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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Does your stepchildren get the same present wise off family members as DC who are blood related?

27 replies

Underthemoonlight · 19/11/2016 20:36

Just going off one of my other threads which also highlighted another issue that my ds1 from a previous relationship gets considerably less than his siblings who are related to DH parents. I'm just wondering if this is common practice or do they get treated the same. For background we are married and ds1 has been in DH life since the age of 2 he's now 8.

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RitaCrudgington · 19/11/2016 20:42

Does your DS receive generous gifts from his paternal GPs? I think that makes a big difference. If he has noticeably more presents than his siblings from aunts and uncles and GPs, on his father's side then it might be seem fairer for your DPs' family to give him only token gifts. If his father's family are absent then it's different.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 19/11/2016 20:44

Not in this family. Dh's parents have four step-grandkids and nine bio grandkids and all are treated the same.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 19/11/2016 20:49

In a way yes but only because on his DF side his parents are split and remarried so he would get two lots of presents I'm not sure on the amount they would spent on him though maybe 30 pounds, he doesn't receive from aunts or uncles on his DF side.

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YesItsMeIDontCare · 19/11/2016 20:55

My parents don't get anything for my SD, but they do get presents for my SGC. I have no idea if that's socially acceptable or not, but they only ever met SD once and that was when DH and I got married. They spend a lot more on their own GC.

MycatsaPirate · 20/11/2016 00:51

I have two DD's and dp has two DD's.

Neither of my DD's dads buy them anything for Xmas at all. The GP of DD2 buy for them both and my parents buy for them.

Dp's oldest is NC with her mum and so we buy for her and her partner. Her stepmum (his DD2's mum) used to buy for her but unsure if she still does. His DD2 gets presents from us, her mum, her stepdad, his extended family, her mum's extended family and grandparents, lots of family friends and godparents.

There is a clear difference between what his DD2 gets and what the other three get. It's extremely difficult trying to balance that.

We tend to spend more on my two as a) they live here with us and b) there are very few people buying for them. Dp's oldest is an adult who also gets a similar amount spent on her. His youngest also gets a fair amount spent but probably not as much because a) she gets tons of stuff and doesn't really need much and b) although we don't spend as much, what we get is thoughtful and hopefully will be well liked.

For clarity - DSD1 - £200
DD1 - £300
DD2 - £300
DSD2 - £150

Approximately.

swingofthings · 20/11/2016 07:35

Maybe the GP give less because they know that as a whole, your DS gets more, so they are trying to balance things out. In the end, you either look at it on an individual basis, so everyone gives the same to all, or from an overall perspective, so that each child all together gets about the same. Either way, there can be some jealousy.

The rule at my ex house is that everyone gets the same, so my kids will get the same then their step siblings, however, they will get a lot more from my side then the step-siblings will get from their father's side. There is no jealousy though, my kids are aware of this and will respect their siblings and not disclose all they got from my side, especially money wise as that's what they tend to get (they are now all teenagers).

When you say your son gets less, do you mean number of items, the value of the items, money? What's the age difference?

Ledkr · 20/11/2016 07:54

I think if the kids are young and live with each other it's extremely rude to spend differing anounts.
So in my case I have dd1 14 who is Drs stepchild from 5 and dd2 5 who is our dd together.
Dds family spend about the same on them both which is right as they open presents together and it would be awkward. Dd1 is a nice dsc and attends all family events, gets on well with all the family and sees herself as a member of the family.
Dd1 dad buys a smaller present for dd2. Dd1 nan sends money for her but a gift for dd2.

Whitechester · 20/11/2016 08:08

My parents won't buy my DD something, without buying my oh's kids anything in terms of all year round. At Christmas she doesn't spend as much as she does on my DD, but is still more generous than their biological grandparents, but then in the time they've been in my life she's only met them 3 times and at Christmas she doesn't see them. She does buy birthday gifts too.

The rest of my family don't buy for dsc because they have either never met them, or again only met them once or twice.

Likewise my oh'S family have only met my DD once. They have never bought a gift for her or anything.

If dsc were with us everyday then their would be a bond, but they don't have any bond with my family. I don't see it as a bad thing as they have their own grandparents anyway.

By contrast, I was bought up
In a stepfamily and I was never accepted - I was left out of family/children photo shoots kind of thing, yet my mum was included!

FeelingSmurfy · 20/11/2016 08:16

I couldn't give one without the other, or an obviously different amount of cash spent. It would be no different to doing it to blood siblings, all siblings in one family would get the same from me

scrivette · 20/11/2016 08:25

My parents give their step granddaughter presents to the same value.
I spend slightly less on Christmas presents but the same on birthdays but she is 19.

