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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My sons SM cancelled a visit to see his Dad!

25 replies

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 18:00

I'm a step mum myself, so this is not step mum bashing.

I live a way from my sons Dad, and visits are only around every 5 weeks. The night before the last one, his SM phoned my son and cancelled it, saying that they had a social engagement that my son would find boring. I was really taken aback. He's 11 years old. I had to cancel a trip away myself that weekend, and had a disappointed son on my hands.

I got my son to phone his Dad, and they said they'd rearrange, but they haven't.

P.s. I've got a lot of stick about that from his Dad, as he says he'd like to see him more often - I'm the one who pays all travel costs despite being the main parent - and he's welcome to pay some travel himself but doesn't.

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Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 18:01

P.s. I've got the stick from his Dad over the years, not on this occasion, just to clarify. He feels he doesn't see his son often enough, but has never paid travel ever.

OP posts:

lateforeverything · 19/05/2016 18:14

Does his sm usually make arrangements etc (I used to before dss moved in) or was it out of the blue for her to contact him in that way?

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 18:23

It was out of the blue. I guess she contacted my son because it was her that wanted to go to this social event with his Dad.

Usually I send provisional dates to his Dad well in advance, and then book them up.

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lateforeverything · 19/05/2016 18:35

You see, I find that very cheeky on her part then. If you're not usually in touch with the dsc in that way then why on earth would you make a cancellation your first contact??

How is your son doing now? Sound like you need to speak your ex yourself.

swingofthings · 19/05/2016 19:01

The most shocking thing is that they didn't bother to get in touch until the day before. It's almost as if they'd forgotten he was due to come. If they truly felt bad about it, they would have put a lot of effort in arranging another week-end.

I feel very sorry for your son.

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 22:12

late - It was quite weird, they don't usually have direct contact like that at all. I thought it was really cheeky, particularly as the contact they have is very infrequent, they have had over a month to do what they want. She's been with him years so he does know her. But this is the first time she's basically changed an arrangement.

swing I know the night before! We have to really plan these visits, there are a lot of logistics that I organize and pay for, it costs 80 quid at least each time plus. I lost money that I'd booked for a hotel as I'd used it as time to get away myself.

To be fair, Ex and the SM both said that they'd make the effort to pay and even come up to where we live for a visit the weekend after, which would have been great for my son. BUT of course, a week later, my son had heard nothing, they said oh well the next weekend, nothing.

I got a voice message from the SM apologizing and saying she'd arrange another weekend at the time. But I didn't reply, I was too angry as I had a really disappointed son on my hands. And I thought these are just words, make up for it, apologise to my son, but this really isn't OK. And none of that happened. He's been quiet and withdrawn since.

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Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 22:16

And yes I did get straight on to my Ex myself. He doesn't 'communicate' with me, and I never want to inflame things but I just said - you needed to tell your son this yourself and I needed the heads up too, that I'd made plans. I got my son to phone him up directly at the time. He apologized to my son, but told me that my son had said that 'it was fine' so presumed it was all OK.

It isn't OK at all, he's pretty upset.

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lateforeverything · 20/05/2016 00:48

I had misread the OP, I thought it was 'the night before last' that she'd rung. Not the night before the visit?! That's pretty crap.

Also, this whole offer of 'even coming up to where you live' oh please, big wow. He's never paid to travel and then he makes false promises. I can't stand NRPs like that

One the flipside, at least someone gave your ds some notice. My dss was left waiting hours on end for my dh's exw (she lives abroad) on more than one occasion and given that we were not obliged by court to take dss to her and he no longer wanted to go, we stopped taking him. It was too much upheaval to fly him somewhere where he didn't really want to be only to keep getting a reminder of why he didn't want to be there(!) Dh's exw said that she would come to the UK instead then and she's been 'saving' for her ticket to come over from Europe.... for three years

MeridianB · 20/05/2016 12:29

This would annoy me on so many levels, OP.

Your ex should be arranging contact with you. No one else needs to be involved at this stage as it's not up to an 11-year-old to say 'it's fine' when it's not. The SM should butt out, too.

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 20/05/2016 13:38

It's really annoying. He was due to leave the next morning, and it was 9pm he got the call from his SM. We'd packed, everything.

What I find most annoying is that I've tried everything to make their relationship a good one, and I get a lot of flack and his Dad continually says how much his son means to him.

late that is so sad for your DSS, I don't blame you for not going anymore. Why would you make your own child wait?

Meridian - if it was easier going through the SM for visits, then fair enough, I don't really care who it is arranged through, as it's more important to me that there is no animosity and it is regular. But as it was a social event that she wanted - I imagine she felt she'd cancel - now THAT is not good.

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YouMakeMyDreams · 20/05/2016 13:49

That makes me feel so angry on your ds behalf. My ex tried to cancel a weekend because his Auntie had invited him, his wife her Dd and their ds for a family lunch on the Sunday. I did ascertain whether it was a special one off occasion- no just because she asked.
I was raging. A FAMILY lunch. What are our older dc then? I was as angry at his Auntie as him. He is the same has at least a whole month between 24 hour visits with his children and always has plans for those weekends. Weddings and things cool but our ds has been asking for 18 months now to just have a weekend at his dad's without having neighbours over for a barbecue or a meal and it hasn't happened. I have been informed I cannot dictate what happens when the dc are at his house. And yep he's spot on nor do I want to but he won't listen to ds1 who has said he wants to spend time with his dad and he only has them for 24 hours about 10 times a year.
He is another one that says he'd love to see them more as he misses them but has done bugger all about it for the last 8 years. Then he complains he feels like he's losing them.

lateforeverything · 20/05/2016 15:36

Your poor ds It's such a shame... as I said I wouldn't really take issue if it weren't for the short notice and the fact that he and sm don't usually discuss arrangements. I used to make arrangements to see dss and don't recall ever cancelling... if we had my dh would have been involved too. If anything I remember organising extra trips to see dss because I missed him so much(!) Dh's exw had no issue with this as deep down she knew he was happiest with us and thus things worked out the way they have...

