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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Heartbroken for DSS

28 replies

SadLampshade · 07/06/2015 19:42

Hello all,

Don't really know why I'm posting, as there's a long back story that I've not posted about, save for a couple of years ago. (Should mention I've name-changed as other people know previous nickname.)
DSS (9) came to live with us before Christmas. SS involvement with his DM and her DH. However, DSS was told he was coming to live with us as his behaviour wasn't good enough. He's had to move schools as we live out of the area, so a massive change. His two other brothers (technically half-brothers) are still at home with his DM and her DH. My DP is only dad to DSS.

It was clear from the start of the DM's relationship that her DH (then DP) did not like DSS. This was one of the reasons for SS involvement (who are no longer involved now DSS lives with us).

DSS sees his DM every weekend since coming to live with us. This was facilitated by my DP, doing a 50 mile round trip to drop off and then collect. DSS's DM does not pay any maintenance, nor does she give DP fuel money either for all the dropping off and running around he does to help DSS maintain a relationship with his DM and his family. DP has raised this with her and she simply refuses to give any money.

Anyway, that's by the by. DP has had a text today saying that DSS's DM doesn't want DSS every weekend due to the fact that her DH is fed up of DSS and his poor behaviour. It seems that DSS can do nothing right in the house, at all.

Like I said, I'm not sure why I'm posting, as can't really put everything in I want, but am so sad. Am currently sat with a crying child on my lap because his mummy doesn't want to see him, listening to everything she's said to him over the weekend. He is heartbroken.

So bloody sad.

OP posts:

Gillianschmillion · 07/06/2015 19:47

Poor boy, no wonder you're crying for him. Thank Goodness he has you and your DH.

cathpip · 07/06/2015 19:52

Poor poor child, personally I would not be attempting to facilitate any contact with this woman as when he does see her he is clearly made to feel unwelcome and unwanted. Any prolonged future contact IMO will have a devastating effect on his mental health, I'm so sorry that he's having to deal with this.

BlinkingHeck · 07/06/2015 19:52

Not surprised you are upset, I can't imagine saying that tomy 9 year old son.
It is a shame that she couldn't keep her mouth shut and say that you and DP wanted to share him at the weekends, so he wouldn't be going to her every weekend. How cruel of her.

Wdigin2this · 07/06/2015 20:35

If she's that uncaring of her own little boy's well being, he's better off without her in his life! Hard for the little boy, but if you and his DF give him enough love and care, avoiding running her down as much as possible, he will get passed it...if not quite over it! There's not really much else you can do!

Original poster

SadLampshade · 07/06/2015 21:01

Thanks all. Just put DSS to bed, spent some time singing, learning words for end of year school play.

I'm hugely worried about his anxieties, our GP is referring to paediatricians as there is potentially an undiagnosed condition (possibly ASC). That's what SS were worried about too, his anxious behaviours around DM and her DH. DSS repeatedly says sorry, and I do mean all the time, he can do no right at his DM's house. Please don't get me wrong, he has his moments of naughtiness, but I don't know any child that doesn't. And these behaviours worsened when his DM's DH came on the scene.

It's just that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Awful.

Also, should add, am fairly sure that DSS's DM is in an abusive relationship, certainly emotionally abusive with her DH, but I just can't ever imagine choosing a man over a child, ever.

OP posts:

Azquilith · 07/06/2015 21:09

How awful. So glad he's got you, you sound fab.

Psipssina · 07/06/2015 21:11

Poor little scrap. I am sorry. She does not deserve ever to have him back.

Missymoomoo1979 · 07/06/2015 21:46

What a lucky boy to have you and his Dad op x

Original poster

SadLampshade · 07/06/2015 22:00

Thanks all. And you're absolutely right Wdigin2this, we never ever speak our true feelings regarding DSS's DM and H to him, as all this would do is make us feel better, not DSS. We tell him we love him, and that we're really excited to have our weekends back (before he lived with us, we had him every weekend) and we can do all the things we can't get done in the week!

OP posts:

Thisismyfirsttime · 07/06/2015 22:15

Did she tell dss this as well? I feel sad for him but I'm so glad he has you, you sound like a fantastic stepmum to him.

Original poster

SadLampshade · 07/06/2015 22:47

Yes, she told him this, as did her husband. A couple of weeks ago they said they'd hated having him there, so I think it's fairly standard to blame DSS when things go "wrong" - although I don't think things do go "wrong" I just think the husband doesn't like having DSS there. They say that DSS winds up his youngest brother (DM's and her DH's son) on purpose. From what DSS tells us, it just seems like play that becomes noisy, e.g. Tickling brother, pretending to be a dinosaur chasing through the house at the request of younger brother.