Cocochoco · 20/11/2016 08:25

Yes, but dss doesn't live with us and there's a big age gap. My parents always buy him something biggish, but they go totally ott on dd, who spends a lot of time with them. In the situation you describe they would probably spend the same though.

Kim82 · 20/11/2016 08:25

My mil and sil spend a little more on my younger two children (their biological relations) than on my elder two (step-related) as my elder two get extra presents from their dad's family so mil and sil try to even it out a little for the younger two if that makes sense? All four get something lovely from them but they buy one or two little extras for the younger two. I think this is fine and have explained it to my elder two who understand and are happy with it.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 08:59

My DS is 8 years old, it's clear to see without knowing the excate amount that DS will get a medium size gift bag with some small items, as will I whilst the rest of family including DH get large items or large gift bags full of stuff. DD got a massive toy last year she was 2 at the time and various other items whilst DS got a small toy, this is given out at the same time, DS lives with us full time. Thing is they could wait until DS goes to his DF to give extra presents it just so obvious and it does make me feel uncomfortable.

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Pteranodon · 20/11/2016 09:27

Can you speak to them? Suggest holding back some gifts until ds at his dad's? if not/if they're not receptive can you change how you do Christmas - invite them while ds away? My ds is 7 & would find this apparent ranking of affection hurtful, but wouldn't care if no presents happened during their visit. I would be so angry I'd struggle to stay civil.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 09:39

I think it would cause arguments I have suggested to DH next year just to have Christmas at home. This year however we agreed to split Christmas with both families and we are hosting my side due to my DF having terminal cancer and going to see them later on in the day.

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 20/11/2016 09:43

My ils have 7 biological gc and my ds who is 13 who has been in their lives since he was 5.
They have always treated him as their own, actually last Christmas I think he got more than dd who is their sons daughter. They are extremely generous and even take ds out for a meal and Christmas clothes just before Christmas, as well as buying him presents.
He is fully acknowledged as a grandson with birthday cards etc and always has been which I am eternally grateful for.
They are brilliant :)

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 09:51

DS isn't referred to as their grandson just Bobs (not real name) DW DS, this massively upsets me I have spoken to DH about it and my own DM who said you can't control how extended families do things. Again I limited my interaction with them DS GS fantastic grandparents from my DP .SIL has told DS he could call her auntie following DD arrival if he wanted to so she's been more accepting. Thing is so odd how she said how proud she is of dh for being an amazing step dad to DS which he is but she could Atleast be more accepting.

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justcallmeBernard · 20/11/2016 09:53

Dss spends Christmas with his mum and her family, so gets presents from them. My parents sometimes have us all over a few days later and if dss is there they make sure he has some things to unwrap too. But it's the only time he sees them as he is with us 3 nights in 14 - if he lived with us more or didn't have his own set of grandparents, it would be different.

Also my parents generally give us memberships and things for Christmas plus clothes for the kids, and maybe a game for everyone, so it's not like there's a pile for my children and not for him. If PILs come at the same time, then it's mountains of stuff for everyone, related or not (MIL keeps local charity shops in business, plus ours as 25 out of 30 items per person will go back to one...)

AddictedtoGreys · 20/11/2016 10:02

My DSD gets presents from my grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles on Xmas. However she also has presents from her DM side of the family. So she doesn't get as much as my DS does from my side as she effectively gets 3 lots of presents (her DM, DF and my side) and my DS gets 2. So I think a little something is fine, shows they think of her. Also they don't refer to her as DGD they call her her name.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 10:05

I guess my expections are too high, reading the responses. I think it's because in my family we all get the same spent on each other even partners. It comes across as if me and DS are an after thought and get the smallest and token gifts rather than feeling we are part of their family dispite further DC and being married.

OP posts:

Pteranodon · 20/11/2016 10:17

Does it upset your partner? I'd expect mine to have a word with his family, suggest less obviously different gifts, ask them to consider you and dss for his sake.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 10:50

He says he can see both sides that DS gets loads from his DF which he does and his DF parents are split then his DW family where as the other DC just had two sets of gps. I guess I wish they more discreet about it.

OP posts:

AddictedtoGreys · 20/11/2016 11:07

As your DS is 8, surely the understands he gets a lot more overall that your DD?

AddictedtoGreys · 20/11/2016 11:08

*he understands

Cocochoco · 20/11/2016 18:04

I don't think my parents would treat the children differently in the situation you describe. Maybe they should put ££ in the other kids' bank accounts if they want to make it fairer overall. It's mean to expect an 8-year-old to stand and watch his younger siblings get more.

My parents would definitely buy me more than DH though.

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