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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I know this is really really trivial but how to tell DSC he can't have something??

24 replies

NewRags · 03/05/2016 15:55

OH has just been to the dentist with DSC and was given a right telling off by the dentist for a) not coming in for checkups regularly and b) letting his DSC drink cans of coke all the time - he needs numerous fillings, some teeth removed - same for OH he has 7 fillings needing doing aswell as 2 teeth need removing.

So my OH up to now kept buying a pack of 24 cans twice a week and OH and DSC would drink them like they were going out of fashion - DSC would drink 3 cans in one evening (DSC is 7).

So fair play to OH, since that visit he hasn't bought anymore cans of coke.

Now - my one and only indulgence (this is very sad I know!) is a nice cold can of Fanta - not every single night, once a week perhaps and I only ever buy them when the multi packs are on special offer and I buy one pack for OH fridge and one for mine (we don't live together).
Up to now that worked out absolutely fine - OH and DSC were too busy drinking their cans of coke to bother drinking mine.

However, since OH has stopped buying cans of coke DSC has taken to just drink all mine when I'm not there - I don't always go over to OH's house every night depending on when I'm working so the next day when I go over I find all cans have gone.

I have raised this with OH and said don't you think you should be stopping DSC drinking fizzy drinks seeing as you got a bollocking from the dentist? He just says well if they are in my fridge then they will get drunk I cant help that.

Ok.. but when OH and DSC are at my house the same thing happens - if I have to pop out to work/shops etc when they are there then I will come back to find 2/3 cans have gone because DSC didn't want to drink squash.

So I've now been told either to stop being selfish and buy more cans so that there's some left for when I come over or to stop buying them full stop either in my house or his house.

No point hiding them as DSC will find them - especially if I'm seen drinking them we then get whinges that its not fair I want one etc.

OH doesn't want to upset DSC by saying no you can't have them they are L's drinks but to me it shows that whatever DSC wants DSC gets and you are no longer allowed to have things that are "yours".

I'm concerned that from now on this is going to be something bigger than just cans of Fanta and the no word will never get used...

Soooo what do I do? I don't want to have to keep buying lots more cans because a) I cant afford it and b) its not really helping with the whole dental situation.

But why should I stop being allowed to have the things I want at the same time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MarthaCliffYouCunt · 03/05/2016 15:57

Just stop leaving them at his house. Keep them at your own house. If youre going over for the evening bring a can with you.

MarthaCliffYouCunt · 03/05/2016 15:58

His dad needs to toughen up BTW of he'll end up in the same situation WRT his teeth in 6 months.

stiffstink · 03/05/2016 16:01

Isn't it a bit hypocritical to tell the child that fizzy drinks are bad at the same time as swigging them in front of him?

Original poster

NewRags · 03/05/2016 16:08

I know stiffstink that's the problem it is very hypocritical but as I've said I don't do it all the time and I do try not to do it when he's there to be honest, but leave them there just for convenience as I don't always go home before going to OH house so it's easier. But as I've said I'm concerned this might turn into a bigger problem in the future if something doesn't get said right now.

OP posts:

BoboChic · 03/05/2016 16:11

Just stop drinking fizzy drinks. They are bad for all of you, not just DSC.

plantsitter · 03/05/2016 16:11

Get a big box. Label it with 'NewRags' Pile Ointment - keep refrigerated'. Keep Fanta in there.

Original poster

NewRags · 03/05/2016 16:15

lol plantsitter! I know they are bad for all of you but then I don't do it all the time are we not all allowed one indulgence now and then? I don't drink I don't smoke I don't eat takeaways (extremely rarely)

OP posts:

willconcern · 03/05/2016 16:18

FFS. The child is 7. No way would my 9 or 12 year old get to drink as many fizzy drinks as they liked, on demand.

As for being hypocritical, do children get to do all the things adults can do? No, they don't. I don't let my kids go to the pub, drive a car, smoke, stay up as late as I do - because they are kids, and I am an adult, capable of making decisions based on judgment, experience and education.

I make them do things that I don't do too - like homework.

And they get to do things that I don't - like go on slides, swings, skateboard.

Your OH needs to actually parent his child. He just says well if they are in my fridge then they will get drunk I cant help that - that really is pathetic. He has no say over whether his 7 year old is allowed to help himself to fizzy drinks in the fridge?

In your shoes, I wouldn't be moving into this. This is a small issue. There will be bigger ones.... like respect and gratitude.

Canyouforgiveher · 03/05/2016 16:31

If the kid had free access to the coke and was swigging 3 cans of coke a day and is now cut off of course he is going to take cans of fanta out of the fridge. Most people would be tempted to take them in that situation still less a 7 year old.

Don't put any cans of soda in your OH's fridge. Simple solution. Expecting a 7 year old to exercise iron self control in this situation is not reasonable.

ArmfulOfRoses · 03/05/2016 17:06

I agree that his father needs to bloody well parent him, and say NO.

taptonaria27 · 03/05/2016 17:10

The child needs to learn to ask before helping himself but you would help him a lot by modelling healthy behaviour so not drinking/ having Fanta in sight of him

KelleBelle · 03/05/2016 17:58

I would absolutely not deny myself a drink just because I was frightened of a 7 year old having a wobbler.

