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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:55

Way to miss the entire point of everything I have said.

You were wrong when you said OPs DD hadn't objected.
She had.
So you were wrong.

Your situation with your DSD is completely different here.

You are both happy, and you have already said if your DSD had expressed a dislike you would have stopped, yes??

No judgement from me on your situation, at all, I think you are applying your own positive experience over this one.

I'm not a prude, the complete opposite in fact.

But I do think that no adult at all, gets to dictate bathing with a child, and the onus should not be on the child to reject something that is mainly inappropiate, the onus is on the adult to know better than to put a vulnerable 5 yr old in that situation in the first place.

Kidssendingmenuts · 08/02/2018 14:57

I don't even bath with my own kids. I used to when they were babies but as soon as they could point and laugh at my bumpy bits I stopped because they ruined the whole bath experience for me Grin. They still try and ruin my bath and showers now by stripping and climbing in! Lol x

WatchingFromTheWings · 08/02/2018 14:59

I can guarantee if this was the mothers boyfriend of 9months showering with a five year old the reactions would be different. Its not normal and in reality most people wouldn't like this

This^^

YANBU

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 14:59

no i haven’t i never see her without ex or DD present and i want to avoid any confrontation in fornt of her at all costs. I suspect if i was to contact her that would not go down well with my ex at all

OP posts:
Treesinmay · 08/02/2018 15:01

She bathed her or actually got in with her?

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 15:03

Trees she got in with her.

OP makes it clear that DD saw her arse.

Treesinmay · 08/02/2018 15:07

Oh gosh totally not normal. Very unapropiate.

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 15:09

The fact that she is statistically less likely to be an abuser is irrelevant. What matters is that an environment is being fostered that tells a 5 year old child that getting naked with unrelated adults is normal. How is she going to understand that another adult isn't behaving appropriately when she has already been told that this is okay?

Aridane · 08/02/2018 15:10

I think the way you've gone about it is totally wrong and has misfired

Redhead17 · 08/02/2018 15:12

My daughter was in the womb 9 months and I wouldn’t shower with her.

Abusers can be male or female and those saying it’s perectly normal if my DD came home and said my dads partner showered with me and I saw her bum i actually would do my nut.

MammieBear · 08/02/2018 15:12

I don't think your over reacting at all, in all honesty I'm shocked that they would even consider doing it. I'm a mum and would never let anyone else bathe with my children it's completely out of order and you did the right thing.

BackToThe90s · 08/02/2018 15:15

They've only been together for 9 months! How much do we really know a person in that time?

The gf is more than likely innocent but for a lot of parents they have barely introduced their dc to their partner in 9 months so being naked in the shower together is waaaay too much too soon, even if everyone was ok with it, it would still be too soon. What happens if they break up and he has a new gf within a year? Is she going to be showering with the dd too?

Sounds like the ex husband is trying to play happy families too soon! It should be the gf phoning up to apologise here because she has clearly overstepped the mother's boundaries.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 15:15

What matters is that an environment is being fostered that tells a 5 year old child that getting naked with unrelated adults is normal. How is she going to understand that another adult isn't behaving appropriately when she has already been told that this is okay?

I can't believe this needs repeating....But fucking hell yes to this.

You can't teach boundaries on one hand....then ask a child to dismiss them all on the other.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 15:18

i admit my initial message may have been slightly defensive but he had 2 weeks to think about it and assure me it wouldn’t happen again and contact would have gone ahead no further issues, instead he wouldn’t offer that.

Again i don’t claim to be perfect

OP posts:
BoobleMcB · 08/02/2018 15:21

Can I ask where the jury stand on if the Dads partner took DD swimming? What about getting changed etc? Where would they suggest?

Beansonapost · 08/02/2018 15:22

Why does a stranger need to be in a shower with your child... and yes stranger because 9 months is not enough time to know someone.

YANBU... I can't believe people on here are saying you're being unreasonable.

And for those of you who have done it... did the children's mother know about it?

It's never appropriate for unrelated people to get naked with children, never. It's these kinds of casual "norms" that cause abuse to go unnoticed... because "family".

Where is the boundary?

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 15:25

Booble with my own child I would strip off to shower at the pool. With my partners children I wouldn't.

It's not hard

Groinyo · 08/02/2018 15:25

The fact that she is statistically less likely to be an abuser is irrelevant. What matters is that an environment is being fostered that tells a 5 year old child that getting naked with unrelated adults is normal.

If you had read my post you would see that I haven't said she's fine to do so as she is statistically unlikely to be an abuser.

It was about the PP use of "misogyny". I'd go so far as to draw equivalencies to a man showering with a girl in the situation when we know full well that women are unlikely to be a sexual threat is misogyny.

I can't believe this needs repeating....But fucking hell yes to this.

again, it doesn't need repeating. I said it was inappropriate.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 15:25

Can I ask where the jury stand on if the Dads partner took DD swimming? What about getting changed etc? Where would they suggest?

It's a completely different situation though.

And if ops DD was uncomfortable with changing with the g/f....even "just" at swimming....I would respect her decision and boundaries.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 15:27

BoobleMcB i wouldn’t have an issue with her taking DD swimming the two things are very different i.e using a towel you don’t get naked in swimming showers etc. and those things are necessary to go swimming...Choosing to have a shower with her when there is no need is different in my opinion

OP posts:
BoobleMcB · 08/02/2018 15:29

I don't think relation is important there at all @beans. My godsons/daughters/nieces/nephews and children of my best friends are much closer to me than a lot of their family. I wouldn't think twice about changing in front of them or they changing in front of me.

Granted I wouldn't shower WITH them at home but being naked in front of them doesn't mean rape/mollestation/abuse.

BoobleMcB · 08/02/2018 15:30

@dawn I completely agree they're different but in changing, they ARE going to be naked

LaLaLolly · 08/02/2018 15:41

Who on earth thinks that the onus is on a fucking 5 year old to say no to getting naked with unrelated adults? Jesus this is basic safeguarding 101. I'm shocked (and worried) that some of you are parents.

Yes, yes, yes!

I cannot believe some of these posts.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 15:42

even getting changed is completely different than having a shower with each other unless you get changed very differently from me

OP posts:
LaLaLolly · 08/02/2018 15:44

My godsons/daughters/nieces/nephews and children of my best friends are much closer to me than a lot of their family. I wouldn't think twice about changing in front of them or they changing in front of me.

I'm not a prude and come from a country with very uninhibited attitudes towards naked bodies, but I'd be furious if one of my "friends" got naked in front of my DC.