a holiday that the OP is paying for independently of the child's father then she has no responsibility to pay for his other child too. He should make up the shortfall... I don't think I could do it though - i'd want the SC there too as it woukd be a great opportunity for nice times together (provided the DP doesn't expect the OP to do all the childcare as well as pay).

I think the OP is doing a nice thing considering her SS and am sad she is being given a hard time

NorthernSpirit · 11/02/2018 09:02

I have 2 DSC. We have then EOW and half of school holidays.

My OH and I do go away without the children (we are discreet about it as we don’t want to upset the children). We would love to take them with us but the mother doesn’t allow an hour over the stated agreement in a court ordered contact order.

My OH takes them to see his parents in Europe for a week in the summer (on his own). We then take them for a week abroad together in the summer holidays. They go away with their mum for a week in the summer as well. So personally I think they do ok. They get 3 weeks aboard.

You should do what’s best for you and your family. Everyone’s situation is different.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 11/02/2018 13:12

I would have done it.

I find DSS very difficult and after several years of him spoiling holidays, I refuse to go on holiday with him. DH takes him away on their own once a year and the rest of us go with DH once a year. I also do trips away with my dc on my own. Dh and I also have at least one holiday/long weekend a year on our own with no kids.

Though mine are teenagers now and leaving them is easier.

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