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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want to dump DSS at the side of the road and just drive off

22 replies

evmil · 02/08/2015 16:51

I know I'm being slightly unfair but he is being a complete git at the moment. He's been in trouble at school (I don't think they will let him back in September - and I wouldn't blame them) and since the beginning of the holidays has been in one long foul mood.

DH is away and DSS 2 and 3 are visiting their mum for 3 weeks, so I'm bearing the brunt of it. I know he is upset about this, and about being stuck with me but it isn't my fault!. I'm supposed to be taking him and DS(4) to London for a few days tomorrow, but I have just asked him to make sure he gets everything he wants ready tonight as we are leaving early tomorrow and he has given me right bloody mouthful! He then started shouting out me because he wants the stuff back that DH took off him when he got in trouble at school. I told him to talk to DH, and then he's swearing at me, calling me every name under the sun.

In the morning I feel like dropping him off at the side of the motorway and just leaving him there! I just need some help with him

OP posts:

happymummyone · 02/08/2015 16:56

How old is he and what did he do at school?

ImperialBlether · 02/08/2015 16:57

Why isn't he visiting his mum?

Yet again another SM gets a child dumped on them!

BabyGanoush · 02/08/2015 16:58

Why is it your responsibilty? Can't he be with his mum or dad? Grandparents?

How old is he?

Poor boy, is he a bit unloved?

sooperdooper · 02/08/2015 17:01

Why hasn't he gone with the others to visit his mum as well?

scatterthenuns · 02/08/2015 17:03

Unhappy teenager?

Oswin · 02/08/2015 17:03

Oh op I hope you don't get flamed. I have seen you write about your dsc before and I can tell how much you care for them.
Teenagers are hard but teenagers in situations like yours can be harder. You have my sympathies.
You could repost in the teenagers section. There is great advice over there.

Original poster

evmil · 02/08/2015 19:59

Thanks all, sorry I have taken a while to reply I took DS to the park to get away and have been making dinner.

He is 15. He has a different mum to DSS2 and 3 and has no contact at all with her (hasn't done since his 5th birthday). He lives with us full time, as do DSS's 2 and 3. DH is working away, which he does regularly, but obviously we discussed child care before he accepted this job. I'm just finding it hard with DSS's attitude at the moment. None of DSS's family live near as we moved countries for DH's job, so DH's family are all still in the states and he has no contact with his mums side.

In terms of school. He spat at a teacher after an argument with them. Obviously he's been in trouble for this, but it happened right at the end of term and the school have not yet decided wether he can go back in September.

I'm convinced he is an unhappy teenager but in not sure what me and DH are supposed to do to help him. When DH is around he does spends lots of time with all the boys, is very hands on etc. He calls every night when he is away. I know DSS really didn't want to move, but it was discussed with him before hand. It was a big change, but was nearly 2 years ago now, and he hasn't been unhappy the entire time.

His friend is currently living with us because of problems at home. He's in a foul mood and has barely left him room for 4 days as it is a difficult time of year for him. Im hoping when he cheers up DSS might improve a bit as well.

Anyway, he sulked through dinner and is now in his room watching something on tv. DH phoned about half an hour ago but he's refused to talk to him and its wound him up even more. Im gonna leave it for a bit and see if he calms down.

I will try and post in teenagers in the morning and some if i can get some advice, thanks again.

OP posts:

lljkk · 02/08/2015 20:20

Wait, you are housing TWO grumpy teenage boys right now, neither of them your blood kin? You're a Saint, woman.

If it's a state school they can be amazingly tolerant. There are long procedures before they can truly exclude.

I pushed my 15yo DS out my fanjo & I'd happily dump him somewhere far away some days, too. Sympathies.

Where are things up to with the packing for your London trip?
He needs some clothes to stand up in & he can wear them for 2-3 days solid (fruity, but so what).
Does he have or need something to sleep in?
He needs a toothbrush.

I'd only insist on those items & he's packed enough.

lljkk · 02/08/2015 20:20

no, I take it back, toothbrushes are cheap to buy if he forgets it. Don't worry about that either.

