New to being a step mum (to a 12yo SD)- advice or tips please!

[Stepmumorrun]

We've had the initial meets and all has gone well. She seems to be a polite, clever and slightly quiet but interesting girl. My dd is 3yo however and I got the feeling the whole day with her was driving her slightly potty. Something we need to work on perhaps I've decided that being a friend and a different source of information would be something I could be happy with as am all too concious of not trying to become her mother.

I am very aware she is going to be a teen soon and remember my teens all too well. She doesn't have much contact with grandparents on either side and I do feel she finds her dad a little awkward to talk to (in her words "he is a bit weird. Nice weird, but you know, weird". He isn't from this country and sometimes his jokes are a bit off or too high-brow for them to be funny to a teen. So I feel she may at some point want to get advice on things, which is scaring me a tad already!

Anyway, there's the background and a bit about the set up. Really just want some do's and dont's if possible?

I would say that you're trying to run before you can walk tbh.

Firstly, you're not a stepmum, not yet. You have a bf who has a child who you have only just met, and any kind of "step" relationship will take time to develop - possibly even years.

At this stage all you can do is to develop your own relationship with the dd on the basis you are her dad's girlfriend, nothing more, but don't make reference to not wanting to be her mum or wanting to be her friend, she's at an age where she most likely has friends she confides in, and has a mum she can go to for advice.

My ex's new dp sat the children down on the first day they met her and told them that she didn't want to be their mum but hoped they would all be friends. This did not go down well with the children as they felt that she had introduced herself into their lives with far too much of a sense of importance, i.e. that she felt that she was here to stay even though she and ex had only been together for a matter of weeks at the time and they had only just met her.

Just take things one day at a time and a relationship will develop. The harder you try, the more chance there is the SC won't take it in the manner it is meant and will resent you for it.

As your relationship develops you will be able to be there for her in the ways you are anticipating but this will take time.

Thank you Jaffacakes - that makes a lot of sense. It also takes the pressure off substantially! Wise words.

I agree.

Don't over analyse things - she's old enough to decide what role other than dad's partner she wants you to play in her life. And a stepmother, over time, is a role in itself - you don't have to be her friend, her mum, her cool aunt, older sister etc.

Let her lead things - don't 'force' bonding activities between you and her unless she shows willing. Make sure she gets one on one time with her dad.

Keep out of their relationship as much as possible at this stage - don't try and play the go between, or the interpreter or the negotiator. As your relationship with her develops and you become more of a family unit, the dynamic will change, but this needs to be a natural and gradual process.

Bear in mind she is likely to have conflicting feelings about you; loyalty to her mother, anger at her father, uncertainty as to where she fits in with this new set-up.

You sound lovely, like you really want to do what's best. Just let things happen naturally and tackle the hurdles as they arise.

You've had some great advice here already

Your relationship with her will develop over time, and any attempts to force it will probably not be appreciated.

In general, I'd avoid giving any opinion about anyone else in her life, or making any comment that could be construed as such. Just smile and bite your tongue when she tells you what she thinks of her dad and especially her mum - if there are any fallings out, anything you have ever said will be used against you!

Be yourself, and be consistent. That's what has worked for me over the years with my DSCs and now that they are older, I know they appreciate it. There have been times when I've needed to be a stand in mum but even then, I always go at their pace. They know hugs and advice are available (they are teens/twenties now) but I always wait for them to make the first move

Good advice all. Basically as a 'step' mum-type, there's a good chance that anything you say or do could be taken out of context and used against you. So just tread carefully physically and verbally. I wish I'd read Stepmonster/Step Parents Parachute at the beginning of my relationship, I'd have tried much less hard, taken the setbacks less personally and really nurtured my relationship with my dp more - rather than when it all goes wrong, feeling it's a popularity contest...

Last thing is her mum is supportive, you're life's gonna be alot easier. Fact.