Our dss is luckily settled with us and has been for several years... you might have seen my other posts on the adoption thread. I really hope we're successful. I can't imagine ever letting him down like that

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 15:39

I'd ring the dad and want to know what exact arrangment is so important he dropped his own son, and not only that it was done the evening before by his partner.

lateforeverything · 20/05/2016 15:39

YouMakeMyDreams my dh's exw herself organises Family Sundays with her sister and her other family members... but has never mentioned dss being invited

OK he would not want to go anyway realistically but Family Sunday? Really?

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 20/05/2016 17:24

You your poor kids, cancelled for a family lunch. That just about says it all. I'd never exclude my step kids from a family lunch, whether it was my family or others, if it was their contact weekend. They might not want to go... But that's another matter! (Teens).

Grays I did contact their Dad, he tried to backtrack saying that he 'didn't think it was a big deal as 'our son' said 'it was fine'. Of course he said it would be fine, he's polite and doesn't like to cause a fuss.

late - I know, I don't usually feel this cross. A few years ago GF of my Ex wanted him to go away for 2 months on holiday, missing 3 visits at the time. It wasn't great, but then I kind of understand, a one off thing, time together, my son was a little put out but OK. I was given notice. So we both just accepted that.

But this, the night before, the whole sloppy 'we'll make it up to you' - but then not doing it - and the mucking around of my arrangements and not even informing me - as if SM can just jump in directly. Not a good sign for the future.

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inlectorecumbit · 20/05/2016 17:29

Can l ask why you have to do the travelling and pay for his visit?

Goingtobeawesome · 20/05/2016 17:32

Deadbeat dads whine they are losing their kids because they think it sounds like they care.

deVelvet · 20/05/2016 17:35

Cancelling any arrangement made with a child is out of order.

Ex and SM should have either cancelled their own plans, gave ds the option to attend or SM should have gone on her own.

I assume that SM made the call because ex may have said I'm not cancelling so if it's going to be done then SM does it herself.

Ex should grow a backbone and not let anyone stand in the way of his contact.

Sorry for your ds OP

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 20/05/2016 17:45

inlectore - I'm paying because I'm a mug, I feel guilty as it was me who moved (even though there were a lot of reasons) and I want my son to have a good relationship - I used to take him on very frequent visits before I realised I was putting myself into massive debt.

deVelvet Yes I can see the logic, it's SM who wanted to go, so she contacted DS. But I'm shocked that they couldn't see how crap it was. Ex never used to be so weak about these things, he's not held back from telling me if he thought I was wrong!

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OutToGetYou · 20/05/2016 19:48

He's too young for arrangements to go through him, and they know that, and they know it wasn't on which is why they did it that way.

They probably felt, wrongly, that it would be easier coming from her than from his own dad.

Dss mum decided she couldn't see him last time she was due to because she had a dentists appointment (funnily enough she used that excuse the time before as well, she really should keep a list of excuses so she doesn't duplicate too close together) and "wouldn't exactly feel up to it" - sorry love? Don't feel up to being a parent? Don't feel up to seeing your son for the first time in several weeks? Oh, well, don't worry, we'll pick up the slack as bloody usual.

(he's 15 now so it's not a big deal actually 'looking after' him, but she's always done this and they split up when he was 7, and I've been around since he was 9. He is feeling the pain of her complete disinterest though).

QueenArseClangers · 20/05/2016 22:41

The utter cunts.
I'd be asking your ex to compensate you for your expenses re the hotel that you had to cancel.
Bet he's one of those dicks who whinge on Facebook that they never get to see their kids 😡

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 21/05/2016 03:24

Queen he is DEFINATELY one of those who'd whine to all and sundry about how hard done by he is. I basically deliver his son to his doorstep, bring him up! But yes I did ask for his compensation on the day, heard nothing. It's been 4 weeks since.

out I totally identify with the picking up the slack - I'm sick of it! Your poor DSS, what does his Mum think - he's going to magically become a well rounded adult with no input at all? So lucky you and his Dad are there for him.

Normally my Ex has been very careful to seem on the face of it great with his son, treating him, spending money on him, telling him how important he is to him. Meanwhile he's been stingy with maintenance, giving me grief, taking no interest in his school, being awkward about dates. Now the mask is starting to slip, and it's sad for DS but I can't shield him.

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lateforeverything · 22/05/2016 17:22

Meanwhile he's been stingy with maintenance, giving me grief, taking no interest in his school, being awkward about dates. Now the mask is starting to slip, and it's sad for DS but I can't shield him.

I know exactly what you mean about the mask, unfortunately....

Any news on the rescheduled visit as yet??

Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 22/05/2016 17:50

There were two other rescheduled dates and now his Dad has told him that it's 'too expensive' for him to come. So basically won't see him for over 4 months.

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Original poster

Redtomatojuice · 22/05/2016 17:51

Sorry I meant two other dates that were then cancelled a couple of days before...

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