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Step-parenting

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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 15:44

Booble and if DD was uncomfortable with changing with the g/f??

Even at a swimming pool?

Would you force her to suck it up, or respect her boundaries??

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 15:47

There are ways of changing a child or changing with a child which don't involve getting up close and personal with each other's bodies.

Estellanpip · 08/02/2018 16:33

I've read this before.

Lovely456 · 08/02/2018 16:35

Yes I remember a thread on here before about it.

Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 16:53

Thing is though, we aren't talking about the GF feeding your DD food she doesn't like, or putting her to bed to early, or something trivial, we are talking about being concerned the GF is being sexually inappropriate and a potential abuser - this is what you are saying this 'inappropriate situation' represents. I would say you are massively UNDER-reacting. Abuse doesn't just happen at night. If I honestly thought someone was being sexually inappropriate with my child they certainly wouldn't be allowed ANY contact at all, day and night.

Has anything else happened which leads you to be concerned about the GF's intentions?

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 17:11

My godsons/daughters/nieces/nephews and children of my best friends are much closer to me than a lot of their family. I wouldn't think twice about changing in front of them or they changing in front of me

So what? They eventually may not like seeing your bits. It's not all about you. No way are they closer to you than their own families, are you the Pied Piper?

I'm also non-Brit we don't fuss about nudity in the way it seems over here - but if you think getting naked in front of other people's children is fine then you'll find out it isn't when one of the parents lamps you one, or you are publicly and vocally shamed for co-ercing peoples children into looking at your private parts.

I have nieces and nephewe. I'm sure there must've been occasions I've needed to get changed but I can casually go into my room to do that. I've no need to show them my arse or more.

I'm just thinking of being little then seeing my grown godparents getting their kit off.
The polite me/being little = I'd likely say nothing as its hard for a child to find their voice but inside I'd be 🤢

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 17:17

I've never posted on here about this (it only happened 2 weeks ago) I did post in the parenting thread at the same time as this post but had it deleted as I got a response on this thread.

No his GF is in the medical profession so is fully checked and DD has never said anything out of the ordinary apart from this occasion. But that still doesn't male it appropriate

OP posts:
BoobleMcB · 08/02/2018 17:30

No way are they closer to you than their own families, are you the Pied Piper?

Yes sorry, you're right. How could they possibly be closer to someone they see at least weekly compared to a family member they don't see for months.

And obviously getting changed in the same room as someone obviously means waving your tits/arse/fanny/cock/balls in their faces and making sure they get a proper look 🤔

demirose87 · 08/02/2018 17:45

Why the hell would you want to be naked in front of someone else's kid? I just don't get it. I'd also be furious if it were one of my kids.

BackToThe90s · 08/02/2018 17:58

I would have thought too that as your dd is only 5, she would have been at eye level with this woman's fanjo and/or bottom. That's waaay to close and I'd be fuming if my 5 year old dd was that close to a woman's bush!

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 17:58

Booble - nope. It just means it's natural to me to go next door to get changed. Without even thinking about it. Not actively get changed in a room full of kids - it is a room full, isn't it? All these kids who somehow don't see their family, but see you regularly.

You don't wear figleaves, do you? So yeah it's tits n arse time I mean if you do it, then own it.

swingofthings · 08/02/2018 18:23

Abuse doesn't just happen at night. If I honestly thought someone was being sexually inappropriate with my child they certainly wouldn't be allowed ANY contact at all, day and night.
That was exactly my point!

You talk about your daughter as if she is yours only and her dad is only a relative she goes and visit. The judge will see him as capable of making a judgement on what is right or wrong for her as you do. You can't dictate what values/beliefs he can share with her because you agree or not with them.

If your OH believes in bodies are beautiful and all that, he is entitled to teach this to your daughter. When I was growing up, my best friends' dad believed in nudism being ok, went to nudist beaches etc... My friend was absolutely fine with it and happy to be naked, that despite the fact that her mum wouldn't have been seen dead naked in front of strangers. She had no issue with her daughter doing so though.

It all changed when she turned about 12 and she started to feel self-conscious. Her dad was absolutely fine with her saying she wasn't happy to be naked in front of anyone.