I would find a compromise for the child.... I don't know how but I'd think it through.

If dad is insistent that his lad can have pop then tell him he can have one can and then he goes straight upstairs and brushed his teeth afterwards.

I agree with other posters.... your OH needs to take responsibility and sort this.

Could you possibly keep your cans in the boot of your car for now? Then you can grab one wherever you are going?

Dollyparton3 · 03/05/2016 18:17

How about replacing full fat with Fanta zero? It doesn't solve the long term problem but I find that "zero" tends to be met with a sneer and not wanting one as much as the full fat ones

DustyBustle · 03/05/2016 18:25

I don't think you're a hypocrite but I do think you could be in denial about your own addiction/dependence on these drinks if you can't keep them to times when he's not around.

He and his dad have a serious problem with these drinks - if teeth are being removed it should be cut out entirely. It's not just teeth they're rotting, high consumption of these drinks causes permanent damage to your insides too.

Lunar1 · 03/05/2016 19:34

Run for the sodding hills! This man is a terrible dad giving his son all that Coke! Do you want children with him because he would parent them in the same way.

MadisonMontgomery · 03/05/2016 19:38

FGS does his father let him drink bottles of wine etc that are in the fridge? The problem is your OH, he needs to get a grip.

Imavinoops · 03/05/2016 20:01

I agree, I feel like Dad and you need to explain that sometimes adults can do things that children don't just like children can do things that adults don't.
I believe that children shouldn't be allowed to just get things from the fridge without asking until you feel they can make good choices as children are not yet educated to understand what is good for them and what is not.
Maybe you could have a chat with DSC about healthy eating choices and talk about how much THEY think is good for them?
Also remember that if you are going cold turkey after that much sugar it's probably pretty hard for DSC to ignore their cravings!

DoreenLethal · 03/05/2016 20:07

You don't tell your step child he can't have something, you tell his dad to get a grip of the situation. And failing that, just keep your cans in your car or stashed at home out of the fridge.

Wdigin2this · 03/05/2016 22:03

Well, for any future thoughts of setting up home together...there's your answer! Like a lot of divorced DF's he is probably riddled with guilt, and most likely will never learn to say....NO!

steppemum · 03/05/2016 22:11

well, I drink coke. One 1litre bottle lasts about 2 weeks, often more.

My kids are not allowed coke at all.
They are allowed fizzy drinks once per week, one glass on sat night.

It is perfectly possible to have one rule for adults and one for kids. You wouldn't let them drink beer would you? Oh it is in the fridge so it is fine for him to have a can of beer
But also, it is perfectly possible to say that you may not drink 3 cans of anything in one evening. Basically, he is mainlining sugar. It would not be ok with me for him to drink 3 glasses of squash either, or even 3 glasses of fruit juice. We have one glass and then you drink water (and we do this too)

So I would want a simple rule, one glass of something (eg squash) with dinner, and then it is water or milk. Doesn't matter if it is in the fridge, in the cupboard or what, free reign on drinks stops now.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/05/2016 22:51

I had a similar issue. I had a phase of getting a small bottle of coke in the fridge occasionally, mainly to have a cheeky rum and coke! And I only had one or two glasses of it, so didn't use much of the coke.

It was just nice knowing it was there. This was fine when I was on my own with my son. He was never allowed fizzy drinks, except as a treat when we were out at a cafe.

Yet moving in with the DSCs - and suddenly - it was an issue! Constantly asked about having the coke, constantly made to feel the bad guy for not letting them have it. So irritating! So I understand where you are coming from. I told them I was a parent, and yes sometimes that meant I had to take care of their health and wellbeing, and say no. When they were an adult, like me, they could make up their own minds and buy their own coke!

But no, big sulks. I even had them tell me that 'their mum said that I was a hypocrite'. Jesus! All this over some coke. I told them, well should I give them alcohol and coffee too?

Anyway, I used to just find my coke always drunk - usually by a DSC in the middle of the night - except for a tiny drop in the bottom - so they couldn't even be bothered to admit it and put it in the recycling. I even bought brand own coke to put them off. Didn't work.

Grrrr.... So - OP, I think in the end you have to stop buying it for yourself. I know it sucks. But there it is. I had to stop buying the coke. So every now and then I'd think, I'd love a rum and coke, usually as a result of the DSCs winding me up! But sadly, I couldn't!

Wdigin2this · 03/05/2016 23:24

Buy wine, have wine in fridge, drink wine, kids don't like wine.....result!

Original poster

NewRags · 03/05/2016 23:36

Thanks everyone for the replies I think for now I will stop taking the cans to OH house but I won't stop buying them for my house i shouldn't have to not buy myself things for my house. I think now I have some different opinions I feel confident enough to have a chat with OH about all this without feeling so selfish.

Like others have pointed out I'm concerned this is going to turn into bigger things in the future and yes I think a lot of the saying no comes from guilt from the divorce.

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 04/05/2016 00:05

FFs! Sorry love but what dad gives a SEVEN year old 3 cans of coke a night???!!!
Jesus Christ. Poor kid will have no teeth left and a fizzy shortcut to diabetes.
Like other posters have pointed out this is just a sign of things to come.
In fact, I'd say it's verging on abuse/neglect.
Run for the hills!

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