Wdigin2this · 03/08/2015 23:42

So, your husband had 3 children with 2 partners, and all of them (including the teen DSS from hell) are currently living with you and DH, you have your own young DS to look after as well, and on top of that DSS has his miserable teenage mate living with you...AND your DH works away from home for periods of time, have I got that all correct???
Well, you are either an amazing Mary Poppins type of Wonder Woman....or you've completely lost the plot! I realise you discussed child care when DH started working away, but you can't have realised the full extent of the situation...you're a lot braver than me!!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2015 01:36

I'd say that DSS has a great deal of turmoil built up. His mother deserted him, his DF and SM have moved him to a different country, his step-sibs are off for fun time with their mum, his mate is blanking him, he's worried (believe it or not) about his school expelling him, and to top it all off, he's full of testosterone. If I had that much going on, I'd explode.

None of which is your fault. One of the hardest balances in parenthood is the balance between understanding a child's internal turmoil and not accepting cheek or bad behaviour.

Has he had counseling? As much as I'm sure you talked through this move with him, remember that his mother walked out on him. He must live in fear of his father doing the same. I really think an outside counselor, someone he can 'bare his soul' to without fear would be a good idea.

As far as right now, you really can't accept his bad behaviour. Up to you whether or not to cancel the trip, but there should be some consequences for his lip, shouting, and swearing.

You're a saint for taking in his friend, but under the circumstances, is there any other family he could stay with?

thehook · 04/08/2015 07:20

Oh my God!!! You sound like a saint. No words of wisdom I'm afraid - yet to experience parenting teens - but a huge amount of respect...xx

BabyGanoush · 04/08/2015 07:24

Poor boy

Poor you

Unfair set up! DH better find a job that doesn't need him to travel so much!!! (Though I can see that it would suit him, abdicating responsibilty like this), if it's tge summer hols, he could maybe have taken his son with him?

louisejxxx · 04/08/2015 07:27

Not only are you housing 3 step-children but you've also taken in a stray teenage friend?! No one you're feeling a bit stressed out!

I am in the "your husband needs to find a different job that allows him to help out more with his kids" camp.

louisejxxx · 04/08/2015 07:28

*wonder

rollonthesummer · 04/08/2015 07:36

I am in the "your husband needs to find a different job that allows him to help out more with his kids" camp.

Me too!

Are you working? How many DC of your own do you have? Are you taking surly teen friend to London too?

FurtherSupport · 04/08/2015 07:38

Honestly, I think Dh needs to change his job.

I wouldn't say that for many children who were playing up because parents have to earn a living and have the right to pursue a career.

However, this boy has had an incredibly hard time, lost most of the people who should be caring about him, it was "discussed" about leaving his home country and all his family except his dad, he didn't want to go but it happened anyway and now his Dad's often away. Plus he has to deal with half-sibs away having fun with family which he doesn't have.

Although I completely admire what you're trying to do with him (and his friend) it's hardly surprising that he's playing up. He needs his Dad.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2015 15:54

I hadn't thought about changing jobs.

I will say that my own DH started working away from home 4 days/week when our children were little. When DS1 turned 14 and began that 'pushback' as all children do we realized that DH being gone wasn't working for us. It wasn't fair to DH to be greeted with a litany of DS1's sins the minute he walked in the door, it wasn't fair to me to shoulder the full burden of parenting (I was also working full time) and it wasn't fair to DS1 to have the 'main man' in his life be absent when his guidance and example were badly needed. Because there was no work in his field where we lived (we'd been holding out hoping the field would open up), we ended up moving to where DH's job was. Best thing we ever did.

Needaglassofwinedotcom · 07/08/2015 08:35

Evmil - I'm in the same situation. Message if you need a rant!

Kkaty · 07/08/2015 23:14

You are right to feel grumpy back at him - I honestly don't think it helps teenagers to just 'smooth over' their rudeness - it's just not on! No matter what they are feeling - they need to know the boundaries.

If I were you I'd talk to him - not a lecture - but just honestly say that - yes it is not great for him - having only one main parent who is away - and not great for you either - a 'parent' who hasn't had the chance to bond with the younger him so it is always a little uncomfortable - but that you all have to rub along together and he needs to cooperate with you. See if there is any maturity or adultness in him that will respond to that.

He is having to prepare for the adult world in the next few years - if he has spat at a teacher then he is acting like a little child. Raise your expectations and get him to raise his own!

And then if I were you I'd get a little holiday in - even if it just you staying at a friends house - get a break! You are doing an incredibly hard job there.

BabyGanoush · 08/08/2015 07:43

Kkaty

Maybe

But really, his dad needs to step up here!

Kkaty · 08/08/2015 13:30

BabyGanoush

"Bus really, his Dad needs to step up here!"

True!

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