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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

House keys and teenage kids and step kids

15 replies

CalicoBlue · 21/02/2016 10:28

I posted about this a year ago, as we have an issue with keys here and it is still not resolved.

We have three teens, two mine, one DH's. Both of my kids have their own door keys to my house and to their fathers. DSS has a key to his mothers flat but not our place.

DH's ex is a nut job and we do not trust her not to use the keys and come into the house.

Occasionally it is a pain that DSS does not have a key, we have cleaner who is here most days when the kids get home from school or I am here. If anything changes DD has to get home to let DSS in. We did look at a key safe with a combination or a remote access thing on the front door, but never went any further.

What do others do?

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modernfemininity · 21/02/2016 10:52

Our children, the step children, all have keys. We treat them the same. We also have a key safe with a code that they all know, because they are all teenagers and go out forgetting their keys. At first I was nervous too that I would have exW entering and I didn't like that feeling. But actually, my fears were unfounded. Theoretically she could get in, but as time ticked on and the children got older, it would be so unreasonable for her to invade our privacy she'd fear the consequences.

Your house seems occupied almost full time and she would be caught...wouldn't that deter the "nutjob" ex from entering your house uninvited?

Chloecoconut · 21/02/2016 10:55

Why not get the key safe with combo code and if DSS need to get in you can text him the code and then change it afterwards so the ex can't get in (and put key back when you get home)?

lunar1 · 21/02/2016 12:34

Give him a key, put up cctv and if she enters your house call the police.

VimFuego101 · 21/02/2016 12:37

I think the key safe is the best option - as a PP said, you can change the code regularly if needed.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 21/02/2016 12:51

Sounds like a key safe would be good. I wish I'd known about that. When I moved in with DP I was shocked to find that his Ex did have a key, and did use it! No one saw anything wrong! I also had all the kids turn unexpectedly and frequently. They often forgot their keys so were out in the cold ringing me.

I gave all the kids keys though. Just tried to reason about boundaries.

swingofthings · 21/02/2016 12:55

How old is your SS? How does he feel that he is not trusted with the keys or that you think his mum would take them to let herself in? Does he agree with this?

Wdigin2this · 21/02/2016 12:58

Chloe's idea is the best option!

Original poster

CalicoBlue · 21/02/2016 13:47

It is not just me that thinks she would let herself in. Dh knows she would. I do not want to go into too much detail that may out me, but she has form for coming into the house and taking stuff. We have put a stop to that and she does not come anywhere near the house now. But if she had the opportunity to come in she would, and in her own mind it would be justified.

DSS is 15, I do not know how he feels about not having a key. He has never said anything in my hearing. He looses everything all the time, so DH has used that as an excuse when he did ask.

I think Chloe's idea is a good one. I will see about getting one fitted.

CCTV would only show us that she had been in. She is not frightened of the police and would lie that her DS had given her permission or some nonsense.

OP posts:

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/02/2016 16:58

My DD only got a key to our house recently - for exactly this reason, I know her dad would have found an excuse to use it.

We gave her a key once she was old enough to discuss that with her - so she knows that if her dad uses the key, then it will be taken off her.

OutToGetYou · 21/02/2016 17:55

Why does dss having a key mean his mother has to know?

We did have this slight issue, he did bring her in, but I think only to wait for him etc. She's a bit potty but not totally, so it wasn't too bad. Now he's 14 and deals with it himself, she doesn't bring him here etc, he tends to cycle over.

Surely she would just assume there was someone else in anyway?

MeridianB · 22/02/2016 12:57

Hi Calico, I remember your previous thread on this and the crazy ex.

Has DSS's need for a key increased? If so, it sounds like the key box would be the best option.

I sympathise as I suspect DSD's mother would try the same thing. She's obsessed by other people's houses and asks DSD to 'remember every detail' and report back after playdates.

Original poster

CalicoBlue · 22/02/2016 20:17

Hi MeridianB

The change is that DSS does not stick to the previous contact, he used to go to his mothers on the days that I am home. Now he comes and goes a bit more as he pleases. I do not want to be restricted to waiting at home for him, I usually have things to do and he is unreliable gets lots of detentions so we never know what time he will he get home.

Yes, nutty ex is still nutty but we manage her and keep her away as much as we can. When we first moved in together she insisted on coming round to see the house, as it was her right to see where her son lives, apparently that involved going into mine and Dh's room too.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/02/2016 13:11

Into your rooms? A bit creepy!

Original poster

CalicoBlue · 24/02/2016 18:37

Yes, Bananas I thought that too. We moved again a year ago and there was no question of it that time.

OP posts:

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 25/02/2016 13:42

Also think key safe is a good idea.

Ex does sound crazy, I could just about understanding wanting to check where her toddler would be spending time but not a teenager, does she do the same if he has a sleepover with friends?!

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