Winteriscoming18 · 08/02/2018 18:33

I don’t think your over reacting and had the SM been a SD I think people would be saying something completely different. My ex’s SF bathed with my son and I wasn’t very happy at all neither was he. That’s a boundary you just don’t cross.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 18:37

Not once have have I described my dd as being just mine, I have clearly stated she has two parents and would never deprive her of that or nor would I want to, she see her father EOW and extra all half terms summer hols etc. I have described how I promote contact and provide gifts on b days etc to promote that relationship.

Being naked in a shower with another adult who she has know for less than 6 months is not about beliefs it's about common sense and my solicitor has advised if he wishes to argue that it is he will be shot down and ss would have something to say about it

OP posts:
DontDIY · 08/02/2018 18:57

To coin an MN phrase, this thread is “batshit”.

The dads been with the GF 9 months. When did she meet the DD? How often does she see the DD? EOW maybe? That does not make her a step parent, or anything remotely like family.

My child went to a child minder for years, 5 days a week, he worshipped the ground she walked on. Would I be happy to hear they were showering together after a muddy day in the woods? Take a guess!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/02/2018 18:57

No I wouldn’t be happy OP.

It’s that blurry line that I wouldn’t want anyone outside Mum and Dad to cross, in fact I wouldn’t shower with my 5 year old.

It’s also way too intrusive to a 5 year old from their Dads GF - no matter how long they’ve been together.

Groinyo · 08/02/2018 22:04

My child went to a child minder for years, 5 days a week, he worshipped the ground she walked on. Would I be happy to hear they were showering together after a muddy day in the woods? Take a guess!

Great point! Not sure why the girlfriend gets special dispensation just because she is having sex with the girl's dad Hmm

Nine months is nothing to the girl, and she's (hopefully) not known her nine months anyway.

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 22:05

I'd like to see her dad go to court and actually argue that naked showers with his DD & his GF of less than a year, are acceptable. If he wants to embarrass himself then let him go ahead.
Courts aren't stupid, even if people think whatever oddness they're into is ok because they say so. Judge and SS will make put him right. Can you imagine the alarm bells it will set ringing. I can't believe he'll be so oafish as to pursue a battle over this.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2018 07:53

@upsideup
Why are you bathing with a 10+ year old?

That's wrong. Just wrong.

GoatPavlova · 09/02/2018 08:04

I can’t see a huge issue. It’s a shower and probably quite fun for a five year old. Lots of lovely smells and bubbles. Are naked bodies really that bad? You’re suggesting it is something it isn’t isnt. Sexual abuse and household nudity are not the same thing at all. It doesn’t feel like you’re child is uncomfortable with the situation; it feels like you are jealous.

lunar1 · 09/02/2018 08:09

@GoatPavlova think of all the people you have known for less than 9 months. Would it be fun for your children to be naked with them too?

PixiesMummy1 · 09/02/2018 08:17

OP you are not being unreasonable. I would not be happy with this either. They have only been together 9 months... why is it even necessary for then to shower together?
Bit weird if you ask me! Hmm

GoatPavlova · 09/02/2018 08:35

lunar1. I can’t say I’d be particularly worried with most but then situation wouldn’t occur as you don’t usually shower in Costa. Am I bothered about naked showering at the gym etc? Not at all in single sex changing rooms. This is the fathers girlfriend, in his family home with a child that seems quite happy - hardly secretive or in any way suggestive of sexualised behaviour.

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2018 09:19

The child's not happy. She said it was cold she didn't like it & mentioned seeing the girlfriend's bum. Hardly happy sounding is it?

Family home? She doesn't live there, this woman's been on the scene a mere 9 months and hadn't known the DD for all that time either. So what's all cosy and family and happy about that? That's all saying it's about a child being taken into account and not all on adult's say so.

Eye-opener how many people are cool with their kids bathing with randoms just because someone they know knows them. Heartening that most people have at least a notion of what safeguarding is and aren't falling for alternative bullshit.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/02/2018 09:20

I do think that kids should know from an early age that nudity is private. It doesn’t mean that it is shameful. It is showing them appropriate ownership of their own bodies. It is also about respect.

A child cannot say no to being undressed or others undressing, so they have a vulnerability which we as parents protect. I do not undress in front of my 5 year old out of an early respect for him. I do not shower in front of him. However if he’s supposed to be playing with his Dad and runs in while I’m changing of course I don’t make a big deal out of it.

Getting in a shower with them shows his GF is pushing into that 5 year olds space - it is an intimacy which is in that uncomfortable grey area. It is a sign that she is being naive and too familiar.