Middle brother is away at his dad's when DSS goes to visit, so there is a part of me wondering if the husband just doesn't want DSS so he can be with DM and his son, as if neither DSS nor the middle brother exist. But this is hugely conjectural, and ultimately pointless as it doesn't stop DSS loving his mum and wanting to spend time with her and his brothers.

OP posts:

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 07/06/2015 23:10

My ex did that to DS. I really can say that you will feel more heartbroken than him as you could see the implications in the longterm.

Personally, no day pases when I don't wonder how his dad could be so cruel to him, how could he tolerate his volatile girlfriend to hurt DS so badly, or even how he could push out of his life the child he bathed, put to bed and read stories to everynight for several years. I will never be able to forgive either of them for all the pain they caused to DS.

But it has not escaped my mind that everyone noticed, from his friends' mums to his teachers, that DS has became a much happier and confident child since the contact stopped.

Obviously, I wish things could be different, but I am aware that exh, and particularly his new partner can cause so much damage to DS, that I have come to realise (with time) that the fact they are away from DS is ultimately a good thing.

I send you my best wishes so you can help this little boy and yourselves to come to terms with this.

BettyCatKitten · 08/06/2015 00:21

What a pair of complete bastards.
Sounds like he's better off not going there at all. Especially if mums DP us abusive.

Kampeki · 08/06/2015 00:32

How awful - poor, poor child. :(

You sound very caring, OP, and so does your DH. I hope that your love and care for ds can help him to see that this rejection is not about him.

KnitFastDieWarm · 08/06/2015 00:49

Poor little lad - thank God he has a loving dad and stepmum. I can't fathom how anyone could treat a child like that

chippednailvarnish · 08/06/2015 01:11

Is there anyway of contacting middle brothers DF? Maybe building a relationship separately would easy the rejection he is feeling? You might find middle brother is treated in a similar way.

lizabeth0607 · 08/06/2015 11:12

Poor little boy, no wonder you are so sad, I would be too. You and his dad sound brilliant tho

Damnautocorrect · 08/06/2015 11:47

Your poor poor dss, that's awful. At that age they try to be good but sometimes their common sense leaves them and they do silly stuff for no reason - although it was perfectly logical to them at the time.

I had good behaviour and manners so instilled into me as a child I struggle to be assertive and worry about everything, I try to people please all the time and just can't make decisions as I worry so much about others. It's awful living like that, I say sorry a hundred times a day for things that aren't my fault. I just can't deal with the social side of life because of my childhood. It's also left me open to abusive friendships and relationships.

Please grab every bit of gp help to get him through this so he realises it's not him. Poor poor little boy. I'd also be taking advise if it's a good idea not to 'bad mouth' the mum, I don't mean slag her off but so he knows you've got his back and it's not 'right'.

Is any unsupervised contact with them a good idea?

wheresthebeach · 08/06/2015 11:57

Poor child. I agree that being clear that his M's behaviour isn't right is actually important so he knows its not him. You don't have to slag her off but can say that your sad she behaves this way.

Personally I'd be making no effort to facilitate contact - they've told a child that they hate having him there. He's being subjected to emotional abuse IMO and he needs protecting. No doubt his anxiety issues are connected to how his mother treats him. You may only know about the tip of the iceberg.

I'd plan very very busy weekends for the next month or so. See if she wants to see him, makes any effort. If not...then no contact is better than abusive contact.

Good thing he has you.

SunnyBaudelaire · 08/06/2015 12:01

poor little kid - well at least he has you and his dad, you can step up (excuse the pun) to be a great SM.
x

spidermanswoman · 08/06/2015 12:53

I agree that stopping contact is the best way forward. Poor little boy.

Trooperslane · 08/06/2015 12:59

Twats. He's so lucky to have you and his dad.

Unbelievable behaviours.

Tequilashotfor1 · 08/06/2015 13:00

I know this feeling, my mother did it with me. It went to EOW then it just fizzled out.

You just really have to rally round now and get him on sports teams ect something to look forward to and be apart and not to let her drive the relasionship anymore.

Original poster

SadLampshade · 08/06/2015 18:20

Just got in from work, so apologies for the late reply, but just wanted to say thanks to all replies. We've been so determinedly trying to facilitate contact to show DSS that he is still a much loved part of that family but I think there's no point. We're going to try and get hold of middle brother's dad's telephone number and see if we can support a sibling relationship that way.

OP posts:

chippednailvarnish · 08/06/2015 18:26

Wishing you the best of luck OP. Hopefully if he can maintain a close bond with his middle brother, he will find it easier to accept that the problem lies with his "D"M and not him.

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